As we have come to a new year - I want to thank all of you for your
educational e-mails over the past year.... I am totally screwed up now
and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or
have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what
the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed..
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so
a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face..... disfiguring me
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a $1.00 coin
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies
supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
sorry pal, but we dont have many camels in leicester- curry houses yes, but camels, no
This is why the only things you should adhere to are the Viz "Top Tips":
e.g. A potato wrapped in tinfoil and left in a cupboard makes an ideal consolidatory snack when your house burns down
Wow! I've seen similar items before, but this one made me laugh out loud and hard enough that I feel that exhausted relaxation that comes after a REALLY good laugh.
Thanks for sharing!
by Danette Watt 6 years ago
Not all books are worth reading. Do you agree with that?I heard this statement on NPR today and tried to think of a book that wasn't worth reading. I came up with a couple such as "Mein Kamp" but just because we don't agree with the ideas in the book, does that mean we shouldn't read it,...
by Dan Harmon 15 months ago
Got a new comment today, on one of my "how to" hubs."Do you have a book with all this info? Or is it only online at this point in time? Cause I'd buy your book! I think that would be a real cool idea if it's not already done. Would be pretty convenient as well, for me...
by dingdong 9 years ago
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the...
by Subhra Thakur 2 years ago
A simple question, just wanted to knowI have made 2 hubs, are they worth reading, or am I just wasting my time?
by reena_yadav 5 years ago
What are books worth reading?
by Kelly Wagner 11 days ago
It's been awhile since I've published a hub. However, I finally did it. When I went to search for it via Google, it doesn't bring it up. Is there something that has changed with the search engines? Is there a way to make it google search worthy? Thanks!
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