Should I write about the abuse?

1. 71

   mommyneal6posted 12 years ago

   Now I have a tricky situtation I am in. I would like to write a hub about domestic violence, but I am not sure what my dad will think. I grew up in a household that my dad beat on my mom both mentally and physically. I love my mom to pieces and would hope that writting a hub about what went on would maybe give another person the strength to get help. My relationshp with my dad is tricky, I love him and we have an OK relationship but it's not the greatest. My mom gave me the go ahead and even was great enough to answer about 6 pages of questions that I had for her on the topic. Since my father was the abuser, should I worry about writting the hub even though it will probably cause more friction between him and I. I almost don't care what he thinks, but part of me somewhere does. What do you guys think? Should I write it anyways or not?

   replyreport
   1. 62

      aallard23posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Hi mommyneal6
      I think you should write about it. Not only will you let your feelings out but you definitely help someone who might be in a domestic abuse situation. Good luck.

      replyreport
      1. 71

         mommyneal6posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks for your input!

         replyreport
   2. 61

      Donna Suthardposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I have written a couple, and like you, I was concerned, in protecting the people involved.. I changed the names in one of my hubs... listen to your own intuition about this...Your a wonderful person, for considering your family's feelings!

      replyreport
      1. 71

         mommyneal6posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you very much! I think I will...

         replyreport
   3. 60

      deblippposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      If he's abusive, then I'm not sure you owe him any protective covering.

      replyreport
2. 61

   Disturbiaposted 12 years ago

   Does your mom still live with your dad?  Would writing this hub endanger her or yourself or any other family member in anyway?  I would say that if he poses no threat to anyone then by all means write it, but if it's going to enflame him and possibly make him retaliate or hurt or abuse anyone, than I wouldn't write it. Perhaps you could write it in a less personal and more general way.  There is also something else you might consider which is talking to your dad about it and getting his side of the story, if that's possible.  I've been in abusive relationships and sometimes the abuser isn't even aware what they are doing is abusive, or would be considered abusive, especially verbal and mental abusers.  One of my ex-husbands came from a very large family where everyone fought with everyone else all the time.  There were physical fights as well as almost constant yelling, name calling, and all kinds of things that just horrified me, but to him, this was just he way his family related and he didn't see anything wrong with a good  "smack-upside-the-head" if somebody needed it.  I left him after he picked up our infant daughter and threw her across the room because she wouldn't stop crying.

   replyreport
   1. 71

      mommyneal6posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      My parents are separated and have been for 10 years. They live in two different houses. Fortunately he poses no threat to her anymore.

      replyreport
3. 62

   Lisa HWposted 12 years ago

   There a few things I think anyone considering writing something like ought to consider:
   
   1.  Is there reason to worry about your mother's safety now, and is he the type who, if one person does something to set him off, will take it out (or try to take it out) on your mother? 
   
   2.  Is there any chance the only reason you feel safe enough to write about him is that you haven't yet incurred his "wrath" as a grown-up woman?  Some people who batter their wives don't batter the children while they're little - but once they grow up and exercise a little "voice" some grown kids (especially, maybe, daughters) might be at similar risk as their mother was.
   
   3.  Is there any chance some relatives of your father's might try to make trouble for you, or try to sue you; if they find out you have such a Hub posted (and it's under a name/face that people who know you, him, your mother, etc. would recognize)?
   
   4.  Is your relationship at least the kind, now, that you could say something like, "Hey, Dad.  I'd like to write something public about how you abused Mom for all those years.  Now that all that is over, would mind if I do that?"
   
   If your motivation is to try to help other people with your Hub, you could write that under a completely different name and picture - and you shouldn't have a problem.  If your motivation is also that you feel like you need to get your own thoughts, observations, into words; so you can sort out some of your ambivalent feelings (that show up in your thread) in writing, writing under an un-recognizable name/image would do some of that for you too.
   
   People who have lived with, been exposed to, or dealt with abusers often feel as if the whole thing has been underestimated, swept under the rug, filed under "ancient history", glossed over, or otherwise been left "up in the air" and without having the degree of it, impact of it, or full reality of acknowledged to them by someone else.  In other words, they live with whatever they've lived with without ever feeling as if at least one other person knows exactly what happened and how bad it was, or what they had to live with.
   
   Since they can't get that "from someone in the world", the next best thing can seem to be to write about it; and get it "out in the world", rather than let it remain something that only they, the person who went through it, has in his own memory, thoughts, etc.
   
   Sometimes, though, writing isn't really the answer; because it just ends up being "more screaming to the world" about what happened, and yet more not getting anything back from the world that helps the victim feel if what's coming back from the world matches what he knows, himself.  The point is, I think what's victims (and their grown kids) need is having that reality with which they lived appropriately, and fully, acknowledged; and having their own experiences "validated" by "the world" (sometimes in the form of seeing some justice, sometimes in the right words from the right person - and those "right words" are about "supportive words"; they're about words that let the victim know that someone else "gets it").
   
   You didn't ask for this little piece of unsolicited thought, but your thread kind of gives off hints that there's something still eating away at you, and something you still need from/in this world.  If that's the case, I hope you can get whatever it is.
   
   Disturbia's post gets my "vote" (as far as "sound advice" goes) on here.

   replyreport
   1. 71

      mommyneal6posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you very much! My dad poses no threat to anyone in my family anymore nor does his family. The worst that would happen with me writing it, would be my dad might get pissed off at me for a little bit. I have tried talking to my dad about the situation and he doesn't really want to talk about it. Either that or he just denies it. He is also an alcoholic, so he doesn't remember a lot if stuff. Since my parents separated things have gotten much better, it's almost like it's a thing of the past. Only we all still feel the effects. Thanks for the advice.

      replyreport
      1. 61

         Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Your dad probably doesn't want to talk about it because he feels a certain amout of guilt or shame.  Maybe the past is where you should leave this, but you sound like you need some sort of closure for yourself. Go with your gut feeling and do what you think is best and right. If this story needs to be told, you will eventually find a way to tell it no matter what anybody else advises.

         replyreport
      2. 62

         Lisa HWposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Good luck with writing it if you decide to go ahead with it.  My own exposure to the subject of abuse (emotional/psychological - certainly not physical) is different from yours, and it certainly didn't involve my parents at all.  Still, having had some first-hand exposure to how people who have something they either didn't know they were doing, or something they want to forget, operate; the whole subject of abuse gets pretty sobering and ominous for me.

         replyreport