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Top Google Search with Humor: Why Is There Fuzz On A Tennis Ball and Other Nonsense

Updated on June 19, 2013
This is my response to those doing idiotic internet searches.
This is my response to those doing idiotic internet searches. | Source
These children need to stay away from the internet
These children need to stay away from the internet | Source
I wonder if this building has a 13th Floor?
I wonder if this building has a 13th Floor? | Source

Yes, it’s that time again! For the next few minutes we are going to take the serious and toss it to the curb with the other useless trash. For the next few minutes we are going to practice the ridiculous, revel in the absurd and dance in a shower of stupid.

Have you ever passed someone on the street and instantly made a judgment about that person, even though you have never met them? Come on, admit it, you have, I have, we all have. Maybe it’s the way they are dressed or the way they walk hunched over; maybe it’s the drool on their chin or their brazen insistence on dying their hair purple and their eyebrows pink. Whatever the reason may be, we look at them and immediately form an opinion.

Well, that’s what happens every single time I do a partial Google search and see what questions my fellow human beings are searching. I see the question, like how do you make chloroform, and I have a pretty good hunch that this is not a person I want dating my future grandchild. Just sayin’.

I can’t help it! I readily admit to a sarcastic sense of humor and nothing brings out the worst in me quicker than one of these searches.

Today’s partial search question is: Why is there……? What follows is for real; I have not made up the search questions at all. I have, however, had a great deal of fun with my answers. Please, don’t bother us all with the real answers. There is no fun in that and I’m all about having fun for the next ten minutes.

Are you ready?

WHY IS THERE NO 13TH FLOOR?

My first answer is that the building was constructed by products of the public school system. They get confused once the numbers hit double-digits! Nine…ten…eleven…fourteen…nineteen….MOM, HELP ME! Where is that damn calculator when you need it?

My next answer is that these buildings are owned by major corporations. They list their address as Suite 1301 to the Internal Revenue Service; thus is born another tax loophole for the top 1% who owns everything in the United States. Hey, if the IRS can’t send them a tax statement, the corporations aren’t responsible, right?

WHY IS THERE BLOOD IN MY STOOL?

This one is simple! When you are taking the stairs in one of the aforementioned buildings, you are in for a major fall going from Floor 14 to Floor 12. There is no way you can fall two stories and NOT have blood in your stool. This explains why so many IRS agents retire early; a little known fact brought to you by billybuc.

Okay, seriously (not really)….if you have blood in your stool you might want to stop with the internet searches and get your butt to the hospital pronto! After the inevitable operation, when you are in the recovery room, you might want to promise yourself to never again eat your mother’s baked beans. They are obviously much too potent.

WHY IS THERE A HELIUM SHORTAGE?

Did you know that there is a U.S. Federal Helium Reserve? Well there is and thus you have the answer to the question about a helium shortage. If the Federal government is involved then something is going to be screwed up! Leave it to the Feds to run out of the second-most abundant gas in our atmosphere. Is there a way for the IRS to levy a tax on helium and get us out of the national debt? If there is you can bet the 99% of us who work for a living and barely scrape by will be the ones paying that tax.

I’m trying to come up with a funny line about helium, the 13th floor and blood in the stool but I’m coming up blank. Can you imagine the implications if we ran out of helium? What would kids do for fun at birthday parties? How could the little nerds (like me) ever make the pretty girls laugh if they don’t have helium?

WHY IS THERE AN EASTER BUNNY?

Oh my! Oh my oh my! Who did this search? Please tell me that we have a sudden flood of five year olds doing a Google search on this question. Please tell me that an adult did not type this one in.

Aristotle must be rolling over in his grave right about now. Here he spent his entire life weighing serious philosophical issues and today we have nimrods wondering why a mythical creature really exists.

Kids, please pay attention! This is what happens when you inhale too much helium. Blood forms in your stool and you start believing in the Easter Bunny all over again. Oh my!

I feel like being really mean and going viral with the location of the Easter Bunny….I’ll tell the world that Mr. Bunny can be found on the 13th Floor.

WHY IS THERE FUZZ ON A TENNIS BALL?

I have a better question: WHY DO YOU CARE? I mean come on, who really gives a rip about the fuzz on a tennis ball? Now Aristotle and Plato are bitch slapping each other in Heaven.

We know for a fact that Rednecks aren’t doing this Google search; they can’t spell tennis ball and they think fuzz is the guy that keeps busting them every Saturday night for moonshinin’ in the holler. That eliminates Kentucky and West Virginia residents as possible suspects. We can also cross Alaska from the possibilities; tennis balls….heck, all kind of balls…freeze up there. No fuzz on Alaskan balls for sure.

Warning lights are going off at HubPages Headquarters; I’d better move on.

WHY IS THERE A WORM IN TEQUILA?

Well, first of all, there is not a worm in tequila you idiots! There is a worm in a bottle of tequila and it’s there as an intelligence test. Anyone dumb enough to bite into the worm or swallow it is, by extension, dumb enough to still believe in the Easter Bunny and also, by extension, probably lives in West Virginia or Kentucky!

I only have time for one more and then I need to go suck in some helium and sing like Tiny Tim.

WHY IS THERE A RING AROUND THE MOON?

Back we go to Kentucky and West Virginia. That’s the planet Saturn you blithering idiots! The moon doesn’t have rings unless, of course, you have been drinking too much tequila in which case there are not only rings around the moon but there are also six moons…..and…..you will moon the moon…..but don’t moon the fuzz or you will be locked away on the 13th Floor of the local police department.

I’M DONE FOR NOW SO AMUSE YOURSELVES FOR AWHILE

Go play with the fuzz on your tennis balls because I have better things to do. I have a meeting at the local Aristotle Club where tonight’s topic for discussion is going to be “Is a llama really a llama if it only has one L?”

Until next time, remember to stay away from high rise buildings, don’t swallow the worm and never joke with an IRS agent from Kentucky if he’s high on helium!

THAT’S ALL FOLKS!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

For more Funny Google Searches articles see the following:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-What-Happens-If-You-Swallow-Gum-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Cheat-And-Other-Nonsense

To purchase my Funny Google Searches book on Kindle go to:

http://www.amazon.com/Funny-Google-Searches-Nonsense-ebook/dp/B008BMEL4U/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1340729131&sr=1-2

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    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      calculus, I liked your first reasons the best....much funnier! :) Thank you for the visit.

    • profile image

      calculus-geometry 4 years ago

      Well, you got me curious why tennis balls have fuzz so I did Google it, lol. I would have said it's so they can absorb more dog slobber and become absolutely disgusting sooner than smooth balls. But NASA has the real answer: better aerodynamics. The fuzz reduces drag so the ball can go further and faster. It's also why golf balls have dimples!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ah, Rahul, my young and talented friend! I have missed you greatly. Wishing you peace and happiness!

    • rahul0324 profile image

      Jessee R 5 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      I fell down from the bed when you said Blithering Idiots.. haha..

      Brilliant hub Sir Bill

      A laugh riot

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kimberly, you are excused to go take care of business. LOL Glad you enjoyed my rather odd sense of humor.

    • profile image

      kimberlyslyrics 5 years ago

      I just peed my pants

      think I'll google that, best change first I suppose

      I love your humour and witty smarts my friend, OH loving this and needing this, um...

      I need to excuse myself, that's what google just said.

      xo

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Trinity, great comment! I suspect you are right! LOL Thank you!

    • Trinity M profile image

      Trinity M 5 years ago

      OK loved this one!!! Still laughing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Here’s one I picked up the other day… “why is there a universe?”. I suspect it might have something to do with the missing 13th floor and maybe even West Virginia and Kentucky. Great hub billybuc as always!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Marketing, thank you my friend! I appreciate the visit.

    • marketingbloke profile image

      marketingbloke 5 years ago

      Nice hub man, Google doesn't half spew out some junk at times.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, I used to laugh for hours at Laurel and Hardy....TT and I have fun for sure. Thanks buddy; hope you are enjoying the weekend.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      I just love your all's banter, Bill and TT! The two of you are the Laurel and Hardy of the new millenium! (how many responders are going to ask, "who are Laurel and Hardy?" What a generation we hail from, huh?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      TT...no, no sainthood here. That's for damn sure! LOL

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      Darn, and I wanted to kick the dog some more. :) Thanks, bro, you are a saint. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      TT, I have already forgiven you. :)

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      I'll make sure I kick the dog daily until you have gotten over my blatant failure as a loyal fan. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      TT, you have cleared up many misconceptions about Alaska with your response and I, for one, am very grateful. I'm a little hurt that you ignored this hub in lieu of peeing the dog but I'm sure I'll get over it in time. Thanks Sis!

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      Mr. billybuc,

      It has come to our attention that you have posted erroneous information regarding the fuzz on Alaskan balls. There is, indeed fuzzy balls in Alaska and it forms there after consuming large amounts of tequila infused worms.

      The purpose of consuming tequila infused worms is to protect the consumer against extreme cold, thus forming fuzz on said balls. Caution must be taken in extreme consumption of tequila infused worms as this leads to trying to contact the IRS and asking them if they have an address for the Easter Bunny (everyone knows he lives on Easter Island - duh!), attempting to descend a building lacking a 13th floor and participating in extreme sports (Arctic Man) thus leading to the participant falling on his keester and producing blood in his stood (why he was carrying a stool around with him I have no idea).

      Thank you for you attention in this matter and we wish you a sunny day in your little state of Warsh-ington.

      Sincerely,

      The citizens and displaced citizens of the extremely large and awsome State of Alaska.

      (Sorry I missed this one, I think I was out walking the puppy) :o)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, did you just challenge me? I can't believe you would actually think I'd let a challenge go unmet! If it has legs I'll do it. :)

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      Bill, I have another google challenge for you. What is the meaning of the color.........

      Whaddya think? You game?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      rfmoran, I'll have to look into that one. LOL...thank you!

    • rfmoran profile image

      Russ Moran 5 years ago from Long Island, New York

      Voted up and funny. How about: "What is it that dolphins find so amusing"?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      CC, it is my pleasure. I love to laugh and I can't seem to shut off that sarcasm at times. Thank you!

    • ccmorrow profile image

      ccmorrow 5 years ago from Florida

      This is hilarious... Love the sarcastic side of this! Thanks for the laugh :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Spy, that is hilarious! There are some seriously confused people in this world. LOL

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 5 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      hahah this is really funny. one time I stumbled on a question "how can I meet the real spongebob?" he states there that last time, when he jumped into the sea, he woke up in a hospital bed, after a coma.. the funny answer was "Hey, do you really think a sponge that wears a coat and a tie is really true?"

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ruby, I don't think anyone enjoys this series as much as I do. I have so much fun writing these. Glad I could provide some humor for you.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      HaHa, I needed a good laugh and you provided some great off-the-wall reasons why a Google search can be hilarious..Cheers

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dianna, I know, huh? I've heard people talking about it on elevators. Thank you as always!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      The thirteenth floor is fun when you are in an elevator and someone asks that question. Does that mean the fourteenth floor is actually the thirteenth? Good questions listed here!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Yep, Vicki, most definitely!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Thanks, Bill. What you said to me is probably exactly right! :-)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Well I did and it wasn't nearly as funny as what I would have written. :)

    • ashish04joshi profile image

      Ashish Joshi 5 years ago from India

      Sure...I didn't go ahead with the search though.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ashish, I have missed that search but now I have to check it out. LOL Thank you for the great comment.

    • ashish04joshi profile image

      Ashish Joshi 5 years ago from India

      ha ha...really funny...I too have encountered some really funny searches...like, why my poop floats? Imagine...

      Superb hub...

      'up' and 'awesome'

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, thank you for the visit.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Gypsy, that is the danger for sure. I limit myself to one of these a week or the google searches would become habit forming. LOL

    • Cyndi10 profile image

      Cynthia B Turner 5 years ago from Georgia

      So, so funny. Great job!

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 5 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      Voted up and funny. This was great Bill except now when I go do a search on Google I'm gonna burst into laughter. Think my first go will be why do dogs bark - lol

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Mhatter!

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 5 years ago from San Francisco

      Good stuff. thank you.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, it seems like ages! I sure hope you got that traveling thing out of your system because it's time to get to work. Glad you have you back lil' Sis...if you need help with anything let me know.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ron, now wouldn't that be wonderful...a shortage of government! Never happen but we can dream, right? Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Matt! I have great fun writing this series of hubs! My sarcastic sense of humor overflows when I write these.

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Sageleaf 5 years ago from Western NC

      I wonder if you can shave the fuzz off a tennis ball. Tee hee. Just had to ask. I also wonder if the US Federal building that has the reserves of helium is anchored down really well. Could it be that it's a UFO in the southern sky? Hehe. Back from dry Colorado and I've missed reading your hubs. Glad to be back and glad to get to my new life. :)

    • Ron Hawkster profile image

      Ron Hawkster 5 years ago from United States of America

      Maybe if there was a Federal Reserve of Blood In Stool department then there would be a shortage of blood in stool. That wouldn't be a bad thing. Or better yet, if there was a Federal Reserve of Government then we'd have a shortage of government.

      Two thumbs up Billy. Thanks for the laugh.

    • mattdigiulio profile image

      mattdigiulio 5 years ago

      This is so awesome. I just love everything about this Hub. Voting up./

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Man...thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

    • TheManWithNoPants profile image

      TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

      Great Hub - funny stuff

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      There are actually two reasons...believe it or not, Tammy, I know this one..one is to make the ball last longer and the other is to control the amount of air friction after the ball has been hit. All very scientific but not nearly as funny! Thanks my friend!

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      So really.. you got me thinking. Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball? I don't wonder about half these things until I come across one of your fun hubs. I guess I will have to Google it now. Thanks for the chuckles.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ardie, it was the tennis ball that got me to writing this one! Glad you had a good laugh and as always I really do appreciate you. Hey, are you still coming out there this summer?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jennzie, LOL! Very good one! Part of the pleasure of writing this series is the creative comments I get. Bravo and thank you for the follow!

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Oh Bill - this gets all the votes and shared! You had me at tennis ball fuzz. I really needed a good laugh and this Hub handed it to me with a slice of lemon =)

    • jennzie profile image

      jennzie 5 years ago from Lower Bucks County, PA

      Funny article! It's amazing some of the things that people search about.

      I think I'm gonna go inhale some helium with the Easter bunny on the 13th floor. Lol :-)

      Voted up and funny!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vicki, if we ever met we would spend half the time talking about freelancing and the other half laughing our butts off.

      Thank you for being the special person you are.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Christy,let me know if you find him. There will be a hub in that for sure. LOL Thank you as always.

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      The things people wonder about. Too funny. I wonder, though, Bill, how you think up the things that people wonder about? Does that mean you are wondering about the fuzz on a tennis ball, as well? :-) Voted up, funny, awesome, and interesting. You made me chuckle. (outloud, I might add)

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      I am currently going up to floor 13 to look for the Easter Bunny :) I vote up and funny, well, because I laughed!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, LOL...keep taking them friend; they are doing wonders for you!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Don't know what kind of good stuff you take, but my little pills are pink.....even my medication is sexist.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks, Pete! I am great fun writing these!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, I am so sorry! Go take your little blue pills and get a nice rest. I'll try to tone it down in the next hub, just for you. LOL Thanks...you make me laugh when you talk about laughing. That's quite a gift.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mark...great line. LOL Thanks buddy!

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 5 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      What's a "tennis Ball."

      LOL

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      OK, I'm worn and tired now.....my abs hurt, my head hurts...and did you know you can get the hic-cups from laughing until you can't breathe? Yeah, you can. I think it's natural survival response.

      I'll be taking my meds and a long nap, now. There's really only so much, a woman my age can handle.

      bill holland is a cruel old fool. UP & FUNNY.

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Reminds me of the late great Mitch Hedburg, "My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition, but people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on." Another great hub billybuc! Still laughing about those tennis balls!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Okay, buddy, just try to keep out of jail.

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      You are welcome! Yes, wide awake and alert and ready to wreak some havoc! :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks buddy! Good to have you up and alert!

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Great job again Bill! Now I am going to feel tennis ball fuzz, look aimlessly for the thirteenth floor on a building until I am blue in the face and have blood in my stool. Bill, you are going to make me sick! :) Great hub, voted up and several others! :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sharilee, good to hear from you! I hope you are well and making progress on those issues we talked about. Thank you for stopping by and I love your comments.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, I do enjoy writing these hubs. They give me a chance to get away from the serious issues for a day. Thanks dear lady!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Love, I certainly hope these are kids who are doing these searches. LOL Thank you as always.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 5 years ago from Canada

      Billy, oh my goodness! You are so so funny! My favourite was your explanation of all this insanity: it's the helium, folks! Way too much helium being consumed. Yep. That's it! Voted up and more, of course!

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      Too funny, Bill and it's not even Thursday! I love the last line. You brought all the idiocies together in one neat little lunchtime chuckle!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mary, that was Bev's favorite line in this hub...shower of stupid...I thought she was going to hurt herself from laughing. You two would get along great!

      Thank you my dear!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Julie, I have no explanation for what people are doing with their spare time. I just hope I don't know any of these people personally. :) Thank you kind lady!

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 5 years ago

      This hub really amused me! Voted up funny and awesome!

      Children are naturally inquisitive by nature and want to know why. They also have very vivid imaginations so based on these questions, my guess is that children in grades 4th-8th are the ones searching for answers especially now during the summer when many of them are bored at home doing nothing! Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball? Interesting! and why is there worm on tequila is a very funny one!

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

      It is very difficult to type when you are rolling on the floor in hysterics!

      "...dance in a shower of stupid", really? I could quote this from top to bottom and each line would elicit a laugh. You are TOO much.

      And, don't take away our helium...maybe they are storing it on the 13th floor!

      Voted up, funny, awesome and SHARING.

    • Julie DeNeen profile image

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      Seriously? People want to know about fuzz on a tennis ball?! The human race never ceases to amaze me! Nice job :)