With an increasing number of married couples ending in divorce - Do you think that divorce is a too easy way out and that a couple should work harder to make their relationship work?
No marriage is perfect and couples have to work hard and be willing to make compromises to make a marriage work. These days I think that Western couples generally don't work hard enough to stay together unlike in the past.
Actually, stricter guidelines have been gradually put in place in recent years, from what I hear. Especially for couples who have children together. I believe they're now being required to take months of family counseling, etc., and an increased waiting period for divorce finality is imposed.
There were some very lax rules, some of which may still be in place. The rule of claiming "incompatibility" after years of marriage is part of the "easy way out". Even though it's true that it might take years to actually get to know someone if they deceive you, etc., and people can cheat even after years of marriage, etc...
But those situations also were resolved by being ruled upon via the distribution of assets, etc., and even child custody rules.
Also, the "common law marriage" that many states had (and have?)in effect, played a role in the devaluation of marriage.
I think one of the worst attacks against marriage was probably the "women's rights movement" which went way too far and has even moved into the mode where a woman can abort a man's child without his knowledge or consent, etc.
Of course THE worst attack so far is the homosexual agenda movement.
I would have figured that the divorce rate has stabilized by now. I mean, the numbers of divorces are still astonishing high, but as for the rate itself, I would think that it hadn't gone up or down.
What is the rate over last year, or the past decade? I know the eighties were pretty rough on marriages, but, I thought people were also getting married less these days. Shows what I know.
If the people are better off out than in, why not get there the easy way?
It definitely would depend if the spouse is a criminal or abusive...but other than that I say it is an easy way out.
There are too many divorces given out from hurt feelings, tired of the person, etc.
The "incompatible reasoning" is a joke. Why did that person even marry for then? You should know the person Before you marry.
Not marry just for hot sex, money or their job title or even pressure from family or friends which I have known some to do and then end up in a divorce.
Marriage should not be taken lightly. It is a serious life-long (should-be) situation. And when Kids are involved it hurts them more than it does the person divorcing.
I agree totally with what you've said, and unless you're married to an abusive spouse or a criminal, then divorce is a real kop out because as you rightly stated the 'incompatible reason' is a farce, couples should know each other very well before marriage and also be marrying for the right reasons, for if not then then there can be serious collateral damage if there are children involved too.
Great answer Michael! Cheer for sharing that.
Maybe more preparations for marriage could alter the divorce rate.
I think that the problem is not that couples get a divorce, it's the fact that they hurt each other and the children while separating. We always try to hold on to things and forget that by natural law, the only constant is change. People change, relationships change, feelings change, priorities change. Divorce is an option in many cases. As long as a person tries to cling on to another, there will be a BAD separation that will affect everyone. Nothing lasts forever and that's why we should learn to live in the RIGHT NOW and learn to LET GO when the time to end-and-begin-again comes along.
It is the easy way out, I know I have done more than once.
I think we are seeing a change in attitude with more couples opting to see if there is not a better alternative.
If you loved someone enough to marry them in the first place it is a safe bet that love is still in there. Maybe it is lying dormant from lack of attention, maybe it needs a push to get the engine started again. I think divorce should be the last option after you have exhausted all other possibilities.
While I agree that some people do use it as an easy out, I don't think the rules should be made more stringent. If two people don't want to be married anymore, it's their own business WHY they don't want to be married and not for the law or anyone else to say whether their reasons are good enough. As for criminal or abusive...what about the non-physical forms of abuse? Psychological abuse can take years to identify, and is almost impossible to prove. Anyone who tries to prove psychological abuse in a court of law can easily be made to look like a nutcase because no one else can truly understand how one person can be controlled, or how many minor events can build up to a very big problem.
In my own previous marriage, our "irreconcilable differences" culminated in him cheating...I'd put up with the psychological abuse for years because I believed I should stick with it, then eventually started believing that I was stuck whether I liked it or not. He was very good at knowing just how far he could push it before it would be over the line enough for me to leave. He got careless in his infidelity and no, I wasn't going to try to work it out, because trust was the only thing I had left for him. It was good timing, considering his girlfriend got pregnant shortly thereafter and it would have been a lot harder blow to find out about that at the same time as the cheating. Very few people I know found divorce to be easy in any way, it is a very messy and trying process. I can say that now that it's done I'm very glad to have done it, and my son has benefited from it by having two happy homes to live in instead of one miserable one.
That said, I do believe that there are a lot of marriages that go by the wayside because people get bored, hit hard times and don't want to work it out, or otherwise give up on a good relationship. However, the government cannot legislate morality, and they cannot make the call about what is a "good" relationship and what is a "bad" relationship.
Yes I agree divorce is an easy way out. And many people go into marriage with the mindset that if it doesn't work out they can just get divorced.
Wychic, I understand about the abuse though, and that is the exception for me. Of course if abuse or infedelity is the issue then I absolutely think divorce should be granted.
However, there are probably far more divorces that happen just because people don't want to work anything out. Or they just get bored or feel that they have grown apart, etc, ...
And when kids are involved thats when it gets messy.
My husband had been married before, and when asked why they divorced he really couldn't give me a good answer. They just didn't see eye to eye anymore. I told him I didn't believe in divorce and if we married that I wouldn't grant him a divorce just because he wanted one.
He agreed and we have been happy now for three years. He blamed his first wife for the divorce. At first I was very wary I mean everybody blames the other. But since we have been married I have not seen anything that would make me want to divorce him. So I don't know maybe he was right.
Agreed . My husband now has been married twice before, which made me a bit leery when I got together with him too. The first marriage lasted a year and a half, then she cheated...and his daughters all tell me to this day that they were extremely relieved when that marriage dissolved. His second marriage, though, he'd originally told me they just "realized they didn't love each other anymore" which made me a little nervous, because what would keep him from deciding the same thing about me? Over time, though, the story has unfolded much more -- they were together 10 years, but the last five wasn't really as a couple at all, and the last year and a half they didn't even sleep in the same bedroom. He's never had anything negative to say about her, but from what he's told me it's VERY clear why they had a personality clash. I've had a chance to talk to his son and ex-wife, and to get more of the story from him, and even though there wasn't any abuse or anything I'm beginning to understand why they went their separate ways anyway. His son tells me that he really can't remember ever seeing affection between the two of them, and that they really never had anything to say to each other except for the occasional fight (they were usually very good about keeping the negativity away from him).
His ex-wife was able to go on from that marriage and find someone that she's been very happy with for the last 12 years, and he spent 10 years as a bachelor and then found me. Today his son is 16 years old, and said that if his biological parents had stayed together he would have never gotten to see what a good relationship looks like, but now he can see both of his parents' relationships and learn how to have one like it of his own one day.
I think this is where the divorce issue gets really fuzzy...I know they tried to work on the marriage for a long time, but when nothing worked they went their separate ways and that ended up being better for everyone involved. This isn't a typical situation, I think...at least most of the divorces I know have involved abuse, criminal activity, infidelity, or people just giving up rather than trying at all...but it's really given me some food for thought to be able to talk to everyone 12 years later and see how it shaped their lives for the better, and that sometimes "incompatibility" or "irreconcilable differences" may very well be a legitimate reason without any other complications. I agree with the majority here that it is sorely overused, but again that determination can't be made outside of the couple in question. To try to legislate it, though, would probably result in more people simply leaving a marriage contract intact and going their separate ways anyway, or even more below-the-belt blows in divorce court trying to prove "breach of contract" than there already are.
I believe divorce is too easy to obtain these days. But societal attitudes in general have become a lot more liberal. The traditional get married then have children has given way to live together, maybe get married, maybe not. Have children first, then get married (or not). With so many variables allowed (if not socially sanctioned) there is less societal pressure for couples to stay together -- as was the case in my parents' generation. They lived through the Depression and WWII. They simply couldn't understand the "touchy feely ego driven" 60s and 70s.
Of course there are very legitimate reasons for divorcing (abuse, infidelity being two).
I've pondered many times if it's better to marry young and have your kids young, then realize when you're 40 and the kids are gone that you and your spouse no longer have anything in common ... and start over, or
To marry later so you know yourself better and (knock on wood) will marry someone you will be compatible with for the rest of your life.
I don't believe at this point in our society's evolution that we can legislate couples to "stay together." If anything, we have become even more of an instant gratification/I want it MY WAY and NOW society. Sad, really.
Divorce should be easy. The question is: should mariage exist in future?
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