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Is this relationship worth working on?

  1. profile image47
    Tibbyposted 9 years ago

    I just started seeing a guy a couple of months ago that I've known for 10 years. 
    Here's the plus side:
    - He tells me he loves me and I believe him although, I'm always the one that says it first  : (
    - He's usually very reliable when we do make plans. 
    - He's pretty good at returning emails 
    - He tells me that he loves me (although it's me that has to instigate) but I do believe him
    - We have a lot in common and he's very interesting and we really do have a really good time together when we do see each other. 
    - He says he's in it for the long-haul and that he has never had cheated on his lovers
    - He's always home when he says he's going to be home and always returns my calls.
    - Things were really good just not lately
    These are the negatives:
    - I'm the one that always makes the first move in almost every aspect
    - he's really ashamed of his place right now, because he lost everything in his last relationship, so I don't get been invited over
    - In his last relationship which was open, he had 3-somes with his partner.  He says that's in his past.  I hope so.
    - when we had a disagreement 2 weeks ago, he walked out on me.  In facebook next day he listed himself as "in a complicated relationship", which he changed the following day when he took his relationship status off completely.  He told me it was to get my attention.  Now he's listed as "looking for friendship" which I'm ok with, but it feels weird. 
    - lately he's been distant - although he says he loves me and maintains its because of his medical condition (which he has) and his company was in the middle of moving offices.
    I realize that it's only 2 months, but because I've known him for so long, even though casually, I feel like I've know him forever.  Question is:  Is this working on?  Do you think this is just a rough patch and I should see it through a little further or do you think I'm setting myself up for emotional fall-out.  Is it selfish of me to ask that we commit to spending weekends together?  Do you think things can change or is he delaying inevitable mediocrity?
    Any comments, advice, negative or positive would be really appreciated!

    1. profile image47
      Tibbyposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I dumped him on the weekend.  He didn't show up on time.  His excuse was "I work, get used to it".  He's a drama queen and I wrote this poem about him.

      MSN Facebook Drama Queen

      Websites are your only friends
      Chatlines help you make amends
      while strangers see your perfect smile
      from profile images you compile

      Every millisecond of every hour
      your inbox is your only power
      when it empties online off you go
      in search of others to devour

      Things are perfect when you control
      a person using digital
      the most passive and most perfect rape
      to make you whole, to make you great

      At any cost
      At any means
      MSN facebook drama queen

      Email texting narcissist
      you run like a child
      when things aren't best
      your online friends are just a lie
      they don't care if you live or die

      emoticons, a smiley face
      xo means in that special place
      silence means that you're afraid
      to meet and talk away the pain

      At any cost
      At any means
      MSN facebook drama queen

  2. Mark Knowles profile image60
    Mark Knowlesposted 9 years ago

    No.

    1. Misha profile image78
      Mishaposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      What he siad

  3. helenathegreat profile image84
    helenathegreatposted 9 years ago

    It sounds like it might be his personality to be reserved, or it might be because of his last relationship that he's lost all confidence.

    Obviously only you can make the decision of whether or not to work on it, but you should let him know what's bothering you.  But also let him know what you LOVE about him, like that he's reliable and loving!  Ask him if he feels comfortable taking initiative more often.

    I'd say give it a bit of time if you really love him.

  4. vreccc profile image56
    vrecccposted 9 years ago

    And yet another resounding NO

  5. helenathegreat profile image84
    helenathegreatposted 9 years ago

    Can those of you saying no clarify why?

  6. vreccc profile image56
    vrecccposted 9 years ago

    Did you read the negatives???

  7. helenathegreat profile image84
    helenathegreatposted 9 years ago

    Yes?  It seems like they could all be explained away and aren't necessarily automatic dump-him things...  Maybe I'm missing something?  I also almost always believe the best of people, so it might not be great to listen to me, haha.

  8. vreccc profile image56
    vrecccposted 9 years ago

    Being a guy has something to do with it for me. Also, I won't judge the 3-way thing. However, habits are hard to change, and if the 3-way isn't her cup of tea.... well... he's likely to get the itch and then want to scratch it.

  9. RFox profile image74
    RFoxposted 9 years ago

    Women are great at excusing behavior.
    If the men here say No, then listen.
    Men know men best.
    And I have to say from being a tomboy and hanging out with guys so much I have to add a No too.

    Sorry sad

    If a man truly loves you he takes the lead. It's in their nature. Even if they're super, super shy if they want you they will say something.

    Wait for the man who will call you just to talk. He's the guy who's really in it for long haul. Good luck. big_smile

  10. Angela Harris profile image69
    Angela Harrisposted 9 years ago

    I agree with the guys and RFox on this one.

  11. Mark Knowles profile image60
    Mark Knowlesposted 9 years ago

    Feel better?

    1. profile image47
      Tibbyposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I feel a lot better.  I really appreciate the support from you all.  I've never been on a message board before and you all really helped me in a time of need and confusion - and you don't even know me.  Thank you.  I'm a gay male actually (Tibby is the name of one of my cats).  I hope I did not mislead anyone and I apologize if that's the case.  I will say though that I find it ironic that problems in relationships can be parallel even given different sexual orientation.  The weird thing about this guy is that he is really scared about what I'm going to say about him.  We have mutual friends, and if they ask me what happened, he wants us both to say that it just didn't work out and that the other is "still a nice guy", I guess to save face.  I'm still really angry about how he treated me and the situation and don't think I can hold back.  Even in his rebuttal email to me yesterday he said things like, it's always about you...your needs...you are selfish...don't play the victim here...and then changed events to his suit his position.  All I wanted was to spend some time with the person I loved and I feel that he used that as control.  I feel that he was selfish and disrespectul to me.  I'm not going to make anything up, but I need to express myself.  He expects me to hold everything in and keep the whole thing like hush hush.  I don't consider myself vindictive but...I'm also thinking that if you want to treat people like crap, don't think that I'm going to keep this a secret...am I wrong?

      1. RFox profile image74
        RFoxposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        If people ask. Speak the truth. You can do that without malice because it's the truth. If he believes people will think bad of him because of the way he treated you, then what does that say about how he treated you wink
        Glad to hear you're feeling better. Kinda funny I assumed you were a woman. I don't usually make assumptions. Lol.
        Nice to see we were helpful to you. And happy to see you were strong enough and loved yourself enough to move on. Too many good men in the world to waste time on a dud! big_smile

      2. Mark Knowles profile image60
        Mark Knowlesposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        Well, this is not really a message board, but you are welcome.

        The name threw me too. I don't know many men called Tibby, so I just assumed also. The advice stands though.  big_smile

  12. Princessa profile image85
    Princessaposted 9 years ago

    No way...

    I like being treated as a Princessa and so should every women.  If he walked out on you, too bad. Someone who does not appreciate you, does not deserve you!   

    Just returniing emails and phoning when he sais he will is not enough to hold a relationship.  Come on, you do not even get invited over to his place!  When we love, we love THE person an expect the same in return.  I think that if you were not invited it was not for shame but because after a long relationship he wants to keep his privacy.  That is also why he is not prepare to 'jump' and tell you he loves you -without prompting.

    For get about him, or just keep him as a friend.  There are plenty of nice, loving men around. 

    Good luck smile

  13. profile image47
    Tibbyposted 9 years ago

    So much to learn.  Maybe you're right, I should change my alias to reflect correct gender...I'm thinking maybe Lance or Brock, what do you think ?  smile

  14. Mark Knowles profile image60
    Mark Knowlesposted 9 years ago

    What's your given name?

  15. profile image47
    Tibbyposted 9 years ago

    Yes, I suppose I could also use Chris.  Will do, thanks.  Issue resolved, thanks everybody.

  16. profile image47
    Tibbyposted 9 years ago

    One last note.  I realize now that I am not as much angry with the individual as I am with myself for getting into this situation.  I saw the writing on the wall a lot earlier but did not act on it because I wanted so badly to be with someone - to feel loved.  I do love myself and just have to be more selective.  I think we can get into patterns and my lifetime goal will be never to go back into this kind of negative energy again.

  17. Whitney05 profile image82
    Whitney05posted 9 years ago

    Cute poem.

    No comment towards the relationship. I'm not in a place to give advice in that area.

  18. profile image47
    Tibbyposted 9 years ago

    Thanks, actually, I added a few more lines...

    MSN Facebook Drama Queen

    Websites are your only friends
    Chatlines help you make amends
    While strangers see your perfect smile
    from profile images you compile

    Every second of every hour
    your inbox is your only power
    when empty online off you go
    in search of others to devour

    Forgotten what is face to face
    You make your friends in cyberspace
    Promoting sexuality
    Through virtual reality

    Messenger texting narcissist, you run like child
    when things aren't best
    your online friends are just a lie
    They don't care if you live or die

    At any cost
    At any means
    MSN facebook drama queen

    Perfect love when you control
    a person using digital
    most passive and most perfect rape
    to make you whole, to make you great

    emoticons, a smiley face
    xo means in that special place
    silence means that you're too lame
    to meet and (talk) away the pain

    Your facebook love is just a myth
    Which brags about the one you're with
    As status soon to be updated...
    "Relationship is complicated"

    At any cost
    At any means
    MSN facebook drama queen

  19. Angela Harris profile image69
    Angela Harrisposted 9 years ago

    Good for you, Tibby. (About dumping him, I mean.)

  20. babbintton profile image45
    babbinttonposted 9 years ago

    well, talking about marriage or love,firstly,compatibility mean alot in A relationship,but woman can be so dangerous sometimes,true love does not exist anymore,but its good be married.

    1. SparklingJewel profile image76
      SparklingJewelposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Men are just as dangerous as women in various ways...what danger are you talking about? What is true love...has it ever existed? Humanity has painted a picture of love that is confusing and misguided for the most part. Marriage and compatibility are good, I agree.

      1. profile image47
        Tibbyposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        I think we are all equally as dangerous given the circumstances.  But that's a different forum perhaps.  "What is love anyway, does anybody really love anybody anyway?"...If I may quote Howard Jones.

  21. privateye2500 profile image43
    privateye2500posted 9 years ago

    another simple - NO

    NO

    NO

    NO!

  22. profile image0
    MOmmagusposted 9 years ago

    I'm sorry, I think he just wants to screw you over.

  23. profile image47
    Tibbyposted 9 years ago

    Thanks.  You are sooo right.  Luckily I found out about the person early enough in the relationship.  It's incredible how emotions can be so overpowering and how they can alter judgement.  A very manipulative fellow indeed as I look into this in hindsight.  Oh well, another opportunity to write more lyrics!

 
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