Jump to Last Post 1-19 of 19 discussions (61 posts)
  1. Jluvies profile image60
    Jluviesposted 13 years ago

    Please anyone, I need help.  I'm just bareley going to start working again next week hopefully.  It's been tough. Extrememly tough taking care of my little ones.  I'm supposed to get alimony and child support, but my ex wont pay.  I don't have a vehicle so in our "mediation" agreement he is supposed to either bring them to me or help pick them up for school.  He does none of this.  Instead he uses the money to take them and his girlfriend to Disneyland, while I'm at home stuck with nothing.  He calls to tell me, I can't pay the support cuz I'm going to Disneyland.  He doesn't pay it again this week.  The kids are supposed to be with me. He doesn't drop them off.  He takes them to the festival.  I feel like I cant explain to the kids what's going on, but they must think I'm a horrible mom.  He does this on purpose to make me look bad to my kids, I know it.  Well, I've been too nice for too long.  And I'm taking him back to court to get full custody, since he refuses to follow the guidelines and assist me in taking care of our kids.  He says when they are with me he will not help us.  He thinks that he only needs to be a dad when they are in his presence, after that who cares.  I need legal help here in Santa Barbara County.  I cannot afford an attorney again. And I don't know what to do. I'm dying inside. Please help anyone!

    1. barryrutherford profile image75
      barryrutherfordposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      with all due repsect you have only been here 10 days!  so to be already asking hubbers for money is a little rich.  You should be able to get help from your local community such as the local Comunity health centre or try the churches .  The local Law society shold be able to give you a lawyer that will give you free legal advice !

      good luck !

      1. TheGlassSpider profile image65
        TheGlassSpiderposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        With all due respect, what does it matter how long she's been here? I didn't see anything in her post asking for money. Obviously, she's been working hard at her hubbing since she's been here. Her author score is higher than yours. So what?

        Maybe she's just looking for the name of a Legal Aid organization in her area, or maybe she's just looking for someone to come on and say, "Hey, I've been there, nail his balls to the wall, girlfriend." Or anything supportive or caring whatsoever. Maybe she just wanted to vent.

        You know, help can come in all kinds of ways. But one place it doesn't come from is making assumptions and hoarding the community spirit up for those who've "been here long enough" to suit you. I'm sure you've seen all kinds of scams and stuff in your time here, I get it...but every single time the potential scam comes up, I'd rather give the benefit of the doubt and say something actually kind (rather than accusing them of panhandling basically and throwing a superficial "good luck" on the end of it) and get burned by a bot, than take the chance that there was a real person hurting behind the screen.

        Just my two cents.

        1. Jluvies profile image60
          Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          thank you. i am not looking for money. it doesn't help anyways. i don't care for it much from my ex. i just don't want my children to view me badly, to think that i don't want to take them this types of events.  they were scared to even tell me about thier trip to disney land because we had discussed going together for such a long time... i just need advice. someone to tell me that in the long run, nice people eventually will prosper. i gave him 50/50 for the sake of my kids and now i'm going for full custody or whatever it is so that he will realize he is a dad 100% of the time no matter what the  papers say. it's not fair the kids have to struggle when they are with me and then he makes it all grand when they are with him. my kids are smart, they see how hard i try and they are wonderful and greatful when we do activities that dont cost money, we write, scavenger hunts, hunt for clues, paint, draw, etc. But I can't allow him to keep treating me this way. JUST TO MAKE IT CLEAR I AM NOT ASKING FOR ANY MONEY!

          1. IzzyM profile image86
            IzzyMposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            What you are doing with your kids, they will appreciate 100 times more than trips, presents or money spent on them. Trust me, kids just want to be loved smile

        2. barryrutherford profile image75
          barryrutherfordposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          yes but instead of posting an address in her profile it says "from a lond far far away !  enough to ring a alrm bell surely  tongue

          1. TheGlassSpider profile image65
            TheGlassSpiderposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Why? I would think if someone wanted money, they'd post a way to get it to them. My profile says I'm "On the Web"

            I don't want people knowing where I live. I assume she doesn't either.

            1. barryrutherford profile image75
              barryrutherfordposted 13 years agoin reply to this

              yes but your not asking for help !

          2. profile image0
            seo in a nutshellposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            the bells must be ringing inside your head...maybe you can't think straight because of the noise between your ears.

            small minded man you are barry

      2. Jluvies profile image60
        Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        i'm not asking for money, i'm asking for advice on how i go about getting custody without getting a lawyer. i'm sorry to any one else who interperated that wrong.  I was hoping to maybe run across someone with legal background that could guide me in the right direction.

        1. barryrutherford profile image75
          barryrutherfordposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Okay I am sorry ! ill give you the benefit  of the doubt.  HUbbers do not send any money !

        2. donotfear profile image83
          donotfearposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Send a message to Hubber: Susanlang. She's been through it and knows the ropes very very well.

        3. DYLAN CLEARFIELD profile image66
          DYLAN CLEARFIELDposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          I was once in a similar position.  I suggest that you locate a judge in the juvenile system who is known for his genuine concern for the welfare of the children and is open to taking an active part in speeding up the system.  Judges have a lot of power in such situations and some of them are known for their activism.  It's worth the time it'll take to locate him or her by basically asking around amongst the people who should know.

      3. profile image0
        ryankettposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        I normally agree with the stuff that you say barryrutherford, but you don't have any right to comment on any thread that you haven't bothered to read properly. The OP never asked for cash, the impression that I got was that she was asking for advice or guidance. It is a shame that you had to tarnish your otherwise valuable input with that initial drivel.

        1. barryrutherford profile image75
          barryrutherfordposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          I advised her to go to her local Law Society to get pro-bono legal andvice & Community Health Services & local chruches to get material support if that is drivel well then your comment  is drivel !

          1. profile image0
            ryankettposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            "It is a shame that you had to tarnish your otherwise valuable input with that initial drivel."

            Yes I know, like I said.... your input was otherwise valuable. Are you not prepared to even admit that you were wrong? Show me the line in her post which suggests that she wants cash from a hubber and I will admit that I am wrong.

            1. TheGlassSpider profile image65
              TheGlassSpiderposted 13 years agoin reply to this

              He apologized later in the thread smile

              1. profile image0
                ryankettposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                It didn't really constitute an apology in my opinion, "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt" is one of the most offensive cliches in the English language. It is a simple way of saying "I still don't believe you, but I can't be bothered to argue with you". And afterall, he addressed me, his 'apology' bears little relation to me....

                1. TheGlassSpider profile image65
                  TheGlassSpiderposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  Well, I can see what you mean.

                  I was thinking about when he said "I am sorry" and not about the exchange between the two of you. Short-sighted of me, I suppose. I asked him to "give the benefit of the doubt" originally. So, that annoying phrase is mine...LOL

                2. barryrutherford profile image75
                  barryrutherfordposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  Okay here is my apology !

                  1. alternate poet profile image67
                    alternate poetposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                    hey Barry - is your oz weather going by the book this year - we seem to have got stuck in winter/spring with rain and cold !

      4. prettydarkhorse profile image63
        prettydarkhorseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Ask the local government to help you for free legal advice. Just keep your head up ad do the best that you can, HUGS, Maita

    2. Mr Nice profile image78
      Mr Niceposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Here is the info you need. I hope this info will be helpful.
      Legal Aid Foundation’s
      Legal Assistance is provided free to low-income people and senior citizens in the following areas of law:
      •    Family Law
      •    Domestic Violence
      •    Landlord/Tenant Law
      •    Income Maintenance
      •    Civil Rights
      •    Consumer
      301 East Canon Perdido Street
      Santa Barbara, CA 93101-1517, United States
      (805) 963-6754
      Please also contact Social services here is the link.

      Families & childrens programs

    3. profile image0
      Cara Moffatposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I am so sorry for what you are going through.  It is usually that way initially between parents. 

      These are the things you can be confident of but you also will need patience because they don't happen quickly:

      1) Your children WILL see that you are doing the best that you can.

      2) Don't fight against the unfairness of it all.  It is unfair but God is the only one that can even the score....and I promise you - HE WILL!  I have seen it happen many times.  If you try and make it "fair" you will end up hurting only yourself.

      3)Constantly think of what is the best for your children and fight only for that.

      4)Remind yourself every day that you don't need your EX to survive and believe it! 

      5)Surround yourself with people that can encourage you and help you. 

      Read my Hubs for inspiration and encouragement.  You will see how much I can relate!

    4. KERB profile image58
      KERBposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      in california there is the Department of Child Care Services DCSS.  bring them your paperwork from the divorce stating the amount he is to pay.  They will take care of the 'dead beat' dad through securing monies from any earnings he may have.  They will also take him back to court if need be.  You will always have to be at court when they go for you.  I made the mistake of not going the first time cause I had to work.  Not good results.  This service in on the main website for the government of California. 

      Become a part of your community, a church, a good Christian Church.  They will help you with the rest of what you will need to survive.

      Have FAITH, you will get through this.  And who cares what that man does.  Have amnesia about him, his girlfriend, and worry about your kids....  his lifestyle is now different than yours.  leave it alone, no one in the court system really cares about what you think.  only that YOU are taking care of your children and that they are safe.

    5. profile image57
      MrValeposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  2. KeithTax profile image73
    KeithTaxposted 13 years ago

    Check the phone book or Social Services for free legal help. Most communities have a Legal Services type organization to help poor people with legal problems such as yours.

  3. TheGlassSpider profile image65
    TheGlassSpiderposted 13 years ago

    J: I am not sure that my advice will be perfect for your area, so you may have to do some searching. While it is probably easier to have a lawyer, remember that you should not HAVE to have a lawyer in order to be able to do some of this stuff. You need to get to the family court and speak with the clerk there; the clerk can tell you all kinds of things that you might be able to do and what you'll need to fill out the proper paperwork (however they cannot give you legal advice, so remember that when you ask your questions - they cannot tell you what you SHOULD do, only HOW to go about doing a thing you've mentioned). You're going to need to file a petition to garnish his wages, most likely, and I'm fairly sure you can do that in the same place where you'll apply for custody of the children. You're going to need documentation or evidence of his lack of cooperation to take to the court.

    Make sure to get in touch with the department of health and human resources in your area (they may be called the department of social services). They may be able to connect you with legal advice, counseling services, and some of the other basic needs that it sounds like you might need some help with. They should also be able to get you in touch with the Department for Child Support Enforcement - every area has one.

    In my area, there is an organization called Legal Aid and one called Red Apple...they are free legal services for women in difficult domestic situations. I do not know if they are in your area, but I would be very surprised if there wasn't SOME kind of free or cheap legal aid in your region.

    I wish you the best of luck!

  4. I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s profile image61
    I*n*v*i*c*t*u*sposted 13 years ago

    I hear you, and can add it would be first of a good choice to Contact Social services to ensure you can get help to have food and resources for you and children.  Also, ask about local food banks.. etc.

    Also, many communities have Legal aid offices which you can apply to hopefully have a lawyer assist you in Civil Court for custody. Either pro-bono (free) or a sliding scale based on your income.
    Plus, I would also suggest phoning a Womens Shelter.. Just to explain your situation, because the nature of what you have shared they may have some resources and guidence/support while you are going through the process. They may also have resources of lawyers whom may be willing to take on a pro-bono case.. Or, if your situation fits into there guidelines some may be able to assist in helping to out to also ensure your children and yourself have other needs met.. maybe counseling too..
    I can understand it is a difficult situation..

    I would phone some lawyer offices and ask about consultations.. Some do not charge and others range in there fees.. See as many as you can.. to here there response to your situation...
    Just a point, your ex will not be able to retain any Lawyer you have had a consultatin with.

    You just need to start making some contacts of what has been provided and ask questions..

    I wish you and your children the best..

    1. Jluvies profile image60
      Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I live with my mom and step dad, my boyfriend also helps me out, I am 28 years old. But they are getting tired of doing a lot of things he refuses to do. Like take them to school. Or drop them off here or there. Or contribute food wise.  I do all that I can and was recently on county aid, but I got a job. Unfortunately it was temporary, but since he was suppposed to be paying child support and alimony I thought I could budget.  I know I am fully capable of getting a job and taking care of my children, but the fact that he goes out of his way to make us struggle, or to purposely hurt me or make me feel bad that he has to pay child support is ridiculous.  Our court began on lies that he told and he was forced to pay all fees and I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he would still help me out since I am the mother of his children.  I'm just scared he'll make up some other story and run to the court. Although, I know I'll prevail, my spirit is begining to break down.  I'm running out of people to turn to for help and I want to tell everyone here, Hubpages has become kind of my place to let it all out. To not be so prideful, and to not care how weak or stupid I may sound when I ask for help or advice. I'm a big internet networker and this is the first time I have not posted a photo or put my real name, I just want to be free to say exactly what I feel, without worrying that someone I know will see how lame i am or how low my status in life has become.  I used to live in a big house doing real estate, to living in my mom's apartment with no car, no job, nothing. Like I said in my bio, I'm starting over. It's tough, it's hard, and I don't think I can do it alone.

    2. Jluvies profile image60
      Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for your input. I have been looking on the internet, it's the weekend, I've been upset and just requiring a little instant gratification. Monday will be the day!! Although, I must say.. I went from being upset and crying to being apalled that someone took me for a beggar, justified that someone stuck up for me, greatful that so many gave good advice, cheerful after reading "TheGlassSpider's" Hubs. (which I must say are GREAT), to very pleased that I have made the right decision by joining this site.  Thanks to everyone for all that you've replied.  It realy helps to know that people will go out of there way, even if it's a 10 sec note, to give u a few words of encouragement.

      1. TheGlassSpider profile image65
        TheGlassSpiderposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Hey thanks!

        Believe me...I know how it is. When I came to HP, not all that long ago, I was feeling pretty much how you were, just for different reasons. The people here welcomed me, uplifted me, and encouraged me. When I need sound advice, I know I can come here. When I need to vent...I can come here. When I want humor, something good to read, a word of kindness...I can come here.

        It's a great community, and I hope to be able to repay some of the hope and connectedness that I've found. I really do hope things turn out well for you!

        Make sure to keep writing (there are a lot of people here who can help you learn how to make your writing pay off), and remember the share the love!

  5. DomShadows profile image78
    DomShadowsposted 13 years ago

    Can I just say wow?

    *Flashback of a venture to a gas station

    *hi my car is broke down and my kids are in the car its 40 degrees in AZ..
    -- Wait you mean to tell me you ran out of gas its winter in Arizona and you left your kids in the car..?
    --Take me to where they are so I can pick them up and I'll help..

    *no i need the money now..

    --ha.. uh no..

    Sorry I don't do well with choosy beggars

    1. TheGlassSpider profile image65
      TheGlassSpiderposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I see it costs too much to even give the benefit of the doubt these days.

      Sorry state of affairs.

    2. Jluvies profile image60
      Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      i'm sorry... i'm not sure i understand?

  6. I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s profile image61
    I*n*v*i*c*t*u*sposted 13 years ago

    Also.. If you have a court signed agreement of your mediation agreement. It is a court order..
    If that is the case, than the father would be in contempt of court, which is a crime. (I am not a lawyer, yet I have experience with divorce cases and schooling of law)
    So this is not advise.. Just helpful knowledge.

    1. Jluvies profile image60
      Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      are you absolutely positive that our parental agreement done thru mediation is a legal document and that he is in contempt of court? What I need to do is figure out where I can verify that. Because that's what I was thinking. He isn't doing anything that document states AND he doesn't pay alimony or child support. On top of that it's not even him who takes care of the kids. His mother, bless her heart, though she can be evil, takes care of them. Breakfast, picks them up from school, cooks dinner, laundry. He has no idea what it's like to be a parent. He just gets to take them to fun places and gets mad that he doesn't have money to go out to the clubs. I hope one day he realizes the truth about fatherhood... I realy do. For my kids sake. I pray for the day.

      1. I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s profile image61
        I*n*v*i*c*t*u*sposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        So long as your mediation agreement is documented with the "court", it would be a legal contract.
        Every place is different with how mediation agreements are noted. In my case we were only able to attend mediation for  division of property, which was sent to the court and autenticated as an order.
        I would contact your mediator to get a confirmation on how your agreement is listed. Typically, mediators are obviously used to stear clear from court, yet, with custody, what use is an agreement without any recourse of either party not following suit?
        -So, I cannot say for sure to you regarding this because I do not have enough info to say..  Yet, if it is an order, and not followed it is Contempt of court.
        - Also, a key element that the glass spider stated is that you need to keep documentation (make a journal of all events) this can be submitted as evidence and I will say from personnal experience the more evidence in writing the better.. too many things get twisted in courts testimony.
        - Finally, I would highly recommend to NOT represent yourself if you do not have to.  You need a legal advocate/ lawyer to fight the battle for you. Especially if you were going against a lawyer.
        Personnally, I would say representing yourself only if you have no other choice..

        I wish you all the best, I can relate to some of your situation, and wish you the very best..

        1. TheGlassSpider profile image65
          TheGlassSpiderposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          I definitely agree with you on only representing yourself if you have to...To clarify, I just wanted to make sure that she knew if it was necessary there was nothing stopping her from taking it to the courts herself. If there was no other way. smile

          Great advice, Invictus.

      2. profile image0
        cosetteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        it seems to me only you would know the answer to that question since you have a copy of the mediation agreement. but since there was mediation and you have some sort of legal agreement, then that means when one party is not living up to his side of it, you have legal recourse.

        try not to worry that he takes them to disneyland...at least he is doing something and is in their lives. you have your mother to help you and access to a lot of resources, which is more than many single mothers have. my advice, since you are asking for advice, is to take out your agreement and read it carefully, Google about mediation agreements and free legal assistance in your area, and take a temp job someplace.

        also, you don't have to inconvenience your mom because instead of having her pick up the kids from school, just borrow her car and do it yourself. anything you can do to take some of the pressure off of yourself and them will help and make you feel less guilty.

        good luck.

  7. JulesGerome profile image60
    JulesGeromeposted 13 years ago

    What's wrong with this site ,people ?I find everything hard to believe in here!

    1. Jluvies profile image60
      Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      What are you referring to exactly? You find it hard to believe that a single mother is going through some difficult times with her ex husband? Or do you find it hard to believe that people have stopped to give advice? Or do you find it hard to believe that this  barryrutherford thinks i would be silly enough to ask for money on a website and that people would be silly enough to send it to me when my address says in a land far far away?  Ya. that might be a little hard to believe.  Go figure. Two men...

      1. barryrutherford profile image75
        barryrutherfordposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        so your lucky your living with your mother & step-dad who are helping support you !  you made a bad choice for  a partner youll have to wear that but  your not Robinosn Crusoe right ?

  8. tantrum profile image59
    tantrumposted 13 years ago


  9. IzzyM profile image86
    IzzyMposted 13 years ago

    My mother always taught me "If you have nothing nice to say, it is better to say nothing at all". Good advice smile

  10. KCC Big Country profile image86
    KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

    I'm not sure I understand how getting full custody helps your situation.  He just needs to be forced to pay the support it's been ordered by the courts to provide...period.  Lots of folks have given you advice about how to get legal help to do that if you are unable to do it alone.

    It's sounds like you're worried about him making you look bad to your kids.  As someone before me said, kids see through more than you realize.  Let them enjoy the Disney trips, etc.  They don't deserve to have that taken away or feel guilty for enjoying it.  And kids deserve to visit both parents regularly unless they would be harmed by doing so.  However, he should own up to his responsibilities of providing the financial support to you that will allow you to do more to take care of them. Obviously their daily well-being matters more than trips to Disneyland.  It just seems like you're mixing the support issues with how you feel about the time he spends with them.  They are different issues. 

    Good luck to you!

    1. Jluvies profile image60
      Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I know...I don't mean full custody, as in taking them away from him, but that they have a more stable environment. 50/50 has been quite difficult since he refuses to bring them to me when it's my days.  He doesn't inform me certain things I should know about and doesn't do homework with them, and half the time they are with him they are with his mom. It says in our order that if he's gonna be leaving them somewhere when he goes out, he has to leave them with me. Or at least give me the option first.  I never want to take their father from them and I know I have been very good about not bad mouthing him or arguing in front of the children, but he is relentless. He curses me, threatens me, and belittles me in front of them.  I just want to protect them and be able to guide them and discipline them.  I don't want them to be dependent on thier parents or other people.  I dont want to baby them.  Their grandma lets them do whatever they want and it's very hard everytime they come back to me after a long weekend at dad's.  I'm begining to ramble. I'm sorry. I'm not a selfish mother and I my intentions are not to take full custody out of spite. I just want him to realize the responsibilities of a real father and that instilling rules and structure in our kids is a lot more beneficial than taking them to disneyland right now... I love my children so much, and i want them to know how to live life when they are older.

      1. KCC Big Country profile image86
        KCC Big Countryposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        I do agree that structure, stability and a positive daily environment far outweigh trips to Disneyland. 

        One of you should be the custodial parent and from your postings it's hard for me to tell which one is which.  Who are the kids supposed to live with and who gets the visitation rights?

        1. Jluvies profile image60
          Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          I am the custodial parent and we have 50/50 legal rights. We agreed that mon and tues are his days, wed and thurs are mine. then every other weekend. I'm sure it does have a toll on them, but they seem not to be too bothered by it.  We have always been on the go and traveling and visiting, so they like to be busy.  My boyfriend, bless his heart, is amazing and lets me use his car a lot. I'm attempting to pay off some loans before i can get a car again.  Recently the kids and I were in a car accident and rolled my yukon denali.  Completely totaling it. No injuries, thank God.  But the insurance company did not pay off my loan.  My debt isn't too high, but with no income it's hard to dent.  My ex has begun to rely on my new boyfriend though, asking can't **** pick them up.  Can't you use his car?  Where's ***? --- These are the responses I get when I ask him for a ride, which is not THAT often.  I bust my butt getting us rides, taking the bus, borrowing cars.  Or he'll say their own grandparents wont even give them a ride. What kind of parents do you have?  At first he would make me feel really bad and I thought my parents were mean, but they do not want to relieve, us, "the parents" of our responsibilities over and over again. Which I understand. It's just that he uses his mom like a maid and tells her what to do, doesn't ask.  She will never stop and I guess you can look at that as either good or bad. I'm not really sure about that.  Her and I still get along quite well, but I'm starting to feel the animosity building up because since they are a family owned business, the child support office is calling them to garnish his wages. So I believe they are going to start paying him under the table. Probably already are. AND the nerve of her... she asked me to drop the child support case because it was hard on her son. I couldn't believe it... First of all I told her, he never wants to compromise, he refuses to help me, and he's the one who surprised me by getting a lawyer and his false accusations causing all this on himself.  I would have agreed to a less amount and no lawyers, but he tried to be sneaky and lost big. So that's also why he's a bit bitter. Anyways, I'm so sorry to keep rambling on like this, but I haven't been able just to vent this out via writing, and because I'm actually sharing it with some one, it gives it a little more purpose.  Thank you again.  The more I type things out, the more I focus. Which is one of my biggest problems.  But I'm writing, I'm reading, I'm editing, reading again, and then writing more.  It helps for me to remember these things I'm upset about and hopefuly next time I'm about to be mr. nice guy, all the things his put me thru might pop up.  I'm done giving chances.  I'm gonna man up and let him know he will no longer control my life. I must end it.

  11. alternate poet profile image67
    alternate poetposted 13 years ago

    I also find some of the comments in this thread unnecessarily offensive.  The OP clearly is asking for advice on how to approach a really difficult problem, and maybe looking for some kind of group hug.

    The actual problem would appear to me be that people often do not read what is written - they see what they think is there.  This is common in the religious and political threads where agenda comes before thought.

    The urge to speak before understanding the message comes when we think we are more important than everything else - which makes makes for BS.

    1. Jluvies profile image60
      Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Very well put.... Thank you for your comment.

  12. Lisa HW profile image62
    Lisa HWposted 13 years ago

    I don't know if these are good suggestions or not, but if I think of what I'd do, I'd try something like this:

    I don't know if this would work in your state, or work for you; but one thing you may want to try is to call the court clerk's office (and if the courts are a string of courts within one country, call the "main" court for that county). 

    Ask if there's a form you can fill out for "indigence" or "indigency" (I'm not sure which) if you can't afford filing fees.  There either is one or isn't one.  I don't know which filing fees this form "covers" (at least in my state), but I've heard that one does exist.  (Of course, if you're "deemed" as being able to afford any fees you'll be expected to pay.)  (I don't even know if there would be a fee for a complaint for modification.  That's something you can ask someone at the clerk's office.  Usually, they'll give you basic information on the phone; and then you'll have to go in in person to actually file what you have to.

    If there is one, get the form; and ask someone at the clerk's office if filing a "complaint for modification" is something you can do yourself.  If they tell  you it is, look for a resource that answers legal questions (or else call an attorney who would give a brief consultation at no charge) and ask if filing this by yourself is something a legal person would advice you to do (OR NOT DO).    If you file it yourself when it gets to court you'd have a chance to tell a magistrate or judge what the issues are. 

    What to ask someone, too, is whether, if it becomes clear that you need an attorney and your ex-husband has one; whether one might be appointed.

    Before you try any of that, though, you may want to write to him (copies to any lawyers who have ever been involved with the custody thing) and outline your complaints, request he address them (and do what he's supposed to do), and your plans to go for full custody if he doesn't.  There's the chance his lawyer (or someone else) will tell him to "shape up" and pay up; and point out to him that if he's in violation of a court order he's going to run into problems.

    Based on what I know about how courts "think" the issues that would be considered "legitimate" would be the paying part and whether or not he's keeping to the visitation schedule.  Some things parents do are things they'll say they "can't get into".   

    One thing you need to be very careful about is not trying to look like you're trying to interfere with his relationship with the children.  If you do, that would give him reason to try to go for full custody from you.  This is why, ideally, you should either ask a legal agency/hotline/lawyer for advice; and ask about any assistance with legal matters in your area. 

    Chances are if you just make an issue of the money and schedule, there wouldn't be as much reason for anyone to say you're trying to get in the way of his relationship with the children.  It's apparently already a court-ordered thing.  In fact, there's the chance the court/System may go after him if it's discovered he's not paying up.  That's something else to ask at the court clerk's office.  That way, The System - not you - would be the "bad guy".

    1. Jluvies profile image60
      Jluviesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you so much for your advice and suggestions. They are indeed helpful.  Let me make it clear that I am not trying to get between him and the kids. I want them to always love him.  I just want what's right. My only intentions are to make sure that my children are given every chance to become respectful, responsible, positive thinking adults.  And to be surrounded by adults that can reflect this.

      Thanks again.  You are a wonderful writer, full of so much knowledge and advice.. I'm priviliged to be able to attain so much through HubPages. Great site!

  13. salt profile image60
    saltposted 13 years ago

    Ive been going through some experiences here, we have been seperated under one roof and he is currently in hospital. His family is legal, so when we argue, he automatically becomes defensive or plays out to try and create the worst possible case scenario... or he used to. Now, he seems to be less that way, yet that type of anger is usually fear. Who left who and why. Is he upset at not getting enough time with his children and then playing it out revengefully. Does he have friends or a lawyer in his ear saying this or that.

    My fathers cousin, a lawyer said his children would only speak to him when they wanted money, so he didnt give us any. We didnt respect a man who wouldnt care about his childrens wellbeing, so we didnt talk to him. Funny how it works out.

    And, I have learnt from this one, there are men who can play out just because thats what they think is happening. It can take ages to get things worked out. Some of it can be dna. Anscestoral, the thoughts or beliefs of generations before them. So, if you do get on with any of his family or friends, talk to them. Ask what hes thinking and see if you can work it out without excessive legal fees. My parents divorce cost them their house and home. Your divorce could be paying a lawyers childrens private school fees.

    So, I would suggest, take a deep breath, talk to someone who can guide you and really talk if there is someone you trust. Work out a solution that works for all. You might be lucky to find a mutual friend who could mediate.

    If its survival though, I can understand you have to build up the strength to take the steps you need to make sure your children get fed, clothed and schooled. I wish you the best on every level and wish healing for the situation.

    1. salt profile image60
      saltposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      one final note, watch in your and his reactions to things, religious emotions, like lust, envy, greed and revenge. Sometimes these relationship matters play out like some scene from some sort of biblical i told you so movie.

      If there is any way to slow things down and  just say, hey, is there some way we can work this out... as in the long run, it is the children who have to survive and Im still going through things to do with my parents stuff.

  14. CYBERSUPE profile image60
    CYBERSUPEposted 13 years ago

    Pray for guidence and have faith that all will work out. Asking for help is in no way a disgrace and you will be rewarded with a ton of legal help. Hve faith in God. God Bless !

  15. JayneKopp profile image59
    JayneKoppposted 13 years ago

    Probably the best thing you can do is first of all, try to be the best mom you can be.  I know it is very difficult when you are heartbroken.  When you spend time with your children, just try to focus on having fun, going to the park or playing simple games at home.  Never say anything negative about your ex. 

    Secondly, seek out free legal advice.  Usually there are ways you can find this available to low income people.  If you have difficulty finding assistance, I would suggest calling a few local lawyers or councellors in your area and perhaps they can point you in the right direction.

    Try not to let this difficult time run you down and dominate your every thought... and again, I do know how terribly difficult it is... but always try to remember there is more to life and it goes way too quickly.  Try to live in the 'now' and appreciate the fact that you were blessed with your beautiful kids and just be thankful for the simple things. 

    Be strong.

  16. the clean life profile image71
    the clean lifeposted 13 years ago

    Stand up to your Ex and you may have to go back to court and let the judge again make it plan and simply to your Ex that her is indeed responable for your childredn whether being with them or not.  He is still the father even if he is not with them. He has to think of the childred to and also you. Good luck to you and I hope eveything works out for you and your children.

  17. Mighty Mom profile image77
    Mighty Momposted 13 years ago

    I see the initial post on this was 2 months ago. Curious to find out what you have been able to do since then? Have you gone back to court?
    I read through most of this thread.
    And I totally understand how frustrating and discouraging it is to have a legal agreement and the other person not honoring it. Especially since it involves child support money that is OWED to you and that you NEED.

    There are a lot of questions unanswered and raised through what you say and don't say.
    Why did obtain you full physical custody,not 50/50 with your ex? Why do you have 50/50 legal custody?
    Are you SURE your mediation was filed with the courts? Hate to say this, but since I found this out the hard way, if it was not, the mediation is not worth the paper it's printed on!

    Your ex is not the first deadbeat dad to refuse to pay. Luckily, there are ways to MAKE him pay.
    Besides all the excellent advice here on HP, I bet there are lots of websites that can give you in-depth ideas.
    I personally would not recommend dealing with any court without a lawyer. Family law attorneys typically don't work this way,but... maybe you can find someone to take your case on a contingency basis, meaning the get paid when you get paid by your ex. You may also get a judge to find on your behalf and have your ex pay YOUR attorney's fees.

    My final suggestion is this. And this is definitely from my own, hard experience. Children are not property. Try not to treat them like they're "yours" or "his." They are both of yours. Unfortunately, you don't get to say how he parents them when you're not around. Any more than he gets to tell you how to parent them. If he thinks taking them to Disneyland is going to make them love him more, he is sadly naive. Kids are smart. They know what's up.
    But... the more you and your ex play tug-of-war, the worse it is on the kids. The more the will feel torn. Even if you flat out disagree with something Daddy is doing, including withholding money, please resist the urge to discuss it in front of the kids.

    Ok. Nuff lecturing from me. I hope things turn around for you!

  18. qeyler profile image63
    qeylerposted 13 years ago

    There are many legal aid clinics.  Whether they are run by a gov. agency or a private one, a church, a woman's group, whatever. You need to find them.  You have a strong case.

  19. drfurr profile image61
    drfurrposted 13 years ago

    If what you say is true, and he agreed in writing to what you said, he is in Contempt of Court. You just need to go to the court house and fill out a form. It may take awhile but they will get him. While you are there, there is almost always a free legal clinic for those that cannot pay. Get there early as you can, they are busy.


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