A few chuckles to brighten up a rainy weekend!

1. 86

   Zsuzsy Beeposted 14 years ago

   Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
   
   His parents had tried everything....Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
   
   Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
   
   His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time,
   day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
   
   Finally , little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no Longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
   'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'
   
   Little Zachary looked at her and said,'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign,
   I knew they weren't fooling around.'

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2. 65

   kmackey32posted 14 years ago

   LOL, thats a funny one.

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3. 90

   RedElfposted 14 years ago

   Thanks for the chuckle - will be back with a few to share. Hope your weather clears. After much unsettled cloud and wind, ours is great today. Yay!

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4. 0

   ralwusposted 14 years ago

   That's a good one. Haha Rain and storms are pretty much done here for the day. I think we got bout 3 inches of rain yesterday.
   
   A guy walked into a restaurant with an Ostrich in tow and ordered a burger and fries. The Ostrich gave the same order. When he was given his check it was $9.48. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change and payed for it and left.
   This scenario played out for a week and each day it was a different meal but with the same account as the man reached into his pocket to pull out the exact change. The Ostrich would aways have the same thing.
   This was just too much for the waitress and finally the last day they came in for a steak dinner she asked him, "How is it that you always have the exact change to pay your check when I give it to you?"
   "Well." he replied, "I found this old lamp and it had a genie in it who granted my wish of making certain I would always have the correct amount in my pocket when I buy something."
   "Wow! That's great." She answered him. "Now what about the Ostrich?"
   "Oh, her. Well I also wished for a chick with a big butt and long legs who would always agree with me."

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   1. 83

      RooBeeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      One of my favorites!!!!

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      1. 0

         ralwusposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Oh Darn! You heard it. LOL

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5. 61

   lxxyposted 14 years ago

   A boy sets off to go doing boy things, with a roll of chicken wire in his hands. A nosey older neighbor who was whittling on his porch piped up as the boy passed him.
   
   "What do you have in your hands there, boy?"
   
   "Chickenwire," the boy replied.
   
   "And jez what are ya ta do with that?"
   
   "Catch me some chickens!"
   
   The neighbor laughed at such a thought, but wished the boy good luck.
   
   Sun came down and sure enough, the kid came back with several chickens in tow caught in the wire.
   
   The next day, the kid walked the same path with duct tape in his hands.
   
   "What are you off ta do today, boy?"
   
   "I'm going to catch me some ducks!"
   
   "Silly boy," the neighbor said. "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
   
   Well, the sun set once again and the boy passed by his neighbor with several ducks in tow.
   
   The third day the boy walked by his neighbor with an odd plant in his hands.
   
   "What ya got in your hand now, boy?"
   
   "A pussywillow."
   
   "Hold up, lemme grab my hat, I'm comin' with ya!"

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6. 83

   RooBeeposted 14 years ago

   It's still raining here - has been on & off (mostly on) for weeks so I'm stuck inside & am game for some giggles.
   
   A young guy and an older fella sitting in a bar get into it a bit, exchanging insults. The older one yells, "I slept with your mom" to the other. He gets little reaction and so, after a hefty swig, bellows, "I SLEPT with your MOTHER!!!!"
   They younger guy finally says, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk."

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7. 83

   RooBeeposted 14 years ago

   Found this one online -
   
   A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
   
   The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
   
   The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

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   1. 60

      curiozitiesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Two New Jersey hunters were driving to their favorite hunting site when they came across a sign that read "Bear Left." 
      
      So they turned around and went home.

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      1. 86

         Zsuzsy Beeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I've never heard that one before ...."Bear left" hahahahaha

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   2. 72

      mythbusterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      If I chuckled at this one, does this mean I am sick? lol

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8. 83

   RooBeeposted 14 years ago

   Zsuzsy Bee - good one!!! You too, lxxy

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9. 0

   ralwusposted 14 years ago

   Oh that's rich! That is so funny! Why was it in NJ? Sounds like a redneck to me.

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   1. 83

      RooBeeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Good question. I copied that one directly from a list I found online - couldn't help it as I thought it was pretty good. If I'd told it, though, I would have chosen another state but wasn't sure if NJ had significance I wasn't aware of.... Must be "insert whichever state you want to insult by insinuating they are dumb here."

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      1. 0

         ralwusposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         It works. LOL Now I must search my Scotch soaked brain for wittiness  and some old jokes I have forgotten about. hic hic I did see a great video today about Abe Lincoln, funny stuff and much foul language, a girl 13 showed it me of all people. Kids! You Tube
         What really happened to Abe Lincoln. fun stuff and so disrespectful and irreverent of our wonderful icon

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   2. 61

      R. Blueposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hey watch it Charlie!!!...It was in Jersey cause dats where da maffia is :-p

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10. 61

    lxxyposted 14 years ago

    Haha...RooBee's last one reminds me of:
    
    A CEO calls his wife up, but gets the house maid. "Hi there," he says. "Is my wife busy?"
    
    The house maid huffs for a second than answers. "Yes sir..I am sorry to say, but I can't lie, she is busy in bed with another man."
    
    The CEO is shocked...but yet, undaunted. "Listen, in the closet underneath the stairs there's a shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot my wife and her mister and I'll make sure you get a nice six figure bonus this year."
    
    The house keeper puts the phone down, he hears far off in the house two shots. She returns back to the phone. "Okay, so what should I do with the bodies?"
    
    "Just throw them into the pool and put the tarp over it for now."
    
    "Right," the house maid says. "What pool?"
    
    "Err...is this 555-5555?"
    
    ;D

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11. 61

    lxxyposted 14 years ago

    ralwus:
    
    A drunk shambles into a catholic church late at night smelling of scotch. He strolls over towards the confession booth and a priest approaches him. "Sir, it is after hours.."
    
    The drunk points at the confession booth, nearly stumbling over. "I HALF A CON FISSION TO MAKE!"
    
    The priest had seen a man who could not hold his drink before, and decided the easiest way to play this out was to humor him. "Okay my child, have a seat." He helps the drunk get into the booth and waits for him to begin as he seats himself on the other side.
    
    Moments pass....
    
    The priests begins to become impatient. "Are you alright, my child?"
    
    "Hey, is there toilet paper on your side?!"

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12. 0

    ralwusposted 14 years ago

    Like I said before. weird and wonderful and funny too.

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13. 61

    lxxyposted 14 years ago

    I only fear the Scottish Mafia.

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    1. 0

       ralwusposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       they should pay for that one. LOl

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14. 61

    lxxyposted 14 years ago

    Haha, quite possibly. ;D I enjoy dekonstrukting viral marketing, and using it for my own needs--hopefully it will help people awake to the B.S. foisted on them in an effort to look "normal."
    
    For example:
    
    http://www.theresponsibilityproject.org
    
    BEE. ESS.

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    1. 0

       ralwusposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Sorry ixxy, it dint work. I just hate to leave. but better things are ahead for tonight  and I must prepare

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       1. 61

          lxxyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          It's okay ralwus, I wasn't here to distract you.
          
          And thanks k@ri!

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15. 85

    k@riposted 14 years ago

    Zsuzsy, ralwus, RooBee, & lxxy,
    
    Thanks for the wonderful laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh!
    
    

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16. 86

    Zsuzsy Beeposted 14 years ago

    ...chicken wire & duck tape hahahah too funny
    
    Great stuff guys keep the 'chucklers' coming as it's still raining and gloomy out. I need cheering up

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    1. 61

       lxxyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       *hugs*
       
       Okay....
       
       ...actually, no. I don't have anything but the most long winded.
       
       I may suggest: http://www.failblog.org or... Ask a Ninja!
       
       My favorite Ask a Ninja: Pirates of the Caribbean Review

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       1. 86

          Zsuzsy Beeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Thanks I'll check them out.

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17. 86

    Zsuzsy Beeposted 14 years ago

    Here are a couple more
    
    
    Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a  baby with blond hair?
    They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
    
    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.
    
    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.
    
    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
    
    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
    
    What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
    A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

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18. 59

    Pete Maidaposted 14 years ago

    We got some good ones here.  Let me add one that I saw recently.
    
    A man walks into the bedroom holding a sheep under his arm.  The man says, "Dear this is the cow that I have sex with when you have a headache."
    The womans says, "If you weren't so stupid you would know that is a sheep and not a cow."
    The man says, "If you weren't such a self centered bitch you would know I was talking to the sheep."

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19. 86

    Zsuzsy Beeposted 14 years ago

    Pete that's sooooo bad but funny

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