Big Plans for Cheating Girlfriend

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   Paul Wingertposted 11 years ago

   I have been dating his woman for 8 months now and been spending a lot of time at her apt. Over the course of our relationship there have been odd moments, i.e. her ex boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away, and keeps texting her. She mentioned him a few trimes and of course she tells me that he's in the past. Anyway My suspicion came true this morning when she when to work with her friend to clean houses (that's legit). I went to use her laptop (she always said that I'm welcome to use it) to check my bank balance. I noticed that she left her Yahoo IM window open and the last message came from her ex saying "ok, oxox" and was recieved at 2am. Hmmmm. I clicked to open the "recent messages" and there's talk about her and the ex seeing each other and that she can only see him during the day and during the week, since I'm with her 4 nights a week and weekends. She says she doen't have the money to slit on a motel (which is true) and how she misses making love to him and calls him "sexy" and all. I copied and saved the entire message and emailed it to myself and closed everything. Want to make sure that she doesn't know what I know. To begin with, I'm not the psychopath/violent type and very rarely get upset. I want to be calm and cool aboutr this. I'm going to continue to check on her IM and see if she comes with any excuses to all of a sudden take a day trip. What ideas do any of you have? I have a few, but want to expand my horizons. Thanks

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      nightwork4posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      if she is cheating on you , dump her. if not give her a choice of him or you.nothing more, nothing less.

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      tammyswallowposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      So sorry this is happening to you. You need to dump her. She obviously has no respect for you and may be using you both. If you reveal that you know then end up staying with her, you will teach her that you will tolerate this behavior and cheating and things will get worse.
      
      If you are feeling really bold, you can message the man she is talking to and ask him if he is aware that she is seeing you as well. This will make her face the consequences of her actions. So sorry, been there- but people like this NEVER change.

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      Apology4Wolvesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Dump her.  People don't change, and "trust is like paper.  Once crumpled, it's never perfect again."
      
      Why give a cheater a choice to pick between you and the ex?  Again, people don't change.
      
      Good luck.

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   michememeposted 11 years ago

   First, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Second, she could have blocked her ex boyfriend from calling her phone or sending text. Every phones have this app. Clearly she didn't want to, she misses him and it's inticing to have your ex still wanting you.
   
   Since you sent the emails to your phone, use that. I would wait until the two of you were sitting at home enjoying a nice evening. Then I would forward the messages to her. (BOY the look on her face)she is going to be sick. I promise you, her stomach is going to knot up,sweating, and stumbling over her words. Why? Because she was caught red handed.
   
   Last, I would break it off with her. If she is willing to sleep with him, there is obviously a risk she is putting you at. STD's have no name. Crazies ex's we see them on tv all the time for killings. Just think it all through.

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      Bedbugabscondposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I think you need to end it. Running around spying on her is just going to cause you more stress. In my opinion, what she is doing is as bad as cheating, even if it went to further than emails. I think cheating is the worst thing a person can do to another person. In my opinion, someone who would cheat and lie is not someone you want to be with.
      
      There are plenty of nice single girls out there, but you can't find them if you are preoccupied with a cheating woman. Even the nicest guy, can be pushed and manipulated in to making a mistake they will regret. Ladies don't get mad, I am a women and I have seen both men and women cheaters manipulate their hurt partner in to making a mistake that makes them look like a bad guy or girl.
      
      Find a hub on the stages of grief, and work through them. Why stay with her if you are only going to be suspicious? You don't have to make yourself miserable just because she has made you miserable. Just end it, walk away. Try to figure out how to find a good loving woman who would never cheat.
      
      I am sorry this happened to you, I know its awful.

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   readytoescapeposted 11 years ago

   Scheming seems pretty useless to me, unless you’re into conflict. Simply move on without a word.

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   Disturbiaposted 11 years ago

   I found my ex flirting with women online and it either means something or it doesn't. She may just be messing with her exboyfriend's head, or she my just enjoy the flattery and the flirting, or she may really want to get back together with him.  I say, tell her what happened and come right out and ask her what she wants.  Once you have established that, you will know what to do. You will only be setting yourself up for a lot of heartache by playing 007 spy games with her.

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   MayGposted 11 years ago

   I feel sorry that this is happened, but even more sorry that you're not sure what to do.   
   
   I think you need to tell her what you know.  She'll probably get incredibly defensive that you read her messages, as if that's somehow worse than the messages themselves, which is what people tend to do when they're caught out. But at least it's all out in the open.  Of course, when you say dating, do you mean you're supposed to be in an exclusive relationship?  If you haven't reached that stage, then this is probably a good time to discuss where you both see the relationship going.
   
   You don't want to be in a toxic relationship where there's no trust and you're spying on her.  See what she has to say about it, but the fact that you were already suspicious before you came across this message doesn't sound as if it's a healthy relationship.  If she's already doing this 8 months into your relationship when everything should be exciting and new, what's going to happen if you're with her years down the track, when you hit a rough patch as things often do?
   
   Don't let it eat away at you.  Discuss it -after all, you came across the message by accident - and if you don't feel like you can trust her, move on.

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   Stacie Lposted 11 years ago

   Whether she is actually cheating with him, or being flirtatious, it's clearly wrong and disrespectful to you.
   Tell her what you know and then tell her good-bye.

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      Paul Wingertposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks all. I just want to be 101% sure before accusing her of anything. I screwed up in the past by jumping to conclusions. I'll nip this in the butt and go from there.

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   Ask Ashleyposted 11 years ago

   This sounds about as sure as it gets...which is unfortunate. If she hasn't cheated yet, it definitely sounds like that is her intent. Telling someone you want to make love to them is beyond flirting. There is no excuse for that. So sorry for you. I agree with everyone else. Cut your losses now and move on. She doesn't deserve anymore of your time.

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      Paul Wingertposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      You got that right. Thank you

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   markbennisposted 11 years ago

   Good luck Paul, as we all know it is no easy thing dealing with these situations, I hope you make the right decision and the most economical one for your heart, take care.

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   Apology4Wolvesposted 11 years ago

   If you want to really get back at her and make yourself feel good about you, make it short and sweet.
   
   Dump her with 7 words:  I don't want to see you anymore.
   
   And then don't utter another word to her for the rest of your life. Seriously.
   
   Don't tell her why you don't want to see her anymore. She'll know why.
   
   Treating her this way might make her examine her values, which of course won't change her a bit, but at least you will have shown her how immature and shallow she is.
   
   More importantly, you have not only respected yourself, you have shown your self-respect to her; which is something she'll never have.

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      Ask Ashleyposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Interesting idea. I think that is definitely a satisfying way to end a relationship if you can stick to your guns and not give in to further communication. Of course, if he lives with her, then  he would have to move his belongings out first without her knowledge or move her stuff out, then say those lines. If Paul does this, I agree he'll go out on top and she'll be left in the dust to wonder what happened.

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         Apology4Wolvesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         It works.  I had a girl do that to me more than 30 years ago and, here I am, writing about it today.

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    gramaryeposted 11 years ago

    Just leave. No explanation, no apology. She will be bewildered!

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    Mighty Momposted 11 years ago

    Pandora's box has been opened and its contents are already infecting you, Paul.
    You're contemplating engaging in more espionage.
    You're second guessing yourself and blaming yourself (I jumped to conclusions prematurely before).
    Drama. Suspicion. Intrigue.
    
    Who needs all this negativity in your life?
    
    I'm not going to join the chorus of hubbers advising you to dump the girlfriend. I think you need to examine your own heart and decide if this is a deal breaker for YOU.
    Good luck.

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    ThriftyBoomerposted 11 years ago

    You need to decide whether she is the woman of your dreams. If so, then tell her that you want exclusivity because you love her. If you maintain your own home and just go over to her apartment for dinner and sex, then she might feel used.
    
    If you decide that she is the one, then make plans together to live as a couple. You have to share your soul if you want true love. I've been married 35 years. We've had our ups and downs, but we never doubted our love for each other, as we shared an emotional intimacy that carried us through difficult times (such as the loss of our first baby). Emotional intimacy means much more to a woman that sexual intimacy.
    
    If she is not the one, then it is time to say goodbye. I would not bring up dirt, such as spying on her computer, as it shows a lack of trust on your part. You might be subconsciously doing similar things that are sabotaging the relationship, especially since you were hurt this way in the past.
    
    I wish you the best of luck.

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    Jeramiposted 11 years ago

    didn't read any of the other posts. just the OP ... 
    
       You know what the wise answer is ...   You just want somwbody to agree with what you think and tell you to be stupid ??? 
    
       So when it is all past tence you can say it's somebody elses fault.

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    ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

    Paul .....you chose to either end this now before the insanity of trying to change someone , before you become more of a self inflicted marter, and before its some other guy down the road , the woman is unworthy of decency! She lies to you now? At the beginning ! When a relationship is normally at its best ? What'll happen later when the new wears off!

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    puppypawsposted 11 years ago

    Gee Paulie, you certainly don't have good luck with women.  First, psycho Lisa and now a cheating girlfriend.  Maybe you should just give up and join a monastery.  Or maybe see a psychiatrist to find out why you continually pick losers.  Maybe you will learn something about yourself.

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