Save a Marriage Because of our Childrens Future

1. 57

   Angela Nielsenposted 13 years ago

   For the past 10 years of our marriage with Tom we have many problems encounter. There are points in our life that we want to let go our marriage because of some third party coming into Tom's life. And I really feel the anger and dishonesty that Tom's made. I decided to file a case for divorce but Tom's disagree with it.
   What will I do?

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      sofsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Poor confused you!! don't start thread just for the starting a thread... all the other sound crazy too.. 

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   2. 85

      rebekahELLEposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      sorry to hear about your marriage issues.
      I had given a response earlier but reread your original post again.
      
      if your marriage is over (which it sounds like it is) and your husband is cheating and doesn't want a divorce because of the children, I would hire the best lawyer I could afford. it's hard to give advice here not knowing all the details. you need legal advice.  good luck!

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   3. 61

      drfurrposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Divorce is the biggest nightmare you can imagine. Your kids will be hurt and hurt bad. Knowing that, maybe you two can work on things. No matter how bad it gets (unless there is violence) divorce is worse.

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2. 57

   Angela Nielsenposted 13 years ago

   I might be poor and confused but its Christmas right now be good to newbies like me. I can be a follower of you. I just need help guys with my situation if you don't want to help then be it. Thanks for your reply. Merry Christmas and advance Happy New Year!

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3. 64

   Abbasangelposted 13 years ago

   Your original post said "save our marriage for the sake of the Children?" Or something like that?
   
   I would strongly argue that if that only reason for staying in the marriage then there is no marriage.
   
   But a few questions for you:
   
   Would you like to see your children in the same relationship you are in?
   
   How does it benefit them to stay in a loveless marriage?
   
   There are no manuals on how to live life, but kids do learn very quickly from their family situations.

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   1. 57

      Angela Nielsenposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Abbasangel...I am thinking not to pursue the divorce for the sake of our children...
      Bu then again i think twice. your right they cant benefit of a loveless marriage might rather ruin their personal point of view about love. i also dont want them to be discouraged... Maybe they could accept the truth of their parents situation. Hope they can. Cross my fingers.

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4. 0

   Sophia Angeliqueposted 13 years ago

   Angela, your spelling is immaculate but your grammar sucks. Ergo, I believe you're a troll.

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5. 76

   frogdroppingposted 13 years ago

   Sophia - I can write in Portuguese but I'm not perfect. My spelling is 100% but my grammar is not. I also get mixed up with tenses on occasion. 
   
   The odd combination of the two doesn't denote supporting evidence for a troll.
   
   As much as I don't get why folks join sites like this, open their hearts and look for help/justification/verification - I don't assume the worst.
   
   Maybe he/she really does need a little guidance.
   
   As to the OP - staying together for the sake of the children is not the brightest of ideas. Children are not stupid. They're able to adapt to situations far better than they're given credit for - and they're also just as capable at picking up on subtle changes.
   
   Be careful before you decide what to do based on them alone. Think bigger - what's best for all concerned.

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   1. 0

      EmpressFelicityposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      +1
      
      I would go a lot further than this, and advise anybody (male or female) who is thinking of getting married and also wants children, to ask themselves the following questions:
      
      1. Does the person I'm about to get hitched to actually want kids?
      
      - If yes, go to next question.  If no, end the relationship and find someone else.
      
      2. Does the person I'm about to get hitched to bring out the best in me?  When we're together, am I nicer/more sorted/less bad tempered?
      
      - If yes, go to next question.  If no, end the relationship and find someone else.
      
      3. Am I too dependent on this person either emotionally or financially?
      
      - If yes, end the relationship and find someone else.  If no, go to next question.
      
      4. What sort of attitude does my intended have towards money?  Are they mean?  Too generous/spendthrift?  Or do they somehow manage to strike a happy medium?
      
      - If their attitude to money is out of whack in any way, then chances are that when children come along, then all the problems will magnify.  Money is a HUGE source of marital disharmony.
      
      5. Does my intended other half even *try* to be faithful? 
      
      
      I could go on (and on and on and on), but you get the picture.  My poor late mother (bless her) would have answered "no" on question 1 (as well as all the subsequent questions), and the fallout is still happening over forty years later.

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      banzaradiwanaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I would say simply that you are ONE super brave &intelligent woman weighing the pros & cons.Children below 10 years  are usually a malleable kind.actually  their affinities,school,extra-curricular activities,peer-group,neighbourhood often play an important role in their lives....you could have a frank talk if you feel it's okay.I WISH YOU ALL THE VERY BEST FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO DO THIS YEAR.DO TAKE CARE TOO.

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6. 68

   lrohnerposted 13 years ago

   Let me see if I have this straight... You've been married for ten years. Your hubby cheated on you. You want a divorce but he doesn't. My first question to you is -- why do you care what he wants??? IMHO, he doesn't deserve the time of day, never mind another shot at your marriage.
   
   If you decide to stay married, there's a very good chance that his cheating will continue. And frankly, I don't see that as a good situation for anyone but him.

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   1. 85

      rebekahELLEposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      lisa, I agree. I reread the OP and changed my previous response. the children have already been affected by 10 years of dsyfunction. it's better to get out and move forward.

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      1. 50

         tgagosposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         On the topic of considering divorce and the potential impact of such a decision on children...
         
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7. 59

   Jeramiposted 13 years ago

   There are too many unknowns for anyone to make this decision for you.
     Your ages.  Your childrens ages.  Amount of child support that you can honestly expect to receive.  Your ability to find suitable employment (income)
   
      There is never any justification for a spouse to cheat, but sometimes there was avoidable causes? And sometimes  NOT.
   
      It is easy for other people to give advice, and just as easy to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.
   
      I've seen broken marriages recover to the point that it was better than ever expected.  And I've seen marriages only survive a lifetime of misery.
   
   Then make your best decision.
   
      
     Each case is different.
     You need to talk to a close friend or relative that knows your situation and you have respect for their judgment. 
   
      Good luck.

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8. 63

   ThunderKeysposted 13 years ago

   I hope my response is not to late here. As a professional counselor who's worked with hundred's of couples and individuals in crisis and emotional distress, I want to let you know that with the right help and a clearly developed strategy, you can definitely rebuild your marriage so that it is both emotionally healthy for both of you again and emotionally and physically affair-proof.
   
   I've written a number of hubs on evidence-based marital therapy, tools and strategies, and would be pleased to answer any questions you may have about how to save your marriage.
   
   - Duddy.

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9. 49

   1lrichardsposted 13 years ago

   I was with my husband for 20 years and we had our issues and ultimately he left me because I had bipolar disorder, cheated on him and did some horrible things. I tried to get him to work with me and a marriage counselor on the issues but he wouldn't have any of it. Everyone has their boiling point and he obviously reached it.
   
   Ironically, his father had a 10 year affair with a woman and when his mom found out she was devastated but decided she wanted to fight for the marriage and they stayed together.
   
   My parents were married 42 years until my dad died. My dad was a doctor but had bipolar and my mom was a stay at home mom and took care of the kids. They worked through the difficulties to stay together too.
   
   Divorce is ugly. Ours was extremely ugly and brutal including a horrific custody battle, etc. I don't know your other issues and if you've gone to marriage counseling but I do believe that it's possible to get through the difficult times with a talented marriage counselor.
   
   If you've already tried that route and are determined that it is in fact over then I would get out while the kids are young, get a good attorney and be prepared to get into some therapy for you and possibly the kids depending on how they respond to the separation. You may feel a sense of relief at first but my ex and I both were depressed while going through the process and it was very hard. On top of that when you have kids you are in constant contact with your ex like when they call to talk to the kids while they are staying at your house and organizing extracurricular activities and vacations. I swear it feels like I'm still married to my ex in many ways.
   
   That's just my two cents for what it's worth. Good luck!

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