Unfortunately all marriages don't last a lifetime. But when going through a divorce, is it bad to begin dating BEFORE the divorce is final? Some strongly believe dating someone new should not begin until the final paperwork has been signed. Others believe that the paperwork is merely a formality. What are your thoughts?
I think it's up to the individual. For instance, my friend was going through a divorce when he met his current wife and started dating. He had been separated for 2 years before he filed for divorce. After he filed, his ex got a lawyer who specializes in delaying court dates, and it took 2.5 more years to get it finalized.
I see no reason to wait if the divorce is going to happen. Maybe if it's not a certainty, but I think it's an individual choice.
I dont think it has anything to do with paperwork. I have seen a few friends "dating" while divorcing. It seems the biggest problem is jumping from one relationship to another, with no rest in betweeen can be a huge strain on the new relationship. So far, none of my friends first after divorce dating, has worked out. I think a person needs time to recover from the failed marriage, and be whole and healthy, before attempting a new relationship.
It's definitely not. I completely agree with DoorMattnomore though. Don't get serious. Take time for yourself.
If a marriage is over, it is over. If you are going to date just have some respect for the other person and not bring your dates around the house or family. I have seen that done and it isn't very nice.
Of course dating while married is cheating - just because man says that it's okay, doesn't make it any more right. If a person(s) are going to get married with all the ponce and circumstance, they SHOULD know, dating while married is considered a SIN in the eyes of the Lord. Now, if those same folk(s) choose to sleep around etc then they are willfully going against the grain of the bible.
How did the bible get in here? Why is it that Christians (and I am a Christian) always use the bible to make others feel like they are bound to hell?
The definition of cheating:
"Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, esp. in a game or examination: Deceive or trick."
So long as the individual is not deceiving the other person by lying about seeing some, then it isn't cheating. Plus, the fact that they are already broken up and probably not living together means there is no way that is cheating.
Cheating implies that you are deceiving someone who trusts you. If the marriage is okay and they believe you to be faithful and you go behind their backs and get involved with someone else, then you are cheating.
In the eyes of the court, it's technically cheating. It depends on the judge as to how seriously it will be taken. As far as it being labeled cheating by some Christians... it technically is cheating in a moral sense. If one is a Christian, then one obviously made a promise to God first, then their husband or wife. It doesn't mean you're bound to hell, but I'd ask for forgiveness. God understands that we're human, but He also gave us self-control. No one said anything about being bound for hell except for you. Cheating is cheating as long as you're legally married.
Nah. Just tacky to most folks although is a definite to your spouse that you're serious.
I don't see how it could be cheating. A divorce is just putting a legal end to something that's already over. The cheating is usually what happens before the divorce.
Upon divorcing, one should abstain from sexual relations for a period of 15 years, so as to allow the body time to rid itself of the former spouse's essence.
I do agree that some kind of purification is in order...15 years might be a stretch.
Not without REALLY intensive psychotherapy.
that's what i called my looooooooooove making skills
OMG! LOLOLO! A person could become a little dusty by then.
If you are officially separated it is not cheating, especially as the process can take years.
Having been through this, I can tell you that entering into a love relationship before a divorce is final is not a good idea. Losing a marriage is like experiencing a death. There's a grieving process that needs to happen. In that process, you put your life back in order. I don't think you can do that if you put the demands of a new relationship ahead of what you need to learn about yourself regarding how the marriage failed.
I agree with the above. I'm not even close to divorced after four years and I'm living with someone. I've been with the one guy since some time after we separated, my ex ... I've lost count of the women he's had.
I don't consider either of us a cheat.
You got the conversation back on track...no, it is not cheating. Some of this went to whether or not having a relationship while separated but not divorced is a good or bad thing. I think I'll get off my horse now.
Dearest Sally ... I wasn't meaning to get the topic back on track, just answering the OP. I agree with you and Denise by the way, about being healthy and whole before embarking back into coupledom (supposing the opportunity presents itself).
I'm not one to follow, I never do anything by halves and rarely do I do anything sans the unhinged part of my brain being involved.
Hear that people? Do not jump feet first into a new relationship until you're ready *looking for a stern-faced smilie* post-separation.
I don't think any part of your brain is unhinged.
If a relationship has come to an end and all you're doing is waiting for the paperwork to be completed then I would say go ahead a date. It makes no sense to put your life on hold. I have a friend who has been going through a difficult divorce process for over 2 years! I also know of other couples who have been separated for 20 years and never filed for a divorce or legal separation. My only suggestion would be to inform the other person you are dating that you are "legally" still married at this time. You'd hate to have something turn serious and then later have to state "it's complicated"...etc
Your comment brings up another question, not to derail the purpose of this thread, but why can divorce proceedings take so terribly long? Because people are undecided about how they feel about each other, because dealing with the finality is so painful, or because there is so much hatred and resentment that these negative feelings get played out in court in terms of dollars at which point no one is willing to bend, or that the children are being used as pawns?
If any of these responses to divorce is in play, then how could one of the parties to the divorce even begin to entertain a relationship with someone else?
With this question, cheating takes on another dimension...who are you cheating when you engage in a romantic relationship before your divorce is final, yourself, your spouse, your children? What is "cheating"? I think it means dodging around your responsibilities, promises, and commitments, whatever they may be. Just food for thought.
to answer your question....
BECAUSE LAWYERS AND THE LEGAL SYSTEM THEY USED ARE A BUNCH OF MONEY-HUNGERY SOBs
In my friend's case there are no children invovled. They own a few real estate properties and had a business together. They can't seem to strike a compromise on the $$$$ involved. A prenup would have made life a lot easier but that's now water under the bridge. Eventually one of them will cave in to get it over with. It might take falling in love with someone and want ing to be free to marry again....
We belong...to a mutual...admiration society. My baby and me, oh... (repeat refrain)
@ Sally - my divorce isn't happening because I haven't yet found the motivation to download all the paperwork and fill it out. Just laziness on my part. He's happy, I'm more than (I mean in our current relationships) and the paperwork is one of those 'I'm gonna get round to it' things.
@ Greek - yeppers. Which is why I ain't using any. I did try but they just saw how much money I was entitled to and started getting excited. I'm not interested in that side of getting divorced. If I was, I'd have stayed for the big bucks. Anyway long story short they despaired with me. I tried a different one, she also ended up depressed.
I bowed out before they started suing me for stress.
I believe its up to each individual on what they decide to do. Depends also if children are involved as you need to be there for them throughout this. I personally could not move on until everything was settled as the whole thing is mentally exhausting. Paperwork is a formality but your life is turned upside down.
Why would it be cheating? You aren't together anymore, even if it's not technically official yet.
So many interesting comments and feedback! Most agree that once the papers have been filed and the process itself is in motion, it is OKAY to date and doing so is NOT considered cheating. I believe that those going through divorce should take some time to find out who they are--seperate from their soon to be ex--before they venture out into the world of dating. I also believe that divorce is a long and painful process that no one should endure alone. That being said, as long as one is emotionally ready to date...I say go for it :-)
If you are both ready for a divorce then it's ok, and to be quite honest if divorce is on the cards I reckon cut the ties and move forward. Every cloud has a silver lining
The simple fact that one half of marriages end in divorce tells me .....That the answer doesn't much matter in that two people have already failed at doing something right . Put your hormones back in your pants until you learn impulse control. To begin another relationship before the other is "over " is an invitation for added baggage .........the next time around . Humankind is about the most inept lover of all of natures pairs.
It is not all that simple, several aspects to consider (it's complicated, of course)
emotionally, and generally, speaking, If one or both of you are committed to the relationship, you should not cheat, but you should earn your way out of that relationship before starting another one. That is the decent thing to do, as you can seriously traumatize an otherwise decent person who has every reason to trust you, they were serious enough to marry you, they will likely be devastated for a long time.
If you have worked through the issues with your marriage partner, or at least put your best effort into it, and realize you can't stay together, then it isn't exactly cheating if you both agree that moving on is what is best.
If your partner is one of those worthless cheating unrepentant scumbags, especially one who starts a new relationship secretly or sleeps around, then you are obviously free to do what you will whenever you think you are ready, though chances are you are not in a good place mentally.
In that situation, if you find someone who is patient and understanding, perhaps even been through a similar situation, it can be a tremendous help and validation that you are indeed loveable. It is ok to try anyway to do a reality check, and forgive yourself if you make a few mistakes along the way while trying to adjust.
If you are not interested in a relationship, that is fine too. I think we glorify relationships too much in this society anyway, giving childless couples tax breaks and insurance breaks and a host of other perks just because they are a fancy form of couple, which either one can walk away from at anytime anyway (and be rewarded monetarily in many cases). If you bother to look, there are plenty of satisfied single people out there, some of whom are lifers.
Legally, there is a chance it can cause problems depending on where you are and even which judge you get (and the attorneys involved if any). Also there is some consolation in waiting till you are actually divorced if you are too busy to find and develop a relationship anyway, which is likely the case if there are kids and your spouse is acting like a horny teenager and you think the kids should have at least one parent who doesn't undermine their integrity. But it would be good, legally to keep any "adult" activities on the downlow once you know the marriage is over before the divorce is final if it isn't too inconvenient anyway. If your spouse would be hurt by it then conflict will be more likely, if your spouse is already seeing someone and they are a jerk, they may collect actual evidence of your activities and use it against you anyway.
Even if you both agree to see other people I would put the agreement in writing in duplicate and have both parties sign it. And I would limit kids exposure to such partners until you are pretty sure about them being around for a while and offer your partner the opportunity to meet with them first.
Kids and new partners is a whole separate book.
I think once divorce papers have been served, that's pretty official notice the marriage
is over. But not always!
I think a lot depends on your motives, too.
Rushing into dating to make yourself feel better about your divorce could end up "cheating" your date -- and also yourself.
Revenge dating is emotionally sick (but so common).
The ideal thing is to grieve for your marriage and figure out what exactly you have to
bring to a new relationship and what you want in a dating partner.
If you do get involved with someone else, but the divorce lingers indefinitely, is that really fair to the someone else? Doesn't s/he deserve as much or more than your not-quite ex?
But ... we are human and thus imperfect.
I would caution anyone considering getting involved with someone who is "going through a divorce" to be prepared to be the transition/rebound person. If you are ok with that, then go with it...
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