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Top Google Search with Humor: Why Is There Fuzz On A Tennis Ball and Other Nonsense
Yes, it’s that time again! For the next few minutes we are going to take the serious and toss it to the curb with the other useless trash. For the next few minutes we are going to practice the ridiculous, revel in the absurd and dance in a shower of stupid.
Have you ever passed someone on the street and instantly made a judgment about that person, even though you have never met them? Come on, admit it, you have, I have, we all have. Maybe it’s the way they are dressed or the way they walk hunched over; maybe it’s the drool on their chin or their brazen insistence on dying their hair purple and their eyebrows pink. Whatever the reason may be, we look at them and immediately form an opinion.
Well, that’s what happens every single time I do a partial Google search and see what questions my fellow human beings are searching. I see the question, like how do you make chloroform, and I have a pretty good hunch that this is not a person I want dating my future grandchild. Just sayin’.
I can’t help it! I readily admit to a sarcastic sense of humor and nothing brings out the worst in me quicker than one of these searches.
Today’s partial search question is: Why is there……? What follows is for real; I have not made up the search questions at all. I have, however, had a great deal of fun with my answers. Please, don’t bother us all with the real answers. There is no fun in that and I’m all about having fun for the next ten minutes.
Are you ready?
WHY IS THERE NO 13TH FLOOR?
My first answer is that the building was constructed by products of the public school system. They get confused once the numbers hit double-digits! Nine…ten…eleven…fourteen…nineteen….MOM, HELP ME! Where is that damn calculator when you need it?
My next answer is that these buildings are owned by major corporations. They list their address as Suite 1301 to the Internal Revenue Service; thus is born another tax loophole for the top 1% who owns everything in the United States. Hey, if the IRS can’t send them a tax statement, the corporations aren’t responsible, right?
WHY IS THERE BLOOD IN MY STOOL?
This one is simple! When you are taking the stairs in one of the aforementioned buildings, you are in for a major fall going from Floor 14 to Floor 12. There is no way you can fall two stories and NOT have blood in your stool. This explains why so many IRS agents retire early; a little known fact brought to you by billybuc.
Okay, seriously (not really)….if you have blood in your stool you might want to stop with the internet searches and get your butt to the hospital pronto! After the inevitable operation, when you are in the recovery room, you might want to promise yourself to never again eat your mother’s baked beans. They are obviously much too potent.
WHY IS THERE A HELIUM SHORTAGE?
Did you know that there is a U.S. Federal Helium Reserve? Well there is and thus you have the answer to the question about a helium shortage. If the Federal government is involved then something is going to be screwed up! Leave it to the Feds to run out of the second-most abundant gas in our atmosphere. Is there a way for the IRS to levy a tax on helium and get us out of the national debt? If there is you can bet the 99% of us who work for a living and barely scrape by will be the ones paying that tax.
I’m trying to come up with a funny line about helium, the 13th floor and blood in the stool but I’m coming up blank. Can you imagine the implications if we ran out of helium? What would kids do for fun at birthday parties? How could the little nerds (like me) ever make the pretty girls laugh if they don’t have helium?
WHY IS THERE AN EASTER BUNNY?
Oh my! Oh my oh my! Who did this search? Please tell me that we have a sudden flood of five year olds doing a Google search on this question. Please tell me that an adult did not type this one in.
Aristotle must be rolling over in his grave right about now. Here he spent his entire life weighing serious philosophical issues and today we have nimrods wondering why a mythical creature really exists.
Kids, please pay attention! This is what happens when you inhale too much helium. Blood forms in your stool and you start believing in the Easter Bunny all over again. Oh my!
I feel like being really mean and going viral with the location of the Easter Bunny….I’ll tell the world that Mr. Bunny can be found on the 13th Floor.
WHY IS THERE FUZZ ON A TENNIS BALL?
I have a better question: WHY DO YOU CARE? I mean come on, who really gives a rip about the fuzz on a tennis ball? Now Aristotle and Plato are bitch slapping each other in Heaven.
We know for a fact that Rednecks aren’t doing this Google search; they can’t spell tennis ball and they think fuzz is the guy that keeps busting them every Saturday night for moonshinin’ in the holler. That eliminates Kentucky and West Virginia residents as possible suspects. We can also cross Alaska from the possibilities; tennis balls….heck, all kind of balls…freeze up there. No fuzz on Alaskan balls for sure.
Warning lights are going off at HubPages Headquarters; I’d better move on.
WHY IS THERE A WORM IN TEQUILA?
Well, first of all, there is not a worm in tequila you idiots! There is a worm in a bottle of tequila and it’s there as an intelligence test. Anyone dumb enough to bite into the worm or swallow it is, by extension, dumb enough to still believe in the Easter Bunny and also, by extension, probably lives in West Virginia or Kentucky!
I only have time for one more and then I need to go suck in some helium and sing like Tiny Tim.
WHY IS THERE A RING AROUND THE MOON?
Back we go to Kentucky and West Virginia. That’s the planet Saturn you blithering idiots! The moon doesn’t have rings unless, of course, you have been drinking too much tequila in which case there are not only rings around the moon but there are also six moons…..and…..you will moon the moon…..but don’t moon the fuzz or you will be locked away on the 13th Floor of the local police department.
I’M DONE FOR NOW SO AMUSE YOURSELVES FOR AWHILE
Go play with the fuzz on your tennis balls because I have better things to do. I have a meeting at the local Aristotle Club where tonight’s topic for discussion is going to be “Is a llama really a llama if it only has one L?”
Until next time, remember to stay away from high rise buildings, don’t swallow the worm and never joke with an IRS agent from Kentucky if he’s high on helium!
THAT’S ALL FOLKS!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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