I am doing some research on adoption as that is what I feel my future holds for us. I have found lots of information from an adoptive parents point of view, but not much from the grown-up adoped child.
I am thinking about adopting an older child (or siblings) not a baby, so the child will have a history, and a memory of that history. I would love to hear from, or read a hub by someone who was adopted- especially if it was at an age that you can remember life before the adoptive family.
This isn't what you're looking for, I know (but I thought it may be better than nothing - maybe it isn't ). I've known a couple of situations in which older kids were adopted. I'm an adoptive mother of a grown son (but he was in adopted in infancy, but I've done quite a bit of studying up on the whole adoption thing (different types). I'm not expert on any of these kinds of adoptions, but I've had some up-close exposure anyway.
I am an Older Child....
I have a history and a memory of that history...
How well do you cook?
Can my 35 year old G/F stay over too?
I bet adopting me will change your life in lots of ways
I know - I just read your hub and it made me cry - I left you a massive comment with some questions and I was wondering if you could email me back.
Spacey Gracy, I just found your comment. Sure. E.mail me. He was an infant, but I've known a lot of kids who were removed from their homes by the state; a couple of who were adopted, and several who just stayed in the foster care system until they grew up. I don't know useful any of that "exposure" would be... but anyway, e.mail if you want. (Or ask here if you want. I'm in now, so I'll be checking back and forth on here for another couple of hours or so anyway.)
Spacey Gracey, I have found this hub. It's from the perspective of an adopted grown-up. You might want to talk to her.
I had been working with orphans in my country for some time in the past. I am convinced that the younger the child you are going to adopt - the better for both of you. It's hard to explain how it is. It's like building a house. You have to build a base for the future life of your child. They get through tremendous changes during first years of their life. How do you support those changes might be crucial for the rest of his/her life, health, intellect. And if you are not there, how do you know what kind of base had been put under the "house" you are going to live with for the rest of your life? The stakes are too high to take a risk.
I understand what you are saying, but in my hometown here, every Thursday the local news puts on a bit..."Thursday's child" and it features children in the state's foster care system. Usaly these kids are at least 10 years old, and I cry every single time. They feel unwanted, lost, its hopeless...they know everybody wants a new pink baby. Of course there are huge challenges involved in adopting an older child....but doesnt everyone deserve to be loved? wanted? tucked in at night and cared for? To have someone rush to their side when they wake in the night with bad dreams? everyone needs a home, and support.
I think that rather then saying its best "for both of you" to adopt a younger child... you might say its best to fully understand, and be prepared for, the challenges you will face when adopting an older child. It seems to me, highly unfair to say its better for the older child to remain unadopted.
Spacey, if I had the financial means to adopt, I would most certainly adopt an older child. Good luck to you.
Sometimes challenges are more than you can handle, worse, than you can expect or ever imagined. What are you going to do then? Take your child back and say: sorry, can't do it? Some of them are already irreversibly psychologically damaged, and you will need like years and years of struggle to change it, and sometimes with lots of effort and zero results! is it worth it? No! Though for any rule there is an exception. Personally I would never do that.
yes, challenges certainly can be more then you expected. I only meant to say..thank goodness for those poor kids who are hurting and its not thier fault, there are people who will try. I dont really think I could do it, I couldnt be a nurse either. I am thankful there are people who can. You are correct to say that if you think you cant handle it, dont. It would cause more harm then good.
But for those out there who have thier eyes wide open and choose to give those kids a chance, I commend you.
" irreversibly psychologically damaged " ...... what do you suggest that we do with these children then?
I agree, adopting an older child would be a wonderful thing to do, as children in the care system often just end up getting shunted between foster homes otherwise, never getting the chance to build long term relationships or put down roots. Which just ends up leading to a difficult and insecure future a lot of the time.
I think that I would want an adopted child to be younger than my own children, however, otherwise the change of dynamics might be too unsettling.
it is different if you already have kids, rather then none yet. I would think.
I know, but Spacey has her own kids already, I know
I think adopting is a pretty individual thing? I just really only meant to say I commend her on her decision and I hope it goes well.
My husband was adopted, my oldest daughter is adopted, but only by my husband. I am her mother. I have relatives who wanted to adopt so badly I can not even put it into words but things went badly because they didn't expect the challenges of an older child. Its just that my heart breaks to think of all those kids who did nothing wrong and they are so damaged and hurt, its good there are people willing to try. And it is important to go into it realisticly, know your limitations etc.
Oh, absolutely - only a couple of days ago I was watching a programme about children, mostly older teenagers, in care, and it was really very sad. These were not adopted children, just kids who were stuck in the care system and the struggles they faced were very apparent, pushing people away even when they were trying to help.
What I said about adopting a child younger than my own was only my own personal thoughts about what I would do, because it is something I have thought about before - of course adoption is always commendable.
Ive thought about adoption too, but I have three of my own and really..I dont think my house could hold anymore. Also, based on what happend with my relatives, the boy made up false accusations and was removed from the home and now they can not adopt...but if that happend to me I would loose my own kids too...
so, yeah, each individual has to make an informed decision based on what they realisticly can do. Im very very tired today so I think Im coming off argumentative but I realy meant to agree with you!!
Hey, don't worry about it, it's cool. Sounds terrible, about what happened with your relatives, especially as they can no longer adopt. How awful.
No, we do not have the space either, or the money. We have two of our own and sticking with that I think. I was thinking about adoption after my eldest child, because I have a large gap between them (nearly 8 years), I wasn't sure I was going to have another. But now I have a two year old and a ten year old and a very small house!! Like you say, you have to be realistic about what you can do
We watched the same program I think. I had always been interested in fostering but that program made me feel I wanted to look more into adoption as we could give a loving long term home to a child (probably around preschool-early primary age).
I haven't made any commitment to doing it yet but I have been looking into it for years and my husband are in it together. So much to consider with already having two boys, but I'm young so I've got years to research it yet.
I felt really sad for that little boy, I think he was about three, with the blonde hair? He was so obviously settling into his foster home and yet though they seemed to really love him they did not feel they could adopt him. I just felt it is going to be so difficult for him to move on, having growing attached. Would have been wonderful for him if they felt they could take him long term.
We adopted our little girl through DCF 2 1/2 yrs ago. We met her at 9 mos old, she moved in with us at 1 yr old and by 1 1/2 yrs old we were able to adopt her. She had bonding issues even though she really loved us and felt comfortable with us. I seem to think though it was probably due to her lack of bonding at birth. Her birth mom left right away and the baby was very sick and had to be transported to a hospital for a week or so. So she really missed out on any bonding. It was hard at first, you couldnt cradle her in your arms and rock her like another baby. but now she loves to hug and be hugged and be affectionate. I have heard that most older children are very difficult because their lack of trust. Every older child we inquired about had many serious issues. Its really really sad. It takes the right person that is able and willing to adopt an older child and commit to helping them learn to trust and love.
You need a lot of patience, understanding, wisdom, love ,selfsacrificing and if you fail - you'll damage the child even more. So, it's a tremendous responsibility, people sometimes don't understand, that it is not a cat, it's a human being, a complex one.
erthfriend, Just a thought, and I don't mean to question what you've said at all; but my baby was a premie, and he remained in hospital , and I couldn't really hold him much at all. He was a "snuggle bug" right from the beginning. My eldest son (adopted after being in a hospital for injury in his first couple of months) was quite a snuggle bug too. Nine months in the age when babies get really attached to their caregiver/mother and don't feel comfortable without her. I wonder if that's what your baby's problem was at the time. Just a thought that occurred to me when I read your post.
Go to Rosie O'Donnell's website. If the answers too your questions about adopting an older child aren't there through her links she will put you on to someone who can help you make a decision that is best for both you and your prospective new family member. Wishing you all the best in this!
Pearl - I am a great cook but you may be a little older than I was aiming for
Polly - I just wanted someone to knock on my door and ask if I would adopt Connor. It is weird thinking that if we do adopt a child he/she is probably being born about now. But I am not rushing into anything - it is something that takes a lot of thought, but also I need to go with my heart. I don't feel at all like I want to get pregnant again, but we have so much room in our lived for at least one more child.
Raisingme - thanks very much. I will check it out.
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