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Updated on November 10, 2009


Mahatma Gandhi

When I despair,
I remember that all through history
the ways of truth and love have always won.
There have been tyrants, and murderers,
and for a time they can seem invincible,
but in the end they always fall.

Think of it - always.


As many other people, I was for years successfully playing the role of victim, but I admitt I learned the role of aggressor as well. For any type of violence there is the same scenario - aggressor always needs the victim, and victim always needs aggressor to fulfill the role. One cannot exists without another. As a healer, I analyzed many cases of abusing behaviour and the pattern is always the same.

It seems like that for violence two opposing forces attracting each other are needed: submissive one and aggressive one... but the both mentioned forces are actually the part of the same (self)-destructive energy.

The psychological key of healing this sickness is - usually within the victim. WHY? Aggressor is too dominant and as such will rarely understand that he needs to change. Victim holds the keys of solving the problem - victim needs to refuse to be a victim, stop to be submissive - and recognize that the problem lies within her (his) own emotions and system of beliefs. It is like software in the brain - which needs to be recognized and changed, step by step.


Basic emotions which assure playing this drama are fears, guilt, anger and disappointment. Basic belief which creates that drama is the same for the both sides - "I am not good enough" so must or suffer or "be stronger then others" and control them, rule their lives and make them suffer. At the end, nobody is  happy and fulfilled - neither victims nor aggressors, so the both side finally become victims of their own unhealthy attitudes and emotions.



  • Victim is usually person who has submissive character
  • victim usually does not know how to say "NO" while thinking that will not be emotionally accepted from others if sets up her/his personal borders ,
  • does not believe in her/his own rights and does not know how to protect his/her own personal borders
  • victim does not believe that her/his needs can be completely fulfilled
  • victim likes to help the others while forgetting her/his own needs,
  • victim is often very naive
  • victim beliefs in higher purpose of "sacrificing"
  • victim beliefs in higher purpose of "suffering"
  • victim believes that deserves "punishment" or "suffering"
  • victim often feels guilty without any logical reason
  • victim does not believe in one´s own right to be successful
  • victim is often "too good" and "too compassionate"
  • victim is full of pessimism and do not truly believe in better future
  • victim is full of self-destructive energy
  • victim has low self-esteem
  • victim subconsciously chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
  • victim rejects (or renders ineffective) the attempts of others to help him or her
  • while following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain ( e.g., an accident)
  • incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated
  • victim fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, (e.g., helps the others to solve their problems, but is unable to do that in his or her own life)
  • victim often subconsciously chooses the environment and life-situations which are not safe.
  • victim is often uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat her/him well
  • victim engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice


Victim starts to be a victim (or aggressor ) in the childhood - while being witness of abusive-submissive games between parents when child necessarily becomes active participant in such relations. In addition to that, adults often believe that children are their property so instead of co-operating, supporting and teaching the children how to develop the self-esteem, they actually push children into the emotional slavery, and teach them from the earliest age that they should be obedient and submissive personalities... or superior ones in order to succeed in the life.

Aggressors and victims are products of the same sick circumstances and the same wrong examples they had watching in childhood- some people just choose the dominant role and some other submissive, according to their temper...

Artistic photo by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic
Artistic photo by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic


Historically, violence and aggressor-victim (sado- masochistic) behaviour had existed in all known societies and have roots in any kind of slavery - which up till now never stopped to exist ... just today slavery usually has different names than before and sometimes different shape, but is still present in all types of human relations and in all societies.

Many religions and spiritual paths also support sacrificing for the others and celebrate victimizing, as being a victim is recommended or moral behaviour, what is nonsense. People who sacrifice their own needs and human rights always finish crucified, and no, God will not reward them for that neither in this life, nor in "afterlife", on the contrary... Self-denial is not healthy.

Self-denial always results with emotions of anger - some victims become aggressors later on , the other just repeat over and over the same self-destructive behavioural pattern and finally destroy themselves with active help of others...

Being a permanent victim is certainly not healthy example for the others and should not be celebrated - because such attitude gives full right to the aggressors to express their aggressiveness ... Victim cannot be victim without aggressor. Instead of idealizing sacrifising, victimizing and self-denial, society should start to heal its own unhealthy ideology which creates the both sides: victims and aggressors.

Nobody cannot permanently protect the person who decided to accept the role of victim, because sooner or later she/he will choose again some dangerous circumstances in the life, which will lead to the new tragedies.

It is not enough to remove oneself from abusement, if the wrong emotional/mental behavioural pattern stays the same... Energy of victim travells everywhere with the person who carries it. This energy should be recognized as an obstacle which needs to be transformed.

It is not sufficient that we feel pity towards victims and hate aggressors - on that way we support the both extremes, unfortunately. It is better to remind the abused person on her/his inner strength and encourage her/him to develop self-respect and self-esteem and encourage her/him to heal traumas (which create new traumatic situations) and learn to give up fears. This is not quick process, it requires a lot of effort from ex-victim, but it is only one which leads to success.

Nobody can do any harm to any of us if we do not allow that somehow: allowance happens whenever we are afraid and expect attack from others or create in our imagination future problems and conflicts.


Artistic photo by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic
Artistic photo by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic


Instead of expecting that domestic violence can start at any time (and it will if you believe in that) start to change your own victim or aggressor mentality and give yourself enough time to explore your own nature and work on your self - esteem, self - love and self - respect. Prevention is always the best.





EMDR "Eye movement therapy" is excellent technique for healing traumas, especially after abuse. This technique is able to completely remove your negative feelings, fears, anger, and scary movies from your mind. And this technique works very quickly.


Love yourself and never turn another cheek


Make a long-term contract with yourself that you will learn how to:

1. Love yourself with full heart and soul

2. Allow yourself the best and most loving circumstances in your life, step by step.

In addition to that:

3. Never turn another cheek to the aggressor. Aggressor will repeat aggression and you will not be rewarded for your weakness.

4. Never think that you need to sacrifice for the others by being victim. On that way you will just give to the others wrong example and feed their own victim or aggressor mentality.

5. Do not blame yourself or the others . It is just wasting your time and energy.

6. Never feel guilty neither stay in self-pity mood for too long- just decide to gain your own healthy life-power. You do not deserve nothing less then to be happy and winner in game of your life.

7. Do not expect that any aggressor will change just because he/she promised so. You need to overcome your fears at first and remove yourself from danger - very often physically (get out from the abusive relationship) but after that the most important is to remove yourself emotionally and mentally from the violent nightmare. Only after that, your life will start to change for sure.



Text and photos - by Tatjana-Mihaela Pribic

Alternative healer, Reiki Teacher, Artist and Counsellor.

Artistic photos available for sale in my online gallery as prints and greeting cards:

For e-mail counselling and healing (starting price is 50 US$) you can contact me through my e-mail  (...more detailed informations about various ways of long-distance healing is on



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