Can't sleep..on facing death & ...

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   ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

   Is it okay to share this here?  It's past one now and it has been a long day for me.  My best friend's dad died today.  We know for awhile he was going to die soon and then today it happened.  I guess I can't sleep coz I've been holding back the tears (except for those few that escaped) as i had to rush errands and comfort my best friend; and during rehearsals, there were 4 cast members asking for a healing session. And I felt all their emotional turmoil as well.
   
   So now when I am alone in my room, I want to cry.  But I can't.  So here I am restlessly browsing through hubpages and ended up deciding to write it all down here.  Could I ask something...maybe if you believe in prayers, could you say a little one for me? 
   
   Gee...now I am crying as I am writing this (sniff)....thank you for allowing me to write this down.  I guess sometimes we have to allow ourselves to express and feel things.

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      VioletSunposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      I paused and said a prayer for you and your friend.

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         ripplemakerposted 16 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you VioletSun.  I am feeling much better now.  Stella got sick today since she stayed up late last night.   So I went to her house to give her a hug and a healing session as well.  I'm glad I could do little things for her.   It was nice to see her feel better after.

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   Patty Inglish, MSposted 16 years ago

   There are no small prayers, because each one is heard - they are all important. You're on my prayerlist.

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   Bonnie Ramseyposted 16 years ago

   You are on my prayer list as well. Also, your friend and their family. It is good that you came here and posted. Sounds like it finally got your emotions released and that is a healthy thing. Feel better, my friend and know you are in our prayers.
   
   Bonnie

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   ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

   Thanks patty and bonnie.  That means a lot.  I know God hears my prayers and comforts me.  Sometimes, I guess I have to take time to unburden too.  Esp. when I find myself always having to be strong, I have to allow myself sometimes to be weak.  Does that make sense?

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      Bonnie Ramseyposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      This makes a lot of sense. And In the Doghouse is right. What you are feeling is compassion for your friend. When she hurts, you hurt and that is how friendship is supposed to be. While being strong for a friend is good, you do have to release your own emotions as well.
      
      When I lost my Dad (1998), it took me two years to finally let it sink in. I went through life day to day and denied the fact that he was gone. Since we were on the truck at the time and only home a couple of days each month, it was easy for me to tell myself he was just in the hospital or something for those two days. Once it finally hit, I fell apart for a few hours. But that was a good thing because it was at that point that I finally met acceptance. Emotions are strange at times and we can't always keep them inside.
      
      Bonnie

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         ripplemakerposted 16 years agoin reply to this

         Bonnie, your sharing reminded me of one of the cast that I had to pray for last night.  She lost her mom late last year.  We were worried about her since there was an air of sadness about her lately.  So we discovered that she had not allowed herself to grieve and had to help her through it.  I had to hold her after and I guess I "absorbed" all their grief.  You are right, I have to release these emotions.  And it is ok.  Thank you for allowing me to express it here.  I do have a very dear friend to talk to and hug but she is also exhausted after our rehearsals so I no longer wanted to disturb her last night.  Bonnie, thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I feel I am much better now.

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   sandra rinckposted 16 years ago

   I am sorry you got the sniffles.  *sad*, but hey your friends Dad did it and is now moved on to other things.  Be happy not sad.  Sorry if I sound mean, I really mean it with the best intentions.  Celebrate his death-birth.

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   ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

   I know you are right Sandra.  And I don't think you are being mean.

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   In The Doghouseposted 16 years ago

   Michelle,
   I know that you understand the process of death and how great  the things are that are now to come to your friends father, for this we can celebrate. But sometimes you do just have to let those other feelings of sadness and sorrow surface.  I think I might understand the sorrow you are feeling, it is for the sadness that you see in your friend. I believe the word is compassion.  I think that one of the greatest scriptures we can read to understand the character of Jesus is stated in simply two words, "Jesus wept."  Our job as Christians is to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those in need of comfort.  You are a wonderful example of a Christian in that you too are feeling what your friend is feeling and therefore feel the need to weep.  You are in good company Michelle.  You are in my prayers daily, as are all my dear Hub friends.

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      ripplemakerposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Diana.  You know me very well.  I was finally able to sleep after crying last night.  Now as I read your words, I'm teary eyed.  You are right.  You have been able to put into words what I feel right now.  Thank you for that.  As I am half crying... and half laughing for feeling a bit "silly" (i guess for showing vulnerability to the world, who are still mostly strangers.)  I confess sometimes I just want to be "babied" when it hurts inside.  Thank you for your prayers.

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   Mishaposted 16 years ago

   You have my thoughts, too..

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      ripplemakerposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Misha, thank you....thank you.

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   Shirley Andersonposted 16 years ago

   I'm glad that you were able to get the tears started so you could release some of your sorrow. 
   
   Even though often times our loved ones are better off once they pass, it still hurts and we still miss them.
   
   I will add my prayer to the others, Ripplemaker.

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    ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

    My best friend, during the past months, became quite thin.  I know she was trying to be strong for her mom and the rest of the family.  It was hard seeing her in pain  I had to be strong for her too..esp since we are both running the school.  As we talked last night, I found out her dad passed away during her watch. 
    
    Kindness and comfort seems to be the answer to coping with life's grief.  It is knowing that other people care enough and you are not alone.  Thank you very much Shirley.

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    trish1048posted 16 years ago

    My heart goes out to you, and you will be in my prayers.  Here's an excerpt from my hub Suddenly Alone, hope it helps.
    
    "The memories are always there, and it is true that nobody ever dies because they DO live in your heart forever. I have a plaque that hangs in my room that says 'God gave us memories so we can gather flowers in the winter'. I love it and it reminds me, yes, He certainly is right.
    
    For those of you out there who have experienced this, I say to you, cherish what was, embrace what comes. You were blessed to have had that loved one in your life, for however long. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, so please, carpe diem! There are a lot of cliches out there, and I won't bore you with them, but they are said because, as I have found, they are true. Tell your loved ones every day, in some fashion or other, that you love them. You never know when you will never again have that opportunity."
    
    Patty

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    ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

    Patty, what you say is so true.  Thank you for sharing.  Letting go will not be as hard if you were able to build a lifetime of memories to treasure.  My heart is lighter now after crying last night.  It truly helped when I sat down in front of the computer and started to share it.  Thank you all for allowing me to do so.
    
    Death speaks to us.  It reminded me that life is too short to take for granted.  Yes Patty, you are right, we have to live each day gloriously.

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    Inspirepubposted 16 years ago

    Thanks for trusting this community enough to share it here, Ripplemaker.
    
    I'm glad you found some relief, and my thoughts are with you and your friend. She is lucky to have you.
    
    Jenny

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    ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

    Hi Jenny, I am struck by what you said.  Yes I do trust this community enough to share what I feel.  Thank you for pointing that out.  I have seen many varied, unique, compassionate, kind hearted people here like you.  That is something to be grateful for.

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    Susan Ngposted 16 years ago

    Teacher Michelle, I got your text message yesterday.  (Was going to text this but realized I forgot to buy load.)  Do you think it would be okay if Princeton and I visited Teacher Stella (and Ethel) late this afternoon?  Or is it still a "bad time"?  The interment is at their house, right?

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    ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

    Hi Teacher Susan, it is alright to go.  Please do so.  Do you know tich, the grandchildren wrote in pieces of paper notes for their grandpa with artwork too.  It was so touching and Stella said, joan and clarissa cried when they reached their house. I am sure Stella would love to see you and Princeton.

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    Susan Ngposted 16 years ago

    I imagine that among the grandchildren, Kyra would be the one who'd get affected the most. Okay, tich. Will you be going later?

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    ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

    My dad just arrived.  We may have to spend time before he leaves and before I leave.  I will be there tomorrow.  The other teachers have expressed their intentions to go tomorrow after class.

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    Susan Ngposted 16 years ago

    Okay, tich.

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    RUTHIE17posted 16 years ago

    Ripplemaker---You and your friend have my deepest sympathys for your loss.  Hang on to your faith and friendship with each other and you'll OK.  It will take time to get over the loss and heal.  Don't rush it and think that you have to "put it away and get on with life".  We all heal at different speeds--follow your heart and feelings and you'll be fine.  Thank you for feeling like you could come here to ask for help and understanding.  All of us gladly give you what small amount of support we can offer.
    
    You're in my prayers.
    
    Ruthie

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    ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

    Ruthie, thank you for your sincerity.  I like what you said about healing at different speeds.  Although I feel a lot better now after crying, I still find myself staring into space every now and then.  A good talk with a dear friend helped a lot too.  She just told me what you said, that its okay to feel like crying (which happened every so often during the day.)  But I am able to laugh now.  And as Diana (in the Doghouse) said, I know he is in a better place.  That comforts us a lot.

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    stephhicks68posted 16 years ago

    Dear Michelle,  Please add my sincere condolences!  I am so sorry for your best friend's loss, and I know you must be feeling it acutely.  I still cry thinking about my grandfather who passed last fall.  Your friend is lucky to have such a caring strength in you.  Steph

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    ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

    Hi steph, after the crying, I believe part of me is also feeling guilty.  You see, I have to leave (for Taiwan this coming wednesday for the musical) and I will not be around for the funeral on thursday.  I had to let go of these thoughts last night.  But I'm glad it happened when I am still here and not when I am away.  That would have been dreadful when I could not do anything from afar.  Thanks Steph.

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    Lifebydesignposted 16 years ago

    Hi Michelle, I add my heartfelt thoughts and sympathies for you as well. Death is such a release, but isn't it true its hardest on those who stay behind.
    I know prayer is so personal but this is a prayer I use alot and you might find it comforting: 'Thy name is my healing, O my God, and remembrance of Thee is my remedy. Nearness to Thee is my hope, and love for Thee is my companion. Thy mercy to me is my healing and my succor in both this world and the world to come. Thou ,verily, art the All-Bountiful, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise.'
    
    Louise

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       ripplemakerposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you Louise for sharing the beautiful prayer.  Today when I talked to Stella, she told me something that truly touched me.  Her dad's best friend passed away last year.  When the daughter learned about the death, she called up and said, "Do you know that my father died last year on this day and about the same time that your dad passed away too?" 
       
       Isn't it simply beautiful?  True friendship does go beyond...even after death.

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