I'd like feedback on my article: Smoking Cigarettes is Harmful to Health

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   Venkatachari Mposted 7 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process for one of my recently edited articles.
   
   I do not find anything lacking in it or anything spammy. So I request you to please give feedback on my article Smoking Cigarettes is Harmful to Health.
   
   What can I do to improve? Thanks!

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      daydreamsposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      It might be a language issue - it isn't that the English is bad but it is not idiomatic to me as someone from Britain. Although perhaps it is Indian English?
      I can't see anything else it would be.

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         Venkatachari Mposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         True @daydreams. Mine is the Indian English. I think English came to us through Britain many centuries ago. But, our style is a mixture of all.
         But, being out of touch, I was unable to develop my language until my retirement. I had been an Accountant. Only after 2012, I started writing essays and articles in English.
         Thanks for your comment.

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      peachpurpleposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      to be honest, your hub tells it all. No mistakes and very informative, Maybe you need to share at social medias

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         Venkatachari Mposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you, @peachpurple. Let me try to improve the language as suggested by Gregory. Thereafter, I will share it on social media platforms.

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      PegCole17posted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Hello Venkatachari M,
      You've picked an important topic to write about. May I ask a personal question? Have you ever smoked? If you have, then, you must know the difficulties of quitting such an addictive habit. I would add some personal insight into how you did it. For example. . .
      
      "It's tough to quit. I know, because I quit the habit after xx years. Here are some tips that helped me."
      
      Your opening sentence, "I do not want to hurt the sentiments of people or degrade them. I, simply, want to bring forth awareness in them regarding the dangers and the bad consequences of cigarette smoking," could be improved with something to intrigue a reader in place of a disclaimer. Perhaps something like this from your own text.
      
      "Did you know that a burning cigarette produces over five thousand chemicals, many of which are extremely poisonous?"
      
      Then progress into other statistics which you have clearly researched thoroughly.
      Since you were an accountant, you could add a chart of costs associated with smoking a pack of cigarettes per day over one year, two years, etc.. It adds up to enough money to go on a luxury vacation in a short time rather than having money go up in smoke.
      
      If you are not a personal smoker or ex-smoker, you might write about the difficulties your son has faced in trying to give up the habit and point out the importance of his doing so. You can summarize your insight with something like this.
      "If not for your own benefit, then, for the benefit of your family and for those who love you. Quit now and be there for them in the long run."
      
      There's no guarantee this will help get your article featured but I hope this will be of some help to you.
      All the best to you. You are a good writer. Keep up the good work.

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         Venkatachari Mposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         That's very nice of you, Peg Cole. I will definitely try to edit it as per your guidelines. Thanks a lot.

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   Gregory DeVictorposted 7 years ago

   Hello Venkatachari:
   
   You wrote:
   
   “Whether it is simply for giving company to a friend or to remove your own mental tensions”
   
   You have a parallelism problem here. You have combined the gerund “giving” with the infinitive “to remove” in the same sentence. You might want to replace “giving” with “to give.”
   
   You wrote:
   
   “Whether it is simply for giving company to a friend or to remove your own mental tensions; or, whether you got attracted by the style of their smoking and began smoking so as to be attracted by your own company of people.”
   
   This is a sentence fragment.
   
   You wrote:
   
   “Outside surrounding places”
   
   The modifiers are in the wrong order.
   
   You wrote:
   
   “Not to sacrifice your life.”
   
   This is a sentence fragment.
   
   You wrote with quotes:
   
   "cigarette smoking is injurious to health" or the other one that tells "tobacco kills".
   
   Transpose the quotation mark and the period.
   
   You wrote:
   
   “It may be tough to make up your mind.
   But you must think of your family members and of your dear and near ones if you love them truly and honestly.”
   
   You might want to rework this passage because the wording is a bit awkward.
   
   I hope that this helps.

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      Venkatachari Mposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you, Gregory. You have provided so many tips to correct my language. Mine is the Indian style (might be old-fashioned).
      I will go through your advice and check the whole article once again. Thanks a lot.

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         Gregory DeVictorposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         Glad I was able to help.

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            Venkatachari Mposted 7 years agoin reply to this

            You are so nice.

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   FatFreddysCatposted 7 years ago

   I hate to be Captain Obvious, but perhaps it's being rejected simply because there are already countless pages of "smoking is bad" information all across the internet??
   
   It's not like this is exactly breaking news. Nobody's going to read this piece and go "Oh my GOD (slaps forehead), cigarettes are BAD for you? I had no idea!"

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      Venkatachari Mposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the mention. But, one can write anything in his own way to add something to the already existing knowledge.
      Please, try to be always positive and contributing something without being indifference to anything that is going on. Who knows you can find one more point to add to that vast ocean of knowledge. Drops make the ocean.

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   peachpurpleposted 7 years ago

   Best of luck, I will help to promote your hub on my social medias

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      Venkatachari Mposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I edited my article as per tips received above. I once again checked the entire hub for grammar and other mistakes. But, couldn't find anything lacking. But, even now, I received the same email from HP that says "Heads UP! Your article could be featured...". They want me to improve it further.
      What should I do?

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   DrMark1961posted 7 years ago

   There still some language issues but I think they have nothing to do with why your hub is not being featured. As Peg Cole pointed out, it just seems too impersonal. All of us know those problems with smoking, so unless you add something (like she suggests) I do not think this is going to be featured.
   
   If this were my article I would want to rewrite it. Start with another title, such as "Why Indians smoke too much, and how you can quit". Not that, of course, but something similar. Rewrite your hub so that the material is appropriate to the title. Use some personal examples to get people interested in the article.
   
   Although the hub is well written and laid out I do not see it being accepted without some serious changes.

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