If you have a funny short story, or joke, let us have it. Here's Mine.
A lady was driving with her husband in the car, having a very heated arguement. As the emotions escalated so did the speed of the car.
A state trooper pulls the lady over. The who time she is fussing and arguing with her husband back and forth.
The State trooper comes to the window and asks her what is her hurry. She, being very TICKED that she has to deal with this officer. Said "I was on my way to buy tickets to one of your balls."
The state trooper stated without even thinking said " Ma'am the state police don't have balls."
After a long pause, he just dropped his head waved his arm and told the lady to "have a good day." Then went back to his car.
This story is just too funny.
Now do you have any.....?
Oh Sorry Mate....
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To Post Jokes in a Thread that states it's for Discussing Depression
A drunken Welshman was walking by a river where a Preacher was baptizing. he staggered down and bumped into the Preacher. taken aback by the smell of beer on his breath the Preacher grabbed him and said "Do you want to find Jesus?"
"Yes I do!" Said the drunk. So the preacher baptized him, pulled him out of the water and said "have you found Jesus?"
"No I have not!" said the drunk. So the Preacher grabbed him and baptized him again and said "have you found Jesus now my brother?"
"No!" said the drunk. So the Preacher grabbed him again, stuck him in the water and held him till he started kicking. He pulled him out and said. "For the love of God, have you found Jesus now?"
The drunk replied "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What
are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'
I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'
He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'
My six year old boy was sassing me in front of customer at our store and I told him that he needed to stop mouthing me. He spouted off again and I told him, in as firm of a tone as I could without making the customer uncomfortable, that he was going to get it when we got home. He defiantly pointed to his mouth and said "I already have it! See!!" That poor customer (a regular of ours) tried really hard not to laugh but found the task to be more than he could muster.
I was riding with a friend and her three year old and eight year old daughters who were in the back seat of the car. The three year old was having a temper tantrum and could not be consoled.
So my friend out of desperation, promised her that if she would be good she would take her to get an ice cream sundae.
The three year old continued to cry and wouldn't stop. On and on. It was really getting annoying.
The mom once more said "honey, I told you we could go get an ice cream sundae if you are good. Don't you want one."
She said "Mommy, I don't want an ice cream sunday, I want it today!"
A man goes into a theatrical agency and says he wants to register his act. " What sort of act have you got" says the agent." Well, it's a family act", says the guy.OK describe it says the agent.
The guy says , well first of all , our youngest gal comes on and performs a sexual act with a stallion and bull.Then the uncles and young neices get together and act out all the sexual deviances known to mankind.The grande finale ends up with the whole family getting out whips and dildoes and..
The agent stops him and says. For heavens sake man. What the hell do you call this perverted family act of yours.
The guy says, The ARISTOCRACY
A new preacher who had just moved to town decided to take a ride on his bicycle down the road a bit.
He sees a boy sitting on the side of the road with a lawn mower.
The boy looks really sad, so he stops to ask the boy what is wrong.
The boy says he wanted a bike but his dad said they could not afford one.
The preacher felt sorry for him so He said to the boy " Well how about if you trade me your lawn mower, for my bike."
So the boy agreed.
The preacher took the lawn mower home and tried to start it.
He pulled on the cord a number of times but the lawn mower. Wouldn't start. He checked the fluids and tried again. It still wouldn't start.
After getting frustrated. He took the lawn mower back down the road and found the boy. He says, "hey, this lawn mower won't start."
The boy said, "yes it will. You just have to curse at it."
The Preacher said, " young man I am a preacher, I have forgotten, all about cursing years ago."
The boy said, " well, just keep yanking on the cord, it'll come back to you."
This one is a true story - I was much younger! To understand, I have to tell you that I was living at a dot on the map called Iwade, that is next to a big well known town called Sittingbourne - we had been visiting my parents at Westgate, an insignificant dot next to the famous Margate -
The local village policeman stepped out and stopped us as we passed through his village at 3 in the morning - He said, "do you mind telling me where you are going at this time of the morning?" I told him "Sittingbourne" - my wife leaned over and said "No we are not! we are going to Iwade!" The policeman smiled and asked, "where have you come from?" I said "Margate", she leaned over and said very firmly "NO, Westgate!" The policeman patted me on the shoulder and said, "It's ok son, I'm married too!" then waved us on our way.
My girlfriend of and I were taking a train back from a party one Saturday morning with a group of friends. We arrived at the station, but had no idea when the train was due.
Quick as a flash, one of the girls asked a conductor who was mopping the floor of his office with a squeezy mop.
He stood up, and answered her as he walked with his mop to the edge of the platform, telling her that the train to Brighton would arrive in fifteen minutes.
With that, he lifted the mop over the tracks and proceeded to squeeze it out.
"I thought you said the train's not due for fifteen minutes," she remarked.
"It's not," he replied, clearly perplexed.
"Then why are you cleaning its windows?"
We just cracked up and the conductor went straight back into his office, slamming the door behind him.
No sense of humour railway workers, obviously.
No they don't, nor did they have any manners in the past, don't know about these days - we went to catch a train for a short local trip, about a quid each, I offered the guy with his feet up reading a book in his little box a tenner, he glanced up and said "how the f**k am I goung to change that!" I had him by the throat up against the wall before common sense kicked in and I dropped him. I have not taken a train since by choice, maybe three times in thirty years.
I had to go to London and back on a daily basis for about a month and that was a killer.
It wasn't too bad--but busy--during normal travelling times, but there's some funky people get on during the rest of the time, not to mention school kids.
Jeez man. I came just a gnat's scrotum from murder on several occasions...
A grandmother was pushing her grand-child around a shop in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket, she would say, "aww.. here is something for your Diploma", or "this will make a cute little outfit for your Diploma." and so on.
Eventually, a shopkeeper in a bewilderment who had heared all of this finally asked," Why do you keep calling your grand-child 'Diploma'?...huh??"
The grandmother simply replied, "wat to say dear... I sent my daughter to collage and this is what she came home with."
Hope you all like this joke
Here is mine - though it is true and may not be that dang funny to anyone else.
We had a male malamute who was forever running around peeing on everything - like posts, my flowers, etc....Kodi saw it, lifted a leg and there ya go.
I read on the internet about this cool thing you could buy at the pet store called a 'pee pole'.
The next time we were going into town to do our shopping, I turned to Bob in the car and said 'we need to stop at Petco because I need to get a pee pole.'
Dead serious, he looks over at me and says 'what the heck do we need a peep hole for? We have one in the front door.'
I say very carefully - 'I didn't say we needed a peep hole - I said we need a pee pole'......as in DUH - hello - can you not HEAR me?
I think we went back and forth like this for about 10 minutes for crying out loud. He kept thinking I was saying peep hole when I was clearly saying 'pee pole'. I finally had to drag him into the store and show him the little yellow pole that you put into the ground for a urinatingly-challenged male dog to use.
Of course he just beams and says 'well crap - why didn't you just say pee pole? I would have gotten it!' And they say I'M blond!
By the way - the pee pole doesn't work! After implanting it in the ground very proud that I could come up with this marvelous remedy, 5 minutes later, Kodi carried it up onto the deck and left it by the back door for me - chewed to heck I might add - and proceeded to pee on the deck pole! Maybe I should have bought a peep hole after all!
Hilarious, I literally laughed out loud. Too much.
.................Husbands and dogs...........................
If you need a good laugh read these posts or post your own.
When my little brother was about 3 yrs old we took him to the county fair. He was a very adventerous kid, he would climb anything, ride on any ride, he was afraid of nothing. He would even beg to watch scary movies, and he thought indiana jones was hilarious.
Anyway that night at the fair, after he had rode several rides with my dad, and begging for more, dad decided we should have a little to eat. Somebody brought over some cotton candy to give some to my brother, who then proceeded to freak out. He was terrified, he was climbing all over my day trying to get away from the cotton candy.
I was so funny once the cotton candy was brought to his attention we had to leave, because just walking down the midway everywhere you looked you could see people eating cotton candy it was so funny.
We still give him a hard time about that. He is now 24 and I am happy to say has overcome his fear.
Here's one from work:
An elderly confused lady kept bugging me about almost anything and everything under the sun while I was trying to finish my med pass. So I wrote her a note, "I AM BUSY RIGHT NOW, TALK TO YOU SOON"..
She squinted hard at the paper,and said: " Honey, I can not read those letters because I am ...deaf." For real.Haha!
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