some asap advice needed please!! Thanks

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  1. profile image50
    miss spiceyposted 12 years ago

    so my boyfriend and I decided to split up a while ago,  three months ago after him realising that he still might have feelings for me and us both crying a lot about things, but him not being able to be certian if he could let everything go that happened in the past with us.  We had a long chat on the phone and he told me how he wanted to  take some time to reflect upon everything, and then hopefully take the time for us to start again. 

    I should also explain that I told him that as much as he could take the time that he needed to work things out in his head that he could not expect six months say down the line for me to still be waiting around for him.  I am perfectly happy being single however you know I did not want him thinking that as much as I cared for him and wanted to respect his feelings, I did not want him taking advantage of that fact either.

    anyway moving on a week after our chat and for me at the time, to clearly be stupid enough to believe everything my ex boyfriend had said to me, in my head why would I not believe him, he has never lied to me about anything before.

    I found out from the person who lived in the flat opposite to him that he had, had another women stay round at his apartment that night.

    clearly being shocked and confused and not knowing what to do I turned to my family for help who basically told me not to say anything to him and just keep my cool and not contact him and clearly if he contacts me that is a different story.

    anyway so it has been two months now, from the looks of it he is still sleeping with this girl, I don't think they go out together he just tends to go round to her house or vice versa

    anyway the prediciment I am in I guess is that my sisters boyfriend turned round and said to me sorting out your feelings etc for a long term relationship in comparison to a bit of company, sex etc are to completely different and may be he is right.  I just don't know you see.

    so last week I asked my ex for all the pictures that he had of us from his laptop back and he also dropped round a few other bits and pieces that I needed to my parents house,  did not ring my parents doorbell to say hi or anything just dropped the stuff through the letter box and did a runner. 

    when I emailed him saying thanks for doing that and mentioned the fact that I might need to pick the rest of things up in his flat at some point!!!

    I never got a reply

    so may be I am not thinking correctly about this but in my mind, even though I clearly have not told him this. I dunno what he is thinking or feeling and if he even cares about me or any more and has had any consideration for my feelings recently.

    but all I do know is that by me asking for everything back that he still has of my'n, sorting out any money with him and everything.

    even if he can't give me the closure to ther relationship.

    I am trying to tell him in a polite and subtle way look I am taking everything that is mine back from you cause you need to know that even if I told you would never loose me from your life and even if you do want to sleep with a million girls whilst we are apart.

    I can't put up with that

    so please

    take the hint and realise that I am taking everything that is mine back from you now cause it is my way of saying goodbye

    anyway he never replied to my email about me needing my stuff back at some point and normally he always replys to them

    and as much as I feel like it is my ex ways of keeping hold of me by not giving me back everything that is mine.  I don't feel like I should call him.  I have asked him once for something and if he has not replied well I am not gonna ask him again.

    so on that note I was just wondering am I doing the right thing by just getting on with my own life now and either thinking one day he will call me or not

    or have I got to make a stand and tell him look I am sorry for whatever has happened between but if you want us to work things out it is either now or never

    clearly I don't want to push my ex way, but I don't want him thinking I can put my life on hold forever and a day you know

    am I doing the right thing by not doing anything at all or what should I do???

    1. Disturbia profile image61
      Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I think you should get together with some girlfriends, go shopping, spend a day at the spa, and maybe even get a new hairstyle. Then go out on the town and find yourself some new guys to pal around with.

  2. stylezink profile image73
    stylezinkposted 12 years ago

    My opinion is you should just say 'eff it' and move on. It seems he has moved on and so should you. I know if I was the other girl he's now seeing and knew he was still speaking with an ex, I wouldn't have it. I would make him cease all communication. Who knows if that is the case.. But whatever it is, it seems to be more on your mind then theirs.

    If you don't need any of the other stuff he has of yours just forget him, buy new stuff, and move on. Don't lose your mind trying to figure out what their doing.

    1. profile image50
      miss spiceyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      at this moment in time i have to move in terms of having a life for myself, with or without my ex and I am sure this new girl does not know much about me apart from the fact that he has just out of a relationship and is clearly messed up in the head and confused from everything that has happened with us

      and I am sorry but may be this is incorrect to say but anyway who jumps into bed with a guy after they have just got out of a ten year relationship, she must know that even if my ex does like her.  10 years is not just something you get over.

      anyway I guess the reason why I was writing this post is not cause I am loosing my mind about everything but i guess I just feel like am I doing the right thing by thinking well if my ex want to have sex with other women for whatever reason thats up to him, I clearly can not stop him

      but am I silly for thinking he must know that by me now slowly breaking away from him, no contact, trying to get my things back from him

      that I think he would give me back, surely if he was ok to loose me altogether??

      that something will click with him and make him realise that slowly he might be loosing me

      or is the direct apporach with guys normally the only way to go about things??

      thanks again

      1. skear profile image90
        skearposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        Trust me, the direct approach with guys is the way to go.  Clearly this guy has moved on and no longer cares about you.  Life is too short, I'm sure you'll meet a better guy and wonder why you didn't move on sooner.

        My .02 cents.

        1. profile image50
          miss spiceyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          you see may be I am dumb to say this but I am not sure if this was all about him moving on entirely or him just having to feel better about himself for x amount of time with a girl that was gonna say yes to his every need you know

          and of course I trust your opinion but if he no longer cares why not just replying to email about the fact that I am most likely going to need my things back soon you know?

          as I said may be I am dumb to think this but if he does not care why not just give me my things back you know, we then have nothing more to say each other and thats it we are over you know.

          only reason why I can think, why he would not reply to a simple polite email is cause he wants to hold on to something of me for one reason or another no???

          skear you can tell me if I sound like a crazy person by thinking you know if he no longer cares why not just give me everything I ask for and thats it, it is over you know, why would he want to keep hold of things that he has no use for you know??

          1. skear profile image90
            skearposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Honestly I doubt he's keeping some of your things as a way of holding onto feelings for you, most guys just don't think like that.  If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't be sleeping with another person.

            He probably hasn't responded to your emails because he just doesn't care.  Like someone else said, let the things go if you can.  If they are of value or importance have a police officer escort you to the property to get your items and be done with it.

            If he's not enough of a man to give you the closure you need I think you should provide your own closure and move on.  I know it can be difficult but you'll look back and realize it was the right move.

  3. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
    SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years ago

    do yourself a big favour...'don't make excuses for him'...thinking that maybe he'll come to the realization that you are gone because you want your things....he's gone...i know that is probably hard - the damage has been done.

    and...he lied to you and may do it again...'a lie is a lie' re the 'him taking time to reflect'....ouch! that must have hurt

    1. profile image50
      miss spiceyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      don't get me wrong here I am not making excuses for anyone, and damage I feel can always get repaired but however i guess it is just a simple decsion for me has he not replied to my email cause he knows that one way or another by me asking for all my things back it is over between us or is he trying to keep hold of them and ignoring me cause he knows he is not ready to loose me

      i am not trying to make excuses for him me or anyone, I just feel like I don't want to rush into doing anything unless it is the right thing to do and if it means me not asking him again oh im gonna prob need my things back soon and letting him keep them and seeing what happens after such amount of time, am i crazy to do this

      cause yet again why would he keep my things if he was one hundred per cent we are over you know??

      please don't think I am silly for asking such a question but this is just how I feel you know

      i should add that when he said he needed to take time to himself etc etc, he did end up in hospital that night due to his panic attack etc etc over everything and I am not making excuses for him but I don't think a guy comes over hysterical etc just for the pure sake of it you know, unless there are some sort of feelings there and may be I am wrong to say this but I just wanna do the right thing instead of rushing in and doing anything silly

      1. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
        SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years agoin reply to this's easy for me to voice my thoughts since i'm not emotionally caught up...

        first, he's a human were together for 10 yrs?...if he allows you to retrieve your things, he'll have to face you...i'm sure he feels very guilty - so facing you may be difficult - no one knows what is going on in his head....since you probably love him, it would be easy to think that maybe he's hanging on to your things because he doesn't want to loose you completely...but, for your sanity - let go...if something is meant to be, it will be...send someone else to face him and get your things for you.   

        i don't think you are silly for asking a ?...i think you are a human being with feelings...i'm sure what you have been through and are going through is very hard

        1. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
          SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          ...and you may not feel that you have had closure....that's hard too...

          1. profile image50
            miss spiceyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            well when we spoke about things a while ago he always knew I would not be picking up my things myself and I guess my whole thing is no I don't feel the same way about my ex I did to and I am sure he does not about me and you know I guess the truth is if he does not care about me he has no reason to feel guilty you know and that is just the way that I see things.

            to a certain extent I have let him go, I guess I am just asking the question of why would he not just reply to my email saying oh when will you need your things back, why not just ignore it. if he wants me out the way, I feel like I have given him the easy get out

            or do I carry on doing what I am doing living my own life, let him keep my things if that if he wants he wants and presume well he is either gonna get on the phone eventually or not but yet again by me basically asking for my things back a second time is that the right thing to do.

            cause I don't think my ex is that stupid as to not realise once I have my things back it is over

      2. stylezink profile image73
        stylezinkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        As an outsider looking in reading your replies to everyone. You are making excuses for him. I am not trying to be mean in anyway. Please do not take it that way. I don't think anyone is here. But what we see is that you are the only one worried about the situation and not him.

        He's not responding to you but he used to, that means he's over it now and has moved on. Him ignoring you may be his way of getting his point across to you that it is in fact completely over between you two. It sucks to be in this position, but it happens. I've had it happened to me. We were married with two children. I had to learn the hard way that it was over. I'll spare the details. It took me about 3 years to learn that. You don't want to put yourself through that and waste your life away worrying about someone who doesn't give a damn about you. Love yourself, live life, and move on!

        I completely agree with skear too, guys just don't think like that. We woman do those strange things. Majority of the time it doesn't work either, lol. Guys will use just say screw it and move on.

        As far as the girlfriend goes. I know plenty of woman, and they're not right for it, but they do get involved with men in relationships and fresh out of relationships. She knows that he as an ex and that's all she needs to know. You have no clue where they are in their relationship. You have no idea if she's read your emails to him. You don't know if they talk about you together. And you don't need to. The only thing you should worry about is you.

        You have really got to let this thing go. You see all the responses you've gotten are telling you to move on. I agree with the previous posters who said you need to get together with friends or even family and go out have some fun. Enjoy life because it's too short for all of this. I agree with everyone's feedback. You will find another guy in life, in time. We always think we won't but we all do. Someone once told me, "If it's for you, it's for you." I don't think this is for you. Please do yourself a favor and move on, let go, get happy, and live your life to the fullest!

  4. psycheskinner profile image82
    psycheskinnerposted 12 years ago

    We have had three people telling a similar story on the forums recently--all with no hubs. Not to be weird but, is this some kind of spam?

    1. stylezink profile image73
      stylezinkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Geez, I hope not! Because I just completely got sucked in.

      1. profile image50
        miss spiceyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        I am not trying to make excuses for anyone cause what has happened has happened and I can't change that and all I have to do is worry about the future, he has not ingored me all the time, normally he does reply, the only time he does not do is when what I am saying is not important so to speak eg, just when I send message saying thanks for that

        anyway the whole thing is look I guess I have had decison to make either I leave well alone and am doing the right thing by that, cause my ex is not a nasty guy and if I say look I am gonna need my things back at some point he would not ingore me, I feel and I just feel like am I doing the right thing by just possibly leaving him alone for good now and not worrying about money he owes me etc etc

        or do I have to either way get me or a friend to face him and sort things out with him, either if he can't do this himself

        cause I guess this is where I struggle he is perfectly happy to email me when it has suited him I guess but when it comes down to me wanting to me look I am saying goodbye to you and this is my way of doing it, why would he not reply, if he feels guilty or whateverr it is, if he really wants me out of his life why not just take it???

        ps I am not spamming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. psycheskinner profile image82
    psycheskinnerposted 12 years ago

    Maybe I am too suspicious, but this seems an odd forum to join to relationship advice alone (if you are not already a Hubber)

    1. profile image50
      miss spiceyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      either way at the moment I guessI have been following friend and family advice where they are pretty much like if my ex feels guilty or not and even if he is going to find out to face you, why would he not just reply to email, give me back the money he owes me and everything else, settle things once and for all and be done with it, unless for one reason or another he is with other women or not, he is not prepared to let go of with,

      cause that is basically my only question, am I silly for thinking this way or not

      yup men do think differently from women but yet again if he wants me out of his life he now has the opportunity to do so why not take it and I guess I don't want to do the wrong thing by pushing things so this is why I wanted some outside opionions and I am sorry if you feel like I have been incorrect in any way to do this

      1. profile image50
        miss spiceyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        i should also add this i have not joined the forum to have a bitch or anything but just wanted some advice that was all, take care

        1. Disturbia profile image61
          Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          miss spicey, it looks to me like you've gotten lots of good advice.  It seems like all that is left now is for you to take some of it.

          1. profile image50
            miss spiceyposted 12 years agoin reply to this


            1. profile image50
              miss spiceyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

              I just wanted to say that as much as I appreciate everyone helps and advice.  I just guess my main prob is that my ex has never been good at responding to messages anyway when we were together and I guess the same goes for now and you know the only thing I can't get my head round is that yes we are over. 

              If one day he changes his mind or If one day I decide that I actually want him back in my life are different question that there is no point In worrying about however I just guess the thing that confuses me is look all ive done after two months of us not talking is ask for my things back and even If he might struggle to see me whilst me and some friends take those things from him why would he stop me.  Less may be In the most weird and twisted way he knows once those things are gone it is Over and yup men and women do think dIfferently.  However am I really so crazy to think that he must know I want my things back after we agreed I could take them when I needed to and so why is he stopping me now you know.

              I'm not holding on to him or making excuses it just seems to me Like it's a strange thing to do keep hold of some things for no reason!!

              Thanks for all the help people


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