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Uncomfortable Situation

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Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago
How do you deal with a person in a prominent church position who is crazy about your daughter but totally ignores you to the point of excluding you from functions she invites your daughter to attend including weddings, walks right pass you then as an after thought says hello and generally makes you feel invisible?
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  Sherry Hewinsposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  How old is your daughter? Is the relationship inappropriate? If your daughter is a minor you certainly have the right to challenge this person. If not, then perhaps you should take the initiative to engage them in conversation.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  My daughter is an adult. Our relationship is wonderful. It's just seems so rude to me that she would like my daughter and not give me the time of day. I have always been nice to her but now I am getting tired of this one-sided relationship.
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  LuisEGonzalezposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Regardless of your daughter's age, I would definitely tell her how inappropriate her reaction to you is and perhaps add a couple of choice four letter words in the sentence.
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  rebekahELLEposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Someone in a prominent church position seems to think she is above you and wants you to feel exactly as you are feeling. I would simply be myself and not let such a superficial woman make me feel inferior.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  I admit that it bothers me more than it should. But since this is the church I am a member of, I have to be exposed to her every Sunday. I am only human and its starting to wear away on my nerves.
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  rebekahELLEposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  If it's bothering you this much, I would consider finding a friendlier place to go to church if it's important to you to attend church. No one should be allowed to make you feel inferior regardless of position. It doesn't matter who she is or what she 'represents'. She openly ignores you and obviously enjoys her little power game. It's your life and you're free to live it as you choose. I would never return to a place where the 'lady at the top' treated me like that. Your peace is more important than your loyalty to a church. Best to you.
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  loveofnightposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Going to the source removes all doubt and confusion.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  I would agree if this wasn't the First Lady of the Church. A lot of people have left the church because of "problems." Confronting her is a waste of time. This lady is too full of insecurities. Sometimes she does smile but most times she's selective. Doesn't look good when you are the Pastor's Wife.
  
  This is the case of dealing with someone who is in the public eye and I am sure others see what I see. It is just so obvious when it has to do with very close family members.
  
  Let me be clear about this, I don't want this woman's friendship. I want to be give the same polite courtesy that is required when holding a position. I could be just as rude and unfeeling as she is but is that the thing to do?
  
  I will modestly admit that I have managed to look young for my age and I do always get compliments on how well I dress, but is this reason to be rude?
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  So, am I to surmise that it is ok for me to be just as rude, cold and callous as she is? Walk on the other side of the church. When she comes to speak to my daughter, get up and move to another table? Is this the consensus of how I should handle this?
  
  No wonder this country is going to Hell in a hand basket!
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  Motown2Chitownposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Maybe the best way to handle this is to be who you are. Interact with her the way you would with any of your daughter's other friends. Do you insist that all of her other friends befriend you as well? If you want this woman's friendship, tell her so. If you want her respect, earn it by giving her yours. If, at the end of the day, you want anything but that, it seems like a waste of time in your part. So what if she's the pastor's wife?
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  I agree. There are more important things going on in my life. Thanks for being so candid. I do enjoy it when people say what needs to be said and not what they think others want to here. Kudos to you!
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  Motown2Chitownposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Thanks for that.
  
  I was a little nervous that it might come off as a bit abrasive and that wasn't my intent.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Sometimes one needs to be brash when we see someone drowning. Would you say "that's too bad" or would you throw out a lifesaver and say ... grab it?
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  Motown2Chitownposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Hopefully the latter. I'm a big believer in truth, even when it may be a little uncomfortable.
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psycheskinnerposted 3 years ago
Are these events you should be invited to? Or is this just a matter of someone who has become your daughters friend and is not your friend--which is not such an abnormal thing.
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paradigmsearchposted 3 years ago
As long as the person is not a threat to your daughter, to heck with them. I would, however, communication my observations and conclusions about this person to your daughter.
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Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago
No, its not my daughter. It's the prominent church woman. My relationship with my daughter is fine. She tells me to just pray about the woman.
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Marcy Goodfleischposted 3 years ago
It clearly sounds like there's some chemistry conflict between the two of you. Here are some initial ideas (in case anything might sound appropriate):

When such events happen (a wedding or whatever) send a thoughtful, personal note to the honoree, and send a note to her as well. Let them both know they're in your thoughts, and that you wish them well. Don't mention not being invited, just let them know individually they're in your thoughts.

Be the first to say Hi at church, and do it with genuine warmth and love.

If those don't soften the situation, perhaps approach her directly, and mention that you're not sure if you ever offended her, but if so, it was unintentional, and you'd like to move forward more comfortably.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Those are so great comments and would definitely work with rational people. I know that I have never done anything to her. But, I am not the only one she does this too. It seems that she has problems with older women. But she is very, very close to my daughter and certain other older women. Specially well educated ones.
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Cardisaposted 3 years ago
This reminds me of a woman from my neighborhood who keeps talking to my fiance but she outright ignores me. I used to be friendly with her but I realized she wasn't interested to get to know me but she wants to keep a friendship with my fiance.

I know it's a different situation because you can't forbid your daughter from seeing her, but I sure ain't gonna let a bimbo get between me and my fiance so I forbade him to be friends with her.

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Hey, no problem. It just makes me wonder how many other people had been effected by someone who was blatantly rude to them while trying to get to know their fiancée, husbands, wives, daughters, sons or whoever. It never cease to amaze me what levels some people will take.
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  Cardisaposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Well, if I were you I'd be super nice to the extent where she feels uncomfortable...lol Like a psychological warfare.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  I have tried being nice. The thing is that she is more my age than my daughter's age. And its not that she's my daughter's friend that bothers me. It's how she can walk right pass me and not say anything or look right at me and I can be standing with someone else and she will greet them. Or when she ask for volunteers to do I project and I volunteer ... I am completely ignored. Now to me that is a show of hands that she doesn't like me and I have never done anything to her, or said about her and have tried to be helpful. This lady is also the First Lady of the Church so its rather hard to ignore her.
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  Cardisaposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  She's the pastor's wife? Unbelievable! You have got to speak up about it. Don't mention the friendship between her and your daughter because that may be misunderstood. speak up about being ignored for volunteering and so forth.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Yes, she is the Pastor's wife. A lot of folks just tolerate her because of this fact. Trust me, it will do no good to complain. I just had to get it off my chest!
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ologsinquitoposted 3 years ago
What you are describing sounds like "favoritism," It's when somebody who has personality issues treats one party much better than she treats another. It's a tool that divisive folks use to divide.

I also ran into a similar dynamic at church, but not with my daughter. It was with someone I introduced to my best friend. Nice people do not behave this way. It's very rude and you don't want this person as a friend or a companion.

You run into all types, even at church.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  You are so true, but the fact that its my daughter makes it uncomfortable. However, I am very close to my daughter and maybe that's the problem. She doesn't have that relationship with her daughters. But I have just one daughter and two sons and we share a special relationship. It just bothers me that she is so obvious with this and my daughter doesn't think much about it. I won't either if she wasn't so blatant with it.
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  DzyMsLizzyposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  You know, maybe I'm "mean," but since this is happening AT CHURCH, I guess after all this time (has apparently) gone by, I would not be above pointing out the conflict between her behavior and what people are supposedly taught about how to behave according to church teachings.
  Sometimes a bit of blunt in-your-face pointing out of facts is the only language some people understand.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  You wouldn't expect "church folks" to act this way, would you? But this is the case. And, it has bothered me to the point that I had to "talk it out"! I am hoping that one day it will not bother me any more because I don't want to set a bad example because she is. I'm just tired of it.
  
  Thanks everyone for your comments. I just don't know how to handle this without looking like the "bad guy." Confrontation in church ... naw.
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  DzyMsLizzyposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  One of many reasons why I don't "do" church. .... ;-)
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  ologsinquitoposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  I still go to church, with the realization that imperfect people are everywhere. This is a very unfortunate situation because church is supposed to be a refuge of sorts, and for Jacqueline it's a source of great stress, as it would be for anybody when these sorts of games are played.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Yes, you are right. And it is so sad. And so uncomfortable.
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  ologsinquitoposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Jacqueline, I can see why you'd be very tired of this.
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livingit4realposted 3 years ago
I have seen this behavior more than a few times and I think the person in this position runs into a lot of other people's personalities/challenges and develops a bad attitude over time. Leadership should always strive to be an example, but they are people first, then leaders. In this case it just sounds like she is jealous. Sometimes we have to pity other people's problems and just go on.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  That really sounds like some very wise advice. It's a shame, too. I could really help her but she won't even have a decent conversation with me. Once she just passed by me and I guess she felt a twinge of guilt and said "hello.' Didn't stop for my reply. If I didn't have people really wanting me to stay; I would leave.
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  livingit4realposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Sorry, I should have suggested pray for her, prayer does help. You know, the stronger one bears up the weaker (Rom 15:1) and in everyday language, sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. Keep your spirit high and don't stress it.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  That's the same thing my daughter said. It's tough and it puts me to the test.
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ologsinquitoposted 3 years ago
Definitely don't let her bother you. She's not the type of person you want in your life, at least not now. Your prayers might change her into the type of person God wants her to be.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  You are right but I've always been sensitive and I just don't understand why she treats me like this and I have tried to be nice to her. But I have to admit my spirit may be willing but my flesh is weak. No, I don't want this woman in my life ... but she has made herself a part of my daughter's life. But my daughter understands. She's very smart.
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  ologsinquitoposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  That's good that your daughter understands, because this behavior is highly inappropriate.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Yes, very highly. The only reason she puts up with it is because she is friends with the daughters. But the daughters roll their eyes at her as well.
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  ologsinquitoposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  This too shall pass. In another year, the situation may be totally different.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  This is true, not likely though.
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psycheskinnerposted 3 years ago
Is it favoritism that some of the people at work are my friends and others are just my colleagues?

I am not understanding why someone in a congregation (prominent or not, just a private person going to that church) is obliged to invite every other member to everything?

Is there a reason to not just accept that person has befriended your (adult) daughter and not considered you as part of the package?

With my friends I might consider their spouse a part of the deal to some extent and their minor children (of course), but not their parents.
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  ologsinquitoposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  The situations you are describing are not "favoritism." The situation Jacqueline is describing sounds like it is. The difference is that the woman who has befriended her daughter treats the daughter very well, but treats the mother terribly. That is was "favoritism" is and it's a rotten behavior.
  
  This goes way beyond someone not being invited to something.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Yes, that's right. Not inviting me is no big deal, but to walk by me and speak to the person who was next to me but not me you consider favoritism. I guess refusing to consider my assist as a volunteer is favoritism. What about not answering a phone call, is this favoritism too.? Excuse me!
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kschangposted 3 years ago
Unfortunately, sometimes some people are just... jerks. Let's hope your daughter noticed that you're being excluded even though you probably should have been included.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Yes, they are, and then the want to tell everybody how to live.
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jennshealthstoreposted 3 years ago
In reality everyone is entitled to their own opinions and can choose who or who not to communicate with. Maybe she just feels a special bond to your daughter and she does not even mean to intentionally be ignoring you. Granted she should not be rude to you or totally ignore you like you are not there, but maybe she does not feel that friendship connection with you. Not everybody can be or are meant to be friends. I think you may be reading into it a little to much. Really is having her friendship that important that you are letting it bother you? Let it be. You in no way shape or form need this person to acknowledge you. Becomes friends with another who you are more compatible with and who you share values with.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  I don't want her friendship. My point is this. I have a very close relationship with my daughter. Although I don't desire to be friends with my daughter's friends, I am not rude to them. And no, I am not "reading" anything into this. In the South, we have a different way of communicating. Speaking politely to strangers, helping each other. It is considered Southern Hospitality. This lady is the Pastor's Wife. We are expected to give her gifts for birthdays, etc. So, she is not just "one of the members" It would be on a smaller scale the President's Wife speaking to everybody in a reception line but one or two people. It's the principle of the thing. If you know my daughter and I have a special relationship and you act this way, it is plain old jealousy. This doesn't belong in the Church!
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rebekahELLEposted 3 years ago
No, I don't think that's the consensus. Often people post in forums only to hear what they want to hear. If you truly want advice you have to realize that you're going to receive observations based on what we know about the situation, our own interpretation of the situation and general comments, not knowing all the fine details about all involved.
I gave advice based on what I see as a very pretentious, insecure, self-righteous pastors wife treating people favorably/unfavorable based on who she likes that day. Is that really the kind of person you want in you and your daughter's life?
(I forgot how old your daughter is.)
On the other hand, who is this about? You or your daughter? Relationships are a part of life and they often reflect how we feel about ourselves. Are you trying to hold onto your relationship with your daughter above doing what is best for you? Are you able to be the person you are and wish to be at this church or is too much of your focus on the pastors wife?
You have a few choices.
Keep going and be miserable.
Keep going and change what you can change and accept that we can't change anyone, only how we think about them.
Find a place that welcomes you with the values that are important to you.

Lastly, it helps to learn not to take things personally. Her behavior is not about how she thinks of you, it's a reflection of how little she values herself. She treats others this way also.
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  ologsinquitoposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  This is a difficult situation because her faith life is obviously important to Jacqueline, or else she wouldn't be posting here looking for support. Obviously, this is not a good idea for her to be involved with this individual. But what's tying her to this person is her daughter and the fact that this woman is the minister's wife in a community that she belongs to.
  
  One choice for her, and this might be the best one, is to find another place to worship. It sound like a losing battle where she is. But this has to be her choice, in her time. If and when she does this, her daughter, most likely, will be forced to choose whether to stay or to leave. This is what creates a divisive situation.
  
  God will never allow such a situation to occur without drawing good from it. So there will be blessings, most likely apparent in hindsight.
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  Motown2Chitownposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  It needs to be taken into consideration that her daughter is an adult. She is free to choose her friends, her place of worship, and pretty much anything on her own, without her mother's approval or judgment. If the concern is truly that it interrupts or stunts Jacqueline's spiritual development to be a member of this church, then there needs to be a serious evaluation of her motives in attending this particular church. Is she there to get in good with the pastor's wife or to encounter God? Regardless of motivation, both of these goals are being blocked for her. Going to church shouldn't be about warm fuzzies from the pastor's wife anymore than going to school should be about warm fuzzies from the principal.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  That's very true. No going to church has nothing to do with warm fuzzy feelings from anyone. Sound points are made and I can't agree with any of them. Sometimes, I have to let other help me to know what I already do.
  
  I remember what Paul says in Romans 8 "who shall separate us from the love of God." The enemy attacks God's people and sometimes subtle ways and it takes others to give you the proverbial "slap in the face." Thanks for wet noodle whipping :-)
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  Motown2Chitownposted 3 years ago in reply to this
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Typing too fast.
  
  What I mean is that sound points are made and I must agree with them all. I love logic and logical thinking and I think that sometimes I get mad with myself for being illogical. I need someone bringing me back to reality. And with me, sometimes it takes pounding in the obvious.
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  Motown2Chitownposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Don't feel alone. Sometimes we all have trouble seeing the forest for the trees.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  I like your comment. Going to church is a choice as is serving God. And, if and when the time comes where my faith becomes threaten, I will run ... not walk to the nearest exit.
  
  I find that when a person is too close to a situation, its hard to be objective. This is the reason and rationale for asking other people's opinion. Then when logic "kicks in" and emotion is "put on hold" a realistic conclusion can be formulated.
  
  Thanks to everyone for helping me see the logic and not the purely emotional part of the situation. If I were perfect ... I'd be in heaven!
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Ilona1posted 3 years ago
I would find a church home where they try to honor each other and join there- before the treatment you receive poisons your family. This is one of things I wish I had understood earlier in life.
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EmpressFelicityposted 3 years ago
Jacqueline, if your daughter realises that this woman is snubbing you on purpose, then why hasn't your daughter stuck up for you or at least allowed her friendship with the pastor's wife to cool? Is that what's really bothering you about all this?
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  You know, I think sometimes hormones come into play and I find something that bugs me and just need to talk it out and see what others have to say. Sometimes its not so much needing to see the logic in the situation than to see what a waste of time dwelling on it.
  
  Ever answer has been great. I beginning to realize more though the comments of others just how unimportant the situation is in my life. But I don't think I could have realized it had I not had the input of so many perceptive people.
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harisnefoposted 3 years ago
Its a free world I think but her motives need to be investigated. Ask your daughter some questions about that relationship.
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Thanks for your suggestion. Good points.
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Kathryn L Hillposted 3 years ago
I might know what you are going through. But, you know what? Some people connect up with you and some just don't. My daughter is not like me in the least and the people she attracts are people I would never attract. Its just the way it is. You just accept what is. Don't even try to get accepted by this person and don't let it get to you. Just observe. Don't have an opinion and don't be surprised. Be calm. Stay in a position of command over yourself and
Let it Be.
TWISI
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  Jacqueline4390posted 3 years ago in reply to this
  Sounds very positive. People are definitely different and some people when you get to know them, you wish you didn't!
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  Kathryn L Hillposted 3 years ago in reply to this
  I spot them right away. It seems to be in the eye contact. If they like you and want to get to know you, they listen to you and look you in the eye. If they are curious about you and want to know what you have to say, they tune in. If they are not curious, it is because they are not on the same wave-leangth.
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