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My ex bathes my nine year old daughter?

  1. profile image60
    Genesiiposted 18 months ago

    My ex bathes my nine year old daughter?

    My husband and I are getting divorced and he currently has custody of my two daughters, ages 2 and 9.
    The oldest has Emotional Behavior Disorder and mild autism and Asberger Syndrome and has also been a witness to the emotional abuse her stepfather has done to me over some years. She and her sister are now the target of that abuse since I have left.
    She has told me many times - and so has he - that she sleeps in his bed with him on a regular basis and he bathes her even though I taught her how to do it herself. I have seen her get upset when she can't sleep with him. What do I do? HELP!!

  2. Cynthia Hoover profile image96
    Cynthia Hooverposted 18 months ago

    That's a really tough situation. Asberger syndrome is something I'm familiar with and usually change is an upset. So perhaps her behavior is reverting since you two have split. I would work with their doctors or a therapist so that everything is documented by a third party moving forward. A therapist will give you an idea if you have cause to worry about the situation. She may just be scared and not want to sleep alone at night. There are some great Autism support groups on social media as well, these would likely be a great support to you right now.

    If you are worried that he is harming your girls you can always work with DCF for an investigation.

    1. profile image60
      Genesiiposted 18 months agoin reply to this

      I have called Child Protection Services as of yesterday, and they have pulled both my daughters out of his house and I am under the impression that they are being questioned now. The support groups don't touch on emotional abuse or sexual abuse...

  3. ChristinS profile image96
    ChristinSposted 18 months ago

    I really don't understand the need for a 9-year-old who is able bodied to still be bathed by a parent.  That being said, I won't judge the situation on that.  You said they are being abused so the obvious next step, if you believe that is true, is to call the police and/or to talk to child protective services.

  4. dashingscorpio profile image87
    dashingscorpioposted 18 months ago

    You stated the oldest daughter has "Emotional Behavior Disorder and mild autism and Asberger Syndrome". She has also been a witness to the emotional abuse her stepfather has done to (you) over some years.
    Naturally if this was an ordinary 9 year old it would be a no brainer to say the girl should be taking baths alone. However with all that is going on it's not clear to me that she should be left alone in tub with all of her issues. A medical professional might help determine that.
    As far as a 9 year old wanting to sleep in a parent's bed is not necessarily something to be alarmed about especially when you consider all she has been through. Apparently you or a court decided she would be better off with him for one reason or another.
    You have to be honest with yourself. Do you really believe the child's father is a child molester? or Are you angry over custody decision?
    If you really believe the man you married is a child molester you should be contacting your local authorities instead of posting questions on HP. Call child protective services {if you believe} that!
    However search your soul to determine if that's what you really believe because if it's not your daughter will likely end up in a foster home as opposed to being with either of her parents over false allegations. You should do whatever is in the (child's) best interest!

    1. profile image60
      Genesiiposted 18 months agoin reply to this

      The answer to why he has them is long and confusing, but in a nutshell, he gained custody of my oldest through lies and manipulation. As far as the abuse towards my daughter, it is far more complicated than you think. I will comment again.

  5. profile image60
    Genesiiposted 18 months ago

    I am of course angry about the custody issues, but that's being dealt with in court. He has been extremely abusive verbally toward me and my oldest daughter for years... He has always undermined my abilities as a parent, and a few times has even made me question my sanity, and I was driven at times to having suicidal thoughts because of his abuse...
    My oldest daughter regressed into toddler like behaviour, and starting acting out in school, and being defiant toward me, which I understand now to be a defense mechanism to protect herself. When I would approach her about certain things she would only tell me that she is afraid of her dad (who is not her biological father, but is the only father she knows) and that she can't tell me and would shut herself off from everyone emotionally.
    She has in the past told school officials this same thing, and a guardian ad Litem also, and because of his manipulation over her she is afraid to trust anyone but him, not even me... He manipulated the courts to get full custody of her and now since I left, he has targeted her more intensely for abuse, and now refuses to let me see or talk to either of the girls because of lies he has made up.
    I now know he has a narcissistic personality and is abusive with it. I am getting better, I am healing... But my daughter is still in Hell with him, and she is frightened and confused and in extreme emotional pain right now - I know she is, I'm her mother and I can hear it in her voice when I talk to her... I am grateful that her baby sister is there with her to keep her steady but they are both falling apart from all this.

    I have called Child Protection Services recently and I am waiting to hear from them now. Filing a police report was fruitless because there was "no immediate danger and nothing to investigate" - at least that's what they told me... So no I am not being vindictive, or spiteful, or grasping at straws. I am a good mother who is a survivor of my husband's abuse, and I am trying to get my babies out of the hands of a monster.

    Oh and by the way, he is a PASTOR at a church...

    1. Cynthia Hoover profile image96
      Cynthia Hooverposted 18 months agoin reply to this

      Aww honey I am so sorry your going through all this. I spent a fair amount of my youth in therapy after I reverted to an infantile state. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but situations like these tent to take a lot of time to resolve.

  6. helenstuart profile image72
    helenstuartposted 18 months ago

    I don't like it. Incest can come from a baby sitter, anyone the child looks to for support. I slept with and was alienated from everyone by my molestor, and she is telling you that there is something "she can't tell you." If you can't afford a lawyer, (and make sure it's a good one, I got a SORRY one) look up lawyers who work pro bono or on a sliding scale and do it now. I speak from TOTAL experience. You may be fighting CPS for your daughters, or they may do what they are supposed to do and WORK on RESOURCES to keep you together. But don't take a chance, since you left the house. Read up on it. They frequently ignore totally abused children and take those who are not abused, especially those with a diagnosis. I beg you to be PROACTIVE and get a lawyer first thing, today or tomorrow. Pay what you can, if you have anything. If you don't scour the area for a free legal service who does family law, and is passionate about your case. WORK with him or her on proving a case against your daughter's STEP father. A good lawyer MAY be able to get your daughters back and keep this out of court, but no promises. CPS is a monster.
    But your ex husband is a worse monster