What do you do when another Hubber offends you?

1. 75

   Mom Katposted 12 years ago

   This has happened to me a few times.  I'll leave a comment or give an answer in the Q&A section... and I will get attacked (for lack of a better word) by some other Hubber who has a different point of view or belief than I do.
   
   It hurts, I mean hurts.  There I am trying to be a good participant with my fellow Hubbers and WHAM - I get my heart yanked out and stepped on.
   
   I'm not trying to stir up any trouble or drama.  I would really like to know how to handle this.
   
   It just happened a little while ago, again, in the Q&A where what the other person said nearly brought me to tears with their venom against what I had written as my answer.  Just before that someone had commented on how good of an answer it was & how they couldn't have said it better themselves...
   
   I really do try to keep the etiquette & peace.  I'm not out to make enemies here. 
   
   Has this ever happened to you?  What do you do?  What should you do?

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      A Troubled Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I think that anyone who decides they want to be writer must first understand there are eventually going to be scathing words in their direction, one way or another. And, if they feel they can't handle it, perhaps should rethink their decision to be writers.
      
      I suppose it could be somewhat equated to those who wish to become doctors or nurses, but faint at the sight of blood.

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         Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         I can handle constructive criticism and not so constructive criticism on my writing style and skills.  That isn't what I'm talking about here. 
         
         I know I was meant to be a writer. I've never doubted that.  It's the immature jabs others take or hostile responses that I need to grow a thicker skin on when dealing with a difference of opinion of viewpoints or beliefs. 
         
         I do appreciate your insight though, thanks for sharing it with us.

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      2. 75

         Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Here's an example, just to clear things up...
         (made up scenario so as not to directly attack or offend anyone)
         JimBob asks the question: "What do you think is the best way to re-pot a houseplant?"
         
         SillySally answers: My personal experience is to let the soil of the first plant get pretty dry, have a larger pot on hand and some extra potting soil, then fill some of the bottom up of the larger pot, put the plant with original soil in, and fill in around it with more fresh soil.
         
         JimBob comments on SillySally's answer:  That's so stupid! You're going to kill your plant if you let it dry out before you put it into a new pot.
         
         Now, there is a difference of opinion, yes.  But for JimBob to say it is stupid is rude and immature.  He has attacked SillySally who was simply sharing what she knows and was trying to be helpful.
         
         Again, this was just a made up example.

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            A Troubled Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I totally get that. And, you're right, JimBob was not only rude an immature, but shows that he has some issues with letting plants dry out.
            
            That is exactly the kind of feedback people will offer but it will all be just water off a ducks back for any writer. So, if we know to expect those kind of remarks, we can merely laugh them off when they present themselves and not let our emotions get involved because that's exactly what they want to accomplish.

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      John Sarkisposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      It happens, but you're right in saying that it hurts our ego and causes us to second guess ourselves, which isn't necessarly a bad thing - we learn from these lessons!

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2. 74

   Shanna11posted 12 years ago

   I cried once (burst into tears in a dramatic teenage fashion) at what another Hubber said and I was angry about it for a few days, but I got over it. It really did hurt, because it was completely out of line, but I just figured some people will be stupid and you can't do anything about it. Now I just make sure I stay off the internet when I'm in a bad mood, so bad situations are not exacerbated. And then I make sure my responses are fairly neutral. Basically, I don't have thick enough skin to handle some things, so I avoid the situations that require thicker skin than mine,
   
   I still don't like that Hubber, but luckily he stays off the boards so there's not really a large chance of running into him. And he did get a forum ban for a day because of it.... so that helped.

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      Barbara Kayposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I had this happen in a forum. There have been a few people that enjoy stirring up trouble in the forums, but they are usually suspended from them for a certain time.
      
      I just didn't respond to the person and tried to ignore it. It did get to me though. Some people like to argue and cause trouble. I think it is a form of entertainment for them. The best thing to do is ignore them.

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   2. 75

      Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      See, that's like me.  Not a very thick skinned person. 
      I never understood why or how people would take pleasure in hurting others.  It just doesn't seem right.
      After today's comment I told my hubby that I wasn't sure I wanted to answer any more questions in the Q&A section.  I had to fight back the tears.
      He tried to be encouraging, but I think it's going to stay a tender spot for at least a day or two.

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3. 76

   Mighty Momposted 12 years ago

   I think this has happened to all of us at one time or another.
   I'm sorry this happened to you and am glad you brought it up so you can get support.  You are a valued member of HP. And you are not alone!
   
   A couple of points.
   1. Just because someone has an account with Hub Pages does not mean they are good, kind or even sane. Some people here really have screws loose, as well as an agenda (that does not necessarily include writing hubs).
   They get their rocks off on little power trips against other hubbers. They are bullies.
   And they push the envelope because it's anonymous here. Sick.
   As my mom always told me, "Consider the source."
   2. If the attack is personal -- at you, rather than at your answer -- or if you feel it might violate terms of service, report the person.
   
   I know it hurts, but remember, you are the biggers person.
   MM

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   1. 75

      Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I really appreciate this & you Mighty Mom.
      
      I know I can be overly sensitive at times & that some people don't want to see or hear anything new or different from what they know (or think they know) already.
      
      I need to get better at walking away & letting it go.  The people who do these offensive things aren't worth all of the energy involved in getting upset or hurt.  It's better to save that energy for people who bring out positive feelings instead.

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4. 83

   rebekahELLEposted 12 years ago

   I think it's easy to misinterpret what someone says or infers online.  I read the question & answer I believe you're referring to, and I didn't see the response as venomous at all.  It's simply another viewpoint.  When I first joined HP and ventured into the forums, I was so upset by something another hubber said, I had to leave the computer and go clean the pool.  Over time here, I've learned that if something someone 'says' offends me, I'm taking it too personally.  Nothing others do or say is because of you or me.  It's simply a projection of their own reality.  We all do it because we see things with our own perception.  It's the only way we can see our world.  I can't see it from your personal view, only from my perception of what I think you mean.  Does that make sense?

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      Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      it makes wonderful sense, yes... thank you.

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         Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Aside from the Q&A from today... there was another one a few weeks ago where I happened to be the first one to answer & the person who had posed the questioned attacked it quite rudely.
         Nearly every other answer contained an "I agree with Mom Kat" or "Mom Kat was right"....
         I think they all felt that the response from the poster was uncalled for.
         I really appreciated the support from the others. 
         I don't feel so overly sensitive when that many other Hubbers feel like they needed to defend what I had written & the way it was responded to.

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            cclitgirlposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            There will always be other people with other viewpoints but when they attack you, it cuts to the quick.  I've come to realize that in the world of writing, people will come along with different viewpoints and they won't always be nice about it. 
            While it's so hard to remember, it's important to keep in mind that whoever says something to you doesn't know you personally.  It has helped me to treat this more like a business and in business, you can't take things personally. 
            That being said, I think it's rude for people to go to your Q&A and vote down an answer and attack anyone.  If it's a personal attack, report the person.  HP is good about suspending people that are out of line.  If it's another point of view, walk away and ignore it for awhile.  Then, when you're ready, you can go back and either respond or choose not to.  You are the one who is in control. 

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5. 58

   Taurus2posted 12 years ago

   If a website is really serious about user experience, then .... these things should not have happened. HubPages is simply very serious about user experience. That is why you had the tears and were upset for several days.

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      Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      This is a great place Taurus 2.  For the most part I have found the community to be very encouraging of one another & friendly.  There are just those few who like to get a reaction or cause a reaction through negativity that tarnish an otherwise wonderful experience.

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         Taurus2posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         That is why I said that HubPages is simply very serious about user experience. They know who are the people that create problems. And they take actions against them.

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6. 0

   Motown2Chitownposted 12 years ago

   Mom Kat,  I can totally understand where you're coming from.  I've never been made to cry, but my feelings have been hurt, I've been offended a few times, and I've even been pissed off.  BUT...I understand myself and know that I can be oversensitive at times.  I know when it's best to stay away, and when I'm feeling pretty well armored up.    Believe it or not, some of the folks who ruffled my feathers the most when I first came around are now people I really enjoy interacting with.  Shanna's advice is excellent and MM is a genius. 
   
   One thing I've learned is how to tailor my response to the specific person and how to be a lot more diplomatic in my own responses.
   
   Take care!  I love having you around here and think you're a very positive person with great things to contribute to this community!

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   1. 75

      Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Don't forget about yourself - you're pretty awesome too
      
      There are a few people here who I have figured out are fun button pushers or that like to play "devil's advocate" that don't offend & I do enjoy. 
      
      What I think it boils down to is the state of the relationship between Hubbers.  If you've never interacted with someone a comment can be quickly taken out of context; whereas if you've built a repore with someone, they have a better grasp of your personality & style.
      
      Thank you so, so much for your advice, support, & kind words.

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         Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Getting to know one another does help.  A lot.
         
         And thank you for your kind words, my dear.  I appreciate the sentiment.
         
         

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      cclitgirlposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Oh man, Motown, lol, I just read a hub about "hypersensitivity" - crikes.  I think I'm one of THOSE people.  lol.  Oh well...I just gotta remember to "treat this like a business" 

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7. 60

   cepheidposted 12 years ago

   Welcome to the internet!
   
   But seriously, don't mind them.

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8. 89

   innerspinposted 12 years ago

   Mom Kat, I'm so sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. I recently posted a question late evening and went to bed. Next day there were several replies, which were interesting. Then a hubber, who had taken exception to the way I phrased the question, posted that I'd chosen one word incorrectly, and made quite a thing about it.That was okay, I found it quite amusing. The next two sentences degenerated into a rant with a couple of insults. Before I read the comment, five or six other hubbers had commented that he was out of order in his tone, one said if there was any way to flag his remarks she would have. She actually sounded more upset than me.  Sadly, I accidently deleted her response. After having a think, I emailed hubpages to ask them if they could have a quick look, as I'd like their opinion. They removed the answer and it's comments fairly swiftly. The hubber came back, commenting under someone else's answer, saying I was a coward for deleting his answer. So I posted, quite honestly, I didn't delete anything, you were moderated, get over it.
   My reason for emailing hubpages rather than deleting his response was, I couldn't know if he does this kind of thing frequently. The team would know. If I had responded to him, he'd have got a kick out of it. And it seemed obvious he had upset other hubbers, because of the comments. Each situation is different, but it's not right that another hubber can get away with upsetting people. I enjoy reading your questions, answers, and comments. Please don't be put off by what happened. You have many fans.

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      Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      that is a wonderful story.  Thank you for sharing it with me & thank you for your encouragement & support.  I really do appreciate it, and you

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9. 62

   pisean282311posted 12 years ago

   i understand ...generally i participate lot in forums and  time and again get people who are rude ...initially i used to get upset at times...but with 0.2 million users , no one knows what that rude person has gone through in his/her life...it is their way of seeing things and their opinion...now it no more matters to me because may be their way of expressing opinion might be rude but in end it is mere opinion...

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      Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I do try to be understanding of this.  I try to tell myself that the person is lashing out because of something they are having difficulty with.  Sometimes I can take it, other times they hit just the right nerve and I can't stop myself from being hurt or offended.  I've been through my own share of difficulties and I don't go around treating others this way... I know, they aren't me & I can't hold them to the same standards (but it would be nice if I could)

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10. 76

    Shadesbreathposted 12 years ago

    Thick skin is the best answer. Not everyone is as delicate with their language as some people would like. That doesn't necessarily make what they say an attack. (I haven't read the exchange you're talking about, so I have no idea where that falls on the spectrum; I'm speaking generally here.)
    
    If someone is attacking you, calling you names or whatever, well, that's different. If they are going after your idea, it can be useful to have a look at what they are saying, even if they don't say it in an especially gentle way. A lot of men in particular are less inclined to tippy-toe around ideas, and when they see an idea that seems broken, will simply roll up their sleeves and try to fix that idea, or straighten it out, etc. (There are some brutally direct women on HP too, however, so nobody needs to get all aflutter about that.)
    
    It's important to not inject malice into a dissenting opinion. Without body language and vocal pitch and all those other things, it is easy to read something as being aggressive simply because it contradicts us. Nobody likes to be told that they are wrong (whether they are wrong or not).
    
    Thick skin is not only useful for preventing bad feelings, it can actually be an opportunity to learn something new, or at the very least, see how the opposition thinks, even if, in the end, you still think your detractor has a totally invalid point.

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       Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Great answer, Shades.
       
       Where were you 2 hours ago?  Man, I could have used that sort of reason. 
       
       

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11. 76

    Mighty Momposted 12 years ago

    Out of life's school of war: What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. --Friedrich Nietzsche

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       Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Oh Lord MM, I should be a freakin' diamond by now .... lol   

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12. 60

    paradigmsearchposted 12 years ago

    "What do you do when another Hubber offends you?"
    .
    
    And that's the name of that tune...

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13. 61

    janesixposted 12 years ago

    I eat them.

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       paradigmsearchposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Long time, no see.

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          janesixposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          four long weeks....

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             paradigmsearchposted 12 years agoin reply to this

             Did you get yourself in trouble with HP again...

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                janesixposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                me? never...

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       Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       will you be writing a recipe hub on how to best prepare them?

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          janesixposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          good idea

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             paradigmsearchposted 12 years agoin reply to this

             Don't forget to include garlic salt.

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                janesixposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                I use garlic salt on everything,who doesn't?

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       Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       

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14. 78

    bridalletterposted 12 years ago

    Not that this will justify what hateful words some people respond with, but i have noticed very specific subjects get those responses. Politics is a big one right now. I am a political junkie, i can watch for hours, but i would not talk about it on here or anywhere else online. The point, avoid the subject matter that elicits strong opinions. It least you won't have to subject yourself to that again.

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    1. 75

       Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I'm not big on politics.  I avoid it because I know I'm uneducated on the subject
       Mainly I just stick to what I know, which I never thought was one of those dangerously emotional topics.... but I guess there are always a few in every subject category. 
       Thanks bridalletter.  I appreciate your insight & in taking the time to join us here with your wisdom.

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15. 63

    Liz-reviewsposted 12 years ago

    Hi Mom Kat
    You post very interesting Hubs and clearly your part of the Hubbing community because you seek others advise and take the time to respond to other Hubbers. If people have ignorant responses, just remember you are doing things in the true community spirit and move on. Who knows maybe those comments will give you inspiration for a Great Hub!
    Cheers
    Liz

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    1. 75

       Mom Katposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       You are so awesome!  Thank you so much.  That really means a lot to me.  I'm sending you hug thoughts right now

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16. 61

    yukiteddyposted 12 years ago

    ye su'r kinda right i'm new here but have experienced it a lot of time and now those very people who offended  me  r my very good friends know how ??????? i just admitted my mistake and thanked them for correcting me

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17. 74

    shampa sadhyaposted 12 years ago

    Once I wrote a hub on Swami Vivekananda. A hubber passed a derogatory comment about Swamiji. I felt extremely bad about one thing that a person may not admire somebody but has no right to pass a shameful comment and hurt my sentiment. I did not praise a criminal but a world famous saint.
    
    Well, I did not give up but interacted with him in the comment's section in a quite authoritative language. Later he stopped interacting. After that I have not come across his comments in any of my article and I am quite happy with it. I always believe that everyone's view may not match but in such a case one must present his different opinion in a very polite language or ignore the subject matter altogether. There is no need to insult a person. I don't know what happened to that man but not commenting on my article is quite appreciable.

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18. 76

    imatellmuvaposted 12 years ago

    It seems at times you have to join the forums with your sleeves rolled up,  but of course it should never be that way. I do believe that the responses by some Hubbers are absent of ill-intent. HOWEVER there are times when the responses are blatantly disrespectful. I can and have gone toe-to-toe with a few people, but I would rather not.
    
    Hang in there!!

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