Would someone please proof-read my article

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  1. k@ri profile image86
    k@riposted 6 years ago

    Hi everyone,  would you please proof-read my article, "Operating Room Nursing: What Does A Circulator Do?".  If you would like to supply editing help, criticism, and/or comment, I would love to have them!  Here is the link:
    https://hubpages.com/business/Operating … irculator/

    1. manatita44 profile image73
      manatita44posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I had a very brief look, k@ri.

      I can help about 10:00 p.m UK time. If you are in America, then for most places, we are 5 hours ahead. Much Love. -Manatita

      1. k@ri profile image86
        k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

        Thanks Manatita!

        1. manatita44 profile image73
          manatita44posted 6 years agoin reply to this

          Hi K@ri.
          It is always better to start any story or Hub by easing into it. Do like Linda starts her recipes or Billybuc writes. Here’s a simple example below:
          “An operating room can seem quite messy if not organised well; so I’ll like to tell you about the Circulating nurse, the person responsible for making the whole thing cohesive; to flow as a Unit should.”
          “The circulating nurse is a strong patient advocate. She/he is an infection control specialist. The circulating room nurse is a safety expert. She/he is a jack-of-all-trades and a master of many. Circulators are strong-willed but adaptable.”
          Definitions can appear too many, if they do not flow well. Have a look at the above paragraph, then look at my version below:
          “The circulating nurse is - amongst many other things - a strong patient advocate, an infection control specialist and a safety expert. Circulators are strong-willed but adaptable.”
          Patient Advocacy is Essential (Remove)
          You’ve switched to ‘her’, so keep it that way. Tidier than she/he. Say ‘the’ patients and not ‘our’ patients.
          Counting what? Closing what? Never assume that the public know! I see so many nurses asking difficult questions. Do you take anti-coagulants? Do you have any cardiac or renal problems? What does that mean to the lay person? I know you haven’t ask this. Just giving examples.
          Stick to ‘she.’ Do not switch to ‘you.’ No need to change tense. You were speaking about the person; now you are speaking to me.
          If you mean more than one scrub, say ‘scrub nurses/personnel.’ Then your ‘Their’ later on becomes correct. If it’s one person, then stay with ‘her.’
          Have a look at this with changes:
          “The scrub personnel are on the front line whenever something is missing or incorrect. Many times they can act as a buffer between the Circulating nurse and the surgeon. It is imperative that the Circulator can work with her scrub colleagues, as they are both the core of the team.” Is that what you are trying to say?
          In Patient Assessment, you are switching again. Make the story about you or the circulator in the second or third person and stick to it.
          Say ‘pre-operative and explain PACU and OR. Then you can put them in brackets and use later without further explanation.
          I have stopped and not finished. Most of your mistakes relates to what I have said, but you have written a very decent Hub. Your grammar is pretty good but be careful with switching persons. Some places it can be done but approached differently. I saw one long paragraph, where you used three or four short sentences, when one would do. Summarize at the end. Much Love.

          1. Venkatachari M profile image84
            Venkatachari Mposted 6 years agoin reply to this

            Manatita and K@ri,
            This is a good review of the article suggesting some important amendments and improvements so as to make it more informative and appealing to the readers. K@ri has provided a very useful information in this article about the working and importance of nurses and Circulators in the operation rooms for the help of patients and their attendants during the hospitalization periods.

            1. k@ri profile image86
              k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

              Thank you Venkatachari for reading this article and providing feedback!

          2. k@ri profile image86
            k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

            Manatita, Thank you for the suggestions and comments.  I understand what you are saying about easing into it.  I will keep this in mind.  I have heard other people say that if your title is a question, you should answer in the first paragraph to increase the odds of google picking it up.  But I do think it would flow better with an intro.  I hate all the he/shes in the article, but so many nurses are men now and they get insulted if it is just she.  I see what you mean about switching, which I did often in this article.  I tried to clean that up a bit, but I guess not enough, lol.  Again thank you so much!! smile

    2. TessSchlesinger profile image60
      TessSchlesingerposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Kari, outstanding and very informative article. I did find some jargon at the beginning that puzzled me, but further down it was explained. It might be an idea, for example, to explain what the count means before you use the word

      1. k@ri profile image86
        k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

        Tess, Good idea, I'll have to check this.  Sometimes jargon is so natural for the people who use it, we forget other people don't speak it, lol.  Thanks for reading and the good criticism!  smile

    3. Rochelle Frank profile image91
      Rochelle Frankposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I also thought the article was very interesting, but think you should define "time out"  a little earlier -- when you first mention it. It might mean something different to people who are more familiar with a classroom than they are with an operating room.
      The use of "he/she" and "him/her" is a little annoying, but I understand your reasons and I'm not sure there is an easy way around this. Seems that there are more men in nursing than there used to be.
      I did find an Oxford comma early in the article. Personally, I don't find this offensive, but then I also don't consider myself an editor. I only became aware of this punctuation pecadillo recently, probably because my English teacher was a newspaperman and followed AP style.
      Thanks for giving us a peek into a place that many of have visited but have never seen.
      I see that this has been moved to a niche site, so there can't be much wrong here.

      1. k@ri profile image86
        k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

        Rochelle, Thanks for the head's up.  I will look at that.  To most of the world, time out means putting someone in a corner, lol.  I find all the he/she, him/her annoying also, but I have been told it is incorrect to put "their" in that place. Thanks again.

    4. TIMETRAVELER2 profile image84
      TIMETRAVELER2posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I scanned your article, and here is what I saw:

      You write extremely well, which is a big plus.
      Your title is incorrect.  It should be something on the order of "What Does a Circulating Nurse Do".  When I saw the word "Circulator", I thought it was a piece of equipment.  Titles should always be specific to the content they represent.
      The piece is far too long, as are some of the text capsules.
      Internet readers like it short and sweet or you will lose their attention.
      You can easily break this hub up into several different articles.
      Also, some of your photos are not sourced and your videos don't quite match your topic.  I'd rather see one video that follows the day of a "circulator".  That would be much more interesting.
      I think if you break this hub up into sections, focus each one on a different area of circulator duties and put more appropriate videos in place, you'll have a bunch of winners.

      Most people have no idea about what goes on in hospitals, so I suspect there will be a lot of interest in your area of expertise.

      Good luck!

      1. k@ri profile image86
        k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

        TIMETRAVELER2, Thank you so much for you comments!  I see what you mean about the title.  This article was written with nurses in mind as the audience.  I agree some of the text capsules are long, but was at odds on how to break them up.  Also, I read that longer articles are doing better in google search now-a-days.  I did not find any videos that follow the circulator all day.  I doubt if there are any as it would break HIPPA laws.  I thought the videos were appropriate to the tasks, but I'm a nurse so it is good to have the viewpoint of the lay person.  I will be writing more of these articles, and I will keep all of this in mind.  Again, thank you very much for the constructive criticism!!!  smile

        1. TIMETRAVELER2 profile image84
          TIMETRAVELER2posted 6 years agoin reply to this

          There are a number of ways you could reduce the length of this article and create smaller more user friendly articles from them.  It is true that longer articles do better, but one of the reasons is that with more words there are more key words that help people find the articles, so I guess you have to pick and choose.

          You could write about the training you have to have, you could write about what happens in the OR, what happens with colleagues, what happens with patients, etc...each as its own hub.

          I believe that more than 1500 or so words in a hub tends to lose the reader, but that number may have changed.

          As for the videos, I see your point, but I'm betting there is something on YouTube that would be more specific.  I just looked under "circulating nurse" and in less than 30 seconds found at least 6 that would work.

          1. k@ri profile image86
            k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

            TIMETRAVELER2, I plan to continue writing about the operating room nurse.  I am going to write how to become one, and probably go into more detail about the responsibilities.  I also want to write something about the relationships you develop.  There are so many different ways to write about nursing.  Thank you for the suggestion!   I will take a look on youtube again.  I try to keep my videos fairly short.  I have a hard time watching long videos, lol.  Thanks again!!

            1. TIMETRAVELER2 profile image84
              TIMETRAVELER2posted 6 years agoin reply to this

              Sounds like a plan.  Good luck!

  2. theraggededge profile image97
    theraggededgeposted 6 years ago

    I'm British, and we don't often use the Oxford comma despite its name. However, I'm a convert. Not sure why anyone would be offended by a little comma big_smile Especially when it clears up ambiguity.

    I tend to use s/he to cover both pronouns. Not pretty, but neater than she/he.

    That second paragraph could be broken down to bullet points to make it more readable. In fact, you could make more use of bullet points right through the article.

    I don't like subheadings for images and videos. They are untidy. Use the caption box to add any necessary info regarding the image.

    You have a nice writing style. Very informative and interesting.

    1. k@ri profile image86
      k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      theraggededge, Thank you very much for reading and commenting.  I really like that s/he, I will be using this from now on.  You are also right about the bullet points.  I don't know why I didn't think of that!  I guess I need to rethink how I'm doing my videos and photos.  I had thought I read that you should put something in the heading box, not just the caption.  Thank you so much for the constructive criticism.  I will take it to heart.  smile

  3. Rupert Taylor profile image95
    Rupert Taylorposted 6 years ago

    Hi Kari

    I have noticed a few minor issues.

    One of the circulator's most important job - should be jobs

    we may count 3... and... Circulators usually get about 5 minutes - correct style is to spell out single digits

    Their role is equally (insert as) important as the circulator's.

    It is a requisite that yo - prerequisite

    We do take report(s) and (about what) the other nurses, surgeon, and assistants tell us about the patient.

    pick up her 5 year old son from school - five-year-old

    post-operatively is to not cook - post-operative patient

    and the PACU nurse, we put all this in place and everything turned out well. - PACU? Spell out a title in first use and put abbreviation in brackets.

    your feet and prioritizing is so important when (delete when) for a circulating nurse.

    getting the OR room ready may differ. OR or operating room, not OR room.

    he "always does it this way." Sometimes you place period or comma outside quote marks. You need to be consistent. My preference is inside quotes marks, but it's a free world - at least in some places.

    I have to run now. I hope these help.

    1. k@ri profile image86
      k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Rupert, Thank you so much for taking time to read and comment!  I see I will need to fix some of these things.  I know the spell out single digits rule, I guess I missed those proofreading myself.  This is why it is so helpful to have extra eyes on it.  That period should have been outside the quotation marks, thank you!  I don't know why, but we nurses consider OR without the included room to mean the entire unit.  If we mean a certain room we will say OR room.  LOL, I see how this is confusing.  Thanks again!!  smile

  4. Marisa Wright profile image84
    Marisa Wrightposted 6 years ago

    I disagree strongly with Manatita's advice to "ease into it". 

    When you are writing online, you have less than 30 seconds to convince your reader it's worth reading your Hub.  If you fail, they'll click back to Google and try another article.   So, when writing online, the rule is to cut to the chase. Your first few sentences, or your first image, must say to your reader "I can give you the answer to your question or the solution to your problem". 

    Your first step should be to ask yourself, "who would find this article useful?"   I'm guessing it might be someone contemplating a career in nursing, or someone training for a nursing career who's looking into the various options available.  So I think you've started in exactly the right way, because you're telling them what they want to know.

    Assuming I'm right in identifying the audience, I think you need to tweak the article in places, to suit that audience.  For instance, the poll seems to be addressed to someone who's already a circulating nurse - and I'd have to ask, why would they be reading the article?

    Length - 1,500 words is often quoted as the "ideal" length for a Hub.  Although some people have reported going up to 2,500 words is even better, I think most readers' eyes would have glazed over long before then.  I haven't checked your word count, but I'd say you could usefully break it into more Hubs.  However, don't just split it down the middle and call it Part 1 and Part 2 - that never works on HubPages.  See if you can identify two or three different sub-topics and split it that way.

    As for using 'they' instead of 'he' or 'she' - there are some traditionalists who are still fighting against it, but it is fairly well accepted now.  https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/gramm … e-singular

    1. k@ri profile image86
      k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you, Marisa!!  I had thought the idea was to cut to the chase, especially when the title is a question.  I think HubPages doesn't like "they" instead of he/she.  I would much rather use they, lol.  I think he/she looks messy.  theraggededge gave me the suggestion of s/he and I like that much better.  I left out so many responsibilities of the circulator that I will be writing more of these.  I will keep the word count in mind, it makes sense to me.  This one I'm going to leave.  I was offered to move it to HealDove after I cleaned it up and resubmitted it, but while I was doing that it was moved to ToughNickle.  I don't like to do any major edits after it is on a niche site.  Thank you so much for your suggestions and comments!  smile

  5. Marsei profile image89
    Marseiposted 6 years ago

    Here are a few things I found, glancing thru the very beginning.  I think it's interesting.  See following:

    One of the circulator's most important Job[s].  (Job should be plural)
    I would explain why you do the counting, some may not know.
    Time-out as a noun has a hyphen.
    "six constants," I call them 
    I had to stop proofing as I'm at work.  Good luck!

    1. k@ri profile image86
      k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Marsei!  I need to get in there and fix that jobs, you are not the only one who has mentioned it.  Hyphening Time-out is a good idea.  And I really need to go spell out the numbers.  I really appreciate you taking time to look at this and comment!!  smile


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