If you were a product of rape, and your parents put you up for adoption, even abandon you, your life is a constant reminder of that awful mishap .. should you sued your parents for not aborting you?
I know two women who were a product of rape but their mothers kept them. One mother told the child and seemed to see her as a reminder every day, made the little girl feel she had no right to live. The other tried to be sensitive about it and let the girl know when she got a bit older. The girl still took it as being a horrible reminder to her mother and felt that she had no right to live.
A mother who gives the child away to someone who will love her is probably trying to make sure her little one doesn't ever feel that kind of traumatic blow to her self-esteem. I'm not sure a child should ever know something like that - a child wants to know what happened and why they aren't with their biological mother but in some instances, perhaps it's better that they never do.
A person could probably try to sue whoever they want (if a judge lets the case into court). I don't think, though, that suing because someone didn't abort is what someone ought to be thinking about/trying to do. Why? One reason is that the world is full of people who might have preferred to have been aborted for one reason or another.
Focusing more on the actual situation you described...
No baby/person who results from attack has anything to do with how/why he came about. The world is also full of people who were unwanted/wanted accidents for their parents, who were born to parents who really shouldn't have had kids, and on and on. How conception took place is, of course, a huge issue for the woman who has the baby (even if a lot of women would otherwise want to keep and love their baby but just feel they can't); but it has nothing to do with the baby. It seems to me there's a good chance some "products of rape" may over-emphasize (whether made to think that way, or thinking that way on their own) the fact that the pregnancy occurred the way it did.
I adopted one of my sons (from infancy) and had my two other kids. I know what it's like to have the exact same kind of bond with an adopted child and birth children. I knew, when my son was a baby, how I planned to raise him and the kind of person I hoped to help him become (in terms of being a nice person - I never cared whether any of my kids became president or wealthy CEOs). All three of my kids have their own unique personalities, of course, but they'll all so similar in so many ways. It's obvious to me what role nurturing plays in the kind of person a baby "turns into". In fact, Science now knows that it's what happens in early nurturing that actually, physiologically, affects how a brain develops. In other words, my son isn't the same son his "piece-of-work" birth-parents (it may not be their fault, but - really, they're pieces of work) would have raised; but he's also got genetic differences from the two kids I had myself (obviously).
My son is not his birth parents. At the same time, he and the two kids I had myself aren't me and their father either. Again, no child is his birth parents or his adopted parents. Yes, how a child is loved and raised makes a big difference in whether he turns out to be a sociopath or not, but the best, most loving, parents in the world can have a kid who ends up doing something like getting in with the wrong friends, using drugs (and damaging the good brain he originally had), being angry about one thing or another, and going out and doing some criminal thing.
The person who is a product of rape (and has serious "issues" over that) needs to get the right kind of therapy in order to overcome any feelings that he's any different from any other person. If his parents/family haven't done a good enough job helping him feel differently then, maybe, they need some therapy too.
I have an aunt who was the product of a fling. In 1930, money was given to her mother to abort the baby. The abortion didn't work, she survived, and was forever known as the child no one wanted. I met her when she was 75. I got to know her side of the family, and they are all wonderful people. My cousins I never knew. All pillars in their communities and responsible, good people with strong family ties.
You never know what a life can bring. My aunt died grateful that she was finally able, after 75 years, to make contact with her birth father's side of the family and not be scorned for it. She was a wonderful, beautiful, elegant lady who brought wonderful things to this life, and raised terrific kids.
There is no law suit that could be brought about to make her life righted. She did it herself. She overcame the obstacles and pain and suffering and lived a dignified, descent life. We have the power to determine our life's path.
A child has to be loved. If you gave birth to this little creature, no matter how it happened you cannot show any resentment towards the child, it will hurt him/her immensely. My mom gave birth to twins. Me and my brother. Due to complications we were both dead when we were born. They managed to revive me but not my brother.I remember how my mother used to tell people and she probably thought that I was too little to understand what she was saying but I did understand, when she would say that she would prefer me dead and my brother alive. Finally I decided to make her wish come true. At least first part of it of me being dead. Well,clearly,it was not my destiny to die early...
I forgave my mom long ago for those and other harsh words. She learned to love me in her way, and life was not a bunch of roses for her. What I wanted to explain is: if you gave birth - love your child, love with all your might and do not give away, he/she might turn up the most wonderful creature and a big helper for you, your biggest joy and a source of pride. Life is amazing thing, every single person is a world, a beautiful world if you don't ruin it, you - his Mother. Strangely I still miss my twin brother I never knew.
Home Girl is so sad, what your mother have done to you in the past,
I am working on a Piece "re-parenting and re-birthing) hope that you will get to read it, soon, however, a rape is more of a mental thing, for someone to find out about they existance." a rape ... someone sperm enter your body, and connected to your egg, and the result a baby...... a mental toture for nine months, and beyond that......i always believe in aborting, as soon as you found out that you are pregnant, just like cancer, as soon as the doctors told you, you have it, ,you take all the necessary measures to get rid of it....
sometimes when I enter the forums, I never know what I will find.
This post brought tears to my eyes. What a touching story about life's purpose. Regardless of our situations, there is love and how beautiful that you were able to show your mother and have your mother's love. I love how you say, every single person is a world, Thank you for sharing these words. HG.
We read about people who can't forgive or move on, but stories like yours need to be told and shared with the world. Those are personal stories that can change lives.
so powerful, good for you!
About ten years ago I had a little boy whom was a product of rape… At first I thought I would see him only for that, but that feeling didn’t last long-because more so he was a product of me and who I was/am. He passed away before he turned 3years old, and when I think about him (daily) I think about HIM- not how he came to be.
As far as...sue parents who didn’t get an abortion after life was created from rape? I don’t think that is right, any more right than it is for the parents to leave/abandon a child for something they could not control. After rape many women are not in any position to make such a choice (I remember being confused and sad and very afraid for a long time- the thought of abortion at that time made me feel as if I had done something wrong and was trying to cover up a mess I had made). After the baby is born, some people can not get over the event to see the child for the special and unique person that they are-, (for that I am sorry), but why would you not want to exist? There are so many people in this world who want to exist and have their lives lost to sickness or accident… Instead of pondering sueing parents that never cared- make a difference because you have a gift that many others have stolen from them. A lot of parents don’t care about their kids-regardless of rape (THEY ARE BAD PARENTS). I have had to come to the conclusion that I am my own person…mother…daughter…sister….wife…. I am me regardless of my label, regardless of how I came to be or regardless of how people treat me because I am who I am… I believe living life to the fullest is the best way to say…screw you- I am good-I do matter and I wasn’t a mistake, because you are the only one who is capable of determining if your life was a mistake or not…
But that is just the opinion of a girl who has survived some shitty days and situations- but refuses to let the bad determine her importance or life… Best of luck-however you decide to survive…
My children changed my life. I felt all responsibility, I tried to do the best. My children were the reason I came to Canada, I did not want to go but I thought it would be better for them. I was wrong. They lost their family connection, their language and culture, their identity is shifted. Quantity of material things is not everything. Sometimes your best is not enough. I trusted the system too much. Well,it's hard to explain and it's a different topic, sorry.
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