At what point do you draw the line?
Today my mother used the keys I gave her in case I lost mine to enter my flat and put a letter in my kitchen. She had a good snoop around too. After her allowing my stepdad to hit me all through my childhood and teen years and finally driving me out of the family home at 16 (as I couldn't take anymore), is this the time to draw line and cut off all ties?
As we say in the southern US, "Bless your heart!" I'm sorry you've been through so much.
First, get your keys back so you have control of your space. Then, find a trusted friend or neighbor to keep your backup key. Nobody gets in your flat without an invitation from you. After being violated like you have, you need control over your personal space.
Then, find someone to talk to--preferably someone with experience helping trauma victims. A therapy that helped me with a different kind of trauma was EMDR, which you might find useful if you are diagnosed with Post-traumatic Stress, common with those who were abused as children.
You are a worthwhile person who deserves to be respected in your own flat.
Even though your mother snooped through your things is there anyone you can trust more than her with your keys?
In my experience parents who care snoop, it's just what they do.
Both my parents, who only spent 6 weeks together in their entire lives, were snoopers.
My father was still snooping when he had senile dementia. Mother snooped when she took me in to keep me out of a rest home. I was in my late forties at the time. It bothered me a little until I realized that she had been doing it my whole life but only because she really cared.
My step brothers and I were beaten once as a child, I came up swinging my brothers joined in and we sent my mothers boyfriend to the hospital. We never saw him again. He had a lot to think about for the two years he spent in prison for his crime.
One thing to remember no matter what your mother is always going to be the only mother you are ever going to have. If you back away do it gently, at some point in life you might actually want her in your corner.
If it had been the step father who was in your flat my answer would have been different.
i'll measure from one point out a certain predetermined distance, meaure out at another point and that's where i draw the line. i had to say that.
i don't think i would cut all ties but i would definetly get my keys back. as for the step-dad, if he abused you i would cut ties with him.
You KNOW where to draw the line.............
You do not need permission..............you need resolve and strength. I do hope that you are able to obtain it.
Very sorry that you had to go through all that, I would take the keys back and just let her know how much it bothered you that she did that and try to keep an open relationship with her.
I'd suggest just to take the keys back and to let her know that you don't like such a behavior. There's no need to draw the line, this act is not so terrible.
I think you have some excellent answers here, and it's refreshing to see how sensible and well thought out so many Hubbers are.
I'm really sorry to hear what you went through, and I honestly can't even imagine having had to leave home at sixteen (but I was also a pretty messed up 16-year-old). For that reason, it's hard for me to say where the line actually is, so while I'll give you my opinion, ultimately you're the only one who knows the answer to this question.
Certainly, I would agree with most who said that virtually all parents are snoops. There's really no way around it, and it truly is - at least in many cases - just a sign that they care. It's natural. At the same time, however, with your past, I can understand why you're upset, and I think what you should do is take the keys from your mother, and talk to her about why you're upset. Talking might be difficult, but if you don't talk it out, you're always going to be asking this question whenever you two reach a conflict.
Hi guys, thankyou all, some very sensible answers. Unfortunately (though for whom I'm not sure) this all came to a head tonight, when my mother and stepdad did it again, and got caught by me. They proceeded to knock on my neighbours doors trying to get info on me. When they tried to stop me from speaking and my stepdad tried his old controlling ways again and started squaring towards me I finally flipped. Needless to say, I got my keys back, they left very suddenly. I am now 'insane' because I got angry (I was never allowed to display emotion), 'lazy, not decent' and a 'disappointment'. They drew the line for me when they walked off without allowing me to speak and simply provoking me till they got the response they didn't want! All sorted I think!
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