Fact not fiction, Dan Quinn style: DQ flosses his famous "jets" in a Walmart parking lot

"Do I look slow? How do I look, dog?"

"You look like.... you got some movement there, man."

"No, I mean do I look- I mean, tell me!"

"No, I mean you look like y-you... doing good!"

One of DQ's favorite things to say is that he could easily stroll into an NFL training camp and make the team, even though he's in his mid 40s and hasn't played football since his 20s. Dan sincerely believes with all of his heart that, thanks to Stevia and weed, his athletic abilities are actually better than they were when he was young.

"I-I'm serious dog. Th-the more? I've done... okay? I've done the best... I mean I've done some of the best goddamn methamphetamine that is known to man, homie. You know? A-and I'm telling you right now that... massive amounts of stevia? And weed together. I'm getting that same feeling right now, man. Fact not fiction."

In these two vids (which contain arguably some of the funniest situational comedy in all of Dan's YouTube history) Dan heads out to the Walmart and then, in a follow-up vid, heads out to an actual race track to prove that he still has the same jets that allowed him to tackle Tim Brown back in the day.

The first one is hilarious right away, just because of the Walmart setting.

"Where are you going to, uh, run this?"

"Out in front of Walmart. Why not?"

DQ takes off and lopes down the parking lot, forcing the camera man to chuckle audibly.

"Do I look slow? How do I look, dog?"

"You look like.... you got some movement there, man."

"No, I mean do I look- I mean, tell me!"

"No, I mean you look like y-you... doing good!"

That wasn't the type of reaction Dan was hoping for. Seeking validation, Dan runs off down the parking lot again. Perhaps Dan's also running away from his current lot in life, towards the stevia dream. At the end of the lot, Dan asks an innocent shopper if he looks fast or not, running around in the Walmart parking lot. The response is inaudible.

Apparently, Dan wasn't happy with the Walmart footage of his jets. In the next vid, Dan takes his cameraman to an actual racetrack. The video (which, like the first video, was recorded and produced not by DQ but by Fightwear 5150) opens with some rap music. The next thing we see is a 45 year old Dan Quinn loping across the track again. His hat is twisted around backwards. He's shirtless. He's fully blazed on weed and stevia.

After the run, Dan kicks it with Norma Jean for a hot second. Norma Jean is cool. She gives Dan the reassurance that he was looking for.

"Y-yeah. You fast."

Dan hears those words and melts. High off of stevia, weed and validation Dan's feeling like a rock star. On the other side of the bleachers, Norma is getting creeped out. She starts sliding off... but Dan keeps following her. Conversating. Big pimping.

Intro: the astonishing saga of Dan "Stevia" Quinn

DQ flosses his famous "jets" in a Walmart parking lot

The greatest defensive play in football history

A real life conspiracy involving Dan, TMZ and UFC prez Dana White

Dan Quinn's harrowing account of child abuse, Hot Wheels tracks and handcuffs

DQ barricades himself in a Starbucks bathroom to sort out an argument with a Vago head honcho

Dan Quinn snaps a MMA opponent's collarbone in half

Peachy the Cat and the magical healing power of Pure H20