Angry dad

1. 60

   EspianScrollsposted 16 years ago

   I am in foster care and my foster dad is someone im beginning to "strongly dislike" he yells and cusses at everyone for no reason and that includes his own wife and children. What should i do to be. Able to tolerate him? I need help here. Usually i know what to do but im seriously thinking of running away. I cant tho. I have way too much at stake. HELP!!!

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   1. 53

      salterposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Have you told your social worker?  He should not be yelling and cussing no matter what the reason.  How is your foster mother?  Is she nice to you?

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   2. 67

      dr cposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Hi there-
      
           I am really sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. Foster care is hard enough without having additional struggles. You don't say how long you have been with this family, although it doesn't sound like too long. You also mention that this will only be for a few more months, so I'm guessing that you are close to 18?
           Several people seem to have given good advice, talking to your foster mom & your case manager, so I hope you've been able to do that. Also, do you have a therapist? Would it be possible to have a family session where you give your foster dad some feedback in a safe situation? There are many reasons people yell -but often it's because they feel out of control and don't have any more effective ways of dealing with the situation. I imagine your foster father may be a little sensitive in this area, but perhaps anger management and support groups for foster parents could be useful in giving him some suggestions as to how to deal with life other than through yelling. I also imagine that you are not the only one to have noticed this - what does your foster mom say/do when this happens? As tough as this situation is, what you need to do most is focus on whatever you need to do to get to where you need to be.
           Most kids in foster placement should have access to counseling. there is also an organization called A Home Within, although I'm not sure what state you are in, but you might want to google it. It's a fabulous organization which has the mission "one child for as long as it takes" If you are in California, you may be able to get a therapist through this organization if you don't already have one. It's all free - professionals donate their time and, as it says - you get a therapist for "as long as it takes" - which is really totally cool.
           Another thing you may want to talk with your case manager about is transitional age youth services. I believe this is statewide & there is money allocated specifically for people in your situation - people who has been in foster care, but are ready to age out. There are vocational training services and often even transitional living houses where several young adults live at minimal rent until they are able to get started. Being on your own at 18 - as tempting as it sounds, is difficult. In many places, it's almost impossible to be able to support yourself with a minimum wage job - and let's face it, that's where most of us start out, so find out all you can about any services available. Do you do any activities? sports, hobbies etc? Finding something positive to do that can get you out the house can also be useful.
          As I said, a tough situation, but know that there are resources out there and people who can help you - but as you move from the child to the adult system - you have to do a lot more on your own, so the more research and resources you have, the better - and pick your casemanager's brain - that's what they're there for. Best of luck to you, I hope this was useful, & hang in there!

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2. 60

   efegloposted 16 years ago

   Understanding one another is very important to be a good foster cared person, if you do understand him too well, then there should not be any room for problems, learn to study him and those things that makes him angry, keep away from it, be humble at him, be patience, be tolerant.  Note that the person you see today, someday you might not see the person again.  So lets love one another, irrespective of their characters and God will help us to tolerate them cause we cannot do without people around us.

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3. 74

   Mighty Momposted 16 years ago

   Hi Espian Scrolls, I'm really sorry to hear that. I was going to suggest what Salter suggested. Try talking first to your foster mother. Get her read on what's bugging your dad. If there are other kids in the house -- foster or otherwise -- talk to them about your concerns and see how they cope.
   Not knowing your situation, it may or may not be a good idea to go first to your social worker. If the situation is endangering you, you need to be moved for your own safety.
   I hope you don't think I am excusing this man's behavior. If it feels abusive to you, then it is. I will say, however, that all of us need to compromise and give a little in our family situation. Growing up, I thought my father (I am adopted) was strict and mean. I was afraid of him. He was totally within the bounds of normal parenting behavior, but when he yelled, we jumped. And I was a very sensitive child. Later in life I realized my dad was actually a great dad.
   One thing that may be useful is to make a list of "pros" and "cons" of this living situation. Are there good things about him that balance out the cussing?
   Please keep us all posted. We want to make sure you are safe and happy!

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   1. 60

      EspianScrollsposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Yes i am okay. I only have a few months left till I move out anyway. It's just I can't always take all of his yelling and screaming for no reason. There are times when I just want to run away. He's not abusive. So don't go reporting or anything. It's just he doens't know how to be respectful to people. He cusses all the time for no reason and it just irritates me a lot. I have a lot of good friends though that will keep me going till I move. So I think i'm in good standing. Thanks for all of your concernment guys. Have an awesome day!
      
      
      Espian~

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4. 60

   TravelMonkeyposted 16 years ago

   Speak to your social worker, running away will not help anyone in the long run. Good luck

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5. 60

   EspianScrollsposted 16 years ago

   thanks

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6. 60

   babarusheposted 16 years ago

   Espian Scrolls,
   
   I don't know how long you've been with your foster dad. I have come to discover that one of the things that we could derive so much joy from or receive so much pain from is human relationship whether within the family or without.
   
   Most times we may not understand it all why some of our loved ones turns sour but we have to keep the flag flying at these odd times.
   
   If it possible, i suggest you speak it over with your foster dad in a polite and humble way when you assume he has his cool.
   
   If the wife has a great influence on him just like my mom over my dad, she could help.
   
   Moreover, if there is any of the children that he inclines most to, use that person to reach him.
   
   I guess you make it. Pls, don't run away.
   
   I wish you the best: 

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7. 77

   AEvansposted 16 years ago

   Espian,
   Please do not runaway as that is not going to solve the issue, if you have a caseworker tell them that you would like to be placed somewhere else as your Foster father is Mentally and Emotionally Abuse to you, have them place you in a new home. I am so sorry to hear about the pain that you are enduring as it should not hurt to be a child and you have already gone through enough. Running Away is only going to stress them out and they will not your case as an incorrigble child, not understanding why you chose to run away. Please contact your case worker and keep all of us posted.

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8. 59

   VENUGOPAL SIVAGNAposted 16 years ago

   Dear boy, dont think of running away.  Several original fathers behave like this whenever they have some worries.  If he feels you are a burden for him and publicly say that he dont want you, then only you should think otherwise.  Otherwise, he is like your own father.  Thank god for giving you atleast a foster father. 
   If you have chance, read the history of Hitler.... how he ran away from home, how he struggled in Berlin streets, joined politics, became chancellor and finally a tyrant.  If he was brought up by his parents, he would not have suffered that much.  And he would have had at least two persons to shed tears on his death.

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