Mothers and Daughters

1. 82

   tsarnaudovaposted 12 years ago

   How do you feel about psychological concept that at certain age of the daughters mothers begin to compete with them?
   Is there a real envy in a mother about her daughter, because she is young and is having her entire life before her, while the life of the mother is at its middle point?

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   1. 75

      Precious Pearlposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      A mother that competes with her daughter usually has low self-esteem and mom issues of her own that need to be addressed.  A mother's love should rejoice in the beauty of her daughter.  A mother should build her daughter up encouraging her to be that which she was created to be ... a treasure to be valued and treated with honor.  A daughter is a precious gift not to be competed against but to be nourished to flourish.

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      1. 82

         tsarnaudovaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Then we'd be right to conclude that psycologists are wrong to make such generalization. I also think that if there is a competition, then something is wrong with the mom.

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         1. 75

            Precious Pearlposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            She is a mom that needs to be healed herself.

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   2. 83

      gmwilliamsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Oh, God yes.   Many mothers are indeed envious of their daughters especially if the mothers were born into poorer circumstances and the daughters are more affluent.   These mothers secretly wish that they had the childhoods and adolescence that their daughter had.
      
      Some mothers view their daughters as foundations of youth.   They are getting older and their daughter represent last and/or missed opportunities.   These are the mothers who are fiercely competitive with their daughters.  They refuse to let their daughters outshine them in any way!
      
      Then there is the issue of birth order.   Mothers who are the oldest in their families want to be in control and the boss.  These mothers refuse to relinquish any type of control over their daughters even though they may be grown.   They are always trying to tell their daughters what to do even though their daughters are quite capable of making their own decisions.   Furthermore, mothers who are the oldest, especially in medium and/or large families, may be envious of their daughters because the daughters received more attention than they did when they were growing up!  There are so many variables regarding mothers who compete with their daughters which include intelligence, educational levels, socioeconomic backgrounds, and looks.

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      1. 82

         tsarnaudovaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Well, I really agree that circumstances in one mother's life might been poorer than are now for her daughters... Of course the cultural background also values, and the family atmosphere in which the girls grow up.
         
         Perhaps in the common cases it is not real envy but slight sadness in the mother about missed opportunities or challenges not taken. However this sadness is always mixed with joy and love, and pride about the daughters. After all, children must step on our shoulders, and reach higher ground. I think that's what parents are for...

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         1. 83

            gmwilliamsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I totally agree.   However, there are some mothers who just don't get it!   They want everything for themselves and they believe that they should be living the dream, not their daughters.  They maintain that if they are not living the dream, why should their daughters!  You see that envy is lying deep in the mother's subconscious!

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         2. 51

            Proudmotherof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

            In a lot of cases it's real envy and they try to mask it with pretending it's rooted from sadness of missed opportunities and less economical means. But keep in mind no matter how you spin it, twist or ATTEMPT to justify it...your referring to something having a negative effect on your relationship with your daughter before she was even born. Nothing from ANY parents childhood should have a negative influence on your relationship with your kids. Notice i said Negative influence. We are all products of our environment to some degree but you are suppose to want better for your kids than you had and hopefully she will want better for her kids and so on! I feel like so many mothers are either obsessed with there daughter and don't want to let them grow up or in competition with them. And I'm not saying that there isn't love or joy in there at some points, but either situation is highly dysfunctional!

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   3. 60

      MelissaBarrettposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I couldn't hope to compete with my daughter.
      
      She's perfect in every way.
      
      So I'll settle for just being lucky enough to have her in my life.

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      1. 57

         NotPCposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Hey Melissa would you like to help me get my discussion started on how to increase forum visibility and lower the abuse of the question feature?

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2. 87

   WryLiltposted 12 years ago

   Well I compete with my mother. But that's because she's a homicidal bitch and I'm driven by revenge.

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   1. 60

      Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      

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      1. 83

         gmwilliamsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Oh come now, Disturbia!

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3. 60

   win-winresourcesposted 12 years ago

   Hi tsarnaudova-
   
   This would imply that a loving mother would begrudge her daughter her youth.  Your assertion would also apply to any young vs. old persons.  Wlie many folks may regret not living as fully as they might have liked, begrudging a child their youth is sad.
   
   I'm fond of saying that youth is wasted on the young.  I could do so much more with it. I have the time, money, experience  and committment to best utilize a healthier, stronger and more reslient body.
   
   Getting old ain't for sissies.
   
   -DW

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   1. 82

      tsarnaudovaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      It is human to have doubts. I've seen such examples in families arround me.
      I have two daughters, the elder at the threshold of puberty. She is becoming more and more independand and strong. More often than before the two of us struggle about daily stuff. I think that's part of growing.
      
      I agree with you about aging. I also thing that growing never stops. What I feel is that there is no place for envy between parents and children, if their relationship is healthy and strong as it should be. All ages have their own beauty.

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4. 60

   Courtney Leahposted 12 years ago

   I personally think that REAL mothers do not compete. What is a real mother? Someone who is mature and selfless. A mother already lived her in glory days years ago. Give the daughter a chance. Hey, I'm just saying.

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5. 60

   Monisajdaposted 12 years ago

   I think that any sensible mother won't compete with her daughter. Mothers see their daughters as wonderful emerging young women and they want them to be beautiful, successful and happy. Perhaps mothers who have issues see things differently...

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6. 69

   clairewaitposted 12 years ago

   As both a daughter and a mother, my thought is similar to the post a couple before mine...I might exchange the word "real" for "loving" however.  A truly loving mother isn't just selfless, mature, or self-confident.  She has worked her entire life to make her children important.  That kind of mother does not compete or get jealous, but looks at her successful daughter as a reflection of how well she did as a mother.

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7. 57

   rameenalemeposted 12 years ago

   good

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8. 93

   habeeposted 12 years ago

   I have three grown daughters, and I've never felt competitive with them. I love having girls! I have 3 built-in buddies now to shop with, go out to lunch with, get manicures/pericures with, and just have fun with.

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   1. 75

      Precious Pearlposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Love this ... I have that type of relationship with my teenager.  Admittedly, there is a transition that occurs in the relationship between a mother and daughter when they reach a certain age.  When that starts to happen talk about it and bring it out into the open ... it makes things a lot easier on you both.

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9. 73

   cheaptrickposted 12 years ago

   My experience was just the opposite.My second marriage involved a 17 year old step daughter who was provocative to the max,even displaying"Accidental"nudity when her mother wasn't home[only happened when her mother wasn't home].I'm sure it was competition with her mom.
   I finally spoke to her mom about it;the result was the kid never spoke to me again and her mom became hyper sensitive about My intentions.It finally turned into paranoia that I was cheating every time we were apart.
   She began our marriage a good women but slowly became abusive to the point of"CRAZY"accusing me of sexual trysts even if I was gone for ten minutes...Ya,it killed the marriage.

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