My 15 y/o daughter has a Facebook account as many people do. A long time ago, we put each other as friends. I have never really seen anything too disturbing on her page except i saw her write S**t, F***in up, and WTF, LMFAO and such. I didn't like it but I never said anything.
Now, this male friend of hers had written something on her wall that I find inappropriate. I am going to say something to her but before I do, I was thinking about replying to that post with just a frown "" so they know I saw it and I was going to send a polite private message to him expressing that it is not a good thing to do and please not do that. Then I will tell her what I think.
What do you think of that approach?
Do you have any other advice about this?
Here is what was written to her wall.
"I speak for all the real niggas when I say theres no such thing as a pussy replacement, pussy is at the top of the list but head is important too, see pussy is like a oven in the kitchen, its the best shit ever, you can put a ham in it n some biscuits n some vegetables and in an hour n 35mins you will have a home cooked meal, but head is a like microwave, sometime a nigga aint got an hour n 35min to be fuckin with your ass, sometime a nigga need a hot packet right now bitch.justbing.thank you30second bing thank you !"
The photo is of the guy that wrote it.
If it was my daughter I believe my reaction would be something completely different than what you plan. Yours is probably the best course, mine would result in an episode of Americas Most Wanted.
I would send the post to the principal of his school. That would expose his foolishness and perhaps bring his parents to school. If he has any~ Then I would have a long talk with my daughter about how she has to demand respect if she wants it. You also have to show her a good example by how you talk about and treat woman yourself.
I like your approach probably the best. And I do give this sort of thing much thought on "How to react" because those days are headed my way, I am sure (daughter is eight) I admire your approach. Gripper2 yu are just much more tame than I woud be, but then again, what do we do?
This is why any kind of spying on our kids is to be avoided. If this is part of her 'crowd', albeit on the fringes, then it is for her to deal with it in her own way - just as we dealt with life in our own ways.
Get used to the idea that someone is going to be in bed with your daughter at some time and put your pistol back in your trousers and deal with it with a bit more maturity.
HAHA. Well, there is no need for comments that are designed to just irritate someone.
Your 1st paragraph is appreciated. Your second paragraph is lacking the maturity that you recommended for me.
The second paragraph may be a bit too graphic, but it is at the root of the issue - the problem is mostly in the eye of the beholder, yours, not with the guy in question, whose picture you included because he is a black guy ?
I will readily admit that I may have been a bit abrasive with that comment I think I was a little irritated by the reply of the next post.
No, I actually didn't even consider the fact that he is black. I posted it because he doesn't look school age to me.
Not everything can be labeled as a racist action.
If it makes any sort of difference, my daughter is 1/2 black.
Did I irritate you? Let me tell you how sorry I am.....
Sounds to me like he is trying to talk her into giving him head instead of sex all the time.
I would most definitely speak to my daughter about it. I would also make it known to him that I do not like it and will not tolerate it.
How forcefully you go about that is your choice. but I would not ignore it and leave it to settle itself.
As for his age... he looks about 17 to 19.
Although I am very certain that my daughter is not nor has had sex TM, it sounds like he is putting it out there to gague her response.
I agree with you, though, that something must be said. I mean, what is the difference if I saw it written on her wall as opposed to if he had said that while sitting in my livingroom?
Either way, it is disrespectful and not proper.
And this is an inappropriate way to handle it.
Putting his photo up is totally wrong!
That photo is public property if it vcame from the net. May not be the way I would've went, but it is not a bad thing.
Good morning, E.
Good morning TM, it is evening here, and I still reckon it's wrong to put the young man's photo up here. This is a forum not a courthouse, none of us know why she has such a friend or how she speaks to them even.
Earnest, I chose to put up his photo for the reason I stated above.
Of course, you are entitled to your opinion, but my question had nothing to do with his photo. If it bothers you that much, open a new discussion about some jerk that put up someone's photo and how much you disapprove.
I think I would handle it privately. It's between you and your daughter.
To post his words and pic is invasive if you ask me, which you did.
I probably wouldn't let my 15 year old on FB.
EDIT: as far as advice, you're her father. Have you set boundaries for her time and activity on FB? Does she have her profile set to private? Or is it open to the public?
I have mixed feelings about how to respond to her, because in one sense, her profile is her profile, it's her little space. Do you listen to her conversations on the phone, when she has friends over? On the other side, as a mother, I would not be very happy that my daughter wouldn't have deleted such a comment.
Still Rebekah, it was he that originally posted them, I merely reposted them.
I do have a question that strays way off topic:
What does that number in the lower right hand corner of our profile image mean?
You a 99, me a 16.
oh, that's our hubber score. It doesn't appear that you're very active here, so your score is 16. Do you plan on publishing hubs?
Talk to your daughter frankly, open and honest. Let her know how you feel. But if you're going to allow her on FB, I would set some boundaries or she loses her FB privileges.
That is my basic plan is to talk to her and tell her that it is something I don't like and that she should keep her friends in check. When I ask her about it, I would be kind of surprised if she didn't send him a private message suggesting he not put stuff like that on her wall because her daddy may see it.
I am not really sure what a hub is Rebekah. I thought it was like what we were doing here.
What is a an example of a basic hub?
Do you think your daughter is mature enough to be on a social networking site at all?
My goodness some parents are so clueless or afraid to step up and say 'No'
This guy probably represents many hundreds of thousands of young guys.
If you would let her visit a niteclub,then I would say you think she is old enough.
Rebecca has posted some good advice.
I do think she is mature enough to be on a social networking site.
Clueless huh? For allowing her to access a social network site?
We could almost have been holding this same discussion about 50 years ago but, delete the "Social Networking" phrase and insert, "Rock and Roll".
Someone once said Rock and Roll is here to stay.
Well, Social Networking is................ well you get my point.
Ohhh. I have a little secret to tell but keep it from the others ok?
You are on to me, I not only let my daughter visit niteclubs but I damand it and I force her to drink at least 4 mixed drinks, 2 shots of Tequilla and a 40 oz. beer with me. It's ok though I don't drink and drive. I make her do it.
No need to go back 50 yrs-I didnt.
Actually some of my thoughts were based on a advice from Police,and I quote ,unquote.
Think of the Internet as a place, it is unsupervised ,it is open 24/7.
If you wouldn't let your kid go to a bar,dont let them check into the world wide web(unsupervised).
Seriously youre a guy ,so you already know how the birds and the bees work.
Get smart dad, she don't need you to be her friend ,she needs you to be her parent.
P.S I just think its very naive to blame the guy ,when its YOUR daughter he's posting too?
I think you should handle this a bit more seriously then thinking of replying it with a frown. Did you have any discussion with your spouse about this issue? Did you and your spouse have an agreement to talk to your daughter? To be a parent you have to be on top of their head and take things like this very seriously and have a family conference about it! Tell your daughter how you feel and let her be aware of it. I would seriously take action and talk to her about it. Give her two choice, to delete that post and no more communication with that guy or close FB account till she able to handle FB appropriately.
The frown was only to show my presence right there with that post, put there so her friends understand that I am present. That was never going to be the only action.
I am taking this seriously otherwise I would have never asked for some other views on this issue.
I don't think I will go so far as to demand she never communicate with him. People do things they shouldn't all the time and I only ask that she not allow people to post things like that to her wall. If he were to do it again then yes, I would ask that they not communicate. That would be nearly impossible to enforce without putting her in quarantine.
I have not discussed this with my spouse as I do not have one. The fact that she and I live alone makes issues such as these difficult to know what to do. At times, I'm sure I overreact. other times, I may not had given an issue its due attention. I really couldn't tell you.
What I do know is that she is very well behaved, 3.75 gpa, respectful, extremely popular, active in school and on and on. That doesn't mean I don't make mistakes here and there though and that is why I asked for opinions.
The guy is probably repackaging rap lyrics and trying to sound like a big shot to impress her with his "sexual maturity" or to impress onlookers. How you handle it depends entirely on how you have raised your daughter and how open you have been with her up to this point.
If you have talked to her honestly all along and she understands human sexuality and the nature of teenage boys (and 20-somethings that are still struggling lol), then you should trust her to exist in her world. You can't follow her around all day and "protect" her from dipsh!tz like that, so suddenly being the parenting hero to the rescue on Facebook is only fooling yourself and providing you an opportunity to fight with her.
If, on the other hand, you haven't been open with her and she has no clue how to tell the difference between a douche, a poser, and a nice kid trying to act like a douche so people think he's cool, then I suppose now is a good time to start.
Shade, what makes you think that about the rap lyrics?
I ask because that thought had occurred to me too.
If he was quoting lyrics, I would feel slightly better. VERY SLIGHTLY, though.
Even if they were lyrics that he was using, to have chosen those words out of the thousands and thousands gives me nearly the same feeling as if he had said them himself.
Overall, I agree with you on most counts.
Well, just that it's sort of overwrought, like something you'd hear in rap lyrics or a comedy sketch or something.
LOL....well, he is accredited with that lovely microwave/oven analogy.
Yeah, I can see him saying that. He's hilarious. His delivery is what really makes him so funny. He really commits. Never heard him rap, but then, I'm not a big fan of rap, so I have missed most of it. I will say, that some that I have heard is fantastically well written, clever and insightful. Just not typically.
I don't see anything wrong with you posting the comments by that idiot, or showing his face. You said it yourself. The girl is 15. If this type of dialogue is typical, then you might take her to the doctor and discuss birth control, if you haven't already.
If it was my daughter, I'd talk to her. Not the boy, unless I knew hiim well enough. If I knew his family, I'd address his behavior with his parents. But, I wouldn't pretend that I was not aware of what happened. She allowed you to have access to her face book account by friending you. Teenagers push the limits. It is up to parents to try to hold a line while they are growing up. It's part of the game. They know it and you know it. Turning a blind eye to this sounds to me as if it wouldn't be sending the message you want to send.
My daughter will be 19 in a few months. As her mother (since many of you do not know KCC is a female... ), I have always felt it was important to teach my daughter what is acceptable behavior from the people she chooses to associate with.
I feel that if you have instilled your personal values into the upbringing of your daughter she will already be as offended as you are. However, it's doubtful that she will feel as strongly about removing the comment from her FB page. Kids today aren't as quick to censor things they don't like. They'd rather leave them there for the world to judge for themselves. Let others see how stupid he makes himself sound.
If it were me, I would use the opportunity to open a conversation with my daughter. However, I do think you have to be careful how you approach it. Appearing to spy on her will not make her happy usually. Knowing you're looking out for her might. It's a fine line though. I would certainly come across as light-hearted and say something like, "Oh my, I just happened to see what (insert name) posted on your FB. He's got quite a mouth and opinion on sex". Then depending on her reaction you'll know how to proceed from there.
Like others before me, I don't see the point in posting his photo.
I agree KCC. My kids are all 18-21 and their generation has learned from the dumbasses in my generation (and my parents') that pretending something doesn't exist (the primary function of the PC movement) not only doesn't make it go away, it allows it to flourish. They aren't sensitive about words in the ridiculous spasm-inducing way that so many people I know are, and they are much better equipped to live in a real world, at least socially. Now, if we're talking work-ethic, well, that's another forum thread. lol
I am sure I would have freaked after seeing that! My daughters are younger but I can only imagine what I would have thought! You do have to be careful how you approach this. I know when I was a teenager, if my parents would have approached me calmly but with concern and sat me down and discussed it, I would have had an easier time listening. If they freaked and got mad about it from the beginning, I probably would have wanted to talk to the guy more just because Mom and Dad upset me. It would have been an "oh yeah, I will show you" kind of thing. All teenagers are different tho. You should talk with her when you can take a few breathes and be calm about it. Do be stern but try to be calm. Show her you respect her feelings but be stern with your concern about her safety. Let her know that a guy who says that has absolutely no respect for her. It is easier for me to say that now but if I was in the same situation it would be quite difficult for me to stay calm.
I understand what you are saying Dawn. I discovered this Friday night so I'm not as uptight about it as I was. It is difficult sorting through so much advice but, of course, I already had an idea of how I should approach this and I am pretty sure I have settled on what it will be.
There are several ways of handling it though.
There's what is best, what will work, what is popular, what is wrong, what I should do, what I'd like to do and what I will do. HAHA!
I think what would bother me the most (not that I would want my 15 year old daughter having sex) would be the way he disrespected women and I wouldn't want my daughter to get a low image of women. I read KCC's comment that it is lyrics which to me is still hard to get passed, but it does make a difference for me.
Shadesbreath's comment about the possibility of his comment being rapper lyrics is what made me Google the comment. I found that the comment is attributed to Katt Williams, a comedian and rapper. I'm assuming it's from his comedy act, but it could be incorporated into a song, I don't know.
I do agree with you, that regardless of the origin of the words, this kid posted them on your daughter's FB page and as a parent most of us seem to be concerned about how this kid is being influenced by this comment and how it affects his relationships and how that spills over into his relationship with your daughter.
I know how my daughter would react. She would say "oh gosh...he's just quoting Katt Williams and it doesn't mean anything". Perhaps it doesn't. Kids often repeat things they think will get them laughs or attention and never really stop to think about what it means. He may not even realize how degrading that comment is to women. Your daughter may not have even thought about it.
I do think it opens up an opportunity for you to have that talk where you again tell her how she deserves the best and never ever needs to settle for someone who would treat her with disrespect and how comments like that are disrespectful.
As our kids mature, they will begin to see (if she hasn't already) that comments like that just don't feel right. Even if they seem funny at first, once you think about all of the implications you just don't feel right hearing them. That will become her barometer for determining if someone is worth her time or not.
wow, this is really serious. Face book is suppose to be a friendly place where you meet up with friends and family. It is getting to be such drama and scarey experience. I would say something to both of them. I know teenagers want to sound cool and fit in and all. But I would be really upset and wanting to hunt someone down. I would let them both know that is not a good thing and needs to stop. This friend would be deleted fast. Good luck, keep us posted
I Googled it......
http://www.searchquotes.com/quotation/I … t_/246058/
Ha ha ha.......and who is Katt Williams? Comedian and rapper
So, it was lyrics that he was quoting?
You know in a reply to his post, she did mention that name. I thought they had a mutual friend named Katt.
It really doessn't matter though, he could have chosen lyrics from a John Denver song but he didn't.
I think it was just part of Katt's stand-up comedian act. According to that site it is a Katt quote. So, this kid just probably thinks it's funny and would appear cool for posting it. It could be as harmless as that.
John Denver.....lol......would you have preferred, "Take me home country road"?
Well, again, he chose to quote something inappropriate but, his intentions are important I guess. However, it is not my duty to seek out his intentions. We have to understand that you must consider what the parent would think if they were to see or hear something like that.
Hopefully, she will pass that on to him and hopefully, he will understand.
KC, I chose John Denver as the upper limit of what I want her to hear. My preferred range would be like The Wiggles or Chipmunks or even The Brady Bunch theme song. lol.
Of course, that would make my theme song, Rose Colored Glasses wouldn't it? )
I'm pretty sure if I saw that I'd do two things, 1) send the boy a dictionary and a grammar work book, and 2) my head would explode just after asking my daughter to please never see this boy again lest I murder him
I'd give her two options:
1. delete him and block him from FB (and if she is seeing/hanging with him that she stop)
2. I delete her facebook account completely.
I'd give her these options after I sat her down and discussed how a lady "should" be treated and how very inappropriate his comments were and how lucky he is that he never comes around my house (esp if he is over 18)
LOL.....I cringed as I read that. You are going to have a tough few years ahead of you then if you're not quite ready to start recognizing that she's forging ahead into adulthood. Chances are many of her classmates are already sexually active, with many of them already having children. The days of Barbies and cartoons are long behind them.
As someone earlier said, if you haven't already, you sure need to consider birth control. I know you mentioned that you don't have a spouse, so I'm not sure how much access your daughter has to an adult female she can confide in.
It sounds like she has a caring adult male to confide in, or is that not adequate?
It is usually easier for a girl to talk about these matters (sex and birth control) with another female. It's not impossible to talk to very caring dad, but can be awkward.
The discussion would probably be awkward with any adult. I just think its a little sexist to think her father isn't good enough to have the conversation with, I'm sure that is not what you meant but it sounded a little bad.
It wasn't my intention to imply he wasn't adequate. It was my intention to suggest he find an adult female to assist him with something HE might find awkward since he already feels awkward in dealing with how to talk to her about the FB comment.
I don't think he feels awkward I think he was just looking for affirmation. I could be wrong I didn't read every post.
Right you are, Repairguy. You nailed it right on the head. Thank you.
Maybe everyone should reread my original post. Show me where I had expressed any doubt about approaching my daughter. I didn't even say what my strategy is regarding her.
I wrote, "I am going to say something to her but before I do..."
This discussion was based upon if I should confront the young man that submitted the post to her wall.
I wrote, "...I was thinking about replying to that post with just a frown "" so they know I saw it and I was going to send a polite private message to him expressing that it is not a good thing to do and please not do that."
I understand that most of you are going off what little information you have, even if some didn't read it in the context it was intended, but try to understand yourselves that the way things are here is much deeper than a single paragraph.
Is it possible that Repairguy is correct?
It is not just possible, it is a fact. He is correct.
My dad had no spouse(when Mum died) and raised four daughters alone!
That never stopped him talking to us about menstruation boys,dating and sex.
(We hated it at that age,like we hated rules,zits and chores) BUT like he said
Better we hear it from him ,than another guy who had alterior motives
Teen girls never think their dads are right,but they will love you -in the end.
Be direct ,make sense, and be brief.
I read every post from the beginning as I do with any forum thread I respond to. It was my opinion that you appeared to feel awkward based on my interpretation of the entire thread. If you don't feel awkward...awesome.
I really didn't want to post a reply for fear of an uproar, but I ensure you that I have no intention to offend. This is simply my response to your question asked.
Firstly, it's confusing that while your daughter's language seems not that much different from this boy SHE considers a "friend" (hmm .. the tune of "birds of a feather, flock together" seem to be jingling in my head right now), that you have made her friend - not her - the target of your indignation. I find it ironic that you posted his picture, but not that of your daughter.
Secondly, perhaps your frustration with this situation is not necessarily the adult conversation held between the two youngsters, but more along the line of why on earth is your daughter socializing with such a creep? Although it may be very difficult to accept any contribution here (since science proves that children's interaction with the world is indeed strictly based on their parents' interaction with them - a strong positive correlation), but it's better to deal directly with the raw underlying issues at hand: Who really is your daughter? Why has she chosen to keep such company? Does she speak in such derogatory manners as well with her friends in her private life? Have you, as her father, trained or guided her well in appropriate social conduct, as well as, in the company she should keep? Again, birds of a feather really do flock together - in public or in private. How successful you are in dealing with this situation depends on how strong/effective/influential your daughter's relationships are within HER world: the relationship between 'you and your daughter' versus the relationship between 'your daughter and her friend(s)'.
I understand completely that it is your daughter, so these circumstances are of a sensitive nature. However, as a parent, your OBLIGATION to your child (who is yet still dependent on you for subsistence) is to instruct that child in manners and conduct that are socially acceptable and appropriate in preparation for an honorable adult life. Leave this training of her "friend" to that of his parents (or the law)! Perhaps (and if possible) you should reach out to his parents directly through your daughter to inform them of his comment. This can turn out to be a very good lesson learned for that young man!
Yet still, if it was my daughter, I wouldn't take my frustrations out with the company that she choses to keep. I would take my frustration out directly with her (in accordance with the well-known standards of my home, which is MY responsibility) - it would be the last time she Laughed Her F'n A's Off on facebook for a very long time!!!
I agree with eaglekiwi and rebekah by the way...
Good Luck to you.
I would just monitor the comments. I always want to hit that darn comment button when I see something I don't approve of, but I don't. It's her own little world on Facebook, as others have mentioned, but you're part of that world. If the comment bothers you so, I think you should be able to ask her directly, without the world involved, and letting her friends know her momma's watching.
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