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Fact not fiction, Dan Quinn style: the healing power of Pure H20

Updated on July 5, 2013
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Peachy the Cat: restored to perfect health with Pure H20

In this video we see some indisputable feline proof that in addition to allowing Dan to stay in a "lean and ripped" physical condition, "the liquid on the bottom of that soap" also has some fairly f*cking miraculous healing powers.

Enter Peachy: a cat who was able to recover from cancer thanks to Dan and the marvelous plant known as stevia.

"The tumor burst in her throat. Bloody. Burst all over her face."

After showing us Peachy, Dan switches gears to blow the lid off of a conspiracy theory involving vacuum cleaners. Dan exposes the "fact" that Baxter is dumping chemicals on everyone, and (since most of the suckers out there use vacuum cleaners that "blow dust") these chemicals are everywhere.

Then, Dan shows off his Patriot brand vacuum cleaner (and turns it on while recording, so that you can barely hear what he's saying) and brags that it's so effective that "you can use it in an operating room."

Among other things, Dan's also concerned about aspartame.

"Millions of people are walking around with holes in their brains."

Dan's solution: everybody better get on Stevia with the quickness.

"It'll make your body perfect in record speed. Oh my God."

Dan speaks on his discovery of stevia and Pure H20

Things that stevia can do

  1. Act like the cure
  2. Cause cancerous lumps lurking in breast tissue to disappear after 14 days
  3. Help unlock the mystery of Cold Fission, a "mythical energy source that can go on and on forever"
  4. Cause water to burst apart and turn into a gas *snap* just like that
  5. Give Dan the fame and money he needs to get revenge on Lou Holtz and Fred Riva

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