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Fact not Fiction, Dan Quinn style: Dan's connection to the Vagos Motorcycle Club
Settling the score
This DQ vid transports us (yet again) to a public bathroom. This time it's a restroom at Starbucks. Here we find Dan gripping a sandwich and attempting to woo "Tara Chow," one of Dan's Adult Friend Finder chatroom sweethearts.
"I love the... timber of your voice."
After the shoutout to his girl, Dan rolls into a tornado of chest thumps, weird complements and threats against some Vago big wig named Crazy Joe.
The special part of this video that makes it a DQ vid for the ages, though, begins about 45 seconds in, when some wack-ass fool who probably needs to squirt out his tall half-skinny half-1 percent extra hot split quad shot latte with whip makes the mistake of trying to step onto the set right in the middle of the shoot.
"Yeah? What! I'm busy!"
15 seconds later the intruder knocks again.
Then Dan turns back to the camera and says,
"Um, I mean... how many f***ing times?"
9 minutes later:
BOOM BOOM BOOM.
Dan stares at the door like he can't even believe the nerve of the guy on the other side.
"Busy! Be out in a second. Taking a long sh*t."
The interruptions that break up Dan's epic Gettysburg address to Crazy Joe at just the right moments make this vid golden.
But what the hell is he even talking about?
A deadly group of meth peddlers
The Vagos are a west coast motorcycle gang that came into being at the end of WWII. Initially they were made up of white military biscuit-headed WWII veterans of the Rambo variety whose war experiences pushed them off the rocker and toward the fringe of society, but over the years more and more latinos joined in the fray. The group eventually split along racial lines. Now there are two Vago groups: white Vagos and latino Vagos. Both groups are involved in a number of illegal activities, including the transport and distribution of meth.
Dan seems to have some beef (and some wienerschnitzel) with one of their leaders.
"Uh, it's like this dude. I've come with food every time I've come over. Don't I do it like that? I brought that chicken, that cheese, all that sh*t? Yeah. I was actually in line at Der Wienerschnitzel, playboy."
Apparently Crazy Joe has cancer, and Dan has been trying to heal a brotha's tumor up with stevia...
"Let's see. You owe me about $50 for that pound of stevia that you f*ckd off and didn't put in that decrepit old f*cking body that's going to be dead in a year because you want to listen to the doctors, and not to me."
Dan goes on and on like that. Basically, it's a meth-induced torrent of verbal jabs and locker room ass-slaps directed at Crazy Joe. Here are some of the best lines:
"Put it like this, dude. Joe. You couldn't put a dent in me with anything other than a knife. A gun. A sword. As a matter of fact, if we were in a level 4 prison yard, okay?"
Dan squints his eyes and slows his roll.
"I would maybe have been forced to end your life, the way you talk to me. Okay? And you think you can get away with it? Nuh-uh, son."
In the next breath:
"You know what? You are a worthy motherf*cker. Okay? You're a good dad. Could be better in some things."
"You're frail, homie. You could punch and punch and punch and punch on me and all you would do is hurt your hands."
"I'm a savage white boy that, in football, was blacker than any black f*cking linebacker and shit. See the play, my nigga."
Dan thinks that he is qualified to say "the N word" because he's a black man trapped in a white body. Dan validates his inner blackness by repeatedly showing off how he once tackled Raiders running back Tim Brown.
Enter: THE PLAY.