or Future Failure
How your parents perceived you in your formative years have a major impact regarding if you have high or low self-esteem or self-worth, be a success or failure in life, and/or will fearless risk taker or a timid risk aversive person. Many parents do not realize the irrevocable emotional, mental, and psychological harm their words and sayings have on their children. Many parents believe that they mean well when in fact they do not! Do you agree with this premise?
I somewhat agree. My parents were always very supportive. As a parent, I was supportive, but I was also honest when the kids asked for my opinion. For example, my youngest daughter was a gymnast, and I'd often watch her practice. When she'd ask me how she did, I told her the truth - good or bad. She sometimes got upset with me, but when she got older, she told me how much she appreciated my honest feedback. I think it's possible to be both supportive and honest. If I'd always told my daughter her routines were perfect, even when they weren't, she would have gained a false sense of security and wouldn't have worked as hard to improve.
Habee, you are a good and loving mother. Yes, I believe in telling children the truth; however, there are some parents who only see faults in their children, they do not believe in telling their children how good they are for fear of the latter becoming "conceited". There are some parents who constantly belittle their children no matter how stellar and/or well they do. Is it the parents' subconscious jealous or fear that if they give credit to their children, their children will outdo them. While there are many good parents out there, there are parents who have well..........quite unresolved issues either psychologically, emotionally, and/or from their childhood.
There are parents although they constructively criticize their children, they still praise their children when the occasion arises. However, there are parents who DON'T see the good that their children do but ONLY THE BAD. These are the parents who endlessly find fault with their children for even the most minute thing. There are parents who criticize their children for making 99 instead of a 100. There are parents who believe that their child/children must be perfect at all times and if the latter make a mistake, it is considered a mortal transgression or an egregious offense.
And how about the parents who overly praise AND overly criticize … Both!
Or when one parent does the praising and the other the criticizing!
Some parents should just not have children!
Common sense, common courtesy and true kindness… Is that too much to ask?
Parents need to know when to BE QUIET! Just let the kid be!
My advice: Watch him in your rear view mirror and set the boundaries as needed. Observe his interests and facilitate them and any activity that requires concentration such as care of the environment and personal belongings. Help him in reading books, writing and figuring out math problems that arise in daily life.
Too much praise can actually be distracting as well. Encouragement is not the same as false ego building praise. So, encourage your child and keep focused on reality and everything will be fine.
...if you ask me, which no one did.
Unfortunately, there are parents who want their children to be as perfect as possible. They view mistakes as a poor reflection of the child so they endlessly critique the children, hoping that the child will be perfect in every way. They feel that by not doing that will seriously impair the child. There are parents who want their children to be little adults who do not make the usual mistakes of childhood.
There are perfectionist parents who believe that their child must be number 1 and THE BEST. To such parents, their child not winning is considered to be an affront to their parenting abilities and means that their child is somewhat lesser. These are the parents who endlessly push their child to make that 100, to win that beauty contest, etc. Be woe if the child makes a 98, all hell breaks lose and the child is considered to be incompetent, stupid, or slow.
This is very ignorant thinking. It is also arrogant. it is shameful and it is ultimately cruel.
The child is here to express himself from within. He loves and follows the adult in charge in willful obedience…not for any reason but to learn how to survive. He absorbs his environment on his terms… not yours or anyone else's. He needs respect and he needs to develop his own inner life. We must facilitate his connection to his true self. How?
"My advice: Watch him in your rear view mirror and set the boundaries as needed. Observe his interests and facilitate them and any activity that requires concentration such as care of the environment and personal belongings. Help him in reading books, writing and figuring out math problems that arise in daily life.
Too much praise can actually be distracting as well. Encouragement is not the same as false ego building praise. So, encourage your child and keep focused on reality and everything will be fine."
Observe your child to learn how you can help him become the person he, himself, is trying to become and has the potential to become. Ultimately it is through through his own guidance and direction that he reaches his potential.
So let the kid be!
The problem of too much praise:
The child needs to be in touch with himself. This seems easy enough, but not when you realize how fragile this connection can be… It needs to be consciously kept intact, since common sense is gone in modern society.
It is common sense to just do your work and let the child do his. He has much to do to grow into a man. In the beginning, nature is guiding the development of the psyche… which is a lot to grasp… but it is true…The psyche takes six years to develop.
During this period, it is best for the parents to allow the child to work from within according to the dictates of his own being. It is a subconscious mysterious process. We can see it unfold day by day. We are to facilitate this unfoldment… not stand in its way with our own blind ambitions. Praise can make the child do things to get more praise and in so doing, he becomes severed from his connection to his own will and reason for doing things.
I know these truths are hard to understand. I have been contemplating them since being exposed to the teachings of Montessori (in 1984) in a first-hand way. She holds the key to understanding life.
She really does.
Sorry to sound like a broken record.
No, you are indeed correct, please continue.
My mentor used to say: we do not tell the toes and fingers when and how to grow when the child is in the womb. It is the same during the first six years of life. Let the psyche develop of its own forces. These forces are there if one would just observe. Every little small person will grow into a big powerful person. This growth taking place from WITHIN must be acknowledged and respected.
Thanks So Much, Gm.
Now I'm done
- for today!
Yes, parents are a huge influence on us, but at the point you are capable of blaming them for doing it wrong you are capable of stepping outside of that context and charting your own course.
What you have elucidated is true. Parents can only do what they know how to do and they were doing the best that they know how, be it positive or negative. So many people blame their parents and use this blame as a rationalization for their particular life circumstances. It is the mature person who refuses to blame his/her parents and to use that blame as a displacement mechanism, instead assessing the situation at hand and take responsibility to make his/her life a success.
One cannot change how his/her parents perceive him/her but he/she can make his/her life a success if so desired. Also, after a certain age, it is futile, even toxic, for an adult to seek parental approval regarding his/her self-esteem and success. In fact, it is an utter waste of time. If one's parents perceive him/her to be stupid and he/she knows that he/she isn't, $%#% the parents and succeed.
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