Friday Funnies!

1. 84

   Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years ago

   My son sent me this.... guys make what you want of it....
   
   
   
   
   
   The guys' side of the story???
   
   We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side
   
   These are our rules!  Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
   
   1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
   
   1.    Learn to work the toilet seat.   You're a big girl.   If it's up, put it down.   We need it up, you need it down.   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
   
   1.    Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
   
   1.    Crying is blackmail.
   
   1.    Ask for what you want.   Let us be clear on this one!  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!
   
   1.    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
   
   1.   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do..  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
   
   1.    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
   
   1.    If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.
   
   1.    If something we said can be interpreted  two ways  and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
   
   1.   You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
   
   1.    Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
   
   1.    Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
   
   1.    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.   Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.
   
   1.    If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.
   
   1.    If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
   
   1.    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
   
   1.   When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!
   
   1.    Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
   
   1.    You have enough clothes.
   
   1.   You have too many shoes.
   
   1.    I am in shape.    Round IS a shape!
   
   1.   Thank you for reading this.   Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?   It's like camping.

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   1. 79

      JamaGeneeposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      ROTFLMAO!!!  Tooo funny!  And so true!  Thanks! 

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   2. 61

      sassychicposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      This was just what I needed today! oh lord I was laughing so hard I have to use teh ladies room now oh dear!

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   3. 65

      Ivorwenposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the good laugh!
      
      When ever I ask my husband what color I should pain something, his response is "purple," but what he really means is a deep red... except when I show him a paint strip, he picks out purple. 
      
      Oh well, my dad insisted that 'eggshell' was a color of paint, not a sheen, and that we paint all of the remodel work we did in it.  He never understood why the light base and dark base turned out different...
      
      For a color crazy woman, this is the most aggravating!  I can deal with toilet seats. 

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2. 64

   The Real Tomatoposted 15 years ago

   Beautiful! I am a keepin this one.
   
   Like an arrow hitting the target.
   Seriously- men get a bad wrap these days!

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3. 63

   Lifebydesignposted 15 years ago

   I totally get it. And you know what they're right. But so are we!

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4. 60

   Laughing Momposted 15 years ago

   My husband's contract only gives me 2 days on previous comments I can use in arguments.  How would I get the 7 day revision?

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   1. 79

      JamaGeneeposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Forget the 7 day revision, LM.  It's a myth.  Only things men remember longer than 48 hours are the RBIs of every baseball player since time began and their own golf scores.  They're such simple creatures, which is why it's pointless to try to get them to communicate on our level.  They LIKE sleeping on the sofa. 

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      1. 60

         Laughing Momposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Yeah, I heard it's like camping.  But I have to hide the marshmallows because it took me forever to clean the gooey stuff out of the fireplace last time!

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5. 0

   C. C. Riterposted 15 years ago

   Aha! I knew that you women knew these things and you all are determined to change us along with the rules. haha! ain't it the truth?

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   1. 61

      sassychicposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      guilty as charged! C.C. Riter! ha ha ha

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6. 84

   Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years ago

   This one cracks me up no matter how many times I read it.
   
   Yeah this has been a long week TGIF
   Have a great weekend everyone...
   
   
   
   
   After being married to my wife for 30 YEARS, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said "Honey, 30 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but every night I got to sleep with a hot 19-year-old gal. Now I have a  $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me you're not holding up your side of things".
   
   My wife a reasonable woman... she told me to get out and find me a hot 19-year-old gal and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch Black and white TV.
   
   AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?
   
   THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE A MID-LIFE CRISIS.

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7. 84

   Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years ago

   We all seem to be way too serious. Here is one to loosen up with and laugh a little!!!!
   
   
   
   
   Loving Wife!
   
   A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. 
   Inside, he finds couple in bed.
   He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
   While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
   then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
   
   While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
   'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
   He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
   I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
   Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
   This guy is obviously very dangerous.
   If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
   Be strong, honey. I love you!'
   
   His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
   He was whispering in my ear.
   He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. 
   I told him it was in the bathroom.
   Be strong honey. I love you too.'

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8. 62

   GeneriqueMediaposted 15 years ago

   Seriously, milk's coming out of my nose. And I'm drinking coffee.

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   1. 84

      Zsuzsy Beeposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      That quite a trick...ha ha

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9. 0

   Adam Bposted 15 years ago

   That was funny, thanks!

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10. 56

    Dame Scribeposted 15 years ago

    roflol love it, lol

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