I have been with my boyfriend now for two years, he is my first "real boyfriend." I am living with him now and have been for about a year. He told me that he planned to propose to me over the summer, which has passed, and I am still not engaged? Then he told me he was going to propose to me in the holidays, and then he moved it back until "after his moms wedding blows over"??
NOW after two years, he tells me he is just "not ready" and doesn't know when he will be ready. I feel hurt, and angry. I feel as if he has led me on for the past year. I also feel as if he lied to me, because OBVIOUSLY he didn't propose when he told me he would.
I feel like our relationship has progressed this far because I trusted him when he told me that "I wouldnt have to wait long".. now I am not sure what to do.. I love him very much and still feel as if he is the one, he still tells me it will "happen" just that he doesnt know when.. I am heart broken, and torn. I feel like if I move out, he will take it as a break up (I tried before).. but if I stay I dont know how long I will have to wait.. I am wondering is it worth it to stay and wait and trust him? Or should I leave.. I am 23 in college, he is 29 and has a career and a house.
Also, I will take some blame, his reason for not proposing over the summer was that we were getting into fights, and we were.. but I still take the stand of if he really planned to do it, he would've already bought the ring.. After the summer passed, his mom got engaged, which stirred up all my emotions and my anger. Since then, I have not been able to get past the fact that I feel like he has just been telling me what I want to hear. On top of that he actually said, "I felt like if I didn't tell you that, that you would leave me." Also, I have been pushing it and "nagging" as you would say. BUT the only reason I am now is because he told me it was going to happen and it didnt.
I wonder if he is telling me now that he is not ready because he doesnt want to hear about it anymore? He also said he feels like it should be a surprise, and that there shouldnt be a time table, and that he does want a future/kids with me.
WORTH THE WAIT?? or.. stupid to wait??
** I also come from a religious family who doesn't agree with my relationship with him, which is partly why I push for marriage...
Wow...I'm sorry you're having such difficulty with this. That is definitely a hard place to be
I want to first as you...how much of what you just wrote, have you shared with him?
Viv, first of all if a guy wants to propose he will. He wouldn't tell you that he plans to propose. So the conclusion is that this guy is stringing you along.
it obvious the way you said it that the guy doesn't want to get married to you, get over it and have the faith that your man is coming your way.
...ahhhhh....sounds like my story....sorry to whoever is reading....or that's life......or let him/her know how ya really feel....
...and maybe i'd take it abit more seeeeeeeiously if ya wrote a damn hub!...at least one
...hand me a tissue......
...cry me a river.....
...i think that's a song?...no?
She's only been a member for 35 minutes...not much time to write a hub...sometimes people just want to vent, othings out, to get advice. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We're real people with real issues and real pain...I think keeping everything to ourselves would be foolish. If you disagree, that's totally ok, but if you don't want to listen, then why post except to make someone feel worse? please be careful when dealing with the pain of others Ridicule is painful, particularly when you are not aware of the entire situation.
exactlly - 35 minutes! whatever!...these posts happen all the time....i'll take it more seriously if they stick around...otherwise, I get tired of it...it's like spam....problem spam...
i don't care what ya think...and yeah, i'm real and i'm not trying to make someone feel worse...just stating some facts....
i work with social workers all day btw...........................................................
lol I know you don't have to care what I think. We've all got our own opinions I was just concerned for her feelings...given this was her first post, encounter with HubPages and all.
If you work with social workers all day, then I understand why it would get tiring. My point was, if you don't like it, why post? It's not really fair to take out your frustration from all other similar posts, on one person who probably isn't aware of the fact yet that there are so many. These posts do happen all the time, but this is the first time she's ever posted..
Anywho, I'm not here to debate with ya...I was just trying to provide a more positive response. Peace out,
peace back at ya...you've been here 5 friggin' days...i get ya about bein' nice ...blah...blah...blah........
...what about real life problems...this is teenage stuff...most times the poster doesn't want to hear what you have to say anyway....
...i can be sympathetic etc...but.....there is a limit..maybe i'm in a mood....seeerrriously.....the relationship posts by folks who don't write, don't write a profile, don't even have an avatar becomes a bit tiresome..i've fallen for it so may times...i guess i'm tired of it
i can post whatever the fug i want.......
lol. Nah I haven't been here very long, you're right. Doesn't really have much to do with being nice..I've seen a thousand forums and posts like this before. But she's a new member. .I typically tend to be brutal...Maybe I felt for her because I like to help people with stuff...just my nature..anywho...that's not important.
Of ocurse you can post whatever you want No one said you couldn't.
Free speech, public forum.
I understand your feelings. Not trying to criticize. Sorry if I came across that way.
lol I dont even know what a hub is.. I just signed up because I needed advice.. but thanks..
Stop wasting your time. Everything you need to know is in the body of your post. Move on! If you end up back together then good for you and maybe he will come to understand you're not his personal doormat. If you don't, then good for you and maybe you'll come to understand that you don't have to wait around for some self-absorbed guy to throw you a bone. The truth is, that if he is still acting like this after two years then he is "just not that into you". Someone else out there will be. Don't waste your life.
best piece of advice i've ever heard: "when someone shows you who they really are, believe them"-- he's showing you what kindof person he is over and over--it's your life and you are welcome to stay with him and continually be betrayed. Or you can start making decisons for yourself and not wait for him.
He's showing you who he is...believe him.
First of all you are only (23) years old! You're still a college student and as you stated he is your (first "real boyfriend"). Very few people end up marrying their "first love" in the real world. Secondly it's very common for people to talk about having a grand future together during "the infatuation phase" of a relationship. Lastly nothing "magical" happens after saying, "I do"
You say "he's the one" but in reality for him to actually be "the one" he'd have to see you as being "the one". Soulmates have (mutual) feelings!
Clearly he has stated he is not sure about you being "his one". So the real question is "Why do you want to marry someone who does not want to marry you?"
I believe it goes back to him being your "first real boyfriend". If you have your heart set on getting married then it's time for you to move on to a guy who actually wants to get married. However my advice is get your degree, begin a career path, date around a little more, travel some, and do some introspective thinking to figure out exactly who you are and what you want in a mate. As I said from the start it's very rare that the "first" turns out to be "the one". Best of luck!
Without trust their is no relationship. As I told another hubber, a relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can sit in that car all day, but it's not going anywhere!
If he was truly "the one", he would have proposed by now. He is stringing you along until he finds someone he perceives to be better. Dump him now and cut your losses.
sorry to heart that. But I believe it's also a chance of a better understanding of him, i thought.
I do not think two years is that long. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I do not have a ring yet. Now that I think about it, I best get one this year...
You're only 23, what's the big rush? Sounds like he doesn't want to propose. Maybe it's time to quit nagging him and move on to a new boyfriend, or accept that he's just not ready yet and deal with it. The choice is yours. Or you could always propose to him and see what happens.
I only joined this thing because I felt like I had nobody else to talk to. My family is already judgemental towards my relationship, I cant go to them.
Anyways, my problem is that I never planned on moving in with a guy.. but because he told me that he was "ready" and he was going to propose, I told myself it was ok... Now, im beginning to see that I may be wasting my time. There is no rush, other than I trusted him.
He is my first real boyfriend.. but not my "first love".. Ive had the high school years to fall in love and get my heart broken, but never a serious relationship like this one where I have actually moved in with someone.
Also, leaving him.. means moving back in with my mom.. which comes with a variety of other problems that I cant get into.. one being that she's addicted to alcohol.. among others...
I would just propose to him and if he says yes get him to commit to a date. It doesnt have to be soon just any date, maybe after you graduate college.
The point is you get a commitment from him for a date.
If he says no, or gives some excuses like he should be the one to ask then i would say he is never going to really commit to you and is only keeping you around till something better comes along.
In which case you could move out, or stay with him and just use him to stay away from mom.
Someway out of here, I think if you work with social workers all day, than you should realise taking people seriously no matter where they are at is the key. Perhaps to, you may be burned out with dealing with people, but any case people only heal and get help when they reach out. It happens to be on hubpages.
Fortunately in relationships people are cautious, and take time to process things. Fears are usually what get in the way, and most of the time, you can never sort out someone's fears for them. Fear is a major road block and probably stems from childhood issues, or past experiences. I would understand that If he really loves you it's not because he doesn't want to be with you. Depending on where he is in healing, and dealing with those things, it's just your option or choice if you want to wait around, or leave. Fortunately when our partners are having issues, we are having issues at the same time. So why do you feel he needs to marry you to feel loved and enjoy life. It's a piece of paper, and society makes it seem like it is something you need to do. From my own experience I can tell you it's nice to spend all that money of flowers, the dress, the party. If you both don't have the issues from childhood dealt with and not a whole person, it can end in disaster. If he's being cautious and not ready, there is a reason for it, and let him figure it out himself in his own timing. It is just a warning sign for you to understand it's not the right timing for marriage. He can't marry you just to please you. He is being truthful with himself, and he probably tells you this, because you are in a hurry to get there, instead of taking is slow, and letting the relationships develop into a healthy one. I think if you back away and drop the expectations of getting married, he might react to you differently. A man never marry's on demand, and you hollar, argue, and nag that pushes him away. The man whisperer is a good book to read, as well as power of prayer to change your marriage by stormie omartin. She also has one power of a praying wife. This is the point, you want to be married, prepare yourself for marriage when your away from him, and let him figure out when he's ready. I think it might be the way your presenting yourself, in actions, words, and how you handle him. Just saying from my own experience, know how a man works!
thanks, I think I will get one of those books.. I guess I just cant get over the fact that for two years he's told me he wants to get married.. then one day out of nowhere.. he says that he's not ready??
If he hadnt told me he was going to do it, then I would not have expected him to..
Yay, I've been there, it doesn't mean he doesn't want too, just takes time, and from being in alcoholic family myself, you might want to look into alanon, or co-dependent groups. Fortunately I understand that whole scene to well, and the way it messes up your relationships with everyone. Melody Beatie has some good books, as woman art thou loosed. I think I would just advise you to take your time, enjoy where you are at, and hold off on the marriage thing, until you understand yourself and him better. It's a major choice in life. Financially, emotionally,spiritually! Never focus on him, but learn to love yourself, and heal the past first. Than if he's standing there in the end, you know he truly loves you!
"Dear Abby, Dear, Abby, I never thought,"
"Me and my girlfriend would ever get caught"
"Sittin' in the backseat just shootin' the breeze,"
"With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees."
Seriously, I'd like to focus now on what you told by "we were getting into fights" & " I am 23 in college, he is 29 and has a career and a house." & "I have been with my boyfriend now for two years".
1. If he wouldn't want a serious relationship with you, he wouldn't have put so much effort to make a relationship last for two years.
2. If your still getting into fights that means that some things have to be solved between the two of you.
3. He has everything he needs to start a family except a wife and he's with you.
4. If your focusing on a thing like engagement, thinking it will change anything else but your feeling of insecurity/uncertainty , you should reconsider your priorities when preparing for marriage.
Being a wife is not wearing a ring, I think you understand that. Leave out the symbolism for now and focus on your relationship. Think about what he expects from you, what's holding him back, if he really suits you and you'll be able to put up with everything he does, for the rest of your life. Try to surprise him with simple stuff, prepare new meals, keep your stuff arranged and clean, discuss subjects like kids and life as a married couple, asking, what flaws does he see now, that would show up in those situations if you'd rushed into them. Ask calmly on what's holding him back, does he think that your still not mature enough or something else. You really have to settle all the small stuff before you take it to the next level. Patience, observation and understanding of each other is what you need now.
Best of luck
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