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For some reason this made me think of the HubLove Contest

  1. stephhicks68 profile image84
    stephhicks68posted 8 years ago

    From my joke email inbox.  Replace images of exercise with writing hubs and the fanatical personal trainer with HubPages staff (OK, maybe our own personal drive to win the competition, instead)....

    Dear Diary, for my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health
    Club for me.
    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school Cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal Trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics Instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

    The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
    Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
    Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
    Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny idiot to find me.
    Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine â��which I sank.       
    I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little punk. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
    Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any Triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
    Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
    Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...         
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh!t) will choose a gift for me that is Fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with

    1. Peter M. Lopez profile image92
      Peter M. Lopezposted 8 years ago in reply to this



      1. Inspirepub profile image89
        Inspirepubposted 8 years ago in reply to this

        At the risk in incurring a storm of envy, I had a houseguest arrive last night who is a professional massage therapist and is working on my "Hubber's elbow" daily while she's here ...


        P.S. Actually it's more than just my elbow, it's the entire forearm, back of the hand, between my third and fourth fingers, and my whole ring finger! Damn, you Brad ... I mean PaulnPaul ...

  2. Hope Alexander profile image79
    Hope Alexanderposted 8 years ago

    This 'Brad' you speak of, is he single? wink

  3. Zsuzsy Bee profile image86
    Zsuzsy Beeposted 8 years ago

    Steph! Does Brad have an evil twin living here in Canada??? He, Joerg works at our local Y. He's just as sadistic as your Brad.
    I absolutely love your diary entries...my side still hurts from laughing...If I hadn't been your fan already, you sure would have me now, as one.
    regards Zsuzsy

  4. Stacie Naczelnik profile image88
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 8 years ago