I am prepared to get beaten up for this, but the reason I'm here is because I have no one I can confide in and I'm feeling anxious, depressed and bitter.
My life was turned upside down two years ago and while I have dealt with all the rotten things thrown at me, one night I decided to escape and it lead me to the love of my life.
I am a married woman who ventured into a chat room for the sole purpose of just forgetting about everything that was going on and just having some fun. I made up some rules before venturing in and I kept to them, but them I met him and everything changed.
The persona I created in the chat room was somewhat different from the real me, but doesn't everyone who goes into a chat room? She's single, no children, mid-30's. The reality, married, children, late 40's. He mid-30's, single, no children.
One night I was in the lobby area when he said hello, I said hello back. We chit chatted back and forth, nothing sexual, just normal talk, likes/dislikes, etc. We found we had tons of things in common, and honestly, it was intriguing. It was getting late, so I said goodnight. He wanted to continue talking and asked me for my private email address, I declined. Suddenly I blurted out, how about if we meet around the same time tomorrow night? We met up the next night and the night after that and after a few days, I created an account and gave him the information. We moved our chat to the email account and then I took it to the next level, I asked him for his phone number. Why? Because I wanted him to know I was a real woman and because I really wanted to talk to him. The more we got to know each other, the more and more interested we became in each other. I quickly felt myself falling in love with him and he did too. I knew all the details about him, and he had been honest and upfront about everything. I was honest with him for the most part. I told him about my family, growing up, work, future hopes, etc. All those things were real and true. I wanted so many times to tell him the truth about me, but I was afraid of loosing him so I kept up the pretense of who I was. We were planning on getting together and I knew I had to tell him the truth. He was ready to go to the next level, and so was I, but the truth was in the way. We talked about a lot of things and one thing was trust, how important it was to him and how if that was ever broken, that would be the deal breaker. Before I did all of this, trust was and is something I strongly believe in and was raised with. In order not to loose him, I lost the person I really am and forgot about integrity, respect, trust.
I wrote him an email detailing everything and I told him, once you read it, you are going to hate me, but I want you to remember all the love I professed for you and all the things I told you about how I felt for you are real, those were never lies.
He read the email, was furious, and rightly so, but after talking for a long time, he seemed to come to grips with it. Later that day, I emailed him, and he returned the email and told me he was broken and beside himself. I called him. He told me after spending hours re-reading everything I wrote he got angrier and angrier and questioned so many things. He felt it was best to move on because he could never trust or believe anything I ever said again. I understood and wanted to respect his decision. He asked me not to contact him again.
I called him because I hated the way things ended and asked him to forgive me one day, and asked him to maybe meet one day. I want to see him, I want to see his face (I've seen his picture), I want to hold his hand and give him a hug. He means so much to me, and I am in love with him. Not lust, love. He is everything my husband is not. Yes, I have remembered through all this that the grass is not always greener, but this man is my other half, no doubt about it. I have never in my life met anyone like him and I doubt i ever well.
He said he could not promise or commit to meeting because of how he was feeling and right now the chance of that ever happening is zero. I said, I don't want to meet in six months or a year, just one day. He said he'd think about it.
He told me he could have dealt with our age difference and would have dealt with kids, that never bothered him, but the lies I told he could not. If I had been upfront, he would have either offered friendship or maybe even moved forward despite my husband. My husband is a good guy, but we are so different in every way, and I always felt that I could deal with those differences but as time passes, it's getting harder and harder and all I'm doing is resenting him and this is making me hate who he is.
I wanted to tell him everything in person but due to a health issue, I'm unable to get on a plane.
I guess I'm feeling that if I really meant that much to him and if he really loved me the way he says he loved me, he should have given me a chance. I do think he loves me, but I think our age difference scares him, but I don't think he wants to admit that. I also think that he's worried about what his friends and family are going to think. He said that he thought we were on the same level, but I'm way more advanced in my life experiences and in a different place. He also feels that if I did this to my husband what's going to stop me from doing it to him. That's a fair statement, but I've never cheated on anyone, ever. However, my husband did cheat many years ago. I forgave him for the sake of our kids/family.
Honestly, I never thought I'd fall in love with someone younger than me, although I had dated guys who were younger when I was single.
With all the things we have in common and with all the love we share, I just find it hard to believe he would walk away from that. I'm not just saying that we are each other's halves, we really are. If we compare everything we like and how we are side by side, it's 100%.
I'm planning on making changes in my personal life, and not because I want to win him back, but because my husband needs to know how I'm feeling.
Should I hold out hope that he will forgive me and come back into my life or should I just walk away and forget any of this ever happened? My heart is broken into a thousand pieces and I'm feeling horribly depressed. I can't function and I can't stop thinking about him and everything I've done.
I look at my phone constantly wanting it to ring or for an email and I'm angry with myself for holding not wanting to let go.
If you were him, would you have forgiven me? Would you have stayed? Would you want to work things out? Is a 14-age difference between us too much and is that really the reason for him walking away and he's in denial?
Trust me, I know I did wrong and I will never forgive myself for what I did. I beat myself up every minute of the day because of what I did.
Well to be honest, i really can't say I blame the guy for walking away. Don't get me wrong, you seem like a nice person but if it were me, I would've done the same thing. Not because of the age difference or anything like that, but because you lied to me. therefore, i can understand where he's coming from, as he's probably thinking if you lied to him about your marriage, then what else could you have lied to him about? Not saying that what you just posted isn't a 100 percent true, but I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if that's what he thinks.
It sounds like you and your husband have issues, you both need to work out, due to unrequited affections for one another. If I were you, I'd have a serious talk with your husband about your relationship with him. You don't have to tell him about this guy you met online, but i do think you should talk to him about how you feel about your relationship going forward. Whether or not, you want to try to work things out, or just go your separate ways. Trust me, it's never fun for both parties to stay married if they don't love each other anymore. Just ask my parents, as they stayed married for a long time even though they both hated each other severely. Therefore, I think you owe it to yourself to talk to your husband about your feelings towards your relationship with him, to determine where you go from there.
If you both decide to work things out, then I wish you both luck. Just remember, a relationship isn't always going to be perfect, as it's all about compromise. Therefore, if you both want your relationship to last, then you both have to be willing to be more understanding of each other's needs.
If you decide to leave him, then I would probably stay single for a while until you get everything settled. Divorce can be a difficult thing to get over, and you might need time to think about what you really want out of life from that point.
as far as chasing after the internet guy, I wouldn't worry about him. if you've e-mailed him already, and he hasn't replied back, then it's probably a sign that he's no longer interested. Therefore, why chase after something that may not even happen? No, I wouldn't worry about it. If it was meant to be, then he'll come back. If not, then at least you can use this as a great learning experience.
I'm sorry to hear that this all happened to you, and wish you the best of luck in the future.
Thanks for your response. As hard as it is to admit, what I've written here is 100% true. I totally understand his perspective on this and if I were in his shoes, I'm not sure I wouldn't have done the same. I plan on having a chat with my husband, a hard one, and he's going to have to make some changes. I'm not perfect, BUT if you ask my husband, compared to other wives we are friends with, he'd be foolish not to wake up. Above all, family and children are important to me and if I can avoid a divorce, then I will, but if it's something I have to consider, then I will. It will all come down to what happens during my discussion. There are lots of details I haven't gone into on this post which would shed some light on my feelings for my husband but I promise you they are well founded. Thanks again.
hey it's no problem. just be sure to talk to your husband about your feelings, as life is too short to keep things bottled up inside like this. trust me, i know.
Thanks, and unfortunately, I do keep things bottled up because I don't like making waves, but then I get so angry that when I explode, it's ugly. I started a list, a bucket list, there's a reason for it, and the first thing I listed is to love and take care of myself first.
I will never understand why random people pop into sites like this and throw up on us all.
Yes, dear, you are right. When your husband doesn't act like you want him to, then it's prefectly okay to cheat. And as long as you're cheating, then it's okay to lie, fake your age, and pretend your children don't exist.
And yes! If you met him in a chat room then surely he is your soul mate, and only once fully united with him will you be 'complete'.
That will be what -your third husband? I believe you said as much, one ex at least, and one current who according to you better shape up or ship out, so your perfect secret if rather unwilling lover will be your third.
And you just know that the third time is the charm!
As an irrelevent side-note, I am sure, true, lasting happiness cannot be obtained from someone else. But if the first two failed to provide you with it, I am certain that the third try will be a total success!
Someone break out the bubbley!
Thanks for your lovely comments Mr. Perfect. You really don't know me or my circumstances so don't judge. I will be breaking out the bubbley this weekend, i'll lift up my glass to you. cheers and all that.
Ralwus has been banned due to this horsesh*t, and I am livid. There is no kinder, gentler man here. His post addressed something that YOU originally said. Why he was kicked out, I'll never understand.
Tommyj, I so agree with you, this feels like a whole lot of vomit that I don't need-nobody does.
I am even somewhat embarrassed that I chose to post here, but ralwus situation needs to be addressed.
..yea...i agree...only posting cuz of what you wrote....miss u ralwus!...love the poems....there's a couple of other folk missing too, but not cuz of this thread.....
Wow, that sucks. Ralwus never even really said anything *mean*!
Here's my simple advice, and it's too late to take it. NEVER start a relationship when you are already in one, no matter how screwed up it is. Sure, it's a rush, but it creates a lot of unforeseen problems.
Since you've already done it, either fix your marriage, or end it. If Mr. Wonderful is still there, it was meant to be. But don't lose yourself in your thoughts. Your thoughts aren't you. You need to rein them in and show them who's boss. When we don't, we become desperate people who do desperate things.
Thanks for the advice, late or not, I'll take it! I don't know that I want Mr. Wonderful anymore. If he's so rigid and unmoved by all the things I've done to apologize and try to make things right, then it's his loss. I'm showing him who the boss is by NOT every contacting him again, no matter what my stupid brain says. I am moving on. Bad lesson to learn but they all can't always be good. Thanks again.
Hi, I have been reading all the answers given to you and I must say that the only answer that addresses your concerns comes from
ddsurfsca. Coming from a male's perspective, he sounds to know exactly what he is talking about when he says that the guy must have been lying to you the whole time and that is why he wont meet with you.
Furthermore, honey you don't know this person, you fell in love with an image of a person you wanted to find. It was an imaginary love affair. It has been a whirlwind romance based on lies from both sides, but this isn't true love.
True love stays when all others walk out.
True love is kind, patient, longsuffering, not rude nor boastful, doesn't gloat over a wrong done to them and definitely doesn't destroy the life of another.
True love is selfless and you must recognize this in order to get over the fantasy you had with this person.
It was never real, it was all a figment of your hopeful imagination.
My advice is to try and work on your relationship with your husband. Communicate with him the longing of your heart. If need be, seek counseling, but please do not harm him just so that you can clear your conscious. If you need to clear your conscious, go to a counselor by yourself, journal, and seek ways of expressing your feelings in a way that will never hurt those who love you; in particular, your husband and your children.
May God bless you and lead you in the direction you should go. I will be praying for you and hoping you take control of all your wandering thoughts that have brought you to this confused state.
Thank you for everything you've said, and you are right. I've come to realize many things in the last 2 days and it's a bitter pill to swallow but I will do the right thing. I'm not going to tell my husband about the on-line guy, but we need to have a good long and def eye opening talk.
I am very happy that you will be seeking healthy commuication with your husband. Just remember, let this be a lesson learned, don't beat yourself up about it, and definitely learn from the lesson so that you wont do it again and get hurt. Love and peace to you
some pills are bitter.
What you do is your choice, but I can tell you...secrets are bad. How would you feel if you found out hubby was romanticly involved with another woman? and then pretended nothing happend? secrets aer hard ot hide..
the whole reason new guy got mad is ...LIES...do you really want to fix your marriage? or do you want out? Its none of my bussiness but that really is the first question you need to answer to yourself, honestly.
really, throughout this whole thread I cant figure out if your upset that new guy walked out, or if your still upset over hubby being less then what you deserve, and your trying to get back what you once had with him?
ps, Im not beign a jerk, my real life story is closer to your story here then you can guess...
I'm upset over what I did and feel really guilty that I hurt someone I truly care about. I'm not sure what is going to happen with my marriage, it's something we need to sit down and talk about, but that can't happen until my husband is back in town. Thanks for your response.
Well, the difference in age is a big one, but you seemed to have gotten along just fine despite the age. The problem is you are married, have kids and if you leave your husband, the problem will be that you are a divorced, ''older'' lady with kids. Why didn't you talk to your husband before getting yourself into all this trouble? Do you think you could give it a try there instead of thinking how to get your ''lost friend'' back?
I wish you all the luck...
My husband checked out of our relationship a long time ago, I keep everything together for the sake of keeping my family together. It's hard to have a relationship by yourself. I have no desire to rekindle my relationship with my online love. I've made the decision to move on and not look back. Thanks for your comments.
I am sorry about what happened to you.
Just cut all the communications with that man because in the end you will hurt your children and many people including yourself. We learn lessons everyday and it is bitter pill to swallow, but it is the reality.
Be honest with your hubby and tell him you want to talk about your relationship and if it can still be ironed out. Be fair with your hubby.
I believe in kharma, but I also feel for you. Decide on what to do about it based on your children's welfare first.
I know you are right and I know it's what I should do but I can't force myself to move forward. This morning, I wrote him an email saying goodbye, but I haven't sent it yet. I don't want to hurt my kids, they are the ones who suffer the most, but at the same time, do I really want to stay in a marriage that is broken? I am going to talk to my husband but I have no idea how that is going to turn out. Wish I had a magic ball I could shake up and it would throw out all the answers.
I believe in Karma too, hoping it takes pity on me and doesn't bite me in the ass too much. With all the stuff I've been through, I should be given a chance.
Thank you for not raking me over the coals too much and for your kind words and advice. Best regards.
I'm not believing this one.She joined 6 hours ago,has no hubs,no followers.. and yet here she is with this long drawn out fictional sounding story.....So .maybe she is a sockpuppet doing research for a real hub/ Actually maybe this is going to be her first hub...hummmmm I've been burt too many times by brand new hubbers with no hubs,no follwers. Cagsil gave me the heads up yesterday as one got my tender sympathetic answer....
Believe it or not, I don't really care what you think. I have no followers BECAUSE I'M FING NEW HERE! Did you when you first started out or did you bring a whole bunch of people with you? Or was your first post so special that you acquired 100 followers in an hour? Get a life, if you have nothing important to add, move on. Sorry, but I'm not in the best of moods and I have a nasty sharp tongue that I"m trying really really hard to contain.
WASN"T BEING MEAN, and was talking to ralwus, not you.
YOU said........"I am prepared to get beaten up for this, but the reason I'm here is because I have no one I can confide in and I'm feeling anxious, depressed and bitter".
then you say you don't care what we think. ...
We 'doubters' are quite justified. There are many sock-puppets and trolls on these threads that enter only to gain attention. It's been done over and over and lends to general suspicion.
Please don't take it as a personal affront.
What I'd like to see is a Hub written by you on this, I think you'd do a fabulous job.
i concur. i think you should probably turn this into a hub, instead of talking about it in forums. i bet you'd get a lot of clicks on it.
Because I have no outlet at all, I started keeping a journal in my email a few days ago but the journal doesn't really talk back. I've consider talking to my priest but I know what he's going to say. How do I confide in my friends or even my family? They would be pissed and would not understand at all how I could have let any of this happen. I grew up in a family where both sets of grandparents were married 50+ years and my parents just celebrated 50 years. Adultery, cheating, whatever anyone wants to call it is absolutely not acceptable. My dad stopped speaking to his brother because he cheated on his wife. So you see why I came here? Writing about the personal hell I've been through not only in the past 2 years but pretty much since I started dating has been good for me. I decided to be 1,000 honest with myself and look at why I chose the men I did and why I did what I did. Reality and honesty are ugly things but we have to face them at one time or the other. I'm sorry you've had issues with other people before, but it's unfair to throw stones when you don't know me or anything about me. Shoot me an email, I'll tell you a couple of things and you'll understand some things. I have no idea how to start a hub, but I will look into it. Thanks.
lolie6...lol! That we have! I use to fall for everything. But yesterday, I did it again. cagsil had to clue me, like you did that time. I am such a sucker for dad people. If she is sincere, she has ....no .....broken...YOU have my apologies.
I'm pretty sure 'gullible' is too strong a word. Caring, yes. Too caring, perhaps.
I'm not willing to offer myself as much as I used to. Call me cold and unfeeling, but 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.'
Hey there, bayoulady-we were stung, both of us, not too long ago!
HI Lorlie! I didn't see your post until I had already reminded you of that night. I did say i'm sorry IF she is sincere, but.........it was if she joined and went straight to the forums...so I thought it was fishy. Perhaps now I am TOO cynical. Gullible is my middle name.lol!
I see this whole story like this. IF, this is all true, the only reason to tell your hubby anything would be to clear you guilt, to feel better and this is purely selfish. Also, what makes you think that the only reason this unseen guy broke it off with you because of what you did? Have you ever stopped to consider that when you are talking over the internet with someone, they can tell you anything and be anybody. Perhaps your new BF was purely a liar who got his jollies by telling you fantastic lies about who he was. Maybe he was just a lonely 60 year old man who took advantage of your excitement and "love" for him. When it came down to actually meeting it was easier for him to make it your fault.
Now, if this whole thing is true, you really do not know anything for sure about any of it. Dont burden your REAL HUSBAND who you know and have seen, with some fantacy story about an "infidelity" that may have only been a thought in your head.
Love your husband, keep the computer on, change chat rooms and find another fantasy BF, but this time remember as you go along that none of it is REAL.
Well, it's true and believe whatever you like. I'm exhausted from thinking and I'm tired of wondering and I'm tired of hoping. I have given thought to the fact that maybe he did lie and this was a good out - maybe, I don't know. But I hate to think that all the feelings we both poured into each other were untrue. How can you feel so much love for a person and from a person and it not be real? I don't know. I've seen his pictures and he's seen mine and I did get the chance to talk to one of his friends on the phone, and I do have information on his business and what he does. I don't plan on telling my husband about him, I've decided against it. I don't want him to throw anything back in my face and say that I did this as revenge for what he did. This was nothing like that. Why the hell would I wait 10 years to do so? I am going to talk to him because I want him to wake up/grow up or whatever anyone wants to call it. I can't take on any more mental stress because I feel I'm about to explode.
A couple of my very first hubs, in fact, my 6th and 7th hubs were about a couple of doosies I had chatted to for a long time that had lied to me. I can't self-promote but if you're interested put in "Hawaiian Nudist Vollyball Cowboy" or "Online Romeo". LOL
Brokensoul, I sent you an email.
when I was pregnant with my daughter, I belonged on an on-line expectant mothers/baby website. There was a woman who claimed she was pregnant, and about due, and one day she posted about her miscarriage. We were in tears and I was beside myself and terrified the same thing could happen to me. We discovered it was all crap, she made it all up as a way to get sympathy and to trick the board. I would never waste this much time and energy on something that wasn't true.
OK, now you see why we were so skeptical. Don't be so thin skinned in these forums, you'll be torn to shreds. I won't say I am sorry, yet. Be careful of what you ask for 'round here, that's all.
I'm not thin skinned, trust me, I'm a professional woman and I deal with a "man's" world every day. They don't call me dragon bitch for nothing. I am just not one to spit on anyone without knowing all the facts first. I understand there are people in this world who are cruel and enjoy "attention" no matter the cost, but that's not me. One of the reasons I am so worried about leaving him behind is because I do care about his feelings and what happens to him. I hate that I've hurt him so much.
I don't think I blame this guy either, when you find out you have been lied to then it is always going to be on your mind, will they lie to me again.
I chat with guys too and as a matter of fact I have found some really great guys that way. But I was always honest with them and with my husband.
My husband doesn't have a jealous bone in his body, and he knows that I will always tell him the truth. We do have issues in our marriage, who doesn't. But honesty from me is not one of them.
To be honest here, I think you should forget this guy and try to work on your marriage, if this is impossible, then take whatever steps you need to take.
Then once you are free, then you can pursue whoever you want.
But you better make damn sure this is what you want. Cause burning bridges makes it near impossible to turn back.
I've posted some responses above. I've always been honest with my husband about my on-line chatting, etc, he even had my password and I never had any issues with him checking up on whatever I was doing. This happened and I'm not proud of it. I don't know if I want to fix things, there are too many broken things and too much resentment. A husband should be there for his wife 100%, it's for better or worse, sickness and in health, not when it's convenient for him. I have way too much resentment towards him right now. We'll see what happens once I talk to him.
You made a big mistake when you lied. But don't beat yourself up over it. It happened. You're much wiser now.
This is how I see it. When you love someone, you just love them. No matter age difference, no matter lies, no matter whatever. The other person can do almost anything and you'll forgive. Also, you can't just leave someone you love and you certainly wouldn't if there was a change of getting together. So this guy clearly doesn't love you. Any excuse from his part to not meet or at least keep in touch is a sign that he's not interested.
Hi Bayoulady, I must say you nailed this one right. Something is amiss. Thank You!
Oh, but we have to believe you are a coal miner's son because you said so on your blog or whatever you want to call it. Right? Hummm me thinks something may be rotten in PA. Should everyone poke holes in your story?
Hi Cyber...I'm sure gonna feel bad if I am wrong though. I'm not a meanie. I have just been a sucker too many times ................worried myself sick one night about a "person" who claimed to be a young teen. she sounded suicidal. lorlie and I tried to help. we were duped.
I chatted with several girls online for a long time before meeting them. I thought each time that we really click and all that.
Then the very first time I met them I had no desire to be around them. You don't know anyone until you meet them in person, trust me.
So move on and leave the poor guy alone, life happens.
You have to work out issues with your husband. If you can save your marriage and you are both willing to work on it or if there are no insurmountable issues or you even feel you would prefer not to, move one. I have no idea if this man would forgive you in the future or not. He many not and you will have no choice but to live with it. I can tell you from experience, I was married to my first husband when I met my second husband on line. We have been together 14 years. I have some experience in this area. No one knows about this situation but you. I do agree that there is no reason to tell your husband (I forget who said that), there is just no point except to hurt him. Good luck with your decisions and try to follow your heart, it will never lead you to the wrong place.
Thanks Moonchild. I'm glad things worked out for you, but it doesn't always happen that way. I know for me to be able to salvage our marriage, I will have to forgive a lot of things but I don't know how much I can forget. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt anyone at all. Things are complicated and what I've written here doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. Thanks again.
Brokensoul....your opening line indicated you were prepared to take a beating. Don't be surprised when some take you up on it. As I commented above, I thought they were a tough crowd. Don't let the negative comments get to you.
Sorry, it's just that if you sling mud at me, I'm going to throw it right back. I'm nice but not that nice.
Hi Broken Soul, I have noticed that you have joined Hubpages 10 hours ago. Welcome to our fabulous community. After reading through this thread and seeing a lot of "mud slinging" as you call it coming from you towards well respected hubbers and friends in our community, I can't help wonder what it is you are looking for?
Why not take the advice offered and write a hub about your situation?
I so appreciate the responses I've received from some of the hubbers. They have said out loud some of the things I feel to be true, but don't want to face. What I was looking for, I got from some of the responses and I truly, truly appreciate their advice. I'm going to look into writing a hub, I started writing about this for myself, as a way to cleanse my soul but also as a way to look at where I am and understand how I got there. Thanks
Not mud slinging. You would be surprised how many come on the forums within an hour of registering to bear their soul. We get pulled in BECAUSE we are a pretty nice group. Then, the jokes on us. After a while, we get cynical, but not heartless.
Maybe if you stick around and get to know me, you'll see I am a real person, with real feelings, not some dumb ass troll who gets off on hurting others. This wasn't about pulling anyone in and playing with anyone's emotions. This is just a desperate person with no where to turn. This morning I woke up in a different frame of mind because of something that happened late last night. The horrible hurting feeling is not so bad today but I'm still hurting.
It sounds to me as though the "hurt" you're feeling is really anger at yourself (as in "how the f*ck could I have been so stupid?" The title of the thread is a bit of a giveaway lol.)
I am always amazed when brand new hubbers come to the forums to bare their soul about relationships of all kinds or mental illness or their losses of people and things - I guess its just something I would never do - what possible expectation can one have that some hubber is going to give the words of wisdom that will put everything right for you? Its fun to read these - they are like soap operas, and its fun to watch it unfold sometimes - but I never for one minute believe it or believe I can actually help. Sometimes I offer advice if its an area I know about for real - but I still think people are not wise to give this personal info here or anywhere online.
I think people later regret they have been too open about themselves (or for all the lies they've told if they are trying to get people to believe their stories) and its too late - you can't take back what you've written here you know. Prospective employers, friends, family or creditors can easily come here to research you and find out all this - your husband can easily find these posts! Wise up!
People's actions don't always make sense, there isn't always an expectation behind them, especially when they are driven by emotions.
You find this funny, because you've never felt what she feels.
The post would be personal only if we knew anything about the poster's person, which we don't. This story is pretty average anyway.
...i agree ...bob found my posts and now he wants a divorce!...it's my own fault.....and then my darn cat farted!
That's what makes us all different, we choose to do what we feel is right for us. For me coming here, hiding behind this online person, is better than loosing my friends and family over my stupidity. I'm glad you have no need to bare your soul to anyone but it's sad that you take joy in someone else's misery. Sad.
not exactly "taking joy" in your unfortunate situation - it just reads like a soap opera which I find "entertaining" - but not funny or joyful by any means, just entertaining the way soap operas are
- and your situation is certainly not life-threatening or tragic like some other hubbers who have truly awful things they have to face like deaths, illnesses, and other life traumas and their stories are very sad - yours just isn't - its more like, if true, you put yourself in the predicament you are in knowing full well that lies and deception would get you just what you ended up with. You expect us to feel sorrow for you? It sounds like some kind of fantasy you're living in. Also its great that you examine your own life and see how you got married to someone you have little in common with - but you probably know what I'm gonna say next:
you made your bed, now you have to lie in it!
This situation is not life-threatening, but what I've been through and what I'm going through (forget about on-line guy, totally not related) is tragic. Death? possible....illnesses, check.....trauma, check. Throw some more at me because God has decided to throw the book at me! Maybe he's up there like you enjoying my misery. Don't feel sorry for me, I still do not feel sorry for myself despite everything I'm going thru, but I am pissed.
I've been doing some self-analyzing (why pay a shrink who is only going to ask, how did that make you feel...been there) and have been honest with myself about everything and it sucks.
By the way, I had a conversation a few years ago with a friend about my marriage and some other things and I told her, "I made my bed so I'm going to lie on it for as long as I can or have to". So you see, I can face reality and live in it.
brokensoul, i wouldn't take what mega said personal, as she's a very good and sweet person once you get to know her. therefore, i know she didn't mean anything ill by what she said to you. however, she is right to some degree, as you have to remember since this is an online forum and there's been various accounts in the past regarding sock puppet accounts harassing and trolling other hubbers. Heck, one hubber committed suicide over it, I think. Therefore, you have to understand the skepticism here, as your still fairly new here and nobody knows you, so a forum like this is bound to draw controversy. It might be different if you were an established hubber that we all knew but since your not, you have to understand the skepticism involved. Thus, please don't be mad at mega, as she's a good person.
As far as your doubts about shrinks, I'm sorry to hear that the one you went to didn't work out. However, like any business, you are aware that not all of them are going to be the same right? After all, who's to say another shrink may not be a lot different? You never know. You can't base it off seeing only one person. Besides, if you took your car to a mechanic and he did a terrible job fixing your car, are you going to assume that all mechanics are con artists that do half a** work? No, you'd take it to another one, right? And this new car repair shop you take it to, might actually be helpful. Look, you don't have to see another shrink if you don't want to, as it's your life. However, getting a second professional opinion never hurts. Especially when it comes to doctors, as not all doctors or shrinks are going to operate the same way.
Thanks Steven, I'm sure she is and maybe in time she'll get to know the real me. Trust me, I know all too well you need to seek second and third opinions and not everyone is the same. We'll see what happens, I'm pretty stubborn but if I feel that I have to go the professional route, I will. I just posted above that I woke up in a different frame of mind this morning. Still hurting but the sun is shinning way brighter today.
This sounds all too familiar. You are not the ony married woman who has fallen for this. I have made it my mission to write about topics such as this one; partly from personal experience and partly from hearing the experiences of other women I try to help. You were looking for the excitement that was lost in your marriage. He fulfilled that wonderful, warm feeling of first love. But what was the relationship based on? You were not you. He felt betryed. How do you know that he was up front and honest with you as well?
Yes, your feelings were real. Yes, you went into it with your eyes wide open. The fact remains that this was a long distance relationship, you never met face to face. The internet and telephone have a way of making it easy to masquerade as any person you wish. You must take the steps to detach yourself from this damaging attraction. Please seek the help of a professional counselor to help you work through this. Many women go through this same thing and risk everything for what they thought was love, only to find the sizzle was not what they bargained for after all.
I have written several articles on this very subject. I urge you to read them and think a very long time. Your feelings are important.
You are right, he felt betrayed because I did betray him and his trust. I will definitely check out the articles. I don't do shrinks....and no offense to anyone who is, but I went to one many years ago and I got absolutely nothing out of it. I know things will get better, but that's the "Pollyanna" in me.
This is a difficult situation for sure. I know you must be hurting over this, but maybe it's time to take a real good look at what you have right in front of you. At home...
Sometimes it takes an incident like this to open your eyes. But then again, it's not good to hurt others or be hurt. If you told your husband, it would be disastrous. I hope you can move on from this. I remember a year ago I was ready to leave my husband but my eyes opened to what I had & I learned to appreciate it. Remember what Ben Franklin said:
Sweet words are like honey, a bit may refresh but too much gluts the stomach!
I do like that quote and it's so true Here's one I came across and have made it part of my signature in my personal email:
We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams010
It reminds me every time I read it of what I lost but today I decided to put on my big girl panties and get my life back in order. I'm going to go slow, think about everything and I know I'll make the right decision. Thanks for your message
Broken soul, you neet to get yourself together. Start with a clean slate and talk to your husband and see if anything can be salvaged and go on from there. Don't call that man, you messed him up enough. If he wants to give you a second chance he'll call you.
Just, my two bits.
Thanks, flightkeeper, I've decided to start with a clean slate and will talk to my husband sometime this week. He's out of town so, i have to be patient, something I know nothing about lol.
Starme77, i saw your reply before and I am so sorry you are going through so much and if I can help in any way, please let me know. I hope there is a way you can recover what was stolen from you, but it doesn't sound like it. Best regards.
So.....this is what happened at 1 a.m. I was having a hard time sleeping, so I decided to write and I got an IM - guess who? But let me back track. I don't do drugs, so I'm not talking from experience, but I imagine this is what a junkie feels like when they have to get a fix. We haven't spoken in a week, but I was driving back home, I grabbed my phone........I dialed his number.........he sent me to voice mail............I hung up, no message left. That overwhelming feeling of wanting to talk to him of missing him is what I deal with every minute of the day and I hate it. If there is romance rehab, I need it.
He IM's me.....I saw a missed call, yes, it was me, I'm worried about you and I just want to make sure you are OK. I'm a big boy...yadda yadda....we rehashed everything all over again, went around and around in circles, he was yellling, i was controlling myself, more back and forth, more blame, more mea culpa, yadda yadda yadda.
I said, since you requested we have no further contact, why didn't you just ignore the fact that I called and why why are you contacting me now? I said, I'll tell you why, because you don't want to end this and you can't walk away but you have to much pride to admit it. That question pissed him off. When I cornered him, he lashed out.
That situation reminded me of my x-husband who was abusive. Whether or not I did something wrong, I always ended up apologizing, not once or twice but over and over and over. It gave him a thrill and power and I allowed that to go on for many years.
I get that he is angry, and hurt but how many times can I say I'm sorry? How many times can I say I know I caused all of this, I know I did wrong, I know, I know, I know. If he forgave me and we gave the relationship a shot, is this what I'm going to have to live with? I don't think I can do that. He has some great qualities, but I can't go back to being in a relationship where I'm going to be up against the wall, finger in my face, and me saying sorry over and over and walking on eggshells in order to avoid the next argument.
That conversation opened my eyes and that light bulb went off in my head.
So that's why I woke up in a different frame of mind.
There's so much romance out here ( uncomplicated romance ) Whether you decide to rekindle things with your husband or move on from your marriage....love is suppose to feel good and solid....like a immovable rock. With time and space you'll be able to move pass all of this, and in the process make room for true ( in person ) love and romance.
Wow, a lot of drama, but not one to judge you...don't be selfish in this situation because then you are creating more drama. He is young, you have kids, he has none...think through it is all I am saying. Write a hub about it...tell all the lesson you learned, etc.. and so on. Good luck, it's never easy
This is my very first day on Hub Pages. This is my very first read in a Forum. However....I've been around chat rooms for eons of years and this woman is creating her own drama for her own sake and the more people answer her or deal with her, the happier she gets. So this is my last post on this particular topic. (Been there, done that more than a few times!) Can't wait to find out more about Hubs!!
I don't think that's very nice of him...I mean
we all lie in a chatroom yes, so you couldn't tell him the truth right away.....I know you made an error ,,,but
I compare this to my brother who is sort of a playboy and dates alot, he found a woman who's early 40's and he's late 30's
anyways they both fall in love , just like him and his ex, but he'll never marry her because she's divorced and esp cause she has 2 kids. I know it's not like having your own, but if he loved her (or his beautiful ex, who had no kids but was divorced ===and for an abuse reason== well wouldn't he if he really loved her?
This is how I feel about the guy you mentioned. I mean so we can forgive each other if one cheats so why not he forgive you? You mean well....Can't he see how torn you are? OR..............is it he REFUSES to see......then this is what seems to be the case. You need to forget him and remind yourself you fell in love with a man who has "too difficult standards"......That's my gut instict.
Schoolgirl FOR REAl
It's his pride that won't let him be rational, that's what I believe. For him, I broke his trust and that's all he is seeing. He won't rethink his position and is standing firm by his decision. I am standing firm by mine which is now to close he door and move on.
I am not God and I am not here to judge anyone. I can tell by your writing that you are good at writing bs or you are in pain. Going to go with my gut and say, you are in pain. My only advice comes from being married for awhile. First, put effort into your husband, you married him for some reason..find what they are again! People grow apart. If you decide you want to end the marriage, end it and move on. Finally, do not ever change who you are for anyone! If you have to be someone else, then ask yourself, Is it worth it? Much luck to you.
I will only say that your honesty leaves much to be desired. This is coupled with the fact that this is all, or seems to be, behind your husband's back. Been married for 35 yrs. Honesty is something that once thrown upon the fire, is nearly impossible to retrieve. Search yourself. Fix what is broken, within and without you.
Here are some of the thoughts that tumbled through my head as I read the post. It kind of created a nice little summary.
- Married. Bad experience. Want to escape.
- Escapes by creating a persona online. Pretty normal.
- Met a dude in a chat.
- Falls in love with said dude, whether real or fake.
- Gets serious, perhaps time to break the persona, bears self to this person who may or may not be what he says he is.
- Despite admitting to being a liar and also lying behind hubby's back, says that the online guy should've given her a chance anyway.
Then I read other replies.
- It's okay to lie to hubby about online stuff, just tell him how you feel.
- True love is patient, kind, long-suffering, neither rude nor boastful, etc.
- Get over imaginary relationship and focus on the real one.
- Secrets are bad.
- Love hubby, keep online imaginary life.
Wow. My head was spinning! I'll answer your questions, though.
So, number one, let's say this guy was real and he had really fallen for you. If I was that male and I had really known you, then yes, I would have forgiven you. However, as that male didn't truly know you, it's harder to forgive and stay, especially when he fell in love with the persona you created and not *you*. Would that really be his fault??
Number two, say again that I'm that dude that totally fell for you and everything I said was true to you and you lied to me. Okay, and the chances of having to get to know you all over again? Sure, why not. I'd be open and curious. However, if I wasn't being true about myself and someone else (like you) was taking this way too serious, then perhaps I'd shut down, get angry, and move on.
Number three, no, honey, 14 years age difference ain't a big deal when you're in your 30s and 40s. I'm 22 and my husband is 39. 17 years difference!! Our life is amazing. Age difference will probably seem less of a big deal to others when I am in my 30s and he is in his 40/50s. It's only a big deal when someone cannot look past your age, perhaps that person is a lot younger or more immature than you thought.
My last thoughts:
I feel for ya on resenting the guy you're married to. I mean, I was with a boyfriend for 5 years and I didn't really know why. I wasn't truly in love with him.
I also feel for your husband because my current husband had a cheating/absent wife in his previous marriage, too.
Stop score-keeping. You're doing it. It's irrelevant and pointless. "My husband did it, so it shouldn't be a big deal that I did it too". That goes downhill FAST.
I believe your husband does deserve to know you did it. Someone said telling him might be a burden to him and possibly unnecessary. I disagree. If you didn't want to burden him with that knowledge, you shouldn't have done it in the first place.
"If we compare everything we like and how we are side by side, it's 100%." You sounded so sure of this. Then, later on, you said, "I don't know that I want Mr. Wonderful anymore. If he's so rigid and unmoved by all the things I've done to apologize and try to make things right, then it's his loss." You're flip-flopping. I understand that you're stressed and upset enough to flip-flop. But if you're flip-flopping that much, you need to step back and realize maybe it's not really his loss. Maybe you just needed to believe in something, even if it isn't really there.
I don't believe online relationships are bad. I don't believe that multiple relationships are wrong. What's wrong is lying and hiding from each guy what's really going on with you.
Hope that helped.
Another thing, Hubpages isn't just a forum place to vent stuff on. It's not some random place to just post sob stories in forum posts. It's really a writer's community. So, your finding this forum and posting in it confuses me.
Here's what might truly help you. I have firsthand experience with experienceproject.com and it is a lot of fun. Okcupid might seem like a weird suggestion, but it's a fun community. Even those who are already in relationships and are just looking for friends are on there. Quizzes are fun. Getting advice is very nice on there. Other links, I googled randomly.
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups … Online/285
Wow, I can't believe I actually wasted those last fifteen minutes of my life reading this...but I got hooked in somehow.
I usually keep my "not so good" opinions to myself but Brokensoul...you're an idiot!
Been sick and haven't had a chance to pop in read and post. I'm trying to move on from all of this and have been slowly working on a hub. I really do appreciate the good, bad and ugly remarks.
I want to thank you for your e-mail. Also, I want to put this out in the open.
We're emotional beings. We really are. I've been thinking over this due to a lot of other stuff I stumbled across and read. Life isn't quite as strange as we make it out to be, we're the strange ones! We deal with so much emotion and filter life through that. That's how we respond to other people, too, and how we fall for people.
Anyway, I do wish you the best of luck.
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