Giving advice when you have no reference:
Does it bother anyone else when people who have no children give advice on what you should or shouldn't be doing ~ or on how to raise children "the right way"?
I don't care how many books you've read, classes you've taken, or number of families you've "witnessed" - unless you are a parent yourself you really don't have a leg to stand on.
Parenting advice from non-parents is like going to a grocery store clerk and asking for a medical diagnosis. Sure, he may have seen something on the Discovery channel about it, but he is no expert & it would be foolish to count his word as the "end all be all" of solutions.
Anyone else agree, disagree ~ share your thoughts on this, please
THANK YOU, +1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000- so many people mistakenly think that non-parents know nothing about the mechanisms and psychology of children. Give ME A BREAK, c'mon now. Everyone knows about children. One does not have to be a parent to be familiar with the workings of children. There are parents out there who do not know how to raise children. Being a parent does not give automatic knowledge regarding the raising of children!
I'd agree in some instances. On the one hand, I've seen for myself (as a result of getting older and having kids who aren't just "recently grown", but who have been grown for quite awhile now) that there are some things we can't/won't understand until we, ourselves, have children of a certain age or in a particular situation. I was around forty when I knew someone who had a twenty-year-old daughter who was giving her a hard time. With three children of my own, and knowing I was a "good and mature" forty, I thought I had my "right" to my opinions (even if I didn't voice them to her) in my own head, and about what she should do about the daughter.
Several years later, when I had gone through having three children be twenty years old, and when I had learned, for myself, how we (some of us) can feel about some situations with twenty-year-old sons/daughters, I suddenly realized how little I'd understood when I was that "good and mature" forty-or-so but hadn't yet dealt with having a son/daughter, say, twenty. My own kids didn't have the same "issues" that the young woman in question did; but still, I understood why it was her mother didn't just kick her out when she acted up as badly as she did.
On the other hand, though, there are a lot of parents who - really - just aren't very educated and/or have the kind of common sense needed to do what's best/healthiest for a child. A forty-year-old with five kids, but who hasn't done the most skilled parenting in one way or another; can know/understand a whole lot less than a twenty-five-year-old, educated (and with common sense), person who doesn't have children of his/her own. There are people who have raised a few (or a bunch) of kids and who think they're "big experts" because they have; when, if you see/hear some of the things they do/think, it's obvious they're clueless and/or without common sense. Then again, there are people with impressive credentials related to children who are also clueless and/or without common sense.
So I think it depends on the issue in question, but also on the individuals in question. It can also depend on whether the person who does have children and/or has raised children into adulthood has made it a point to educate himself/herself as far as having solid, sound, information about child development/human development goes.
When it comes to something like writing a Hub, though, I think the author needs to be very clear about where his/her ideas come from and why. People who are parents (but haven't educated themselves about child development (etc.) ) often come on here and pipe off with advice that's out-and-out wrong. On the other hand, there are the people whose material clearly comes "out of a book" (or more often, from a reference to a book/site), and that shows, too, to anyone who has a lot of real-life experience with being a parent. People shouldn't automatically assume, either, that because someone writes "as a parent", rather than as an expert, the parent is uneducated and/or doesn't have years of studying up (of solid, legitimate, sources of information) under his belt. Sometimes the parent who doesn't pick up a parenting book once his/her child is a year old often tends to assume that other parents aren't studying up on their own either. So, again, it depends on the issue and on the person (and his/her situation/background) involved.
Solid ideas (when, in fact, they ARE solid) are the same whether they're presented by a non-parent or a parent. I think the key in offering those solid ideas is that the writer be able/ready to offer plenty of solid back-up/reasoning to what he says and that he knows what is involved in determining what is "solid back-up/reasoning". There's reasoning behind every solid idea. It's kind of the non-math version of "show the work". The person who really knows his subject can easily pull that reasoning out of his head, whether the reasoning went into what someone else said or researched, or was his own reasoning process.
But - yes - it bugs me when someone either just spouts off what he saw in a study or article somewhere. But, it also bugs me when someone spouts off what his opinion is without backing it up with his own reasoning/experience behind that opinion (because he thinks that having children makes him an expert).
Oh.... Here's "The Ultimate", though: The person who is neither educated, nor a parent, nor emotionally well adjusted/mature enough to have solid ideas, but who spouts off about the subject anyway. No doubt about it, though, there are SOME things the person who has no children and/or hasn't raised them to adulthood and beyond can/will ever understand. The trouble is that such a person doesn't know what he can't/won't ever understand because he does lack that frame-of-reference you mentioned.I see and agree with your valid points here Lisa.
I get frustrated with the people who claim to be educated, yet not parents themselves and even more agitated by those who are not educated and not parents. They just love tossing their 2 cents into the mix & telling others what to do.
I myself feel that I am highly qualified on both counts
I was a babysitter & nanny before I became a parent myself, then became a preschool teacher on top of that. I am an early childhood specialist, and even after graduating ... what 9 years ago now, I am constantly picking up information from books, articles, website, other parents, and basically anywhere that has valid and credible information.
And with all of that - raising 6 kids of my own, 2 step kids, babysitting, preschool teaching... reading, researching, & constantly learning - I know that I still don't "know it all".
That being said - I feel I have earned the right to get upset when someone with less experience and/or less education on the subject tries to give me advice.
Thanks for your input, I enjoyed reading what you have to say.- Arlene V. Pomaposted 12 years ago
0If I could give you a "high five" right now, I would!
It is so rude. I agree.
I totally love being a parent, but I wouldn't bash you for choosing not to have kids of your own. That would be the flip side of this coin, wouldn't it.
Parents telling non-parents why they should become parents....
Darn people and their pushy selves
Related Discussions
- 26
Why is it that people who don't have children try to advise parents on how to ra
Why is it that people who don't have children try to advise parents on how to raise theirs?It just seems that so many people believe that they can give expert advice simply because they have worked with children or have been around them. I'm sure that every parent will agree that being around...
- 11
How should parents deal with lazy, unemployed, still-live-with-Mom-and-Dad adult
How should parents deal with lazy, unemployed, still-live-with-Mom-and-Dad adult children?It's one thing if your child loses his job and has to move back home, but how do you deal with one that won't even look for work, thinks you should still provide for all their needs (clean their room, wash...
- 10
Are parents too protective?
Are parents too protective?Is not letting children leave the nest damaging their social skills, creativity, emotions, and character?
- 40
This is a strange one - what do you think?
I recently heard a story about a woman who disciplines her kids with a spray bottle. She has a 3 year old son who has a bad temper. When he starts pitching fits, she sprays him with the water bottle to get him to start acting right. She says that it is the only thing that is...
- 20
Does intelligence make you a better parent?
Every day I see some of the most stupidest people having children. Usually, at least it seems to me, those with less intelligence keep having child after child, often when they cannot afford them. I sometimes think it would be better for all if there was an IQ requirement for having children. I...
- 21
Hey they're All Grown, but how did they turn out?
Children are our greatest investment, but did every parent receive this memo?Children did not ask to be here, they didn’t play a part in choosing their parents. A little boy once said that folks should acquire a license in order to become a parent. The good parents would vote for this amendment,...