The worlds great scientists gathered in a meeting to discuss how they have "created life". One man gloatingly started, "I grew a human ear on the back of a mouse for transplant". The next, "I kept a heart beating in a plasma filled jar for a year" he smiled. A third, "I took a dead man's organs and made them function again".
"God?" they asked. "we don't believe in Him, look how smart WE are" They were very smart too. so smart that it took many magazines and millions of articles to convince the average dummy of how smart they really were. Amazing.
Anyway, God got word of the very very smart men and wanted to see if His creation really was smart enough to create life. "Tell them I would like to see this" God said to the angel that was there. "I'll create something new as well" He finished. The angel rushed down to tell the very very smart men. and... the men agreed. "We don't need Him anymore, we accept the challenge"
And so it was. God came to their laboratory and the great battle was to begin. The scientists started working in the lab with some dead things. "Wait" said the angel, "bring your own things" he stated. "We are making life" said the smartest. "Thats fine" said the angel, but bring your own ingredients". They looked at eachother and figured that together they could do it. "Lets start from scratch" he stated to the other smart smart men. They all agreed. So he grabbed a jar of dirt from outside and started separating it.
God had finished with a beautiful new breed of parrot and it perched on his shoulder as He sat on a lab counter to watch. The scientists didn't pay much notice to Him because they began to charge the dirt with electricity. "Wait" said the angel to them, "bring your own dirt" he exclaimed. They all looked at eachother in confusion.
Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later."
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter."Good morning, sister," the pharmacist said, "what can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.
The druggist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box." "I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week," said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size."
The sister thought for a minute and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"
Repost: Other forum didn't appreciate. Hope you do.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Father Murphy was delivering one of his hellsfire and brimstone sermons. He shouts out "Everyone going to heaven, stand up!" Everybody stood up. "OK, now sit back down."
Then he roars "Everyone who wants to go to hell, stand up!" Riley stands up. The good Father was beside himself and yells, "Riley, I said if you want to go to HELL stand up -- you don't want to go to hell, do you?"
Says Riley, "No Father...but I felt badly for you standing up there all by yourself."
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"
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