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My Computer is Plotting Against Me

Updated on July 19, 2012
Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannie has been writing for HubPages for over 5 years. She covers a wide variety of topics—anything from hamsters to office work.


Paranoia or something more?

My computer has been plotting against me for quite some time now. It's been tough to accept. At first, I wanted to believe it was a simple computer virus. Perhaps it was even just a series of coincidences. However, I have an overwhelming amount of evidence against my computer. As days go by, I notice the patterns more and more. My computer hates me. It is out to ruin me. I have become convinced the computer is plotting against me.

You might think I am paranoid. This could be true. How could an inanimate object have feelings? How can it began to plot against me? Wouldn't other computers do the same? Well, perhaps these are valid points. But I have doing some research (and by research, I mean working on this computer and shouting obscenities at it) and all the signs are there.

This computer hates HubPages.

My first piece of evidence is the obvious hatred this computer feels towards HubPages. When I try to work on a hub, it likes to slow to a crawl. It most despises hubs about music videos. If I want to work on a hub about music, I'd better take my butt to my office during non-work hours to take care of that. This computer is just going to shutdown after a while.

How can I love a website so much that my computer hates with such a passion? How can this be? The computer loves to mess up comments. For some reason, it skips entire letters when I try to type comments, yet it works correctly at other times. Is my computer anti-social? Does it hate my cheerful comments I try to share with other hubbers? I am just trying to be supportive of my fellow hubbers!

Furthermore, it likes to occasionally stop working entirely when I am writing a hub. The computer especially enjoys having some type of malfunction right when I am typing the best sentence ever. By the time I go to log back in and start over, the momentum has been lost. I've often forgotten what brilliant phrase was about to leak from my brain.

The next time you read a mediocre hub written by me, you should probably just assume it is because of my computer. Yes, now that I think about it, you should always just blame my computer if one of my hubs is not very good.

The computer does not like my photos.

When I try to post photos on any site, this computer all but shuts down. It is just not into me sharing my photos with the world. Once again, either my computer is anti-social or it feels it would be best if I were to become anti-social.

I've noticed the computer seems perfectly content when I post less attractive photos of myself on any website. However, forget about posting some nice photos on a dating site. Oh no! Goodness, no, Jeannie should not be allowed to have a date! Ouch... did I just refer to myself in third person? This is getting scary!

My computer works when I start pricing other computers online.

My most significant piece of evidence I have to present in this semi-paranoid "computer is plotting against me" rant is the fact that the computer will start to work correctly when I begin to look at other computers online. Oh yes, it is jealous!

Occasionally I like to look at Mac computers online. I like to check out the prices and then send emails to friends saying things like, "I think a PC is just not for me anymore. I am going to get a Mac to replace this slow computer." Suddenly, the computer no longer has issues! It is working swiftly and seems pleased to open any webpage I like. Very interesting, Mr. PC, very interesting.

Will you ever see this hub published?

Now that I've shared my secret with you, I hope this hub "survives" the night. I am still going to work on it later. I hope that nothing mysteriously happens to it when I walk away from this computer. I do believe it might behave now that it knows I have figured out its evil plot to ruin me and my online success.

Of course, maybe it is infected with yet another virus again. That seems to be pretty plausible as well.

Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle


Submit a Comment

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    ChristyWrites - I am starting to wonder if your computer is out to get you, too. I am concerned. I wish you the best of luck! And thanks for the comment!

    EuroNinila - Thank you! I know... these computers seem to be turning on more and more people.

    lovedoctor926 - You see! This is an epidemic! Computers of the world are ruining lives... and most of all, our ability to type comments on pages. Thank you for your comment. I know your computer probably did not want you to type that, so that makes it even more special to me. :-)

    GoForTheJuggler - Thanks so much for the vote and follow! I am happy you enjoyed my hub.

    MazioCreate - Thank you. I am glad you agree with me about my computer. It is being OK right now, but perhaps that is all a trick!

  • MazioCreate profile image

    MazioCreate 5 years ago from Brisbane Queensland Australia

    The trials and tribulations of using techno tools. AI, is it the virus we should all be aware of? Paranoid? No, I think you are very intuitive Jeannie and should keep an eye on the manipulator on your desk.

  • GoForTheJuggler profile image

    Joshua Patrick 5 years ago from Texas

    Hi Jeanie....

    I am going to

    vote up and follow....

    Great hub - thanks for the laughs!

  • profile image

    lovedoctor926 5 years ago

    from page

  • profile image

    lovedoctor926 5 years ago

    mine highlights the entire comment on a hub in blue @ then it magically disappears from the screen leaving me with no other choice but to log out frkm page. lol

  • EuroNinila profile image

    Fotinoula Gypsyy 5 years ago from NYC BABY

    lol nice hub, very funny. I hate it when my computer goes against me!

  • ChristyWrites profile image

    Christy Birmingham 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

    This is funny - the evidence is stacking up for your argument! LOL sometimes my computer slows down and it takes so long to load screens.. but I have days when I am slower too :)

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    The printer at work hates me. My home printer has been out of ink so long, I don't even know how it feels about me. :-) Thanks for dropping by!

  • DeborahNeyens profile image

    Deborah Neyens 5 years ago from Iowa

    My computer is okay. It's my printer that hates me!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    I really think my computer is too smart for its own good sometimes. I also get some weird issues going when I try to group my hubs, too. Sometimes I just wait until I am at work and fix it there. Thanks for voting up my hub and for sharing!

  • Jools99 profile image

    Jools99 5 years ago from North-East UK

    Jeannie - this tickled me :o), loved the headline ' my computer works when i start pricing computers online'...yes, sometimes they seem to have a life of their own. Sometimes, I have real problems with HP when I'm trying to group my hubs - it just will not do it, I have text floating all over the screen, bizarre!

    Great hub - voted up and shared.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    This is very important information. Now that I know other computers are plotting against their owners, my argument is stronger. Let's hope they don't start to completely turn on us anytime soon.

    Thanks for the vote up!

  • Redberry Sky profile image

    Redberry Sky 5 years ago

    Your computer and mine must be in the same union - every time I go to do a Hub or post a comment I get the Mac 'beach ball of death' while my browser decides if it's going to play the game or close my browser without warning. They are toying with our minds!

    Glad it's not just me who thinks the machines are against us :)

    Love the Hub! Voted up.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks so much! I am really hoping my Halloween hubs pull in a lot of money this year. A new computer might have to enter my life before I throw it out the window. Thanks for the vote up!

  • Movie Master profile image

    Movie Master 5 years ago from United Kingdom

    Oh Jeannie, I love your writing, I have tears running down my cheeks here.....

    I can so relate to your problem, I hope you get things fixed or someone treats you to a new computer!

    A big vote up from me, best wishes Lesley

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    You are so right! I am typing this comment on my computer right now (slowly, of course, my computer is malfunctioning as we speak) and it knows I am on to it. It is probably plotting against me right now. If I vanish from HubPages, you'll know what happened! Thanks for the comment and the vote up!

  • Sun Pen 50 profile image

    Sun Pen 50 5 years ago from Srilanka

    Oh! Some people think these are funny stories. Only the people who have experienced this type of happenings can understand. It starts with small, trivial things. But, be careful. When you go to share your experience with others, You may end up in know where. Voted up/Funny

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    mollymeadows - I am pretty sure some type of evil force is responsible for computers. Thanks for the comment!

    josh3418 - Thanks! Don't worry about it... it is rather funny. My computer is possessed. Thank goodness my Kindle Fire is still on my side though. I am happy you enjoyed the hub! :-)

    fpherj48 - Sometimes you do just have to call the geeks in for the computer. I've done that in the past, but my computer is just so old now, I would rather just get a new one. Hopefully I can start make more money online soon and get one. Thanks for the comment and I hope your computer is feeling better soon.

    Weekend Reader - Perhaps taking the polite approach with my computer would make a big difference. I will give that a shot next time. Thanks for the advice. :-)

    TTombs08 - Good for you! I have almost given up on my computer, too. I am still considering getting a Mac this time. We shall see! Thanks for checking out my hub! I feel your pain!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    innerspin - That is exactly what my computer needs - computer therapy! Maybe I should start a company that does just that. Thanks for the comment!

    thougtforce - I am pretty sure there is some type of virus on the computer or the computer is damaged from an old virus. At any rate, I agree... I need a new computer! Thanks for the vote up!

    Julie DeNeen - Thank you! I am happy you enjoyed it.

    weestro - Hahaha... that is OK. My computer would probably get that reference considering it seems to live in the past. Thanks for the votes!

    Cogerson - Hehe! I totally think about HAL the computer everytime I use my computer. I swear, it is going to start talking to me soon and making major decisions for me without my permission. Thanks for dropping by and thanks for the votes!

  • TToombs08 profile image

    Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

    Jeannie, I'm with you in this pain. I have cleaned it inside and out and yet it still refuses to work with me. I guy it new software to show off to it's friends and still I get no love!

    Next week, I'm going to the big city to look for a new computer-love and divorcing my old computer-nolove. :)

  • Weekend Reader profile image

    Cindy D Whipany 5 years ago

    I am not a computer tech, but my computer is less likely than most to slow down or fail. I do not rant or cuss at it. I say "please" when I ask for a download and "thank you" when I'm done for the day. My computer likes me. The @#$%! dial-up ISP I use, however, deserves every bit of profanity I can throw at it.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    OMG, Jeannie! I can't believe tis! Listen, YOU ARE NOT ALONE . I understand your frustration...I share your pain fellow hubber!

    My computer has been simply horrible and unfeeling toward me for the past week.......a beast of an object..showing no mercy and no remorse whatsoever.

    I am calling Dr. Geek. I have no choice. I send my thoughts and wishes to you, Jeannie......I hope you are able to solve the mystery and defend against this horrid plot!! UP+++

  • josh3418 profile image

    Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania


    I am not sure if are supposed to take this as funny, since it was your expense. LOL But, it was very funny and I enjoyed your delivery. I love your humorous writings. They crack me up, brighten my days and give me a good laugh! thanks for sharing Jeannie, and hopefully your computer has a change of heart very soon! :P

  • mollymeadows profile image

    Mary Strain 5 years ago from The Shire

    Jeannie, the guy who created computers got the idea when he was worshiping the devil on a hilltop. He was struck by lightning and IBM was born. ;-)

    Funny hub. Painfully true hub, but funny hub.

  • Cogerson profile image

    Cogerson 5 years ago from Virginia

    An excellent hub....thank goodness your computer did not win that fight....I could not help thinking about HAL the computer from 2001 A Space Odyssey(sorry I am a movie guy). I like the fact that your computer works when pricing other computers....that is how it works around my house with doctors.....I might start complaining about something not working on my body.....and my wife will say...."Then go to the doctor".....and since I am a guy....going to the doctor and asking for directions are two things I find hard to when she says go to the doctor...I immediately start to feel better....voted up and very funny. Job well done.

  • weestro profile image

    Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

    Reminds me of that eighties movie Electric Dreams....I've got to get out more, anyway I hope you get it fixed soon. Voted up and funny!

  • Julie DeNeen profile image

    Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

    LOL...very creative way to deal with the frustration of computer problems!

  • thougtforce profile image

    Christina Lornemark 5 years ago from Sweden

    Haha, it sounds like you need a new computer or maybe you need to get deep into your computer to find out what is wrong with it! Some computers are simply not the help they should be:)

    I enjoyed this, and I can so relate to the feeling since my former PC was just like this!

    Voted up, funny


  • innerspin profile image

    Kim Kennedy 5 years ago from uk

    Like it! Based on the above evidence, your computer does seem out to get you. Can computers have a personality disorder? Maybe it should go into therapy. Funny hub, thanks.