The Nativity Story

1. 59

   Paul Wingertposted 10 years ago

   Let’s see if I got this straight. Joseph and his fiancé’, Mary, traveled from Nazareth to Joseph's ancestral home in Bethlehem to register in the census of Quirinius. The trip was long and all the Western Inns and Motel 6’s were filled to capacity due to the three-day weekend. They showed up in Bethlehem to find all the local inns are flashing the NO VACANCY signs. Since it’s Joseph’s hometown, he figured that they could crash over at his parent’s house.
   
   We see Joseph knock on his parents’ front door and his mom answered. She opened the door only part way, recognized her son and said, “Oh it’s you, what a surprise!” She turned behind her and yelled to his father, “Hey look who it is! It’s Joey!” She turned back and noticed a very pregnant and a very young Mary standing next to him. “Oh, I see you brought a friend.”
   “She’s not my friend, mom, she’s my fiancée!” Joseph replied.
   “Riiggghhhttt. She’s a little young don’t you think, son? I mean there’s not a mall within 50 miles of here!” she replied, rolling her eyes.
   “Can we come in?”
   “No don’t come in, I’ll come out. You know how your father is about these sort of things.”  She stepped out on the porch and asked Mary, “So, what’s your name, dear?”
   “Mary.”
   “Riiggghhhttt. Mary. Where did you two meet?”
   “We met at a concert in Nazareth.” she replied.
   “So how far along are you?”
   “I’m due anytime now.”
   “Oh wonderful! Wait.” She turned to her son. “Nine months ago you were here going through that court ordered rehab crap. How could you be in Nazareth with this girl?”
   “Oh, no ma’am, this baby is not his?” Mary said.
   “Then who’s is it?”
   “It’s our Lords!” Mary replied with a beaming smile.
   Joseph’s mom gave her son a stern look. Joseph replied with a goofy grin.
   “It’s an immaculate conception, ma’am!” Mary added.
   Joseph is still standing there holding a stupid grin. “It’s true, ma!”
   “And how do you know this?”
   “An angel told me in a dream!”  he replied.
   “I was told by an angel too, ma’am.”
   Joseph’s mom does a face-palm. “All that money we spent on rehab!”
   “Can we stay here for the night, ma?”
   “No, because your father would have a cow if he found out you have a pregnant girlfriend!”
   “Fiancé’!” Joseph replied.
   “Whatever! There’s a manger down the road that your cousin owns. Go see him.”
    
   Joseph and Mary settled in a manger. Joseph is cleaning the cow manure off his sandals while Mary prepared a bed. Mary goes into labor and Jesus slides out like a greased bowling ball. Joseph catches the baby and looks at her with suspicion. Mary smiles with embarrassment and quickly said, “Uh, that’s common with virgins on their first pregnancies.”
   Joseph thinks for a minute and says, “I guess you’re right! This is a miracle baby! Yep, immaculate conceived! No foul play here. Pure immaculate!”
   
   Okay, now she has a kid. See, normally a story like this would get kind of boring. 2,000 years later, when there’s a dull moment in the plot of a movie or a novel, writers solves this dilemma by blowing something up or someone takes off their clothes. But that didn’t happen back then. These ancient stories read like owner’s manuals – straight to the point.  The characters were flat with no depth. It would be pointless for someone to get naked and explosives were far into the future, these writers solved the issue by introducing more flat characters! In this case King Herod and the three wise guys!
   
   So Herod, the real king of the Jews, got word from his three wisest men, Moses, Larrus, and Kerlee, that a king is born in Bethlehem. Herod had a hissy fit. We know all this to be true beyond a reasonable doubt because the writers of this story, Matthew and Luke, said so! Big deal if they were nowhere in sight at the beginning of this stupid story! Anyway, since Jerusalem and the surrounding regions were under Roman occupation, the only person who appointed the king of the Jews was the emperor. In reality, Herod had three things going for him:
   
   1.    He was given the job as king of the Jews.
   2.    He was in good standing with the emperor.
   3.    Anyone who challenges him would be dealt with by a legion of Roman soldiers.
   
   But who needs reality in this acid-trip tale? So Herod decided to freak out anyway and ordered the execution of all male children under the age of two, even though there’s no evidence outside the Bible claiming that this actually occurred. But since it’s in the Bible, it happened! No need to question it! You’ll go to hell if you do! So don’t even think about it! Herod was sure the emperor wouldn’t mind if he whacked a bunch of future tax payers by using his non-existent authorization to execute people. Only the territorial Roman governor had the power to put someone to death! But you got to give it up for Herod, at least he existed in this absolutely true, historically accurate, no need for the disclaimer - This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places, events and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.  Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental., hard evidence based story.
   
   As for the bit about Joseph and Mary visiting his mom’s house, it has just as much credibility as the nativity story itself. I wasn’t there and I admit that I made it up as I went. Come to think of it, Matthew and Luke weren’t there either! But they displayed precise locations and exact quotes by people they never met. They were so busy coming up with such details that they forgot to pinpoint when Jesus was born! A pope had to decide that hundreds of years later. But overall, for the times, they were great story tellers even though it’s questionable that Matt and Luke ever wrote the first word of it.

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      Onusonusposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Nice Christmas message. Do you intend on taking a wiz on the American flag for independence day while you're at it?

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   2. 81

      Sed-meposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      So... nothin' on TV tonight?

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   3. 82

      Paul K Francisposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Very imaginative post. Now try writing something with a little love behind it, a little bit of that good old Christmas spirit. Happy Holidays to you and yours.

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2. 76

   wildernessposted 10 years ago

   Please!  Get your facts straight!
   
   No pope set the date for Christ's birth.  That was done by Sextus Africanus, a Christian traveler and historian of the late 2nd/early 3rd centuries.
   
   Sextus calculated the date of creation as 5723 years before AD 221 (the end of his written history).  He further calculated the time span between creation and the incarnation (creation of Christ) as 5500 years; this gives the date of conception as Mar. 25, 1BC.  Nine months later we have the birth of Christ on Dec. 25. 
   
   As a check, we know that all prophets died on the anniversary of either their birth or conception: in this case it was the conception as the birth was in Dec.  Later shenanigans by the church concerning the date of Easter does not change the magnificent calculations of Sextus.

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3. 0

   ahorsebackposted 10 years ago

   So here's a question for you Paul ,  with all due respect ,  Is it only Christian biblical  history and writings and folklore that you  wish to bash or do you have the  gumption to attack  lets say .......The Muslim faith and its stories as well ?  Why don't you maybe   critique the Islamic faith too , Just asking , yet I'm always curious  as to why anti- Christians are the only ones  criticized by anti- s?   Oh , I remember - it's very safe and its simply politically correct these days too  , do you  wear bell- bottoms too - nice fad dude !

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4. 81

   Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years ago

   Okay I will, since people seem to want it. I wrote this in 1968. I was 13.
   
   A Christmas Story
   By KLE
   
   A new born wide eyed lamb stood looking out of his barn window. Content and full after being nursed warm milk by his proud mother, he decided to see what was beyond his chilly but peaceful home. He peered out and saw busy people rushing about all over the town. The mishmash of voices drowned out the meek calls of poor peasants peddling their goods. The slap of the whip on newly bought slaves sounded like a death song. Donkeys, tired after their long journeys, slowly dragged themselves with drooped heads. The little lamb shuddered and stepped back at the sight of all this and felt thankful that he was not a donkey being beaten by his master, forced to travel over rugged and tedious terrain.
   
   Then, a weary couple caught his curious new eyes. On a donkey, unlike the other poor beaten animals, but a proud and confident donkey who kept his head high even after a long journey, was a woman. Her head was lowered, but she was not sad; just fatigued, yet hopeful. Along side of her was her watchful husband, who had come to pay his hard earned money to the greedy tax collectors.
   
   Soon, the couple seemed to be having much trouble. The lamb watched while they looked desperately for a room. Finally, a man pointed hurriedly to the barn where the lamb stood. They thankfully made their way to the barn and entered it. The woman spoke in a kind and soothing voice. Instantly, the lamb sensed that these two were important peasants who would do no harm. The lamb was not afraid and followed the couple as they made their way toward a manger.
   
   As they settled in, a warmth seemed to fill the hay covered manger. The animals were not afraid and lie down to keep the tired Mary warm; a light seemed to glow where the couple were. The noise outside ceased as the brilliant golden-red sun slid into the horizon. If there was any bitterness outside, it did not penetrate through the thin yet strong walls of the cozy barn. All was peaceful and all was silent.
   
   Soon the watchful and curious animals dozed into silent slumber, but the lamb, not yet sleepy, watched on. As he observed the pair, he heard the first sounds of the night. The chirp of the crickets,  the hooting of owls and the rustle of leaves in the soft breeze filled him with gladness. Suddenly a cry was heard. The cry of of a child; small, but healthy. The animals were awakened and joined the prayers of the thankful parents of the small innocent child that would soon bring the world to peace. The lamb nudged over and licked the small child that was wrapped only in swaddling clothes. Then, the babe smiled and the lamb was filled with happiness. He wished he could smile back at the child, Jesus, whose cry has echoed through the centuries.

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