TOP SECRET CATHOLIC INFORMATION

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  1. Make  Money profile image77
    Make Moneyposted 9 years ago

    I had to post this here for more ammunition for Mark and LG. lol

    The laugh is on us.

    Subject: TOP SECRET CATHOLIC INFORMATION

    This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics.  The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

    AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

    BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

    CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

    HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

    HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

    RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

    INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

    JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

    JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

    JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

    KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy).

    MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

    MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

    PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

    PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

    RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

    RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

    TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

    USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

    Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas: There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

    1. Lady Guinevere profile image59
      Lady Guinevereposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I have seen this before.  Funny! smile

      1. profile image0
        sandra rinckposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        Yeah, I always wondered what Father Joe was doing at the Casino.  lol big_smile

  2. Make  Money profile image77
    Make Moneyposted 9 years ago

    Father Joe must have been picked as the Chip Monk. big_smile

  3. Valerie F profile image55
    Valerie Fposted 9 years ago

    Amid all the very serious discussion and the misconceptions of religion, it's nice to see a post that makes me giggle.

  4. Make  Money profile image77
    Make Moneyposted 9 years ago

    Cool Valerie.  If you have any more semi-religious jokes please add them.

    1. Jerami profile image69
      Jeramiposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        Haven't seen it. Made me laff. I gotta send this to a couple a relatives.thanks

  5. lrohner profile image80
    lrohnerposted 9 years ago

    These are all oldies but goodies:

    A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution. They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.

    "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

    A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

    Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."

    ==============

    A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

    ==============

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 
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