should an Adopted child look for their Birth Parents
colp, my eldest child (a grown son) is one I adopted from infancy. The two younger ones are children I had myself. I know what you mean about kind of wishing you never knew. Boy, would I kind of have loved not having to tell my son and just letting him have that "birth story" and "extra issue" in his life, when his brother and sister didn't have that. Of course, I knew not telling him would mean lying to him, and I've always loved him far too much to ever lie to him (not to mention the seriousness of that kind of lie).
From my perspective, the only difference between him (and his relationship with me) and his siblings (and theirs) is the fact that there was "the matter of the birth story", but also that I always knew there was a good chance he's want to "look" once he grew up.
I'm not pushing my writing about adoption, but I have Hubs and a blog on our own situation, and my own thoughts if you'd like to browse. It's not awfully active or up-to-date, but there's a lot of the issues we ran into in writing on there.
My thing, as his mother, has always been that I knew the adoption factor was a reality, and that I always wanted him to know that I'm a grown-up, and I'm secure in my role/relationship in his life. What kind of mother wouldn't be prepared to "be there" if/when her child (even a grown one) has something s/he wants to do, or has questions, etc.
Personally, but only from one person's opinion (of course), I think you should feel very comfortable to share any wish to look, or any information you find (etc.) with your mother. If you feel like any meeting up you do with her is your own private thing, just explain that your mother. If you don't, then share the experience with her. My son didn't have a choice about being adopted, but I made the choice to adopt him. When I signed on for that, I knew what I was signing on for. When he was little (and even now) we don't make a big deal out of the fact that he's adopted. It's kind of easy because he and his siblings just kind of take it for granted that they've always been 3 siblings and shared the same two parents.
I won't go into his reunion story (it's somewhere in my writing; actually, there's a Hub about adoptees building a relationship with their birth mothers, and I guess there's something on the blog about it). I didn't meet his birth mother, but I did meet a couple of the birth mother's other kids. I was "there" with my son as he went through a couple of years of a process that involved him meeting the birth mother and family, hearing what people told him about his birth story, doing some socializing with any number of people; and eventually becoming disenchanted with them all (to say the least) and drifting away from them.
I'm glad he was comfortable sharing the whole thing with me, because I really do think he needed me and the stability of our family when he was going through the process of having all these new people and a whole other world introduced into his life.
My son didn't really want to search (or at least that's what he told me, and I'm not sure he wasn't "fibbing" just to spare my feelings); but he was kind of encouraged by someone working on behalf of his birth mother to "at least meet her". From there, a whole can of worms got opened, but he got a whole lot information, and had names and faces that filled blanks he'd previously had regarding his beginnings. At times he was happy to feel like a long-lost, absolutely welcomed, family member. He was also, in ways, thrown for a loop for awhile.
Threre's a line in Barry Manilow's song, "Somewhere Down the Road" in which he says something like, "Sometimes you have to go out on your own to find your way back home." That line kind of applies to my son (although he never really went far from home or me, but you probably know what I mean when I say the line kind of applies.)
As a mother (and I'm no different from most normal mothers who love their kids the way mothers do), I've always wanted my kids to know that whatever they're going through they can always count on me to try to be there in whatever way I can.
Contrary to what a lot of adopted grown children think, and contrary to what a lot of people think, about adoptive mothers; there has never, ever, been a time since I brought my son home when I've been the least bit insecure about my relationship with him. Like all mothers, I'm sure I've made my mistakes. (To this day he still expresses his unhappiness over the fact that I gave him pull-over sweaters to wear to kindergarten.
) One thing I've never doubted or been insecure about, though, is that relationship I have with him and my other two children. It's exactly the same with all of them, and all three kids were so alike in so many ways because I aimed to "build the same kind of child" with each of those babies I brought home.
Having had two babies myself (and lost one in the second trimester), I know first-hand that I didn't really know any of them unless/until I saw their faces. That's when the bond began to really grow. It was the same when I was handed my eldest son as an infant. The bond grew.
My son got a kick of seeing "the brothers and sisters" looking similar to him, and he got a kick out the fact that they wear glasses, as he does. He expressed frustration, though, that the birth mother "expected more from him" than he said he could give.
Personally, I don't think very highly of my son's birth family; but because of my relationship with him, and the bond I have, I have a certain kind of "caring" about her, and compassion towards her, because a part of me has always taken it very seriously that I would "presume" to become the mother of a child another woman gave birth to.
I never wanted my son to think of me as "unpaid foster care" until he got old enough to find his "real" mother. I'm confident that I am his "real" mother. He's not the same person he would have been had he been raised in her family; but then again, he's different "genetically" from my other two kids. I've always joked to all of them that having the two younger ones was a whole lot easier than adopting him. It's also easier, as a mother, not to have to try to figure out how you'll present a child's birth story, when to share what information, and how to find ways to make him know he's "like all the other kids" even if he's missing some birth-story information. My two younger kids don't have that "birth story" that involves a stranger. There's nothing I need to explain about where they came from, and there's no family of strangers "out there somewhere" in their background.
I would have so much loved just to spare my son all the questions and whatever else there may be that's associated with being adopted; but again, I love him to much to lie to him. His birth story is the birth story of my child. I wouldn't have wanted to be "knocked out" when I had the two younger childrens, and I wouldn't have wanted my son and me (or others in our family) to have that "blanked out" portion of his beginnings.
His beginnings weren't pretty, but meeting the birth mother and seeing that she's challenged in a lot of ways made him see that she isn't a monster but also that she wasn't "some poor teenage girl forced to give up her child because she was young." My son's birth mother is 3 years older than I am (and really - she's a piece of work; but it's not her fault).
Different adoption: My brother-in-law was also adopted. He has never wanted to know or search, and he's resisted all pressure to get information about his medical history. It isn't for everyone. I think if you're not sure, maybe you're not quite ready. Maybe when you're ready (whether that's next week or two years from now) you'll feel more certain. Do what you need and want to do; and, if your mother is like most mothers who love their kids (adopted or otherwise), she wouldn't want you going through any searching or meeting without her support. I think you should give your mother the chance to tell you how she feels, and trust that even if she's concerned about what you might discover (because she's concerned about you - not herself), most likely she wants you to do what you want and need to do.
We mothers of adopted children don't always know we're doing the right thing. The way I see it, there was this woman who had a baby and who is responsible for the fact that that baby was placed for adoption. Once that adoption factor is in a child's life, there's no erasing it - and even lying about it wouldn't erase it. It's reality. How we find a way to be honest with a child but then find a way to try to "cushion" the fact that he knows we didn't give birth to him, the way other kids' mothers gave birth to them; is something I know I wasn't all that sure about. It was easy for me to know I loved my son the same as love I my other two kids, but what I was never all that positive about was that he'd take it for granted every bit as much as they did, how absolutely "the same" my relationship with them was. I don't know whether my approach was right, and I suppose, even if your mother "erred on the side of caution" a little too much, it was mostly out of her fear that you wouldn't be absolutely certain that she loved you the way every mother (at least every good one) loves her child. Maybe it's ironic if her approach made you feel different; but I can tell you that to this day I'm still a big one for the "how special you are to me's" with all three of my grown kids.
I don't know if all of this is any help to you at all. As you can probably see, I not only worried about my own son's not being absolutely sure how he loved he is, but I worry that a lot of other adopted people don't know how much "the same" it feels (from a mother's standpoint) to love a child we had ourselves and to love one we didn't. No matter how old my son is (now over 30) I will always be "the mother" and will always be there to do whatever mothers are supposed to do. I was an adult when I signed on to adopt a child, and I knew what I may run into down the line. I knew that was part of the deal.
My son was 21 when he met his birth family. I don't think he was ready. Even so, strangely enough, it was his meeting them that pushed that last "adoption front" out of the way and allowed us both to kind of forget about the fact that he's adopted. It's no longer out there looming. Now it's something he went through, processed, and put past him.
Good luck, whatever you choose to do.
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