How do I stop feeling unattractive and stop fearing my fiance' will find someone

1. 82

   ii3rittlesposted 12 years ago

   How do I stop feeling unattractive and stop fearing my fiance' will find someone better?
   
   I have always had self-esteem issues. They aren't as bad as they use to be but they are bothering me again because my fiance is going to some concert thing (Rover's Morning Glory) and I know there will be women there drinking and wearing little clothing. I just keep thinking he will be drooling over them girls and if one happens to like him, he may leave me for her. He tells me all the time looks aren't everything and he loves me and he's attracted to me but I can't compete with drunk girls who are practically naked. He's a man. I don't dress that way or drink. I want to stop feeling this

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2. 66

   LucidDreamsposted 12 years ago

   You need to be confident! You will never realize all of your goals and dreams in life until you realize your own self worth. You are special and need to understand that. Once you take control and understand that you are a special and unique person, you will find happiness in life!

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3. 61

   ErinEliseposted 12 years ago

   Oh sweetheart, please don't feel that way.  I know I don't know you, but I know you are better than that.  I too struggled with self-esteem issues off and on (mostly on) from the time I can remember. It eventually gets much easier to deal with these things.  Be confident just try not to 't think that way.  I know it's easier said than done, but you've got to think positively.  I agree with the things that LucidDream said below.  Please believe that these things are true.  And, always keep a smile on your face and in your heart.

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4. 85

   krillcoposted 12 years ago

   The first issue is for you to learn how to validate yourself instead of looking to others to validate you. When we depend on others to validate us, our self esteem will always be in question. Secondly, you may need to learn to differentiate; your jealousy is a sign of relatively low relationship maturity. Most of us live out ideas of relationship that are based in myth and not the true way that relationships work. Learning how relationship really works at a mature level, along with hard work on your part to grow in your understandings and working of relationship should help you solve your insecurities.

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5. 72

   rhondakimposted 12 years ago

   Think of the unique things about you that your fiance loves.  Realize that he won't find all those things in just anyone.  By the way, is that picture of you?  If so, you're beautiful! 
   
   Also, ask yourself if there is a reason you are so worried he will run off with a stranger.  Have there been signs of infidelity on his part?  If so, you should really think twice before trusting this man enough to marry him.  If not, try and let it go.  Give him a chance to be faithful.

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6. 76

   junksellerposted 12 years ago

   Well, you've gotten some good advice already. All I wanted to add, from a male perspective, is that not all of us find drunk half-naked girls drool-worthy. I personally find them quite uninteresting. Since he is with you and not out cruising for drunk half-naked girls, I suspect he feels the same way.

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      tom hellertposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      junk seller, and i dont always see eye to eye but I am on board with his assessment

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      kwade tweelingposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Indeed. Me too.

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7. 60

   tom hellertposted 12 years ago

   Britt,
   Lets get a few things straight Krillco's spot on... don't look to others to say who or what you are you have to know what you are ... Yet if you need to hear it, you are REALLY pretty, and it sems you care about this fellow. You should have the mindset- that he should be lucky to have a good looking woman who cares so much about him. This may sound a bit coarse but one sure way to keep him "at a lower level of readyness" is to send him out with no bullets in the chamber...how to say this delicately, make sure before he goes out make sure his "gun" isn't loaded, he will like the added attention.  N SWEETIE LETS LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, Like the old saying goes -"you cannot lose what is not yours and if he can be lost that easily HE is not worth keeping anyway... BUT remember don't convict him OF A CRIME HE HAS NOT COMMITED. Look at yourself naked in the mirror take a picture - send it to me LOL-kidding kidding- just look at yourself in the mirror and say he is lucky to have ME.. i am etter than anone else out there. hey maybe et some frilly underarments and give him something to remember....*wink wink* *nudge nudge*- make him remember what h's got and lucky to have it as i am sure you are prolly too good for him... peace n confidence to you,rememer you are worth more than you think...
   TH

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   1. 0

      CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Tom, did you just tell Brittles to have sex with her fiance before he goes out? If so, you seem to have your head in the gutter.

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   2. 60

      tom hellertposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Hammer,
      i gave her my honest opinion for a plausible (dare I say) logical solution plenty of folks who will gladly give her flowery unusable pablum...
      TH

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   3. 0

      NikiiLeeReyesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with a tom a little bit. her mind is in the gutter as well. shes about to not let her boyfriend enjoy his young adult life due to her own insecurities. Its not fair to neither one of them!

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      Catherine Kaneposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      If he's the kind of guy who'll cheat on her, does't matter how much they have sex first.If he won't cheat on her, he doesn't need bribes to stay faithful.
      Since he's made a promise, this is more than enjoying "his young life" It's about trust.

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   5. 0

      NikiiLeeReyesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with Catherine Kane, but don't you think that - the fact she doesn't trust him-enables him not to trust her, thust--making him do something he might regret? Jealousy and Mistrust can make a person do stupid things....

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      Catherine Kaneposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'd agree that jealousy and mistrust can lead you to do dumb things, but I don't think that's something that pre-emptive sex will fix.
      I think she needs to decide if she trusts him. If yes, act like it. Also needs to get serious about selfesteem

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8. 0

   msorenssonposted 12 years ago

   He tells me all the time looks aren't everything and he loves me and he's attracted to me but I can't compete with drunk girls who are practically naked. He's a man.
   
   Very insightful..
   
   If he loves you..you should be comfortable...trust him...

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      NikiiLeeReyesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      always look forward to read what you have to say-- you're so insightful.

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9. 60

   AHale48posted 12 years ago

   The answer lies in your self esteem. I have had extreme problems with my own and my relationships suffered for it. My husband didn't help, he had his own problems dealing with other women. Things changed when I finally decided that I did not want to feel like 2nd best anymore. I started to take pride in myself. I was worth it. I needed to decide what made me happy. If your fiance is good to you and you have trusted him in the past with no problems, then you can trust him again. If there is a trust issue, it must be dealt with before you get married. Don't say that you trust him, but not those other girls. If he is to be trusted, he will make sure those other girls are not part of his night.
   I think that you need to look in the mirror and begin confessing good things about yourself. You are one of a kind. You obviously are conscientious about how you look or dress. You have morals. God created you for a purpose and He is mightily pleased with his daughter. Put up sticky notes all over the house, reminding yourself that you are special and you are worthy of being loved for who you are. Read a few books or hubs for encouragement and only hang out with people who will support you in this endeavor. Let me know how things go. AHale48

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10. 91

    Daughter Of Maatposted 12 years ago

    I had the same problem. My husband is not a typical man however. He doesn't like porn, the thought of two females together does nothing for him, and he's been cheated on and knows how it feels. (Ya, I think I got really lucky...)
    
    But, I still don't feel comfortable all the time. I can't give you any fantastic advice because I myself have yet to overcome the insecurities. What I can tell you, is that if he's going to leave, he's going to leave. The only thing that will stop a man from leaving is his love for his woman.
    
    My suggestion is to pay close attention to how your fiance looks at you. You can tell quite a bit from how he ogles you! For example, I can't bend over with my hubby in the room, without getting a slap on the butt or something similar. To me, it can get annoying, because it's so constant, but it also tells me he only has eyes for me.
    
    Like the song says, it's in his kiss. You can tell quite a bit from how he kisses you as well.

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       NikiiLeeReyesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       lol--- every man likes porn. I like porn. how could you not like porn? I learned most of my moves through porn. Sorry D. of Matt, I stopped reading at "two girls together does nothing for him" ... but yes I agree; you can tell by the look in their ey

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    2. 71

       kwade tweelingposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Not every guy likes porn. The ones who do, often can't see how another guy could not. The same is true of football, which I find horribly boring to watch.

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       NikiiLeeReyesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Sex is common--football is not.  At some point in our lives we've all watched porn and its not just for personal satisfaction! If you have an open mind then im sure itll help spice up ur sex life. especially if youve been together for years..

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    4. 91

       Daughter Of Maatposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I'm with kwade on this one. Not all men like porn, there are still a few out there who don't. Many who don't like porn can't understand how others do. So it works both ways. Both he and I find football boring! And not all sex lives need spiced up.

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11. 81

    Credence2posted 12 years ago

    Hello, ii3, I would have been concerned about allowing any relationship to continue if you have fears of infidelity. You have got some assets, personality and such that make you attractive.
    
    Does he reassure in word and action that you are the one and only? If he cannot get you that sense of confidence, you need to move on.
    
    The guy is right, 'looks are not everything', transitory at best. Believe me, most of us guys have been inundated with drunk and naked girls, they are a dime a dozen. I can have that anytime, the one I want to share my life has to be more and I am sure that is what he finds attractive about you.
    
    Best wishes and good luck.

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12. 0

    leann2800posted 12 years ago

    You have 2 issues. Being insecure about your body is one thing. Feeling insecure about your relationship whether you are jealous of other girls ordon't trust him.
    
    As far loving your body, I would say to get yourself as healthy as possible and then let him go. Once you have done what you can do, why worry about it?
    
    The relationship insecurity, spend as much time with him as you can but don't cling. Do activities that you both enjoy together. As long as the two fo you are spending time together and treating each other respectfully, other people will just be put on the back burner naturally.
    
    These are the things I do for me. I don't always like me because I am a sickly person no matter what I look like. Healthy people make me jealous. I hate it when I see my husband around healthy tough girls but he is a good guy and he is trustworthy and I don't want to push him away with my jealousy. So, I just strive to work as heard on my relationship with him and with myself as much as possible. Once i have done all I can do, what else is there to worry about? And if it doesn't work, I tell myself it wasn't meant to be.

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       leann2800posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       typo- I meant in the second paragraph where I say let him go, I meant let "it" go, like let the worry go. Sorry, I by no means meant to say to ditch the guy.

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13. 71

    That Grrlposted 12 years ago

    Stop thinking about yourself. I'm not typing this to be nasty but... have you noticed how you are making his trip all about you? Instead let go of your fears and your self doubts and make this trip about him. Tell him to have a great time and mean it.
    
    It's very hard to live with the insecurities of another person, to always feel that doubt and to have your every thought or casual word analyzed and never trusted.
    
    If you really feel in love with him (enough that you plan to get married) isn't it time you gave him some space? Trust him to be faithful to you and to be faithful to his own desire to be with you, to marry you and have a future with you. He is part of the couple you make - it's not you by yourself. So take a step back and stop making your own feelings the focus. See the bigger picture. See this as just a weekend away. He might be away other weekends, or longer. You need to be okay with giving him that space and trust.
    
    Also, give yourself some credit! You don't have an extra head, or any other real problem that you aren't young, lovely and desireable. You may find it hard to believe fully but stop not believing it. Stop focusing on the zit you have today when you have a gorgeous face under that zit. The face will be there long after the zit is gone.
    
    Make a list of the good things you feel about yourself. Keep it where you can see it and actually read it out loud every day. Don't focus on negative when there are so MANY more positives which you are just ignoring in order to feed your insecurity.
    
    While he is away why not give yourself a little holiday too. Take a break from beating yourself up and pat yourself on the back instead.

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14. 78

    Catherine Kaneposted 12 years ago

    My dear, not all relationships are based on appearance (the longest and best aren't), and not all men are dogs, incapable of controlling themselves when they see something they find sexy.
    
    Men are people, just like women are, and they are just as capable of fidelity as we are.
    
    Guess the question is "Do you trust him?"
    
    I know your self esteem problems are causing your fear, but did you realize that that's unfair to him? Trust is important in a relationship. When you treat a trustworthy partner like someone who can't be trusted, you can destroy the trust and the relationship.
    
    He says he loves you and won't leave you. If he's a man of his word, you need to accept that.
    
    Your self esteem problems are hurtful to both of you. I know that you know this, since you've posed this question. You need to work on building better self esteem so you can be happier yourself and so you can build a healthy relationship together. (If you can't do this for yourself, you might consider a counseller. They have a knack for helping you get insight into yourself)

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       Charluposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Totally agree and would only add to do a personal inventory of yourself listing all your positive attributes, along with some things you may want to work on.
       
       When your confident, happy with your inner/outer self your beauty will have him speechless

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       NikiiLeeReyesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Completely agree.

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15. 0

    Hubert Williamsposted 12 years ago

    Be who and what you are, what he fell in love with in the first. If that isn't enough for others, at least you have not denied who you are, and the right one will come along. By your picture, you are a beautiful woman. By your writing, you are a beautiful human being. Those are two very admirable qualities. If he prefers another that's on him, not you.

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16. 35

    edhanposted 12 years ago

    Your fear is normal but does not need to be like that.
    
    Between my wife and I, we encourage each other to admire others of the opposite sexes but there is nothing other than that.
    
    I do believe that if a person tries too hard to hold onto and ends up being obsessive will in return lose the love. So, when your fiance has chosen you then you are the one for him in his life. Stop feeling this fear otherwise you may turn out being too obsessive and this will turn him off.
    
    For two persons being in love and get married is your merits created in generations of previous lives. So, do not worry as fate has brought both you and him together.

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17. 0

    NikiiLeeReyesposted 12 years ago

    You cant be capable of fully loving someone if you do not fully love yourself. With that said, through experience--it took a lot of self-motivation. When you find yourself in situations like this--go out yourself, go to a nice poets cafe, mingle meet new people. Its okay not to be into the same things, and its healthy to have a little space.  Know who you are, what you have to offer, dont be afraid to be yourself--to find yourself if you need to. Hone it, don't be-little yourself. Men are actually attracted to confident women. So chin up darling, you're beautiful and smart. If you don't trust him, then truly you're enabling him not to trust you. You don't want to build the foundation of your marriage with walls but no floors to walk on. Trust him. Trust yourself.
    You should call your girls--make a ladies night out, go see that stripper movie with that guy from dear john? haha, Im going to go see it, my bf dies every time we see the previews and I remind him lol-- too bad you don't live in nyc. Good luck, remember the man who holds your heart is a lucky one. He'll be fool to do something to lose it.
    -Nika

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       NikiiLeeReyesposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       the point is ( whoever voted me down) is that you cant be afraid to be a woman and you cant be afraid to let your man be a man. who are we really if we are not free to be ourselves?

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       AHale48posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Its true that we each need a little time to enjoy who we are and what we like. I think your comment was great up until the stripper movie. Then it kind of got contradictory and doesn't help the situation. Activity is good, just be careful what it is.

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    Dardiaposted 12 years ago

    It is not easy to persuade yourself to believe you are worth his loyalty but if he is a good, loyal man he will be able to resist temptation even when it is flaunted so easily before him. If he does give in then he may not be the one for you.
    
    I had a battle with that myself in the beginning of my marriage. My husband is a musician in a rock and roll band and I was always worried that the temptation would be too much. He often would come home with phone numbers in his pocket and I would feel that doubt. But one day I just thought to myself, "why worry about something I can do nothing about?" I paid attention to how he was with women when we went out together. I would watch from across the room as well. Then I paid attention to how he treated me.
    
    He was loyal and it didn't matter how gorgeous or easy the women might be, he didn't want to lose me. I was the only one that mattered to him. It was right there in front of me but it took years to see it.
    
    It is not easy to change how you feel but if you want trust from him you need to trust in him. Give him the space and take a deep breath and see how he treats you, see how he treats other women. Talk to yourself about what you see and feel. Is there really something more here or is it just my insecurities? Give it some time, don't just make up your mind the first time you feel there is possibly something going on. Take a few months, or longer if you like, but truly feel with your heart and not your insecurities. Then if there is cause to not trust him maybe you need to find another one you can trust.

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    lifeoflataposted 12 years ago

    You cant control the actions and feelings of others, if your man is stupid enough to not realize that he has a good thing at home and decides to go home with a drunk, slutty girl when he's out, thats his lost not yours, theres millions of good men out there, as far as self esteem, only you can make yourself feel beautiful, you shouldnt depend on others. If your happy with yourself, no one make you insecure

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    anupmaposted 12 years ago

    You need not to compete with those girls. Actually love and attraction is two different things. May be for a few second one can feel infatuated but these type of girls can't be liked usually as a girl friend or wife. Don't worry, if you worry about these things, then it will certainly reflect in your attitude towards him. May be he either feel upset or can think that he is able to realize you his love for you. So be confident and show your love for him in each and every words of you but also in action.
    Best of Luck!
    I wish you have a successful and ever-lasting relation.

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    Sweet Epistlesposted 12 years ago

    Just be yourself and stand for what you believe, as amazing and good person. If he really loves you, he will stay and love you for what you are.  As long as he is there with you meaning he likes you more than those girls he meets around. Be confident with yourself and appreciate his presence, that will keep him yours forever.

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    Emmyboyposted 12 years ago

    I understand your plight and I wish I could help you but I'm afraid I can't.
    
    You see, your problem is you and only you can help yourself.
    
    I love it when you mentioned that you had self-esteem issues which means that you recognize your own part in the quagmire.
    
    Like the saying goes, you cannot solve a problem if you don't know the origin or source. So I am identifying that first the problem is you.
    
    You need someone else to give you your self worth or value. Too bad. Change and give yourself your much needed appreciation or validation.
    
    You are afraid he might leave you? The truth is that he might actually do that and no assurance of telling you that you are the best will stop him if he is going to do that. So, please don't build your world around him. Stop it now. Go out there and find something else that will give keep you interested in so many other things apart from how he is going to see you.
    
    Then you must also be able to attract your man on a different level which may or may not involve how you dress or appear for him. Try something new, try to see if you can attract him on the mental level. Try and see if there is something he wants you to be doing that you are not doing or doing correctly.
    
    
    You cannot stop your man from looking at other women but at least you can make him concentrate on you when you start applying some of these advices you are getting here.
    
    Good luck.

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23. 0

    CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years ago

    Dear Brittles:
    
    Our lives are governed by belief-systems which help to form our faith. You, my dear, have succumbed to a faulty belief-system that tells you that you are unattractive and unworthy.
    
    Please know that only you and God hold the key to unlock that door and change this faulty belief-system. It is also possible that someone or something planted this malicious code within your psyche to destroy your relationship and rob you of peace and joy.
    
    I can tell you all day long how lovely you are (and you are, by the way), but if this information is contrary to your belief-system, it will just fall on deaf ears. Only you can change it.
    
    The other issue I would like to touch on is your insecurity with your fiance. I am of the opinion that a soon-to-be married man should not be putting himself in a situation that you are uncomfortable with and one in which he could be tempted...it's just bad policy.
    
    I also think that you have potentially seen something in him that has caused you to feel distress and I do not believe it is solely because you have self-esteem issues.
    
    Withholding sex from your beau, until marriage, is a great policy and it will be blessed if you hold on. If he cannot be trusted to keep his rocket in his pocket, then it is best to know this now, before the wedding rings are exchanged. All men and women, should be able to practice self-control and self-discipline. And, please know, that not all men cheat nor do all men put themselves into compromising positions.
    
    As behavioral scientists have said, "Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior." Is there something in his past that would make you question his fidelity in the future? Now's the time to examine this question in earnest. You cannot go into marriage with doubts and being double-minded...that's just no way to live.
    
    Good luck to you, lass, I am rooting for you!

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    padmendraposted 12 years ago

    Looks are not important when love is there. If he really loves you from core of the heart, he would not try to find someone else in your place. Going to party with those girls about whom you are talking about can't change feelings of a man. These things might give him some enjoyment but it would be a temporary phase for him and after some time  he would definitely come back to you. Start thinking in a positive way and stop harming yourself anymore.

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    Super Luxposted 12 years ago

    i'd say it's all about mind set.  if you see yourself unattractive, you will send out a message to the universe and it will respond.  it's a matter of seeing yourself in a different way.  men love women who feel secure of themselves.  remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

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    hobbynobposted 12 years ago

    I think that if he leaves you for one of them, that's better than being married to him and having him cheat on you without your knowing it. Sometimes pain is a blessing in disguise; there's no need to fear someone leaving you if that person is not on your level. If he is on your level, you have nothing to fear. I also think that you should work on getting yourself as strong, physically and mentally, as you can, so that the self-esteem improves. Then it may happen that your fiance is not the match for you that you thought he was. Often, when we change, the type of person who is attracted to us and whom we find attractive changes as well.

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    jeshonposted 12 years ago

    You need to reconsider your own worth. This is a fear of you being left for another for what reasons? Think again what you wrote, does this makes sense? Are you not worthy of a faithful man who loves you unconditionally? This is only thinkg in your head.
    
    And by the way, if your man would leave you under the sircumstances described above, he is not worth any of your tears or your love for that matter.
    
    You matter and you are the most important person in your life, you have a extremely high value that no one can compete with. Stop taring yourself down and you will climb upwards.

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