Need serious advice from outsiders view about estranged brother

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   peeplesposted 11 years ago

   I don't really know my brother. Didn't even know he was my brother till 12 years old and have only seen him a hand full of times since then. He is functional mentally handicap. He lives 250 miles away. He is on lots of pills recreationally. Out of no where he calls me last night. I haven't spoke to him in 3 years. He has called me 4 times today more drugged up every call. My aunt, who raised him, doesn't seem to care saying "he doesn't listen to me". I had no idea he was like this and I am scared for his life at this point. He had taken 7 Xanax last I spoke to him. He wants to come live with me he says, but my aunt was strongly against the idea. I don't know what to do, and I don't want him to end up killing himself on all the pills. I've got three kids to think about but he's my blood too. Normally I don't ask complete strangers on the internet for serious advice, but I don't know what else to do and I am scared for him. I know boring, not a thread about politics or religion but all responses will be appreciated. Thanks

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   LuisEGonzalezposted 11 years ago

   Your kids come first, think about that before you take any decision. You may get all sorts of advice but the ultimate decision is yours and you will have to live with whatever choice you make. Your family and those who know him best are the ones that can offer you the best guidance now.

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      Hollie Thomasposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      This is a really difficult situation. If you didn't know he existed until you were 12 years old, then, your knowledge of his character and behaviour is *probably* limited. You are clearly worried about him, and any potential risk to your family. I don't know what I'd do, to be honest. However, as an outsider, I'd suggest that it might be a good idea to meet up with him, ask him what's troubling him and why he feels the way that he does, what the difficulties are with your aunt. etc.
      
      Maybe at some other stage you could meet with them both together, get both sides of the story before making a decision. Sorry, never been in this situation so wouldn't know what the best advice is.

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      peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Unfortunately he was abandoned by my parents at 2 and my aunt who raised him doesn't care. leaving me as the only person he has. I know it's my decision, I simply don't know how to make it.

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   Healthy Pursuitsposted 11 years ago

   I'd stay away from that situation. Speaking as someone who tried to help a friend with a drug problem, it's like inviting chaos and pain into your home. You have no idea what messes your children will see or even be subjected to with someone who's needy and on drugs living in your house.
   
   See if there is any way that a local non-profit or social services can help him and your aunt. Then be strong and let yourself off the hook. You aren't an expert in dealing with either damaged children or with addiction.

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   Motown2Chitownposted 11 years ago

   I completely understand the concern about bringing him home to live with your family.  Do you know if he has a regular doctor/therapist that he sees?  If so, I'd approach his doctor and find out if they can get him into a treatment center, or even a mental health " respite."  If he's not into treatment or hospitalization, a respite might take him.  It's a smaller, residential type environment that gives a patient a very "home" type environment for someone undergoing an overwhelming period of stress.  Google free mental health care in your community to see what comes up there.  If nothing comes up that way, search mental health respites with your location.
   
   IF you make a decision to bring him into your home, do the best you can to make it clear that only his prescribed medication is an option while he's there, for the safety of your children.  If, for any reason, he's not willing to adhere to that request, let him know he needs to find another place to go.
   
   I'll be thinking of you and wishing you at least a little peace during the process.

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      peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      He doesn't have a regular doctor, no one takes care of him anymore, even though he somewhat needs it. I will look up free mental health where he is and see where it gets me. I do know he has collected disability his whole adult life so that should imply some sort of medicaid or something to assist in paying for services somewhere.
      Thank you!

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   Hollie Thomasposted 11 years ago

   I would also add, that if he is ringing you and wants to come live with you, this is not an individual that would chose death if there were other options. He wants to *live* somewhere.

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      peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I fear what happens if I say no, knowing he has no one else.

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   Cantuhearmescreamposted 11 years ago

   peeples,
   I'm guessing you feel a sense of guilt and responsibility for him, after all, he is your brother and you seem very compassionate. I don't think that you should simply cast him aside and say it's not your problem and I'm assuming that is an equally unappealing option for you. How could you leave him hanging when he is in such need of help and he has no one? It is human to put ourselves out there to help those in need and I'm guessing you will regret not trying to help in whatever ways you have available. Unfortunately, I think that you might regret moving him, a relative stranger into your home with your family. It would be a huge adjustment for the adults let alone what it might be like for your children, especially if he is slightly imbalanced because of mental disabilities and/or substance abuse problems. You might be risking the health of your family by bringing him into it. But, I would encourage and support you making phone calls; see what kinds of resources are available for him. If you feel as though your aunt doesn't care or doesn't have the energy or capabilities of helping him appropriately, then maybe you could see about relocating him to your area into a place that he could get help and you could be near enough to help him by visits, phone calls, communicating with his residential facility staff? It's just a thought and I don't know what you have in your area, but if he is disabled I'm certain he must get or would be entitled to state/federal medical assistance and through a bit of sweat and work might be able to make it happen without financial burdens.

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      peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Moving him closer, but not in my house is a great idea that I had not even thought of. I just can't see being another person to abandon him. Thank you.

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         Cantuhearmescreamposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Sometimes if we don't do something to help someone that needs us the guilt becomes overwhelming. You strike me as the kind of person that hates to think of someone in need getting no help. You might just feel a sense of relief if you are able to do something for him, whatever that something may be. Yes, it could be a big challenge but something tells me that you have the heart and the energy to handle it...and a supportive husband. Whatever you choose, I'm sure will have come after a lot of thought so don't doubt yourself afterwards.

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   Moms-Secretposted 11 years ago

   This is a tough one.  He is your brother but you do not know anything about him.  I would want to help but not at a risk to my own children.  It may be insensitive but it is my truth.  I am super protective of the children.  I would look for independent living facilities in the area.  They are not institutions, he wouldn't be locked up, but he would have access to some resources he may need.  They are like dorms.  It would give him a bit of independence and the ability to visit family as regularly as you both want.  If he needs round the clock care than there are locations for that as well.  Family is family.  I understand the obligation but my home is my sanctuary and I do not have to take myself out of my comfort zone because of any biological connection unless they were birthed by me.
   
   Sorry if it is harsh.

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   wildove5posted 11 years ago

   Only because you have no idea what his state of mind is and for the safety of your family I would try to contact the United way in your area, I believe the number is 211 nationwide.  They will be able to put you in-touch with agency in your area that can help him with housing and treatment in a safe environment.  This way you will have piece of mind that you did what you could to help him, if he refuses the help then maybe his intentions were not innocent and he has no intentions on bettering his situation.  I'm sure you will do whats best for your family and brother. Best wishes!!!

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   LongTimeMotherposted 11 years ago

   Peeples, please don't let him anywhere near your house. You will never forgive yourself if your cilldren become victims or feel unsafe in their own home. If he won't listen to your aunt, he's not likely to listen to you. Your responsibility is to your own children.
   Sounds a little too fraught with danger for my liking. I'd hate to see you asking in a few weeks, "How do I get this person out of my home?"

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