Is it fair for a parent to raise only some of their kids?

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   brittvan22posted 9 years ago

   
   Just this morning Jon Gosselin from TLC's Kate Plus 8 is seeking full custody of only Hannah. On the real housewives of Atlanta it was revealed that her mother had 5 kids, kept three and sent Nene and one of her brothers away. And she still has severe abandonment issues that were evident from her meltdown at the mere mention of her mother. So I ask is it ever okay to raise only some and send some away?

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      gmwilliamsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      No, it is not fair for a parent to raise only some of his/her children.  I believe that if the parent has the children, h/she should raise ALL of them.  However, there are extenuating circumstances in which some "parents" feel that some of their children are better off with other relatives than with them.  For example, a parent may send a child whom h/she believes has promise and/or potential to be raised by a relative who lives in better circumstances so that child will have MORE opportunities than if h/she was raised by the parent. 
      
      For example, my second youngest maternal aunt had 3 daughters, one before she was married and others by marriage  The 2 daughters by marriage lived and was raised by this aunt and her husband.  She never fully raised the first daughter after she was married, the first daughter remained with my maternal grandparents.  It appeared that the first daughter was barely tolerated by her mother.
      
      My aunt had her in her teens; because she was a teen mother, she forfeited educational opportunities, being relegated to dead end jobs.  Of course she resented this and was bitter, taking her frustration out on those around her, including me.  She screamed at the first daughter constantly.  She was a perfunctory mother who barely tolerated her daughter, leaving her to be raised by my maternal grandmother.  When she got married, she did not even take the first daughter to live with her, she had other children which she raised.  It's really a sad state of affairs if you ask me.

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         brittvan22posted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Wow that is a very unfortunate situation. What I have learned as a young mom raising both my seven year old and my 17 year old sister (Mom died) is that no matter how good or bad a parent is a child really craves for that bond. I have seen people that are horrible human beings, but their kids still see Mommy or Daddy. I think there are situations where people think they have the best of intentions, but even in those situations they must have a relationship, a bond, or play a big role in the child's life or they will act out in some way or form. And if the situation is not explained to them well of enough that they understand and the love is constantly reinforced the consequences can be devastating.  Thanks for commenting.

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            gmwilliamsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            You're quite welcome indeed.

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   psycheskinnerposted 9 years ago

   It is hard to judge without knowing the full situation.  Would it be any better to abandon all of them, especially if you really felt some would have the best environment elsewhere and others would not?

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      brittvan22posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Well I personally feel we are equipped as parents to handle our offspring. They know how far they can take it with us. Its true that some feel that their children would be better off, but in truth money never made anyone happy and sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side. There are moments when you want to throw up your hand and check out, but if you are committed to raising that child you have to stop take a breathier, reevaluate the situation, and keep working at it. I never thought at just 29 I would be raising my baby sister who was a teenager and now as she prepares to graduate, I think my mother laid the foundation and I just reinforced it and she is a pretty awesome kid. But every situation is different. I honestly do not think after my Mom any other family member would understand nurture my sister's essence the way that I do. I did not birth her but I was in the room, lol. We are 14 years apart, its definitely situational.

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   Silva Hayesposted 9 years ago

   It seems to me that a child would never recover from the hurt and abandonment issues if their parent chose to raise some of their children and not all. I can understand extenuating circumstances; as someone else said, if there is a gifted child who would have more opportunity if he or she went to live with Aunt So-and-So in New York City. But to just farm out one child and keep another to raise yourself, in my opinion, would cause a terrible amount of damage. It might be advisable to either give all of them up, or keep all of them.

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      gmwilliamsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      EXACTLY!

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      brittvan22posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      A lot of people do claim money troubles or in Jon Gosselin's case I think its anger towards Kate. One of my adopted cousins birth mother had six kids, kept five and the last one my cousin raised. Don't know her birth family well enough to say she would have been ruined or thrived under their care, but they did say they couldn't afford another child. Six doesn't seem much more than five, but whatever. I just think what if people in the 10s, 20s, and 30s thought like this. My grandma had six, her mom had 13, her mom also had 13. And they raised them all. Maybe its our society, because this would not be as acceptable in their time.  Now also I will admit in the 70s and 80s era I have seen them remove a child, but only if they felt it was being neglected by the parents.

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   Joe Fiducciaposted 9 years ago

   Obviously we don't know their situation aside from what media and news outlets decide to share.  Personally, though, I think I would have a very hard time making that type of decision.  Though I am father to only one child, the love I have for him is unfathomable.  And if I had two, I'm sure it would be split equally.  Thus it would constantly eat at me knowing I chose one over another.  I brought them both into this world. and both deserve the best a father can offer.

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      brittvan22posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with you wholeheartedly.

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   peeplesposted 9 years ago

   Not fair at all. However I have to wonder, what about divorce situations where the children are old enough to decide and one wants to live with say the mother and the other child wants to live with the father. How should that work? Situations are different. Children may suffer consequences either way. Also I use to work with a lady who had 2 children. One was seriously disabled and she was not equipped to care for him. So he lived with her parents and she kept the child who was not disabled with her. Should she have kept the boy with her even if she couldn't care for him?

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