What do you do when you realize you married a jerk?
What do you do when you marry the "perfect" person and after the "new" wears off, you realize he/she is a jerk? Is it for better or worse or run for the door?
Divorce him before you get pregnant!
Making a marriage work is hard enough. If you genunely believe that you have made a mistake then it's better you find out sooner rather than later.
Have you tried couples counselling? If not, then maybe a few sessions will enable you to think a little more clearly about whether or not you can, or indeed should stay.
Best of luck with this!
What is too much effort? Let's suppose this "person" has been in a previously failed relationship and is determined to make this one work? What do you do when you truly love someone and you put in a lot of effort and they aren't?
This is one of the reasons why they invented divorce!
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: we either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. If you are unable to do either of these then odds are you (chose) the wrong mate.
Awhile back I wrote a hub titled: Divorce: The Upside. When you strip away all of the emotional pain and legal expenses a divorce is nothing more than an admission that a (mistake) was made. Human beings make mistakes in (every) area of their lives. It makes no logical sense to believe getting married is the one "exception". http://dashingscorpio.hubpages.com/hub/ … The-Upside
Odds are you did not marry the "perfect" person. You simply did not date them long enough to see their "authentic self". In any long-term relationship there are (clues) which we either examine further or we choose to ignore. Some folks marry "potential" with the hope of being able to change their mate overtime. I talk about this a lot in my book. My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany) http://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Rel … 1468104721
Whenever we attempt to change our mate it leads to frustration on our part and resentment on their part. There is no amount of "communication" or "work" that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want. Best of luck!
What do you suggest for someone who feels almost adapted to the unhealthy relationship and that it is less intimidating than ending it, leaving it and moving on? Do you think that it is hard to admit there may be no hope?
I'd remind them that our lives are for the most part the result of (our) choices and decisions. If we don't want to be somewhere we leave. A person without "deal breakers" lacks self-esteem. I'd suggest getting help and reading some books to start.
Thank you, I think that you are very mindful and right on the money about the self-esteem. I am working on your hubs, they're great.!
I once read an excellent analysis of the components of genuine, whole, romantic, love. Something that I've always remembered is that the analysis included respect and admiration as two things that are always there when love is what it's supposed to be.
If you think the person you married is a jerk it's obvious you don't respect him/her as a person, so I wouldn't think there's a lot of point in staying in the relationship unless children are involved. Even then, though, some types of "jerks" can make the environment unhealthy for everyone in the house.
BUT, I don't think most people are "out-and-out jerks". I think they can act like jerks if they don't understand someone else and/or what s/he is living with/dealing with; and I think they can be perceived as "jerks" as someone who doesn't understand them and/or what they're living with/dealing with. One major problem can be that just trying to communicate and understand one another can be impossible; simply because when people don't respect someone else they don't take what they say seriously either, or else they think the other person doesn't know what s/he is talking about. Once one or both people are essentially feeling superior to the other (and seeing someone as a "jerk" amounts to judging him/her as "the one who is inferior in one or more ways").
So, I guess my answer it that maybe, before deciding what you should do, see if you can the "jerk" that you're married to to go with you to a trained, on-the-ball, counselor (and if you get vibes that the counselor isn't all that "on-the-ball" find a different one), see if you can sort out the roots of your differences, see if you sort out what can be done, what you might need to do, etc. etc. Or at least see someone by yourself and see if you can get their take on whether the person is really a jerk or possibly just perceived by you as one.
If there aren't yet children involved it's better to sort this out before there are; and if there already children the best thing their parent could do would be to a) be very careful about decisions s/he makes regarding the marriage, and b) give the marriage every possible chance it may have (if it has one).
When things are right, even when "the new" wears off people don't usually see their spouse as "a jerk". So, one way or another, all the more reason to consider seeing a professional who deals with couples.
Can’t you love someone and think he is a jerk somewhat in part because you respect him and yet he shows an obvious lack of respect? Can you love and resent someone? What do you do when he doesn't see fault in being disprespectful/hurtful?
Yes, to your first two questions. Last one: I'd say you ask if there can truly be loved without respect, consider whether a counselor may help him see the error of his ways, or whether he knows what he's doing and just doesn't care.
Thank you. I think that there is good in people and sometimes they just don't have the tools to handle feelings and emotions right? Sometimes it is defense mechanisms that get in the way?
I think it's best to try and figure out what you did to make him act that way.
I hope that I shouldn’t take offense to that? He actually was just diagnosed with depression and he’s just kind of mean for no reason. I take his depression personally and I have always tried to please him, it just seems impossible
Find a qualified clinical counselor. Everyone marries a jerk, including your spouse. Part of maturing in relationship is going through the process of accepting that there is no 'prince' or 'princess' and you could have married any of thousands and had relative happiness. Love is always a choice, and it's always work. Those who don't realize this will likely divorce and remarry and rediscover the same facts over again, as many times they are in a new relationship.
I heard this phrase a few years ago: "Those who are wounded in relationships are also healed in relationships." Each person is capable of good and evil--to be loving--and to be mean--to be a prince--or to be a jerk. Often times relationships expose depths of our hearts and wounds that were once hidden. People somehow think marriage will just "make them happy." Then they realize it wasn't what they thought it would be and that the other person doesn't satisfy their needs like they wanted. Truth be told--marriage is more about giving than receiving--becoming a better person then getting a "good deal." Love is always a choice. Love is most difficult when our spouse doesn't deserve it. Women need to be unconditionally loved and men unconditionally respected. Women need to be loved even when they act unlovable and men need to be respected even when they don't deserve it. If your husband has depression--it has a lot more to do with his own lack and wounds than you--you just might perhaps be the trigger. This is tricky because, for example, would you expect a sick person to run a marathon? Can a person struggling with depression give you what you need? But a person dealing with depression has to be willing to get out--to work their way to freedom. There are many theories about how this can be done. There is no simple answer here but this is what I would advise: 1) Decide what kind of person you are. Are you a person who is committed and will love no matter what? Love gives because that is its nature, not because it receives something back. This is the great sacrifice of love. If this is the person you want to be, then be it no matter how your husband responds. We cannot control our spouse but we are responsible for our own actions and behaviors. Maybe its worth being the stronger, more mature person to do and be what love is and does not because he deserves it, but because its who you are. 2) Find support on dealing with depression. I'm not a psychologist, but I've suffered depression in the past and know people who have. The biggest thing that helped me come out of it was to learn the power of my mind and to totally change the way I think (changing mindset from negative to positive.) Unconditional love motivated me to change, too. Also I believe there is an unseen realm that affects things such as this--I approached my battle from that angle as well. When people let me down I found a strength and strategy in God to make it through.
Thank you, I feel like your words come from the heart and not a book. So much of what you have to say rings true. It is hard to fight your own depression, when you seek happiness from a depressed person? If that makes any sense?
Yes-total sense! No person can actually "make" us happy--they can just add to what's already there. True joy comes from within and can coexist even beside sadness. In fact, suffering dug a hole in my heart that enlarged my capacity to receive joy.
I like your answer too! What you said makes a lot of sense. I have found men to be called a lot of things in life but if your only word to describe him is ''jerk'', then you may just have a keeper.
Truly a beautiful way of looking at it. Can there be hope after depression has tainted the relationship? Can resentment fade away from both sides?
Yes there is hope and resentment can go but its a choice. Forgiveness is a huge part of it & not holding each others' sins and hurt against one another. Forgiveness is a choice that brings freedom. Start the process by forgiving self and others.
How do you get the other half to get on the same page? I would be willing to do whatever it takes, but he doesn't even see a problem? How do you fix something that he doesn't see as broken?
You can't fix. He needs to see his part &only he can do it. If you release trying to make him see his part &focus on yours you could find he is willing to do his down the road but you have to do yours bc you want to not as an exchange. I h
I feel very responsible for the happiness in the relationship and probably more so for his happiness than my own. I want him to be happy so bad that it drains me trying. How do you sit back and wait?
I can't answer that in 250 characters or less. :-) But what I WILL do is write a hub on the topic--with a focus on the themes and questions you've brought up. I'll let you know when I post it! It can and will be OK if you learn and do your part.
You're awesome, thank you for your commitment on the topic. I so look forward to your hub.
I am sorry that divorce even exists because it encourages lazy people and foolish souls to make impulsive marital decisions.
People cannot know, in this day and age, if they have married the "perfect" person, because they are unwilling to allow time to reveal the truth. This is a "credit card" society we live in and people want what they want and they want it NOW.
Americans tend to jump to conclusions and then immediately jump into bed, sometimes not in that order. All of this activity is usually covered within the first week. When the dust has settled and the Dopamine levels (love drug) have returned to baseline (2 years later), they find out that they liked their spouse more when s/he was their sex partner instead of their marital partner. Too bad...so sad, but who's fault is that?!
No fault divorce allows people to make hasty and foolish decisions and then walk away as if nothing has happened...to the detriment of marriages, homes, children, families and society.
Very few people have the strength of character, moral integrity and intestinal fortitude it takes to be successfully married. By my estimates, only about 10% of those who get married should have.
"only about 10% of those who get married should have." CJ, I think you are being generous with that percentage! lol! I agree with you that people don't invest enough time to get know a person BEFORE saying "I do." Everyone is "perfect" at the start!
The other issue, Dashing, is that many Americans are without honor and their words, promises and oaths mean nothing to them. It's sad when you cannot get out of a minor business contract, but one can just walk away from their marriage w/o a problem.
I was in a physically abusive relationship for 10 years and I did everything to try to make that relationship work. This relationship is almost at the five year mark and I have devoted and committed myself to the relationship and give 100%.
It sounds like you are your own worst enemy when it comes to choosing men. If I were you, I would take a real good look at myself and see what I'm doing wrong. You've got this victimization and dying hero thing going on but neither will lead to joy.
Why does it have to be that I am doing something wrong. I'm not suggesting that anyone is doing anything wrong and I'm also not looking for sympathy. I am trying to understand men and how they love and how to improve relationships for both people
Boy, you really need to talk this out don't you? You have commented on every single piece of advice these people have given you and I keep seeing the same two words together "but he". I sincerely suggest counseling starting with you. Now before you take offense I'm about to tell you why. Mind you this is just a shot in the dark here, you grew up thinking that marriage as a form of being rescued. You read the romance novels, believed in Prince Charming, and one day you would find the perfect man who would put a ring on your finger, pledge his "undying" love for all eternity, and he would whisk you away from all your troubles and the two of you would live "happily ever after". But honey, there is also a reason why those stories were categorized as "Fairy Tales". They were never real. They are simply "little white lies" that were published so girls could always have a "happy ending" before they went to sleep. WAKE UP! You are married! Get your head out of the clouds and start facing facts! Ask yourself some questions such as "Why did I get married?" "Whose idea was it?" "Do I even like this person?" "Did we know each other well enough?" "Was there a child involved?" or was it because the two of you were together sooooooo long that marriage simply seemed to be the next "logical" step? You need to sort out what's in your own mind before ever finding fault with him. Then after a few sessions talk to your counselor about setting up future appointments with the two of you. But I strongly suggest you take my advice and seek some counseling for yourself first. Then pick up some books on marriage. Read "His Needs, Her Needs"; "The Five Love Languages"; and "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. Strangely enough the last book was the only one where I could remember the author's name, but go to any bookstore or library and they can help you out. And if you do read romance novels, might I suggest you choose a few that you and your hubby can read together.
"You need to sort out what's in your own mind before ever finding fault with him." Great advice! Too many people play the "blame game". Our lives are the result of (our) choices and decisions. Blaming others makes us powerless! I can only control me!
Simply brilliant commentary, Alaina. Your words will fall on def ears, but they ring true nonetheless. The victimization of women is a cottage industry in this country and good sense and personal accountability were never mentioned in fairy tales :0)
I love your insight. I am very insecure and have always beat myself up trying to be “enough” for people. I love hard and unconditionally and only want conformation that I am loved in return. I know “Prince Charming” is only in fairytales.
Okay, I realized to truly understand where I am coming from and so that I may get the appropriate advice I need to give more. Everything that has been said is beautiful, whether warm or harsh. I appreciate criticism and the truth; I don’t want anything sugar-coated.
Here is a quick run-down:
Young girl meets boy, girl thinks she falls in love. A couple years later, girl becomes pregnant; unexpected but awesome gift as a result. Girl falls in love with child and despite physical and emotional abuse, finds a place in the relationship because girl realizes she has her own family now. Girl continues on in relationship for 10 years and another child later. Girl hits mid-twenties; where the brain starts understanding deep meanings and recognizes that she is not in a healthy relationship for herself or her children and makes conscious decision to leave. Girl feels like a failure for “breaking up a family”. Some short time later girl goes through trials and tribulations trying to start a new life on her own. Girl meets man. Man sweeps girl off of her feet. Girl feels her heart filled with emotions she is not sure that she has ever felt and is determined to never lose that feeling. Girl falls for man hard, very hard. Girl and man have beautiful, happy, passionate relationship for short time. Girl and man decide to start a new life together, both with a lot of baggage; but that is okay. Girl realizes her baggage contributes to here insecurities in love and relationships but tries to be open about her thoughts and feelings. Man has baggage that has affected how he loves and is loved. Girl starts to notice man change, withdraw, and become depressed and angry. Girl takes it personally and feels that she is responsible for man’s happiness. Girl tries working through problems with man, but man doesn’t like “talking about the relationship”. Man assures girl that she is doing nothing wrong and he has no problems with the relationship. But girl sees a change in the relationship and does feel something is wrong. Girl is first one to admit that she is not perfect and in fact flawed and shares that with man. Man is stubborn and does not see fault in himself. Girl does not want man to feel bad about his self, rather to see that relationship may be struggling and there is room on both sides for improvement. Girl just wants man on board to working on relationship so both people are fulfilled. Girl does not have high expectations. Girl just wants simple life and simple love.
It is possible for a woman to not "play victim" and only want to know how to give the right love and get at least some form of love in return. I am no victim, I don't know how to fix a relationship that only one person sees as broken?
Root issues: baggage from both sides undealt w/ & past roles played repeat until resolved; Girl not responsible for man’s happiness; Girl trying too hard to fix; Girl dealing w/ own insecurities will relieve pressure he feels (but won’t talk abou
Do you suppose it is hard to work on your own insecurities when you feel like your failing your partner and the relationship by not making the other person happy?
As long as you don't see your role in (choosing) this man as being part of the problem you are playing victim. When we change our circumstances change. Your man is what he is. Decide on what YOU are going to do. It's your life. Take the wheel!
Cant: I think this man is just who he was when you met him, but your head was in the clouds and now you have come back down to earth. The problem isn't his...it's your's. You seem to be a Dopamine addict who thrives on drama. Live and let live. :0)
You obviously don't have a clue who I am. I want no drama. This is a man that was full of compliments in the beginning and is now full of insults. I work, clean, nurture, laugh, comfort, console and NEVER complain or blame, so what am I doing?
Cantuhearmescream, I think you are missing CJ's point. If you really don't want any "drama" then you would leave. Freedom is on the other side of your door. Stress, hoping for someone to change, being unhappy, is drama. Stay or leave? Your choice.
Maybe I am and I hope so! I never play victim and I never want sympathy. I guess I don't know when it's time to leave. I don't like to give up on people or relationships. At what point does my leaving become a selfish decision?
Don't leave. This is an opportunity for growth for both you and him. Focus on your part right now. Leaving will just allow things unresolved and the patterns will repeat. You need solid advice and support to move in a good direction. Be back later..
Cant: If you leave again, you're setting a bad precedent of choosing poorly and then walking away. I'd suggest that you give romantic relationships a loooooong rest. By the way, are you really that loving, noble & caring or is this wishful thinki
That was kind of my thought; I don’t want to bail on the relationship because even if it gets ugly, I am willing to work through it to get to a place where we are both thriving.
"We need to stop blaming everyone and everything around us for the problems in America today and realize that we are directly related to the problem." Cantuhearmescream those are (your words) on your bio. They also apply to your personal life too!
I never said noble, but yes, I am proud of how I love.
I don't blame "him" for anything. I don't know why people are making me feel like I'm playing victim and painting him bad. You can only put so many words in a question title
Cantuhearmescream, When you outline the problems with your marriage you seem to be saying if (he changed) YOU would be happy. Since you can only control yourself this puts you in a powerless or victim role waiting and hoping (he) improves your life.
First I hope you realize that I absolutely value your opinion and advice. Second, I don't necessarily want him to change, I want to know what I have to do so that he may be happy in the relationship because he seems not to be. Despite
Oh well that's different! If that's the case, your screwed! Here's why, you are trying to be his savior! You can't MAKE someone happy you can only keep them happy. You're saving a man that only God can help. Pray then get out of the way!
I can’t tell if you’re being sincere or sarcastic, but I never looked at it as trying to be his savior, I have been trying to salvage our relationship, which seems unhealthy and kind of unhappy to me. Sincere or sarcastic; I'll take it. Thank You
I'm about 2/3 done with a hub. I'll have to finish rest in the morning. If you could choose 2 most important questions you hope to have answered, what would they be? What seems most urgent for you to understand in this moment? I'll include them..
When is it time to leave a relationship or “give up” (supposing one/both parties seem to be unhappy)?
How do we know, despite apparent unhappiness, our mate is happy with us/the relationship when they aren't "talkers" and say "we're good
I finally finished the Hub! Not the smoothest ever...ran out of time...but I Hope this helps!!! http://seek-n-find.hubpages.com/hub/Rea … -I-give-up
It took me a bit to get through it, taking notes and openning tabs along the way, but it's great and I can't wait to read more from you. Thanks for everything.
What a question, however, to me no one is perfect. I dated for four years before I married at 27. We have now been married for 27 year but sometimes I do wish that we had lived together for the last year before we got married, that would have given me a lot of insight to the real quirks, etc... and I might not have married him.
Over the course of the first three years of marriage, everything was perfect actually. After I my first child, I got a little lazy at things and put all of myself into raising her instead of housework even though I did keep up with stuff; just not to his standards, I guess. That's about where things started I think, two years later I had my second baby, same thing again just doubled.
He has a big heart and we both love either, but when he is tired and hungry he is irritable and can be mean. He has been a real jerk at times when my daughters were teens and they got under our skin. Even now with my daughters at 22 and 24 he just blurts outs comments that are so condescending and hurtful when they talk back to us. The girls don't apologize but he doesn't either to them, because he thinks he's right and no matter what their opinions are, he won't concede and truly listen to them.
So to answer your question, I'm not running for the door after all these years, but the itch does come and go when things flare up.
Thanks for sharing so personally. Sometimes I think men can just be stubborn and it's frustrating. But, I don't like the lack of respect. You can be in a bad mood and even be a grouch without being disrespectful. We need to stand up someti
Life is short - don't waste it trying to make things work with people you don't want to be around or who are toxic to you. Divorce is just one of those things invented for people who wake up one day and realize this. It's a measure of sanity. Take it and run.
Thanks. I could've been more specific, but it's only a common-law kind of marriage anyway. I gave up ten years to a rotten relationship already and I just don't want to relive it again, but I also don't like giving up. Toxic =perfect word
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