Broken dreams

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   Mercedes65posted 10 years ago

   My boyfriend is always getting my hopes up by saying misleading statements.  For example, saying we will do something and then puts it last on his list and poops out so he is too tired to follow through.  Yesterday, he said words to me that made it seem like he was coming over and then said he didn't specify a date.  Last Christmas, we were supposed to go shopping for my gift and we did everything else but that; he did shop and get my gift the next day.  It just seems like I'm no longer a priority on his list of things to do.  He has kids, which I understand, but now has no time for "us" when he used to have time...and he did make time.  What's up with that?
   
   This might sound selfish, but because of his situation, I only see him on weekends.  We used to be together (also with the kids) all weekend long.  Then his kids became disrespectful so I felt uncomfortable going to his house.  That didn't stop him from coming over (he is only 10 minutes away).  As a background, he is a widower.  Before I met him, his kids would disrespect him (running the house, not listening, calling him names, etc.).  After I told him to demand respect, he worked that out and now his kids are a little bit more respectful of him.  Now it seems that they're better so he is spending more time with him and less with me.  My request was not to have more time added to what we had, but not to take away the time we have.  His kids are 9, 15, and 16.  I met him when they were 7, 13, and 14.  The older ones were the ones with the respect problems. 
   
   In summary, time with him is getting less because his kids are better to him.  I feel that when we started dating, he needed someone or somewhere to get away from the kids because of so much disrespect.  Now that they're fine, he cannot seem to balance time for them and a relationship.  I now see him only a few hours on weekends, and maybe a couple on a weekday. 
   
   I need a neutral perspective on this.  Is it me? What do I do?  I am sick of feeling disappointed and missing him so much.

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   1. 81

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." - Oscar Wilde
      
      The beautiful thing about a door is it lets those who want in (in) and those who want out (out). No one is "stuck" with anyone. If someone is unhappy in a relationship and they (choose) to stay then (they) are choosing to be unhappy.
      
      If you want something different (you) have to do something different!
      
      Stop making this about him or even his kids. It's your life. Take the wheel!
      Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself.
      If something doesn't feel right to you then it's probably not right for you.
      Each of us gets to (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
      If you go to the grocery store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a better shopper!
      
      Awhile back I wrote a book titled: My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). It's about learning to approach relationships with complete awareness, having realistic expectations, and using self-empowerment techniques. Just as it is unrealistic to expect a cat to bark it also unrealistic to expect your mate to change. You're better off investing your time to find someone who (already is) the kind of person you want to be with.
      Best of luck!
      http://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Rel … 1468104721

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2. 95

   Marketing Meritposted 10 years ago

   The dynamic of your relationship appears to have changed. Ironically, you speak of the children being disrespectful but overlook the fact that your boyfriend is being disrespectful to you!
   
   Clearly, his role as a father must come first. However, that doesn't have to be at the exclusion of a new partner. The bottom line is, if he won't make time with you a priority in his life, then you should find someone who will.
   
   Stop always being available for him, as and when he wants. Keep busy, go out with your friends, take up new hobbies. You may also find some tips in my 'No Contact Rule' hub. If he breaks a date, make him wait longer for the next one. He needs to start respecting you and stop taking you for granted.

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3. 60

   JenniferPhersonposted 10 years ago

   If you two actually love each other, and you know he feels the same way, then I can shed some light on your situation. Imagine how hard it is to be a widower with three children? There is a chance their mom took the primary role of disciplin, so that's where the lack of respect comes in. It does sound familiar to me though, because I have suffered from clinical depression before. He genuinely wants to do these things and the idea sounds great, but he simply doesn't have the energy and is tired. Is he already in counseling or on medication? If not I would print out a depression survey and just ask him some of the questions to see what his answer is...then gently nudge that maybe he could benefit from seeing the doctor about his lack of energy...
   
   I wish you the best. It's very difficult to be left in a situation where all you can do is assume. Just remember the old saying about assuming things.

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4. 50

   Mercedes65posted 10 years ago

   Thank you all very much for your responses.  Dashingscorpio,& Marketing Merit, you're both right.  I spoke with him and told him that I no longer want to hurt anymore and I want out of the relationship.  We are no longer.
   
   Jennifer, last month, I did tell my boyfriend that I understand his situation with the kids and that I would respect his decision if he wants to focus on them.  I did the same with my son when he was still a juvenile.  I did tell him also that I didn't think he had time for a relationship (like going shopping without money).  Again, I met him when his kids were younger and he did spend ample time with me.  Lately, when he goes out with his friends, there is no hesitation nor limit to the time he stays out.  With me, he goes home very early. 
   
   Anyway, all that is in the past.  I knew this would hurt but I know that if I don't face the hurt, it will just fester.  Forward and onward I say.

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   1. 95

      Marketing Meritposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Genuinely sorry to hear that Mercedes65.  However, better to take control of the situation now than to look back in 10 years time thinking how much of your life you have wasted on a man who didn't deserve you.
      
      Take some time out to look after yourself and don't rush into another relationship.
      
      Best of luck

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5. 50

   Mercedes65posted 10 years ago

   To those who have taken the time to respond, thank you.  My boyfriend called me and said he was humbled by my action.  He missed me and asked to come back.  We spoke and I told him I had to do what I had to do because he didn't listen or wasn't giving me the ear to listen.  I hope this never happens again even if he says it won't (you know how people get - even me).  However, we are both willing to work things out - relationship and the children. I love him with all my heart.  Thank you and signing off this post.

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   1. 0

      Rad Manposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I'm a little confused. You seem to want a relationship with him without his children? It seems to me his children are a big part of his life and you should be apart of that. I think you should be over there making yourself available.
      
      Good luck.

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      1. 50

         Mercedes65posted 10 years agoin reply to this

         No, as a parent of one, I know that his kids should be first priority.  I wasn't asking more than what he had already given me; I just asked not to take away from the time.  Also, I didn't ask to be first priority, I asked nto to be last priority.  The reason why I wasn't there making myself available was that his two oldest were very disrespectful of me and thus, I was very uncomfortable being at his place.  I also have enough respect for myself to not want the disrespect.  Prior to the break up, I did tell my boyfriend that I could totally respect his decision if he wanted to spend time with the kids and didn't have time for the relationship; I could totally understand and would respect that.  He told me otherwise.  When we do things together, we usually bring the youngest.  The option is open to the other two - "do you want to come with us or not?"  They always opt not to.

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            Rad Manposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            Okay, I'm glad things are working out. So if the oldest two are 15 and 16 and kids typically can't move out until 25 or so, you've got another 10 years of a relationship where you hid from his kids. Does that seem right to you?

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            1. 50

               Mercedes65posted 10 years agoin reply to this

               No, 18 is the legal age for them to move out unless they are in college.

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                  Rad Manposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                  And what happens if they go to collage or don't move out? Why not get in there and make friends with them?

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6. 47

   sil2014posted 10 years ago

   Sometimes people get so wrapped up in their day to day lives they tend to lose focus of people around them and take people for granted. I am guilty of that myself. However, when people we are in relationships with bring their concerns to us, out of love we are obligated to listen. The need to listen and fix the problems being presented to us should come naturally. If he genuinely loves you, he will take your concerns seriously and MAKE time. Honestly, the “too busy” excuse people use is invalid. When you love someone genuinely, you cannot imagine a life without them and make sure you do what is necessary to keep them in your life. It works in all types of relationships; friendship, romantic, etc.
   
   Sounds like in your situation, you are a value add in his life by recommending ways to get his kids to show him respect. It is possible this new found relationship excites him and he may have been distracted and just lost focus. But speaking up is important. He should be able to love you and his kids concurrently. If you ever doubt (trust your instincts) his love for you, you should address it with him. If he genuinely cares for you, he will do what is in his power to make it work.

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