How come I'm so upset?

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   cindyvineposted 13 years ago

   The yapping dog across the road that has now been yapping for three hours solid doesn't help.  It yaps at least 4-5 nights a week.  Barking at nothing.  I want to kill it, rip it's voicebox out with my bare hands.  But that's not it.  My eldest daughter has informed me that she's going to be having her second abortion.  I understand her reasoning and logic behind it, but for me it is so wrong.  How come I'm so upset?

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      EyesAndEarsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      it's natural to want a grandchild.  you are pre-grieving the loss.

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         Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         For some people.  I don't want any grandchildren for another ten  years at least     I know I'll love them when/if they show up, but especially with my daughter, I don't want to have to worry about her going through a pregnancy and childbirth right now.

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      ralwusposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      The barking dog again? Or is it the daughter's decision that put a wrinkle in your bloomers? Cindy darling, I do know how you feel, but it is her life and her decision. You must deal with it as it is not your problem. hugs, Charlie

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      mythbusterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Take a big bucket of water and go toss it on the dog...then when it has finished yapping, maybe you'll be able to think about your newfound news...
      
      Sorry to hear that this issue has come up.
      
      (btw, you won't hurt the dog...best way to quiet needless barking I've come across so far)

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      ceciliabeltranposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      you are afraid it's your fault. fear is usually the motivation behind anger.
      
      align yourself with what you think is right.

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      mythbusterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Sorry Cindy, my response wasn't very empathetic - I was still pondering over things and sort of did a knee-jerk response, I think...
      
      
      It would be almost inconceivable if you weren't upset over your grown daughter's decision to have an abortion.
      
      Especially since she's not 'just barely' an adult or anything like that...she's been a grown woman for some time if she's in her late 20's. I don't know the reasons behind her situation and decision but I'm not sure any mother would be without pain in this situation, so I hope you'll try to treat yourself well in the midst of this. If there's really nothing you can do and it's not your choice, it must feel like an incredibly powerless situation for you. I hope you can surround yourself with people who will understand (and get someone to go pour a bucket of water over that darned dog about 3 times consecutive, so you no longer have that audio distraction and annoyance when you're feeling so torn up) this situation as much as it can be understood.
      
      I know a lot of people who believe that a mother's "job" doesn't end when their children reach adulthood and that a mother is always a mother no matter what. Any way this turns out, take care of yourself, 'cos you're still going to remain a mother. Your daughter, if she aborts, may need still need your support. Isn't that a kicker? I'm sure you'll love her and support her in the end, either way, but make sure you take care of yourself, too, eh?

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      dario415posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well im not taking your daughters side, but she probably knows for herself thats why shes not ready for a baby. You have to be honest with yourself and thats what shes probably doing. Lets say she has a baby right. And you get left with the responsibilities of babysitting,getting up at wee hours of the night and everything else you use to with your daughter while she was growing up. Shes just not ready for a baby. If shes young in age like in her early 20s, she probably still wants to have fun and and enjoy life. She doesnt want to have too many abortions. Not good for her body. Sit and talk to her. Dont get mad at her when you hear her responses. Understand her point of view,or try too and since youve been on this earth longer, You make her understand yours also. Communication is key in all relationships.......TALK IT OUT
      
      GOOD LUCK GRANDMA TOO BE- ITLL HAPPEN. DARIO?

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      goldenpathposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      What better way to vent frustration than to strangle an annoying dog.

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         Beth100posted 13 years agoin reply to this

         This doesn't sound like your regular advice Goldenpath!!    This would be a transference of anger from the real issue to a creature that is venting it's own frustrations.  Cindy, cut it's rope and let it free! 

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            goldenpathposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Forgive my response.  I just got back to Iowa from San Diego.  Had a wonderful spiritual experience there.  I felt like venting a little "levity" in my thought which resulted in my post.
            
            For a serious thought though, I would exhort personal prayer and reflection.  Then attemp to calmly address the problem with the owner.  If this proves fruitless than perhaps the law may need to be involved.  Above all, to protect yourself and sanity, keep calm and level headed.  It's the adversary that authors all discord and discontent.  Observe any and all positive aspects of your situation (even if you have to make them up) and you will be guided into the correct steps of action.
            
            Sorry again for the previous post!

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               Beth100posted 13 years agoin reply to this

               Golden, no need to every apologize!!!  I felt that something was out of sorts with you tonight.  Hope you're well, especially after a long trip. 
               
               Cindy, talk with someone about how you feel.  You're going to need support too and with this support, you'll be better emotionally to support your daughter.  Let the feelings come and work with them.  Before long, things will pass and become better.

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      Shadesbreathposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Because the only thing more annoying than neighbors with dogs is children old enough to bear children.  Neighbors with dogs are always selfishly deluded that they are good pet owners when they never are, and children old enough to breed are seldom wise enough to manage what their bodies are capable of.
      
      If  you were my neighbor, I would offer you a beer and hug, and, sadly, little else.

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      kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Totally normal, feels like the time I decided to get a pet bird, the receptiveness in the chirping made me fly it out the window,
      
      great,
      
      now PETA will be all over my ass
      
      thanks a lot cindy
      
      ps-use your bare hands, be very quick and no one will be the wiser
      
      My thoughts are with you, I feel it will soon be over
      
      

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   cindyvineposted 13 years ago

   I Know CC, but it is so hard.  She was so traumatised the first time she had one.  Took all her angst out on my son and hasn't spoken to him for two years.  Even though he had nothing to do with it, he was just convenient to transfer her anger to.  Now this time she's in China and I'm here in Tanzania.  What happens if she has a breakdown?

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      tobey100posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Having 5 sons I can't even empathize.  My two oldest can cause me a great deal of grief sometimes but I just keep reminding myself they're grown and all I can does is comfort them when they make the wrong decisions.  It's tough

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      Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      cindy, after noticing this post, I think you've answered your own question about why you're so upset - you're worrying about what will happen to your daughter as a result of it.  That's being a mother.  I suppose it may be worth considering that at least this time she knows what to expect, so she's going in with eyes open.  There's no doubt about it - when they're grown you just have to go with whatever they end up doing.  Maybe, too, this time she's a little older and a little more capable of dealing with her own choice.

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   habeeposted 13 years ago

   Have you considered offering to adopt the baby yourself?

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   cindyvineposted 13 years ago

   I have and the reply is that they want to have a baby in two years time when they have more money.  My daughter is 27 and the boyfriend is 29.  If they don't have enough money now, will they then?  If she has it she wants to keep it herself.  So I don't know.  I'm tired of crying now.

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   lorlie6posted 13 years ago

   Ah, cindy, all I can do here is offer one of my favorite quotations:
   "Kids...they're either a pain in your ass or a lump in your throat."
   I love that, and offer my empathy as a mom.

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   ralwusposted 13 years ago

   Well Cindy, all the tears and all those years you have devoted to her amount to one thing, she is an adult now and your worry and love is always present, but she will find her own way and some day return that love you have, and maybe a grand child or two yet.

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   KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

   Although none of us would have kids if we waited until we could afford them, it's also very responsible to realize when you just flat can't afford to raise them properly.  I know it must be incredibly tough for you, but since she's gone through it before, you can hope that she's better prepared for this time and it hopefully won't traumatize her like it did the first time.  Even though you're apart, surely she knows she has your love and support.  It'll work out fine. 
   
   Regarding the dogs, in Texas we'd report them.  Dogs, rather owners of dogs, can be fined if the dog disturbs the peace just like a rowdy party of guys. 
   
   Good luck to you, hang in there!

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   charanjeet kaurposted 13 years ago

   Oh Cindy you are in a tough spot, damn life sometimes puts you in the most unpredictable of situations. Trust me you never can afford a kid with the way expenses arise. But when you do the time would have past, you could as well have a two year old kid by that time. Try to talk through her and still if she thinks it is right for her then hold on to her she will need you more than ever. Sending you my best wishes and all the strength you need.

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   Lynda Garyposted 13 years ago

   Cindy ...
   
   Take a few deep breaths.
   Go for a nice long, quiet walk.
   Lock the bathroom door, light some candles, and soak in the tub.
   
   When things beyond our control push their way into our hearts and minds, all we can do it push back -- so long as you push in the right direction.  In this case, pushing OUT the chaos is really all you can do; that, and understanding the premise that you can only control YOU.
   
   When our children -- or our neighbors -- don't seem to respect our beliefs, our privacy, or our sanity, it's up to us to respect ourselves.  Respect yourself enough to let go.
   
   As far as the dog ... It IS invading your right to peace.  It IS a nuisance.  You need to approach its owners.  If that doesn't work, you need to report it to the humane society.  Sounds to me like the dog is being neglected, both at his --and YOUR -- expense.

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    frogdroppingposted 13 years ago

    Re the dogs - that would drive a saint to swear given how long it carries on for. Yapping dogs are more than a nuisance, they're pergatory.
    
    As regards your daughter, maybe it's more than the loss. Maybe you're also disappointed. She's been there before, now she's there again. You remember the issues it raised, the pain it caused. Perhaps it's a trigger and you can foresee where it may well end up.
    
    Whatever the reason, I'm sorry to hear you're finding this a trial. I hope the answers and support you're receiving here are helping a little, or at least making it easier to make sense of it all.

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       Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       My sister and I, both who (like most people) have had our share of crap and worry coming down the pike, would always remind ourselves, "At least everyone is healthy.  That's all that matters."  After the first few decades of that it has actually become a little bit of a joke between us, and yet, when it comes down to it, it's sometimes the only thing we can hang onto.    Once, not long ago, my sister joked, "Well, I'm sick of that thing about everyone being healthy!  Some people have healthy kids AND a life without a lot of crap."     Joking aside, however, keeping that in mind really can help during those times of "not being too thrilled" with things.

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          Lynda Garyposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Oh, man, Lisa ... I couldn't agree more!  When I lost my health 13+ years ago, and then when I realized my 2 year old had serious health issues, I finally "got it."  Till then, I'd taken good health for granted.  There is NOTHING more important. And nothing makes life more difficult than chronic illness, injury, or a combo of both. (well, maybe abuse is more difficult...)

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             Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             Lynda, I think it's so easy to just kind of take health for granted. Whether it's been my own problems or someone like my sister's, sometimes you just have no choice but to not let it all eat away at you, and keep that health thing in mind.  It isn't like it's some "make-believe" platitude.  It really is important.  The one I've always reminded my kids about, when there have been troubles, is that we all still have each other and pull together.  Those two thoughts have gotten me feeling a lot less bad about a whole lot of things. 

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    Beth100posted 13 years ago

    Cindy, the yapping dog is aggravating on its own.  It's natural to be upset, especially with the decision that your daughter has made.  You're afraid for her and you feel powerless over the situation, especially since you are so far away from her.  Short of flying out there to her, the best a mom can do is let her child know that she's there for her, no matter what.  Talk with her, send her signs of support, and don't forget to look afterself too.  You'll be grieving too.  ((Big HUGS))

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    Lisa HWposted 13 years ago

    I can understand getting irritable after listening to the barking for awhile.  Between March of last year and around October I had to listen to excavators and all kinds of equipment because a sewer system is being put in - and by Summer I felt like I was going to really "crack".  Still, when I have to listen to something like that, a dog, or a party, I just remind myself that "in the scheme of life" these are signs of life.  The world is so full of "signs of awfulness" (in terms of sounds), I find it helps to see it as "a normal part of life".
    
    With your daughter's news, I don't think any mother can be truly "gracious" and at peace with that kind of news, no matter how much she can understand the reasoning.  Mothers worry about any risk to their daughter, any long-consequences (physical or emotional),etc. etc.  If you're not a big "fan" of abortion it will be even harder.  I think so often we just have to process our feelings (sometimes not for very long), and give ourselves a break if we can't feel "all happy and fine". 
    
    I'm guessing that if, for no reason other than this, you'd just prefer your daughter not have this to go through (or choose to go through it).  It's just better not to have an abortion in your "history" than to have one.  Having two makes it that much less "perfect" as far as what we hope for our grown kids.  I'm guessing you're probably worried and/or disappointed. 
    
    I think most of us have a good ability to work our way through processing things like this, and making some kind of peace with whatever it is.

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    goldenpathposted 13 years ago

    As a clergyman I've had to deal with abortions before.  It is extremely difficult.  First off you must have a firm foundation of what you believe.  It's not enough to like or dislike.  Have firm reasons for either.  Openly, yet calmly and without contention, express your views to your daughter.  After all, it is your grandchild being denied you.  Strongly encourage adoption.  I know our faith has adoption services second to none.  It is better to place a child in a good home ready for a child, than to deny that child of life and the opportunity to grow.
    
    However, when all is said and done we cannot forget that the premise upon which the entire universe was organized is agency and the freedom to choose.  If, after all you've done your child still resists, it is her own choices that she will have to reap the consequences from - not you.  Doing all you can do will ensure your own justification and sanctification.  Regardless of the outcome you are to continue loving your daughter.
    
    If it was me I would create and place some kind of remembrance or token of memory of the aborted child(ren) in your own home.  This will serve as a comfort to you that they are real and eternal child(ren), and will also remind your daughter of what she has denied in this world and the stain on her spirit lest she rejects sincere repentance with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.
    
    May you be blessed with wisdom and that your frame may be shored up during this time of trial and tribulation.

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    prettydarkhorseposted 13 years ago

    Every mother will be upset in your situation because you care for your daughter and the barking of the dog doesnt help at all, I think that it is their decision as they are already mature. Just tell your daughter that continually aborting a baby is bad for the womans health and if they like to have one already, there might be a problem, plus if they dont really like a baby, they should contracept, they are old enough to know that already! HUGS Cindy, Maita

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    cindyvineposted 13 years ago

    Thanks guys for all the advice.  I've tried to talk my daughter out of it, but it's so difficult when she's in China and I'm in Tanzania and neither is our home country where all our family is.  She can't understand why I'm not happy she's making an adult decision.  (her words)  The more I've begged her to reconsider, the more adamant she is becoming, so I'm just going to leave it and hope she'll change her mind.  I'm just so scared that a second abortion with no family to support her will be disasterous for her emotionally.  But she knows how I feel, she is an adult now and I have to leave it in God's hands I reckon.

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    cindyvineposted 13 years ago

    and as regards that horrible dog across the road, the people have a huge metal fence and gate and the dog is barking at nothing behind that.  I have sent my askari (security guard) across the road a few times now, to get them to get that dog to shut up.  It sounds hysterical when it barks like that.  One night, it started at 7pm and eventually stopped at 5am with its voice hoarse.  No noise control, SPCA or any animal cruelty people here in Tanzania!

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    cosetteposted 13 years ago

    Tanzania is very beautiful. i have always wanted to visit the land of Kiliminjaro.
    
    those people neglect that little dog so that is why it barks like that, which is a shame. maybe try adding some white noise to your home's interiors like a portable fan or two to help muffle it.
    
    as for your daughter i am sorry about that. i can understand why you would be upset. i suspect she told you because the little girl in her still needs Mother's emotional support. i know it is hard. i would be heartbroken if it were me. parenthood is one of the toughest jobs we have, and it doesn't stop when they are grown. i would counsel my daughter to really, really think hard before she does this, as she will have to live with her decision for the rest of her life. best regards. i hope you find peace with all of this.

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