Hello to all of you out there in Hub World. I am here to discuss something I have been dealing with f. I feel like I should be extremely descriptive, but all the writing in the world won't change the fact that my boyfriend, who I love very much, is a drug addict.
Now, I know some of you out there would tell me "What question is there? Just leave!!"
But it's not that simple.
My boyfriend and I haven't been dating too long, only about 2 months, but I've known him for some time, and he means so very much to me. He's the first person I've ever really loved who seems to return that love just as passionately. Our relationship is certainly different from some, and I knew what I was getting myself into from the get go.
I'm 21 and he's 19, but we're only 1 year and 10 months apart, so he's not that much younger than me. He's really one of the most wonderful people I've really ever met, and I'm not just saying that because I see him through rose-colored glasses. I'm very honest with myself when I meet people, always trying my best to see them for who they really are, building upon that as I get to know them. I am well aware of his flaws, as he is with mine. We don't have many secrets at all. We tell each other almost anything. There are still things I haven't shared with him yet and I'm sure things he hasn't shared with me, but that comes with time, and he's been very honest with me about the drug thing.
I guess you're wondering what I need advice about. I guess I really just need to tell someone. I haven't told anyone about this, especially since it's no one's business. But, I get a little sad. (He's addicted to DXM, by the way) He's goes about a week or two, then he does DXM twice, and it's kind a of a repeated process. But, it's considerably less than what he used to do because he found it to be a serious problem. He did it a lot more when he was younger. But you can only robo-trip so much, anyway...
He has joined this Narcotics Anonymous group that he goes to
Sometimes family and friends can be the best source for help with a problem such as this. Have you considered an intervention?
Well, unfortunately his family isn't the best in that department. I think that he really wants to stop, and has been taking little steps here and there to change. I know he can do it, he's just got other issues as far as self esteem and insecurities that I think resulted from family life that makes it harder for him.
TW, 2 months is not a long enough time no matter how well you share confidences with someone to risk a world of hurt and disappointment. Let your friend get off the drug absolutely before you even think about a long term relationship.
TW, 2 months is not enough time no matter how good you feel about someone to risk a world of hurt and disappointment. Let your friend absolutely get off the drug before you even consider a long term relationship.
Hi, ATW. I also fell in love with a drug addict. But then, so was I. 'Was' being the operative word. He is now a recovering addict as am I. What I'd like to add to these wonderful and true comments-mostly-is that when we married, he was 13 years younger than I and we are gloriously happy now.
I'd suggest you give it a go-married or not-and get him and yourself some help.
Take good care!
I have written a hub on menopause, in it contains a hotline for drug addiction, and a self help book, Depression Free Naturally. Many times an addiction, no matter what it may be, can be a genetic thing, or a glitch. The doctor who wrote this book, runs a clinic in minneapolis, who has extensive experience in addictions.
once or twice a week... is how that was supposed to end. I don't know how part of that got cut off.
The situation seems complicated, because you've only been dating a couple of months, you don't really know him, so I'd say be cautious. I think it's good that he's trying to get help with his drug problem, so if you're committed to riding this relationship for the long haul good and bad, I say continue to support him throughout his recovery process.
You have to know that his concern is about how him using drugs affects you and that has to give him a stronger desire to quit. If he continues down the drug road, you have to leave and most importantly is that you don't see him as a problem you can fix, but that you see him for who he is.
Thank you for your comment. I've known him for about a year and 2 months now, but we've only been dating 2 months. And I knew what I was getting into. I don't see him as a project. I try my best never to see people that way, but like I said in my post, for who they are. I care about him very much and he knows where I stand. And he knows that as long as he is doing something about it and is trying to and wants to quit, I'm not going anywhere and I am in it for the long haul. He also knows that I won't look down on him, or see him as disgusting or a silly junky or whatever. There's more to him than his addiction and I don't want him to be afraid to be honest with me.
I don't know the entire situation, but it sounds like you know what you're doing in the relationship. If he was showing any signs of being abusive toward you, I'd say leave, but if he's struggling to overcome something and sincere about it, I say stick with him through it and see where the 2 of you go. Your bond may be stronger because of it.
Does his drug use bother you? Do you feel it prevents him from being fully present and available for you? Has he had any negative consequences from his drug use or is he simply recreationally using drugs and like partying with them?
Is he wrapped up in doing drugs or does he also have a life and responsibilities. In other words, do you feel that doing drugs is holding him back from being the person he could be or wants to be?
Of course there are dangers associated with using any drug, especially illegal ones. But there are dangers associated with drinking and smoking cigarettes, too.
If he's going to NA meetings that's a positive step that sounds like he wants to change his life. There are tons of young people out there working to get sober. AA especially has a strong young people's group (and yes, 99% of them are also addicts so don't worry about being excluded for not having the bottle be your primary fix).
I guess what I'm not getting from your post is are you cool with his drug use? Does he want to stop? Will that change your relationship?
If he doesnt' stop is that a deal-breaker for you?
You actually touched on an important issue. You said he has self-esteem and insecurities issues. So does every junkie/drunk on the planet. We treat the issues with substances that make us feel better about ourselves. Until they stop working, or they start causing havoc in our lives, or our loved ones get upset and leave over our drinking/using, or stage an intervention on us.
So then we take out the substance.
Ok so far.
But the insecurities and self-esteem issues and other pretty basic character defects are still there. SO how do we deal with those? The 12 steps. They give us a design for living we could never have figured out while loaded.
If he sticks with NA I bet you will see a big change in him.
If you want to be really supportive, go with him to meetings and listen for yourself to how others express their feelings and reasons why they use and how their lives have changed since getting clean/sober.
I wish you both all the best.
There is HOPE out there and it sounds like he's getting it.
Well Mighty Mom, his drug use is complicated. While he is committed to getting Dxm out of his life, he still enjoys drug use in general, mainly the naturals like weed and shrooms, etc. Although he wants to try a lot of things just once except for highly addictive opiates. But he's dropped acid before and taken shrooms and he smokes weed as often as he can. He's into psychedelics. I don't really like his drug use, no. But, at the same time what can I do? I've finally found someone that I really connect with, and on so many different levels, that I really enjoy being with and around (when he's sober or only slightly weed high) And I hate to treat him like he's disposable or something, you know? He really means a lot to me, but I know he won't ever just stop using all drugs altogether because I don't like it.
Hi A Thousand Words.
From your description maybe he is not an addict but just experimenting with drugs.
Sounds like the relationship is still strong and you are basically happy with this guy but not thrilled with this one aspect of him.
You can always find other things to do with your time when he's high and save being together for when he's sober or just buzzed.
If you find that you're spending more time away from him than with him, then maybe that's his clue to cut down....
Hi Thousand Words - After reading this thread up to this point, I was ready to tell you to continue to support him. I don't know what DXM is but when you disclosed that you've known him for 14 months, you're only 21, he's 19, not long enough to know anyone really, and now you say he's heavy into pot and 'likes' psychedelics, IMO you're justifying, compensating and enabling,. Perhaps, and this is entirely possible, you're 'in love' with the person he becomes when he's high, which sounds like quite often. He smokes weed every chance he gets, does DMX twice a week, and likes shrooms. Do you hear yourself? Maybe you're the one with the issues. Low self esteem women go for abusers of all sorts or men they want to 'fix' or men who are too weak to control them. You have all three. Fix your own life and forget about him and his. Much love to you, by the way. This is meant in the spirit of motherly love and experience.
First of all, you haven't known ME long enough to make such a claim. It has nothing to do with my self-esteem. And I do NOT like who he is when he's high, or at least not when he's completely baked or tripping. Thank you. I like him when he is sober or only slightly high, preferably sober. He doesn't constantly do shrooms or any other psychedelic. I only said that he likes to do them. On occasion. And he has never ONCE treated me in any bad way AT ALL. Sometimes his priorities are a little questionable, but please don't make accusations you can't back up. I KNOW that there are other men I could have. I am a good-looking, intelligent, non-nagging woman and any man could appreciate me. I like him because of the ways that we are similar. I do not mean to be an "enabler," but he's his own person, and I do not seek "control" over him. We enjoy many things that have nothing to do with the drugs. I have fallen in love with his creativity, his intelligence, his caring nature. He is one of the most wonderful people I've ever met, in that regard. It is because I do not want to control him, that I do not give him ultimatums, that I don't try to control who he is or what he does. I simply love spending time with him, I support him, and he comes to decisions on his own about what he needs to do. He loves me, and though I could probably find this kind of love elsewhere, I don't like to treat people as if they're disposable. Especially not him, he's had enough of that. I never said he had issues, and I don't like the tone of your comment, I don't care much what it was meant for.
It's your call. Methinks you protest too much.
You said something in a way that I didn't like, and that was my response to it. You came to conclusions that I do not feel were justified. While you may have been right on a few points (a few), and your intentions were "good," I did not perceive them that way. I challenge things I feel need to be challenged. And internet posts, while there are posts not always meant to have negative tones, they can be read in such a way, especially due to word choice and in this specific case, my own sensitivity to the matter and to him.
Of course you would react that way. And my apologies for hurting you. But one thing you will come to understand in the world is that many of the people responding to this have been where you are and we collectively probably have 100 years of experience between us. At 21 I don't expect you to see the world the way we do and I do expect you to fight for what you believe. It just kills me in more ways than you'll ever know to see another life wasted.
I was one of the lucky ones who survived the 60s. Many of my friends didn't.
You said you know he won't stop using drugs altogether. Then, what future could you possibly have with him? Do you ever want to have children? Do yourself a favor and research the effects of a parent's addiction on a child. Unless you want your future to be totally wrapped up in his drug use, which it eventually would be, leave. Now. It will hurt while you both are getting used to being without each other, but maybe that is exactly the kind of wake up call he needs.
I just, most of my life I have treated people like they were disposable. I'm really trying to avoid that here. Especially since I care about him so much. Maybe that is the choice I will have to make one day. The thought of it hurts me, because he means so much to me, and I don't want him to feel as though my love is conditional.
Your life is your not your own - you have all the other people around you to consider, possibly your future children also. Drug addiction ruins the lives of everyone connected with it and the most sensible course of action is to get as far from it as you can and don't look back. We rarely do the most sensible things and you may choose to stay with this guy - but the truth is that if you move on you have a much greater chance of a happy life and he will be just a memory one day. There are millions of good people out there who are not destroying their own and others lives, my advice would be to go and find one of them.
This is right, and couples who use drugs may not be able to conceive a child. I know that cocaine made my in-laws infertile for so many years. Then, he went to prison for a year (caught with drugs) and his wife was pregnant almost immediately after he came back home. But for years they tried, and it was the cocaine that made them infertile.
You sound like a very empathetic person. I'm sure you don't want to hurt him. Making decisions for yourself to improve your future is not the same as treating others like they are disposable. I read your reply previous to this one. I sincerely thought the person was saying some hard truths in a respectful way. You may have read more into it than I did. I'm wondering if even there, you are trying to justify and shield your boyfriend from others' opinions even if he won't hear them.
Obviously, you've felt disposable before and this has triggered something in this situation. I only suggest that you take a minute and consider what this means for your adult life. Are you going to cling to unhealthy relationships and not take care of your needs in order to avoid making the other person feel disposable? By doing so, aren't you telling yourself that you are indeed disposable?
I think my empathy hurts me more than it helps me, but if you knew my back story, you would understand why, and I'm almost a slave to it sometimes, really, or at least it feels that way.
I suppose I defend him (as a whole, not his actions, per se) because I know there is more to him than his addiction. But I do want to clarify something. He is addicted to Dxm. He is taking the necessary steps to quit, because he knows it's bad for him. After that, he will be quitting regular cigarettes, as well. Something else he knows is bad for him, well physically, anyway.
But, he is very much into "spiritual" experiences. He can experience them without outside use (i.e. psychedelics) during his meditations, but he enjoys using them, on occasion as well. I think his real addiction is the effect that psychedelics/drugs have on his consciousness. If he could completely replace this with meditation, I would be very pleased, but I wish to force nothing on him.
This is why I know his drug use will not stop entirely, at least not anytime soon. I am wary of his actions because of the possibility of him getting caught, and also his health, and how that could affect our future. I have thought about that. Dxm, while he uses it less often than he smokes weed, is the most dangerous because it involves drinking one or two whole bottles of cough medicine.
The more I think, the more I realize will probably have to give him an ultimatum one day. I just don't want to. But he's from a middle of nowhere place in GA where this mindset is common. Does it mean that people like him don't deserve love, too? He has quite the counterculture mindset, so nothing's really all that simple here.
I have a lot of experience with empathy being a two-edged sword. I'd rather hurt myself than someone else. But I had to come to realize that I need to take care of me. I'm not saying that I need to be selfish, but I can't avoid making someone confront an issue if the issue is hurting me or could hurt someone else. I think the challenge for you is going to be whether or not you think you are disposable. Are you going to value your future enough to make some difficult choices?
As far as his "spiritual" experiences, they aren't. Psychedelics don't give true spiritual experiences. And yes, I know from experience. The effect of psychedelics certainly allows the person to be uninhibited, but the perceptions are so warped by the drugs that nothing truly meaningful could occur.. Anything that is happening is only from the person's own imagination through the warped perceptions. He's young yet. After he has his first bad trip, he'll probably realize this. Also, he's possibly already doing lasting damage to his brain. I'm not sure if you are aware that psychedelics can cause flashbacks (hallucinations, and often bad ones!) many years after the person stops using the drug. That's something he may end up having to deal with for the rest of his life.
Wow! Can you say STD's?
I would tell you that this dude is a loser, but deep down you already know that.
When he finds using drugs preferable to sharing life with you, that should tell you what a future that included him will be like.
There are many more men out there that would be just as good or better than he is with you, and they would be drug free.
You have my sympathies as you seem to have a need to mother him and that is what he is looking for.
Best of luck.
I don't call people "losers." He is a young guy who still admittedly has a lot to learn about the world, but he is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. He is not sexually promiscuous at all. He sees sex as solely being within the context of a committed relationship. He's a buddhist, not devout, but he puts into practice the Dharma. He is someone who gets very emotionally involved and is a man of his word most of the time. I'd prefer him to a guy with his head up his ass, and I have dated many of them (I think it's his feminine side). It's not just that he loves me (cares about, likes, whatever makes you feel better) But I feel the same way about him.
I was in the exact same situation about 24 years ago. My hubbies DOC was cocaine, shooting it into his veins. I told him how I felt about it, so he (thought he) kept it a secret. Once I came home from work and he'd been watching my kids. Both kids were still up and he was high. That night I said to make a choice, me or the coke, but he cannot have both. I'm so lucky that he chose me, because he's never touched the stuff even once since, and it took 7 months before the cramps, itches and cravings stopped. It was not easy, but I meant something to him so he gave it his all.
So good luck to you. These kinds of things can work out, but he's taking all the hallucinogens and stuff, he's into getting high. You may never have him drug free, but try to get him to narrow it down to one drug and that he has to be somewhere else to use them, never at home. It will cut down the frequency and you won't have to deal with him because of the drug.
I also took control of the money and bill paying. He never had the money to buy coke anymore, and after a while it was easier for him. Good luck, again, and do keep us posted, okay?
I'm sorry but this is scary. I'm glad that things worked out for you, but you are one of the lucky few. It would be extremely rare for a coke addict to be able to break the habit like you describe. The fact that you left your children alone with a coke addict speaks volumes. Do you seriously think that limiting a drug addiction to "just one drug" makes it okay? An addiction is not something that can be so easily controlled by limiting it. It's an all or nothing thing. An alcoholic can't be okay with only having one beer..
Addiction cannot be controlled without full time recovery and programs. It can be arrested. As a recovering IV cocaine and heroin addict daily of 24 years, I am living proof you can, with support, attain sobriety.
Bottom line that can't be altered is the addict will not and cannot get clean until s/he wants to. Nothing else can forse this sobriety
I know, and he does want to get the Dxm out of his life. He'll be going into a rehab program for it in the summer. Je's goes to NA meetings and a psychiatrist every week, right now, while he's in school.
You need to join Nar Anon. There you will find a great deal of nonjudgmental support. It's free and meetings are held often. You should know that only 5% of drug addicts ever recover from their addictions. You may think you know what you're getting into, but my dear, you have absolutely NO idea. I do...I was married to an Alcoholic for 5 years, and I can tell you, it can get very ugly and very dangerous. Get some help...fast...and do not believe for one second that the chances of his recovery are good. And for pete's sake...DO NOT MARRY HIM OR HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM.
He is going to Nar Anon. I'm just usually not available on the nights that the one near him is held. (Tuesdays and Fridays) We live somewhat far from each other (40 minutes). On their guests days, I do intend to go, to support him.
Sheila Wilson - Sometimes it starts with baby steps. I didn't say limiting him to one drug would fix everything, but then you only have one demon to battle. And leaving my kids with someone I didn't know was using coke does speak volumes, but not like you're suggesting. I was/am a good mother, and I'd been led to believe that he quit already. The night I found out he was doing coke around my kids was the last night he babysat. It's funny how someone can take one person's story and without knowing much at all, can turn it into what they want to see, and that's what's happened here.
ATW I still believe that you can help him and work things out. If it wasn't hard it wouldn't be called WORK. People who only have bad things to say about those trying to help or offer advice is someone who isn't beneficial to your situation. Just looking for someone to put down, you don't need that.
if you really love him take him get help like doctor or rehab, and if he really love you he will do it for him and you.
I've seen the worse with the relation like you have. My wife's brother. So the quicker the better, and if he is not willing to get himself fix, leave him. not worthed as time goes both of you become paranoid and phobia. For you, always scared if he will get worse, for him always scared if you leave him. All the time just like that, not a healthy relations.
Sorry , just my opinion
You're both very, very young.
Learning about love, deciding what's important to you in yourself and your partner. Exactly what you're supposed to be doing at 21 and 19.
You seem to be wanting to prove to yourself that you can change. You don't want to treat people as "disposable" anymore. Good for you!
He is figuring out whatever he is figuring out.
Since he is already practicing Buddhism, hopefully that path will win over in his heart/soul and he will find peace and enlightenment naturally.
There does not seem to be any imminent crisis in your relationship.
So enjoy where you are at now. Enjoy the man you are with for the things you love about him.
Now, having said that...
You must have some concerns about the guy's drug use or you would not have posted this thread. Right?
Listen to your gut.
Give it time and watch closely.
His drug use will either slow down or it will escalate.
It really could go either way, depending on a lot of factors in him, his life, his brain, etc. And that includes you and your relationship with him.
You'll reach a point where you know the right decision for you.
http://arlenevpoma.hubpages.com/hub/Why … on-Strings
Been there, and won't ever, ever, ever go there, again. Addicts and ex-addicts??? Do yourself a favor, cut the apron strings and move on with your life. Don't cave into drama and take care of someone who needs your strength so that he can PLAY. I know. It only took my dumb ass to learn with these people who won't do a thing for themselves. What did they used to say? 3x a charm? No! It's all about disappointment and heartache when it comes to addicts. Maybe you'll learn. Maybe you won't. It's all on you. To think you can "help" or "change" this person with your love and good deeds so that his life goes back to "normal?" Not a chance! Not a FAT chance!
You're already making excuses for him and why you should stay. If you like playing Ricky Ricardo to Lucy, then be my guest. As far as this so-called "relationship" goes, you'll be the one doing all the work.
The addict has you where he wants you.
How sad, you are surely justified in your anger. Help is available, we can't run out on everyone who is struggling. I shot dope daily for 24 years and because of one man not giving up on me, I'm still clean and happy. The message is there is help, but the addict must be ready.
I'm happy for you and I want to be that for him. He's so special to me, and I know that he's better than his addiction and certainly strong enough to overcome it!
Although you may have known him for awhile before you started dating, you need to move on now before things get any worse.
You are still really young and have a bright future ahead of you. Why bog yourself down with someone that has a drug problem like this? You can remain friends but dating an abuser is not only going to ruin his life but yours as well. I would hate you to start ruining your life at such a young age.
There are a lot of treatment programs out there. Unless he is serious about getting help, you need to move on. When I say serious about help, like actively involved in a treatment program and being clean for at least 6 months. I'm sure you will notice a big difference in his personality once he sobers up for awhile.
So in the meantime, stay friends and offer support but cut the rope until he shows that he cares enough about you and your relationship to make some drastic changes in his life.
My sister is a social worker and deals with abusers everyday. Ironically enough, she found herself in a relationship that lasted 15 years. She married her high school sweetheart and he wound up being a drunk. Of course people do not become drunks overnight, it is a disease that happens over time.
Moving forward, she knew she wanted to have kids and settle down. She couldn't imagine raising a family with someone like this so with some help and support, she finally left him. You say it might be hard (for you to leave him) but you have only been dating for a short time. Imagine what my sister went through after 15 years, sharing a house together, and being married? It was the hardest thing she has ever done in her life, but now realizes it was the smartest move. She could preach to clients all day about what they needed to do but was blind to see when it came to her own relationship.
The older you get, the more you will realize what you are looking for in a relationship. This also comes with the more people you meet and the wiser you grow with age. I have been in numerous relationships before where I thought (at the time) that the person I was with was the one I would marry. Then, after going our separate ways, I learned that I would never be with, or pursue, someone that was stubborn, inconsiderate, boring, selfish, etc.
Hang in there and think about your future. Can you imagine, with the way things are right now, getting married and raising a family with this guy? If not, you need to move on.
Glad to hear your boyfriend is going to rehab for the DXM. That is nasty stuff.
I imagine he will get quite an education on substitute addictions, and the whole ball of wax. Up to him what he does with that info.
It IS possible to reduce down from multi drugs to one to none.
Harm reduction is ... possible.
It is also more than possible to be addicted to weed, btw.
You have gotten a lot of really good insights here.
The writing is on the wall, although at this point in your lives it's faint and not neon flashing.
I second the idea of checking out a program for YOU.
If you are committed to having an active user in your life, you will need some coping tools. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon (really no difference -- drugs are simply alcohol in pill or powder form) are there to help YOU live happily and serenely with the man you love.
Keep your eyes and your heart open!
I'm glad ur boyfriend is getting help for his drug problem and i'm glad you are helping him and him helping himself. That shows how much you want to save his life because you're love for him. Just keep on helping him and he will shine in you're life as you care for him.
it certainly is a very difficult & emotionally-taxing issue - but addicts can recover from their addiction and lead fulfilling lives.
besides the conventional meds the governments like to put drug addicts on, continual emotional support, self esteem building exercises, giving them responsibility & rewarding positive steps with positive reinforcement helps drastically.
long shot, but you can also check up the drug rehab program Malcolm X helped develop - it was so successful in getting addicts off the drug of their choice, that the NYC police wanted to discuss how they could implement it.
Hi. I'm an alcohol and drug counselor. You sound like you really love your boyfriend. He is not going to stop using until he has physical, mental, legal or financial consequences -- or a combination of those. You didn't break him. You can't fix him.
Let him go to Narcotics Anonymous for awhile. It will help a lot. Don't micromanage him. Just let him be.
See where that gets you. Don't bend your life or finances to endorse his habit, but at least he is telling you about it.
It sounds like he knows that he has a problem. You are in my prayers.
P.S. Check out Al-Anon. You can Google it and find a meeting in your area. That is a group for people affected by another person's drinking. Just substitute the word "alcohol" for Robo-tripping if you decide attend Al-Anon. They can really, REALLY help you to find peace.
Wow, Jenna, I did NOT know you were a drug and alcohol counselor. That's fabulous. I was once, then became a drug/alcohol addict, myself.
It's quite the sordid story, but pain meds-doctor shopping and all-have been a problem for years.
I just underwent total hip replacement surgery around 28 days ago and was re-introduced to my love of pain mgmt., they gave me Dilaudid, Oxycodone, Oxycontin, Morphine, and aspirin-because they thought I'd had a heart attack during the surgery itself-NOT!-my adoration for almost all these drugs is overwhelming.
At the moment, I am taking Tramadol-a non-narcotic pain med. that's working well. I am close to entirely healed, so I hope to go off all the drugs-even illegal Vicodins, that I've bought off friends-eventually! I must wean myself sllloowly!
I am ready. I've been sober from Alcohol since Christmas eve '11.
ATW--I am currently living with my husband of 24 years who is a practicing alcoholic, he drinks around a litre of Jose Cuevo Tequila a day. Really. So what I do is ignore the stuff, warn him of my past hospital trips, etc., and hope he doesn't have to go down the same road I did.
Jenna's right, one can't change them, one must let them choose for themselves. It usually takes a 'bottoming out' situation to open their eyes. It did when I became sober from alcohol and drugs. Alcohol did me in entirely when my kidneys failed last year-just before my sober b-day in '11. I had tried to drink many times before that and always ended up in the hospital. Always.
With drugs- Crystal, Crack and prescriptions,-I was able to get off the first 2 by moving here to Bishop. I had tried to prostitute myself for more-and this is NOT my character at ALL!
These drugs-alcohol is a drug, too, after all-are evil, dangerous and extremely powerful. Watch him, listen to him, and really listen to Jenna's advice. You'll be Okay, just remember to take care of YOURSELF!
With love and understanding,
Well, here's an update, friends. Well actually, an update plus insider info I don't think I shared before.
Again, to recap, I am 21, my boyfriend's 19 (but we're only 1 yr & 10 months apart). We both live with our parents, but his situations different. He lives with his stepmom and his dad, along with his 6 brothers and sisters. It's just me and my mom. His stepmom is overbearing, but I think she is just the way she is because she has 7 children to raise. She treats him like a child though, and doesn't give him enough room to grow or make many decisions. I am trying to stay by his side, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I probably will have to leave him. He's just so wonderful and sweet. And I would hate for him to think I don't love him, but, I'm 21, and even though we're not that far apart in age, we are a WORLD apart in other regards. Anyways
His stepmom carted him off to this Cult place called Teen Challenge. A place that I KNEW would be an awful place for him, and I expressed that to his parents, but they were convinced that "God wanted him there," and they told me no matter how much I protested. I don't want to go into too much detail about them. They are a "christian" affiliated/centered program to help youth with problems, including drug addiction, and yet they are not CERTIFIED to actually treat drug addiction or anything else. They have two goals. Maybe 3. Force people into Christianity with cult like tactics, raise money for their "successful" behavior reform program using the people within the program, and recruiting more, in this never-ending cycle of ridiculousness.
Anyway, he ended up running away from this place, as I knew he would do, lest he commit suicide instead. Now he's back home. He hasn't taken DXM, but I found out this past week he stole some Zanex from his stepmom. I've been understanding and respectful, and I would still very much want to be his friend, and there for him when he needs someone to talk to, but I think maybe it's time to go. Because he's not going to change as long as I don't give him an ultimatum, which I never wanted to do. I just hoped that maybe he would realize on his own why that stuff was a bad idea. He's such a wonderful guy apart from the drugs. But I can't spend the rest of our relationship wondering what else he's going to hide from. Also, I think the DXM has already affected his brain.
G.A.S! (Giggles and Snorts-at the same time) I just read this post where you say you're 21 and he's 19...I am 13 years older than my hubby and we're about to have our 25th anniversary! So, ATW, never worry about age!
Anyhow, your boyfriend's parents sound misguided by this Teen Challenge thing, the staff perhaps? That sort of 'rehab' is absurd and dangerous, so I'm glad he took off.
You, my friend, need to be firm with yourself AND him. Did I ask you before what DMX is? I can't recall, sorry. If it's affected his brain already, then he is already brain damaged and it's your decision alone whether or not to be with him-you know that.
He'll not take it well if you leave this relationship, obviously, but do you want it for the rest of your life? If you don't, then tell the guy, he deserves that much, and if he's damaged terribly, you may have to be extra-sensitive to his feelings, since they'll probably be all over the place.
All my best, ATW.
Love yourself with great respect!
I am not going to cuddle or sugarcoat what I get from some of your statements. You're enabling him and you will soon become what he his. Addiction goes through three phases:
Way of life
Guys are hard to change and sleeping with him would not make that happen. If you value yourself and like yourself, find someone with a passion for life. I am yet to find happy couples with only one addicted to drugs.
Just like alcohol, all drugs alter your consciousness. His present affection for you is not real as he created them when he was high. Young lady, better to run while you still have the will, looks and energy to find someone better.
No matter how much you love him, you must be honest with yourself as to how you feel about drug use. Would you be comfortable, say if you got married and had children, if he continued this behavior - because he likes to experiment. I'm not judging either one of you, but at any stage in our lives, we can make choices - I will always be able to live with his usage or this makes ME unhappy and stressed.
For instance, you can love a police officer, but can you live with the knowledge that you may lose him on the job? If you decide that that is not the life you feel comfortable with, then it takes nothing away from him and your love, you are just caring for your self. If we do not care for our self first, than we have no ability to truly take good care of anyone else. Sometimes we can love someone, but living with them will be unhealthy for us.
His brain is still developing - until about 21. So drug and alcohol use has really long term results for him at this point as the brain develops with the influence of these substances. It is much harder to stop if your brain has developed with drugs, nicotine, or alcohol as a building block. Stopping drugs, once you start, often can't be done until your late 40s or 50s, if that and if you live that long. It will be a very difficult journey for you both, and for anyone that may come along with you. Can you picture yourself living with him like this for the next 20 - 30 years?
So again, no judgement to either one of you. But understand that what you see is what you will get. Will you want that when you are 30 and trying to improve your career or support a family? If you are not happy and without anxiety, it will affect your relationship with him and those around you.
Best of luck!!
Seriously, if you're dating an addict, not just a recreational user, but a real addict, run, don't walk away from him. He will not stop or change for you because he loves you... the simple fact is the only thing he loves is the drug. You can discuss and debate this till the cows come home, but it will change nothing. Getting involved with an addict is a no-win situation and he will only drag you right down with him.
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