please help: trouble in a platonic relationship

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  1. profile image48
    ts242posted 10 years ago

    I apologize in advance for such a lengthy post however, it is necessary to understand. I am a 53 yr old married female who just a little over a year ago was contacted thru chat on Facebook by a male High School classmate (we had friended each other a few weeks prior). We knew of each other in HS but were not friends....we knew nothing about each other. When we began chatting he assured me he was wanting only a platonic relationship and that he would never come between me and my husband. He is divorced and since his divorce has had 2 failed long term relationships and is now in another troubled relationship. When we started chatting he freely told me about the issues he was having with this woman, in detail. After some suspicion on my part it became clear that she is an alcoholic. I happen to be quite knowledgeable on the subject since I have been married to one for 28 years now. I opened up to him and told him about my troubled marriage. As time passed we chatted more and more, nearly every night and sometimes for 2 or 3 hours at a time. Eventually I felt feelings for him...more than just a friendship. I felt it necessary to tell him so but had no intention on acting upon those feelings. He told me I was confused but still he was ok with that and we moved if nothing had changed. We had really wonderful many laughs! We even cried together when his daughter had troubles and I tried to help. We have much in common and he is much like my own husband. We chatted for months and months more... until recently.

    Needing to back it up a bit...back in November he had a huge falling out with his gf where she got drunk and went after him with her car keys ...big fight...big mess. He called me the next morning to tell me all about what happened. I tried so hard to help him understand her behavior and that without getting help she will never change. His relationship with her has been up and down this way for the 2 years they have been together. Now, recently they had another falling out when she found my text messages on his phone from me. She was snooping in his phone while he slept. A few months prior, she became furious with him for doing the same thing to her. Obviously there is a trust issue here. Then after he thought things were ok, she found out he password protected his phone and she got mad when he said he did it because he needed to keep honest people honest. I tried to tell him how he was going to live this rollercoaster ride as long as he continued the relationship.

    I was always there for him. I never turned him away when he wanted to talk. I listened when he had trouble with his kids and I tried to be helpful. He always thanked me for my words but never said if I truly helped in any way. I always commented on his beautiful children and grandchildren and told him how lucky he was to have them. He rarely asks about my family or how things are going that we previously chatted about. He has never commented on any pics of my children or my own pics. However, he has commented on 2 other women we went to school with....telling them how beautiful they are, how beautiful their children are, etc. He always told me I could go to him if I needed to talk however, when those times came, it wasn't the right time to talk. We live 3,000 miles apart. I am a phone chatter more than a typing chatter and unfortunately we've only had a few phone chats. At one time I asked about getting on the phone to talk and he said the fb chat was easier. I was confused.

    It hurts me to think that he is being treated this way by this woman he is dating and I have tried so hard to try to make him understand that he is worth more than that. In the process I think I went too far. I think I said too much. I spent months trying to make him feel better about himself. In the beginning of our friendship and for many months to follow he was so kind and sweet to me. However, some things were said that I cannot understand. Such as telling me he thought we were good for each other when I asked him why he picked me to tell all this to. He used to call me 'sweetie' and recently that stopped. He once told me I looked like another classmate of ours (one of the 2 he commented on in fb) that he always thought she looked angelic. He once told me I was so cute and he even told me once that he loved me but not in a romantic way. I understood. He also told me he could never get mad at me. At one point he wasn't around for about a week and when we talked again he said he felt bad that he hadn't been there to chat. He said he really liked chatting with me. If he was there and I wasn't he would send a message telling me he missed me or would text me asking where I was. When I tell him of something awful that my husband would do to me (not physically, thankfully) he would say "I'd never do that". What was that suppose to mean for me? If I ever asked him to clarify something he said, his response would be "I'm not sure what I meant" or would say 'nevermind".

    Some months ago he stopped replying to my emails and my messages in fb but we would still chat. I had told him he seemed more distant than usual and I was confused. Then about a month ago I made the mistake of assuming he might have been avoiding me since when I would get on fb or AIM he would be there but then quickly disappear. He assured me he would never do that by saying he just didn't like that kind of thinking. He told me he leaves his computer on and usually stays logged in and then the puter will log him on and off....understandable.

    So now I don't know what to think anymore. The text messages his gf saw were few and very innocent, just hellos and have a good day type of stuff...a picture of some food, a new door my husband installed...just friendly stuff...always. When he told me of this I was so upset. I never wanted to come between them. I told him if he felt he needed to discontinue our communication I would be sad but would understand. Then his chats became short and words were few. Then over this last week I have seen him in both chat places and I get no response to my chat messages. I saw him post something so I quickly sent a chat message...nothing. Why would he just stop all communication without at least saying he needed to do that? I know I probably said way too much over the last few months but nothing I said was ever hurtful to him...I always try to make him feel better about himself and have even told him often that if he really loves this woman, he should keep trying and I would always be there for him to listen any time he needed to talk. I've cried so much over all this...for a year now. First with my strong feelings for him, then this. I'm so confused and hurt and angry with myself for letting this happen and all I want to do is fix it. Why can't I see what I have done wrong other than being somewhat overbearing...which by the way I had always told him to stop me or tell me when I've said too much and he never did? I have appologized profusely and don't know what else to do. I'm just sick over all of this.

    I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this novel and sharing any thoughts you may have that could help me. I do love this man in a friendship way but am not sure if it could ever be more....I suppose it is possible. He has grown on me and I care so very much about him. A friend of mine thinks he has feelings for me and is backing off because he isn't going to come between me and my husband. I don't know if I can believe that he has feelings for me....right now I think he hates me.

    Thanks for listening.

  2. EmpressFelicity profile image71
    EmpressFelicityposted 10 years ago

    Nobody else has answered, so I will.

    Hate to break it to you, but he's probably moved onto someone else now (probably more than one person). The clincher was the bit where you said he would quickly log off when you logged onto Facebook or AIM.  If that happens once it's a coincidence.  Twice, well... More than twice, and it's a pattern.

    If I were in your shoes I'd be kicking myself, because it's obvious to me that he wanted someone to listen to his problems and sound off to, and maybe flirt with a bit - perhaps to boost his ego and reassure himself that there's a life out there beyond his alcoholic wife.  Maybe that answered a corresponding need in you too.  I'm not condemning you, because it's very understandable if one's own relationship is less than ideal.
    Perhaps he sensed that you were becoming a bit more serious, and maybe that's why he backed off.  My advice?  Move on. (Easier said than done, I know.)

  3. Beth Godwin profile image71
    Beth Godwinposted 10 years ago

    Has it occured to you that HE is the problem in his relationships?  Coincidence, the last three were bad?  Maybe it was his behavior that led his partner to drink.  I'm certain he didn't tell you all the things he did wrong, or that you heard her side of the story.  As a retired judge, I can assure you, there is another side to this story.  His partner obviously had a problem with your relationship with him, and since you admitted you had feelings for him, she was right.  But, it sounds like you lucked out in not becoming more involved with this man.  Since he did not show interest in your problems, but only wanted to tell you his, he is obviously a selfish person.  Is this the kind of person YOU want?  Next he would be online complaining about you, and his 4th relationship gone bad.

  4. psycheskinner profile image81
    psycheskinnerposted 10 years ago

    This same post is up, word for word, at two other forums.  I would suggest not posting personal issues quite so widely. You will only end up with a confusing variety of responses.

  5. stclairjack profile image81
    stclairjackposted 10 years ago

    been there done that in one form or another,... word of advice,... move on.

    you havent stated that your willingor even considdering leaving your husband,...

    let it go,... your only fault here seems to be that you care,... and others dont,... keep caring,... but not so much about those who do not return the affection.

    life is short,.... dont waste it


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