I would like feedback on an article

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  1. k@ri profile image88
    k@riposted 7 months ago

    Hi Everyone, I would like you all to give me some feedback on this article.  If you could also proof read it, I would be very happy.  I want to submit it to Letterpile, but I need an extra set of eyes first.  Thank you all in advance!

  2. k@ri profile image88
    k@riposted 7 months ago

    Seems I forgot the link.  Here it is:

    Lies Hurt

  3. theraggededge profile image99
    theraggededgeposted 7 months ago

    I think it's an excellent contender for LetterPile smile

    1. k@ri profile image88
      k@riposted 7 months agoin reply to this

      Thank you!

  4. DrMark1961 profile image99
    DrMark1961posted 7 months ago

    Kari, the only thing I noticed was the bio. It is not appropriate to the topic, which is why HP provides us with the ability to write so many bios. If I am publishing a hub about my horses I am not going to include a bio about my work with aggressive dogs, right? You might want to change that.

    1. k@ri profile image88
      k@riposted 7 months agoin reply to this

      Thank you DrMark!  I will.  smile

  5. Rochelle Frank profile image95
    Rochelle Frankposted 7 months ago

    I am not a good editor, as I tend to get drawn into the story and skip the mechanics.  I did notice one little glitch:
    You wrote: "Tonia became friends with Lori, than fell for Lori’s husband." You may have meant to say "then" instead of "than".
    I think your article may help others with similar experiences to examine their own reactions and responses.

    1. k@ri profile image88
      k@riposted 7 months agoin reply to this

      You are exactly correct, Rochelle.  I did mean then.  Thank you so much for catching this!  smile

  6. Kenna McHugh profile image87
    Kenna McHughposted 7 months ago

    You have a good story here but you need to go through and edit it some more. Read it out loud and make corrects. Take a break, come back and do it again. You are on the right track, but it just needs more work. : )

    1. k@ri profile image88
      k@riposted 7 months agoin reply to this

      I will do as you recommend, Kenna.  Thank you for reading and leaving feedback!  smile

  7. MizBejabbers profile image92
    MizBejabbersposted 7 months ago

    Your first four paragraphs are a little abstract to the reader. For instance I had to go back and reference "started this job".
    I would like to see an explanation of the sentence concerning the snide comments at the beginning of their friendship. Why? What is it about Lori that caused the comments? Was she always unloading on someone at the office? The writing became more informational as the story progressed. It's like when the dam burst, so did the information.

    I didn't proofread it  because of lack of time, but I hope this helps.

  8. k@ri profile image88
    k@riposted 7 months ago

    This does help.  Thank you very much for taking the time to read it and comment.  The truth is I never figured out why they said those things about her.  I am very clueless in many ways, and do not understand people very well.  Thanks again, MizBejabbers!

 
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