Long but worth reading....

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  1. paradigmsearch profile image88
    paradigmsearchposted 8 years ago

    As we have come to a new year - I want to thank all of you for your
    educational e-mails over the past year.... I am totally screwed up now
    and have little chance of recovery.

    I no longer open a bathroom door      without using a paper towel, or
    have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
    about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't use the remote in a hotel room      because I don't know what
    the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie

    I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread      because I can only imagine
    what has happened on it since it was last washed..

    I have trouble shaking hands      with someone who has been driving
    because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip      because I can only
    imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's purse      for fear she has placed it on the
    floor of a public bathroom.

    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop
    in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
    every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

    I no longer have any savings      because I gave it to a sick girl
    (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money,     but that will change once I receive the
    $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
    participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul    because I have 363,214 angels looking
    out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

    I can't have a drink in a bar    because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
    of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC      because their chickens are actually horrible
    mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants      even though I smell like a
    water buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO YOU      I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
    forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,     I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
    remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy     gas without taking someone along to watch the car so
    a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta     since the people who make these
    products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap      in the microwave because it causes seven
    different types of cancer.

    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW    I can't boil a cup of water in the
    microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face..... disfiguring me
    for life.

    I no longer go to the movies     because I could be pricked with a
    needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping malls     because someone will drug me with a
    perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex      since they are
    actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

    And I no longer answer the phone      because someone will ask me to
    dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
    Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

    I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus     since I now have their

    THANKS TO YOU     I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
    black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death
    when it bites my butt.

    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE      I can't ever pick up a $1.00 coin
    dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
    molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

    I no longer drive my car      because buying gas from some companies
    supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South
    American dictators.

    I can't do any gardening      because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
    Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
    minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
    tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
    causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
    actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
    ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .
    . ..

    Oh, by the way.....

    A German scientist from   Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
    discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
    e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
    e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

  2. CASE1WORKER profile image67
    CASE1WORKERposted 8 years ago

    sorry pal, but we dont have many camels in leicester- curry houses yes, but camels, no

  3. Aficionada profile image80
    Aficionadaposted 8 years ago

    ROFL lol lol

  4. optimus grimlock profile image59
    optimus grimlockposted 8 years ago


  5. paradigmsearch profile image88
    paradigmsearchposted 8 years ago

    A PSA bump. smile

  6. superwags profile image73
    superwagsposted 8 years ago

    This is why the only things you should adhere to are the Viz "Top Tips":


    e.g. A potato wrapped in tinfoil and left in a cupboard makes an ideal consolidatory snack when your house burns down

  7. profile image0
    Motown2Chitownposted 8 years ago

    Wow! I've seen similar items before, but this one made me laugh out loud and hard enough that I feel that exhausted relaxation that comes after a REALLY good laugh.

    Thanks for sharing!

  8. paradigmsearch profile image88
    paradigmsearchposted 8 years ago

    Bumped to assist dead forum. smile


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