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Ok, here's a sensitive topic I know. However, as someone who has endured several memorable spankings i.e belts, extension chords, and any other hard, sturdy pain inducing make-shift whip...yes Therapy is on the "to do list", don't judge me... I often ask myself, is it ok to spank. I do not have kids of my own yet and can't imagine what my child would have to do for me to consider spanking them, so I ask..... To Spank, or Not?
well you know the old saying, "spare the rod, spoil the child"
I would describe the above as 'beating with unreasonable force'
Spanking should not crush the spirit,but mould it
I have spanked and not spanked , each child was so different.
One crumbled and his heart was tender if I frowned. Another challenged me from the moment he was born ( and still does ,only now its professors and other people ,lol),still even with any stubborness ,he was managable with consistancy.
Another son just had to 'experience' many consequences ,to see for himself, I would see the excitement almost light up his face at the prospect ,lol, what happens if you eat a frog alive? will I reallyyyy get sick
Oh its a question many so called experts have answers too, yet in reality common sense is a good predictator. For example I know violence breeds violence so if dad( or mum) was heavy handed,there is a strong chance you will go on to parent the same way ,or the complete opposite and be quite passive.
Somewhere in the middle with large doses of love and patience worked for me
You speak one whole load of common sense Eaglekiwi, if only the system recognised things are not always black and white!
There are times that spankings are necessary, you should never wait til they are out of hand, that is when you are more likely to go to far. When a child is being defiant or what they are doing will cause injury to themselves or others, this is when you should spank. Also using your hand makes you the weapon, if you use a flat object that you have to look for first, you will be cooled down before you find it and thirdly, a little sting is all that is needed, you can barely touch them with it and it will be affective, if you are consistent.
You should not use it as a form of punishment, but a teaching tool. It is better to have a butt that stings a little, then get hit by a car cause you won't listen. Make sure they understand what they did wrong, then give a swat or two, then make sure they understand what they should have done, hug them and go on. I only turned my eldest daughters butt pink once, and that was because for the second time I was having to get after her for having a rope around her brothers neck and pulling him over backwards, playing horsey.
Mostly, if you are firm and consistant, you can train a child with out spanking.
I was spanked as a little girl by my mother and it only made me fear her, not respect her. As I grew up, I didn't like my mother very much and think it was due to the fact that she was extremely strict. Her strict behavior and spanking didn't change the person I was...I still got into trouble, although I was just sneaky about it so she didn't find out and spank me.
I do not spank my son. Instead, I sit him down and have conversations with him about his behaviors and what I expect. While he doesn't always want to listen to what I am trying to say, I do give him the opportunity to explain himself. This helps him to learn to communicate better and also feel that he is being heard rather than me just disciplining him with a spanking or yelling.
I don't believe spanking solves anything. It doesn't tell a child what they did wrong, nor does it help them to avoid the same behaviors. All spanking does is intimidate a child and makes them cower away from the parent who spanks. While this may temporarily instill a sense of respect in the child toward the parent, it also creates walls between the parent and child that the child puts up in fear.
The best way to get a child to listen, in my opinion, is to get down to their level and talk to them in a mild, but stern manner about their behaviors. Set a list of rules that your child must follow and obey and a set of consequences that must be followed through if the behaviors don't stop. Following through with actions is a must for parents who want to discipline their child. Then, you don't have to use spanking as an alternative to getting a child to listen.
you are right, spanking is not good as it brings fear to the child, they may fear but not respect you, consistency and talking to them is good too.
I'm glad you brought this up, there is fear, and then there's respect, I would much rather my children (future) respect me and not fear me. I grew up with a lot of fear and I am reaping the residual effect in my personal relationships.
I think if your mother had come to you afterwards and explained to you why you got spanked and told you how much she cared and continued to notice and commend you for the positive things you've done you would not be as you are. its really in my opinion a matter of stripping the unacceptable and replacing it with positive. the explanations and talks afterwards and the positive recognition is the band aid. if emotional abuse goes deeper than the scars ( not that there should be any) on your skin than imagine the boost of the positive attention. balance. you don't hit to break and you always try and put back what is lost.
It depends on the child and the situation. Running into a parking lot when I've told you not to? You might need a pop on the butt because that's a major safety issue.
If I'm very upset with the child and anything less than 100% sure I can control myself? Absolutely not.
What I don't understand is the theory that one should not spank in the heat of the moment (and I don't). But, I ask you, when else do you feel like spanking that child if not in the heat of the moment?
Discipline should be about teaching, and if we're not careful, we'll teach our kids that it is OK to hit someone. If the child knows the consequences ahead of time and knows what to do to avoid those consequences, then a carefully administered spanking might do some good -- but again, it depends on the child and the circumstances.
I was beaten as a child, beaten by a very abusive Stepfather.
For myself, and in direct correlation of being a mother myself now- I have only spanked my son 1 time. He ran off from the neighborhood, and scared me to death. That spanking is still vivid in the mind of my son and I's. Because I told him that I had to spank him, and of course I was crying my eyes out, and my son Zachary grabbed my hand and said, "It's okay mommy, I deserve it." Needless to say, he got 3 slaps on the butt, smiled at me and said, "Mommy, it's okay."
I recognize the need, as a fundamental foundation of punishment for some families. However, spanking in my family isn't one of those needs. My son is a honor roll student, and a good boy. Hitting him then, or hitting him now- has no place in my own parenting skills. It just does NOT work in my family dynamics.
one more thing, then off to enjoy this day, you bring up a very good point. if discipline and training are started off properly with the very young child, there will be less times when it needs a consequence. a child automatically pulls back when hit by someone who loves them. the whole point of discipline is teaching.
Discipline is a requirement. In the U.S., in many different states, Law(s) have been created to cut down on the abuse of children. How ever, what is not realized is that - now everyone's hands are tied, not just those who committed abuse.
You cannot spank a child, according to Law(s). It is considered or interpreted as abuse.
This is absurd.
Timeouts for children is a myth. It's a psychological experiment gone horribly awry. It doesn't work and does nothing to instructed children on behavior.
A bad action rewarded by either standing in a corner or sitting in a corner or confined to one's room is no standing for punishment from something done wrong. It doesn't teach.
It shows softness and no regard for morality, because the child doesn't endure any form of suffering, to learn from their mistake.
There is nothing wrong with what I like to call a 'Biblical' Spanking. A swat to the behind followed with explanation and love, all done out of love for a child who must learn to conform to rules (the world is full of them, and if parents do not teach rules, that child will have a hard road ahead) is sometimes needed for discipline. When you have exhausted all other methods, a swift swat followed by a time out should do the trick.
Spanking is a touchy subject, but I believe it is due largely to experiences such as the ones you describe from your childhood. Some parents did and do go too far, making spanking a taboo issue for many, but it can be a useful parenting tool.
I have spanked all three of my boys. I didn't like it, didn't want to do it, but it had to be done. When there is no respect, the back-talk does not stop, or repeated bad behaviour goes on and on, parents must discipline.
Depending on the child, sometimes a good talking to or a time-out alone will work, but especially when they are little and refuse to listen, or when they are older and deliberatly disobey, it is the parent's responsibility to correct the child. Don't expect the school to do - it's not their job. And, be very aware - if you don't do it, at some point in the child's life, he or she will come against a situation that will knock them on their behind and they will have no clue as to why.
I have a daughter-in-law who was never spanked. She is rude, disrepectful and her form of discipline for my grandchildren is to yell and scream at them until she is blue in the face, causing the oldest to repeat the same behaviour back to her. Then she wonders why he will not listen and behave. Get a clue! Had her mother nipped HER bad behaviour in the bud, she would not have discipline problems with her own, and perhaps she would have enough respect for others around her to be able to hold a job (fired from evry one since I have known her)and not have others talk behind her back (her 'friends' always comment about her rudeness, and she wonders why she has so few).
So, to spank or not to spank....look 10 years or more down the road and ask yourself how what type of adult your child will be if you stick with your current discipline - especially if it's not working. THAT should answer your question.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being plopped on the tush when it's needed... I always got my butt whooped and I deserved every second of it, they can hardly feel it through their diapers and clothes and it gets the point acrossed. Not all kids can just be told not to do something and they listen. The only time the line should be drawn is when there is skin contact, I don't like it when I see someone smack their kid on the back of the leg... and I DEFINITELY don't think it's okay to EVER smack a kid in the face... I think the only time connor will get plopped on the tush is if he does something really bad... not cleaning up toys isn't a reason to do it but if he bites or kicks another kid that's not okay.
refrain spanking though it is easier said than done. I did spank my toddler once and he make me more angry than ever.Now, I do not spank him or slap him. Instead, i kept quiet, told myself that his temper tantrums will go off soon. He will stop when he notice that I didn't console or notice him at all. He will come hugging me , sit on my lap, and say sorry. Then when he has cool down, I talk to him and ask him questions. Though he doesn't speak bcoz he is only 2 years old, I try to understand his behavior.
I think it really depends on the child. One of my kids only needed "the look" from me and all bad behavior stopped. One to this day will do whatever he wants to...period. As far as spanking goes, sometimes it is effective for a time. And sometimes "a time" may be what keeps a child safe. By spanking I mean a spank on the butt...not a slap in the face!
I am not a psychologist but i do think it is wrong to beat your children.In most cases parents lack to express why they are mad at their children, soi suggest when you have children talk to them dont beat them. Unless you want to be authoritarian which demands high control with little warmth
I don't agree with spanking a child. I wouldn't like to be belted by my employer (for example) everytime I got something wrong.
I found suffering the consequences the best form of punishment when raising my kids. It then became their choice.
OK if an energetic toddler was to race out into the traffic a quick rap on the knuckles would then mean something to them.
In my opinion consistent spanking only conditions kids to pain without the real consequences of their actions.
Spanking is a consequence of a parent's/person's frustration or anger.
Why do we all ask if spanking, belting, hitting a child is OK?
The real meaning behind this question is:
Is violence toward a child or anyone OK?
No it isn't!
Discipline is a requirement to enforce integrity, understanding, tolerance, behavior and to spread knowledge to children who are completely out of line.
How ever, with that said- Yes, spanking should be done.
You defeat the purpose of the learning process, if you do nothing or use lessor options. Children learn cause and effect naturally, through discipline. They learn that every action has an opposite reaction.
Example: One day, as a very, very young boy of 5 or 6 years old, my father was sitting at a table, talking with adults, he was actually playing cards, but still talking and I interrupted the conversation. My father told me to wait. I repeated what I said- My father said wait, again. Then, I opened my mouth yet again, then my father smacked me in the mouth.
As an adult, I understand what happened and I learned from it. Then, I simply cried. Afterwards, my father asked, if I knew what I did wrong? And, I said Yes, sir. And, at the time, while I was crying, I had figured it out.
The question is- do you understand it and why he did what he did? If not, then I'm sorry that you don't.
Please don't expect me to answer it. It is for those of who you who are parents.
But, discipline, such as spanking is a requirement. Thus, begins your child's development and learning process.
As for the 'supposed' fine line between abuse and spanking? No, there isn't a fine line between the two. Spanking is to discipline and teach. Child abuse is caused by egoistical maniacs, who can't get over themselves and demand too strict a line of obeidence. These people are a danger, but not as bad as made to appear.
The only reason it was made an 'issue' to begin with is because some sort of 'advocate' group made noise. This is where the influence of business has become a detriment to society.
If you say I am wrong- I would suggest you look at society, as a whole, sometime and realize how much society had degraded over the last 50 years?
The bigger issue isn't or doesn't have anything to do with spanking a child, but to make fear in society and separation.
Think about it?
millions of very small children are in preschools and day care centers for hours at a time, 8 or even 10 hours a day, every day. do you think they are well behaved all the time? of course not. so, how then, do preschool teachers and day care workers enforce school rules and get our children to behave? they certainly don't hit them. what would you do if they did? would it be ok then for your son's or daughter's teacher to "smack" them or "lightly slap" them or frighten them into behaving themselves?
of course not.
so why is it ok when mommy or daddy does it.
you're saying it's ok to slap a 5-year-old child in the face?
how is that ever ok? why do you not consider true discipline? hitting isn't discipline; i hate to break the news to you.
my mom slapped me in the face when i was six and let me tell you, i still remember it to this day. i felt nothing but shame and hurt and anger and pain all rolled up into one.
nice feelings for a parent to be instilling into their child, isn't it. and it was for spilling something.
but there's never any justification for hitting children. hitting doesn't teach them anything, even if it "doesn't hurt". it just makes them afraid of you for the moment.
yeah, i know i like my children being afraid of me
I have a couple articles related to discipline. and I spent 14 years teaching 3-5 yr. olds. believe me, there are methods besides yelling, spanking or hitting... I had a child this past year scream in my face and punch me in the face. mmmmmm....
im a mother a grand mother i have to boys with me since birth one is ten the outher is 11 the 11 year old hit his class teacher i scoled him in front of his teacher i told him to tell her sorry pluss he had to do his sats test that she been telling him to do for 2weeks and he refused i now told him for 2weeks he can not play his wee game or go on the school trip his test must be don 24 hours later thi gardian from hell came to my home as the head teacher told the social servis am to hard on the boys the way i take away things from them rember iv never slap them from thay wear born this worman from hell come to my home now it was lunch time iv givin the boys there lunch one of them put the plate on the floor and the dog licked his plate i was so up set with him he no not to do this i scolid him by asking him to go to his room this gardian from hell now has me in court for abuse she said i was to hard on him ie taking away his game and school trip and sending him to his room for the dog licking out his plate she said if he wich for the dog to eat out of his plate i should let him i told her to live my home 24 hours later he was put in to a home iv not seen him since that was 12 weeks ago
The only spankings i received were ones that she felt i was guilty of, even if a little brother caused the issue & i was blamed. I tried to tell the truth but to many issues they all were turning towards the wicked brother syndrome which she thought to be a lie. she seeing that it was always that way which i had a lie in there once in while so paid for it dearly.
Spankings, i believe when a child flips out screaming being vile rude belligerent, this is spank time & if child services took my kid away for beating the hell out of it i would be close to calling all cards on there being sympathizers of devil worship, meaning probably would have to declare war.
Never spank. It is a sign that you have lost control. You don't hit your boss or colleagues when they frustrate you. You don't spank the store clerk who refuses to give you a refund. Why would you think it's ok to spank a child. It makes no sense.
There is a tiny difference between your boss and your kid - you are not responsible for your boss's behavior, yet you are responsible for your kid's...
amen Greg. even very small children can learn right from wrong without physical punishment. people don't hit babies to get them to stop crying or fussing - they find out why they are crying or fussing and fix it. too many people confuse "respect" with "fear".
Yes, if needed.
Not beating, but spanking.
I spanked the crap outta my kids (both boys), but with my hand and through their clothes...not much pain involved and no bruises ever. I think I hurt my hand more than I did them. On the other hand, when it comes to my grandkids, I have 1 rule at my house. NEVER SPANK MY BABIES IN THIS HOUSE!!! LOL!!My son and his wife do the time out thing, and have only spanked a time or two and felt horrible...They have two girls and "time out" and a stern talking to from Daddy seems to do the trick for now. Their kids are 6 and 2. The 2 year old would put her self in time out in her chair in the corner when she first started walking. It was hysterical!
I would say that it is not a good idea to spank your kids unless other consequences don't work!!!
I would spank you anytime. Bare hand of course.
That said, I do spank my kids when they get completely out of hand, and trust me - they do.
lol that's a completely different kind
Ok but there's a little spank on the bum....and there's the spanking where Division of Youth and Family Services is called because there are bruises and welts all over the arms and legs.....I experienced the latter.....Where does one draw the line?
I feel for you then. No, I don't think it is an acceptable practice. When you occasionally get mad at your child and slap their bum out of being helpless to correct their behavior with other methods - it is materially different from getting methodically violent on them....
i never "spanked" my son once. ever. even when children are very small, you can teach them acceptable behavior and provide proper discipline without raising your hand to them. my son is not spoiled and he never was. he is and always has been unselfish, kind and compassionate. he also was never bullied by anyone, nor did he ever hit anyone else.
"spank" is a euphemism.
if "spanking" is so ok, why is it not ok for daycare personnel to strike your child? they get them to behave without hititng them, so why can't parents?
it's interesting that this subject was brought up. just the other day I was admiring my hands and then as I was looking I thought how happy I was that these hands...my hands...have never imparted pain or fear to my child.
You are better then me Cosette. Or you just got lucky. May be both though.
no, not better. just a different philosophy. and you're right, i did get lucky.
Hands - Jewel
dejajolie, i too was hit by my parents....my dad only occasionally, with his belt...my mom all the time just so she could vent...this took place with anything handy, although her tool of choice was an oleander branch with the leaves pulled off. it always cheesed me off that this sort of behavior was sanctioned by the bible, but i am getting off-track here.
i knew what it felt like to be hit and made afraid by someone who was supposed to protect you, and i promised i would never do that to my own children when i had them.
well, this would make an excellent hub.
as for me i have to go do some research for one of my own hubs. have a great night you guys.
I have heard that it teaches kids that violence is ok.... and thus you have pre-schoolers hitting one another when they don't get their way...I am trying to understand both sides. I know my grandmother was doing what she was taught, repeating how she was raised in the South but she was out of control most of the time.
There is a fine line between abuse and a spanking. Most spoiled kids have never been spanked and that's a shame. It only takes one spanking to let a child know who's the parent. I believe in spare the rod spoil the child, but only in the form of a few taps on the hands or butt.
You are right again! I was writing that same thing about our house!
THANK YOU!! I agree. Like my 80 year old father reminds me "there was NO ADD or ADHD back in our day...." Gee, what's changed I WONDER....because you know he is absolutely right.
I agree. There is a lack of discipline with today's kids and I believe a lot of it is through spoiling them.
For the past few Christmases, for example, I have suggested to my grown-up kids that instead of buying lots of presents for my grandchildren which they hardly look at, we all chip in to buy just one decent present - something they will value and appreciate. My suggestions have been ignored. How do kids place a value on something when they get things far too easily?
A smack never did me any harm. At least I learned to respect people older, which is more than I can say about today's kids.
I felt at one point when my son was 5 or 6 that I needed to get his attention. We had alittle wood ruler and I gave him three swats. He cried but I cried worse because I remembered the beatings I got. The fear verging on terror when it came to my Dad and I couldn't do it again. Now I did use the fact that I had to my advantage. My son and I are really close and it would break his heart if he thought I was mad at him. So, from that point on I would bring him nose to nose with me and say, "Do we need to go for a walk!" That meant big trouble to him and thank God he always backed off! He was a good kid so I hardly ever had to say anything.
Sounds like a good parenting skill.....All I really NEEDED (although I got more) was "the look" and I knew it was time to get it together...most kids will straighten up because the thought of disappointing their parents puts them in check. I hate to witness parents spank out of anger....that's when it's easy to get out of control.
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod
of correction shall drive it far from him."
The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to
himself bringeth his mother to shame."
Train up a child in the way that he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Prov 22:6
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul
spare for his crying."
This is the problem I have with taking scripture literally, some things are parables... not sure "the rod" means a belt or switch although most people (my grandmother) thought it did. This however is a topic for another forum...IMO
I joined this forum just to respond to your post. The rod referred to in the Bible verses is a shepard's rod. The shepard never uses that to hit his sheep, but to gently guide them and to protect them. That is every parent's job. Spanking is not only unnecessary, it is cruel, but many people use it because they were spanked as children. My husband and I raised 3 sons without spanking, and they are all wonderful, responsible, caring men. Many of their friends continue to compliment us as parents on how well we raised our sons. Our success is due to the blessings and guidance of God, and I have never read nor heard that He told us in His Word to hit anyone in our families. We are to love each other as ourselves--would you like to be hit repeatedly by someone several times your size?
good for you for signing up and voicing your opinion. it's a hot topic. I've also described this rod the shepherds used in different threads, discussions about this subject, maybe even on this thread. I 'shiver' when I see the word spanking= discipline. discipline does not mean spank. it means teach, train. if discipline is done right, there is no need to strike your child.
I asked the question, I'm not stating I am FOR I also just shared how I was raised...and I was spanked, hard, with objects....I do not have children of my own Yet and thus the topic is of great interest to me in my future plans on how to discipline.
nice idea but i think that belongs in the religious forums really
I grew up in a culture where my parents said:"If you cannot hear, you must feel." I believe in spanking as a last resort. The child who has been told repeatedly about a behaviour has to learn how to listen. One time I was caring for a friend's children.One of them was stubborn, disregarded my instructions and wanted to have her own way. She touched a momento and broke it.Spanking her did not restore the broken item but at least she learnt how to spell spank before she went to Preschool. She likes surprise better than s-p-a-n-k now.
I never spanked my kids either I didn't like it as a kid n learned to use having my kids write lines (5, 10, 25, 50 ), time out, loss of priviliges and apologize for bad behavior. Today, they are spoiled, playful and mischievous yes but have respect for others who give same to them.
You can discipline a child perfectly well without hitting them. I have three very well behaved kids and I don't need to spank them. A smack with the hand in the heat of the moment is totally different from beating the child with other objects - in a premeditated way. By doing this I think you are using your power over the child in an inexcusable way and also giving them the message that violence is OK.
Yeah a spank with the hand on the butt or something in the heat of the moment is different, if it is used as a last result the child knows when something theyve done is really wrong. I knew when my dad ever done it I was in big trouble LoL. Didnt hurt, just scares you and you behave.
To spank when you are angry is abuse, IMO, whether damage is done or not. To spank as a teaching tool is a completely different matter, as it helps the child to trust what you say.
An example: I was shopping with one of my boys when he was 8 months old. He had figured out how to stand up in the cart, and thought it a great game to wiggle out of the seat belt to stand up. After sitting him down several times, I realized I needed to discourage him from standing up in the cart and got my pen out. Every time he stood up, I would swat him on the leg with my pen and tell him to sit. It took 10-15 swats before he decided to stay seated, but he didn't fall out of the cart, and I only had to repeat the lesson one other time for him to learn that sitting was in his best interest -- whether the cart had a seat belt or not.
Umm, if I understood you correctly, I disagree. I don't think such an approach relays the message you want it to relay, rather it is - it's OK to hit weaker ones as long as you have a story to justify it.
Did you read my last hub on parenting btw?
I did read your last hub, and disagree with you. It is not about who is stronger, it is about who has more experience and keeping the little ones safe -- even in the example in your hub. As they grow and learn, more and more of the responsibility of decision making becomes theirs.
As to whether or not my son learned what I was teaching him, he did. He is almost 4 now, and when his younger brother began trying to stand up in the grocery cart, he was the first to say, "Sit down, you could fall out and get hurt!"
While spanking is not my first resort, it is also not my last resort.
Well, it would have been quite boring if we all thought the same.
Insisting that spanking is abuse is like saying no child can understand the difference and that's not true. Kids who were spanked for correction by parents they know love them do not get all confused and assume "violence is okay." Blanket statements don't work.
I do think the OP is very right to ask because of her experience. Many people I know who were abused refuse to ever correct their children in any way to the child's detriment. Some correct but not with spanking. People who have suffered that way may not be able to spank their child without remorse and fear - that doesn't help either of you.
As for the parents who have easy children, just be grateful. Yes, you lucked out. I had one of those, my first, I could have been persuaded spanking was barbaric if all kids were like that. But then my second was born - sometimes it's the child, not the method. Every one is unique and it's love that makes the difference, whatever you do.
Like a couple others have stated, I think it depends largely on the child and the act for which the child is being punished.
I was spanked as a child and now, as an adult, I plan to try to use other methods of discipline than spanking. However, if other options don't work, then I'm also not opposed to using spanking as a tool of discipline.
Preferably, I would rather use what's known as "natural consequences" when applicable. If I warn my child not to touch the stove because it's still hot, but s/he doesn't listen, then s/he will find out that touching the hot stove is a bad idea after s/he's burned his/her hand or fingers. If my child colors on the wall, then s/he will have to clean it off. However, if s/he insists on trying to put his/her finger (or another object) into an electrical socket, and ignores such forms of correction as redirection, distraction, or me talking to him/her, then I will spank the child.
I would rather spank my kids and them get the message to not do that than use a less-effective discipline method and risk them doing something that could seriously hurt or even kill them.
I dont believe children should be beat or disciplined with an object but a quick tap on the bottom gets there attention. I personally like to use timeout. My daughter hates it. I let her scream and get it all out in the corner and when she's done she gives mommy a big hug and is alot more calm. I know this doesnt work for some children but it's worth the try. To be honest this subject still confusses me. WE don't ever want to hurt our children but no discipline can be even worse! Oh and good but hard rule to live by is: never discipline out of anger.
your last line should be in all caps because that's generally when it's done and it does send a confusing message to the child.
the often quoted 'spare the rod, spoil the child' is not referring to spanking with an object. it's talking about discipline, boundaries as the shepherd uses with his sheep. if the shepherd used his rod to strike a sheep, the sheep would run away, not follow.
This is my hub on the topic, and you can tell my view from the title:
Ten Reasons Not To Spank Children
You've recieved alot of good advice here already, but I'll just add this.. I LOVE children and dogs. They have alot in common. Both are instintive, innocent, and easily trained, as well as easily ruined. For this reason, I wish that Cesar Milan had been around when I was raising my children. He is the Dog Whisperer. He rehabilitates dogs, and trains dog owners. Dogs, like children, are often poorly trained (raised), and as a result, both can get a bad rap from society. The dog (or kid) gets blamed for the mistakes of the owner (or parent). If you've ever watched an episode of Dog Whisperer, you know that although Cesar occasionally has to use restraint, he NEVER uses physical punishment on any dog, EVER. He establishes himself as the leader via his calm assertiveness, alot patience, and the rest is a piece of cake. I've tried some of his methods on people, and they worked well. Check it out!!
NO- I don't believe in spanking and yes, I have a children. It depends on if you are a smart person or lazy and not-so-smart person. It takes creativity and brains and patience to come up with effective tools and punishments other than spanking. Parents who put the effort in shouldn't have to spank, but this starts from an early age with the child.
I was spanked only once when I was child and I was very well behaved kid without extra beatings. That one spanking was enough for me to know what was wrong and right. If you use any form of punishment too often it loses it's effectiveness so if you spank, use it sparingly and it would be more effective.
As a psych graduate, punishment is less effective than reward. My parents used a lot of rewards (mostly verbal praise)and I did not end up spoiled or misbehaved. I think spanking is more for the parent than the child. The parent is upset and since the emotion/anger is high, the can't think in the moment and spanking is the easiest way to deal with it. Parents are the biggest role model for kids and if they spank, they teach violence is the easiest way to deal with something.
It all depend on your child. If talking to them works, then keep doing that. If they need more than talking, than yes I would spank them, so they know you are the parent, and they will do what you say.
Ohhh spank me Muriel!!!! (oops wrong forum again)
Oh dang just brightening up the forums this sunny arvo
Well it is a tricky topic I agree. I was smacked rather than spanked as a child, and I have to say I don't believe it did me any harm, however, whether I would, or could, do it to my own child if I were lucky enough to beat the odds and have any, then I am not sure !
We spank and administer when necessary, but it is not with chords, hoses, etc.
I have found that it depends on my wife's mood, usually she likes to be spanked with my bare hand, but at times she enjoys a wooden spoon too.
My Hubby likes a bit of a "switch" thwacked on to his bare behind
Good for him! LOL And you? I'd use a belt on you, a velvet one in red.
Best I can remember, my hubby likes a bare handed smack on the bare bum himself sometimes-the suprise factor you know...am I in the wrong forum???
I say yes. Only on the butt, and not in anger. Wait until you calm down if your mad.
There was a female DJ on the radio and they were discussing a bondage spanking thing and dressing up for the occaision. Well the DJ said," We don't have to get dressed up I'll tie him up and beat the crap out of him and that will be the last time we play that stupid game!" I felt she was wrong headed.
I don't have one now, my wife is too ticklish. LOL
Okay people, control your fingers! Personally, I think I should have received some spankings when I was little - I deserved it, but my parents didn't believe in it. However, then I married a man whose culture is very physical especially when it comes to discipline. So our first two children suffered through some spankings, however, by the time we had the last two, we became softies and learned how to discipline in other ways. I think some children today need a good spanking, but their parents are afraid so they do nothing. There should be punishment of some form for disobedience.
I do not have children yet, but I will choose to spank. Not beat them, but let them know I'm serious whem I say NO.
Oh my goodness what riff raff is going on in here!!!! You should all be spanked esp u young Rawlrus ROFL!!!!!
Spanking should be a last resort, I grew up with spankings that went over the line into abuse. In Indiana spanking by a parent is allowed as long as its on the bottom with an open hand, and not leaving welts or bruises. I do believe that if you are angry enough at your child that you could cause a welt or bruise, then a time-out for the parent is needed before confronting the child on what he/she may have done. Personally my children really don't know what a spanking is, it has been a long time since they have recieved one. With all of todays technology and fun gadgets, it hurts more to take away video games, computers, and cell phones away from kids.
I think "striking out of anger" is the key. If you are striking the child because you are angry with the behavior its wrong, welt, bruise or not. Corporal punishment has to be done while you or on an even keel. Otherwise you are unintentionally teaching the child to strike out of anger. Would you really want to teach a child that physical violence can be used to regain controll of any situation? If you can't dicuss the issue with the child and then deliver the spanking your probably out of line.
Read your states laws. Don't become a statistic. The law today is statistically driven when it comes to class crimes. A well intended mother/father can easily end up in jail over a "Spanking".
What ever form of punishment you choose, one thing is sure. If you threaten endlessly without follow through, they will run right over you!
I haven't read all of the replies, but this is a question I pondered myself.
This may have been addressed but the answer lies in how one would want to be treated and taught if he/she was a child. Also, one might consider what lesson is truly being taught with spanking.
The message my children received when I tried spanking was that they would be hit when I was angry or that they would be hit when they did something wrong. Neither taught them the appropriate next action I wanted them to take, or the corrective action.
It simply displays an abusive, controlling mindset... one which our world has enough intelligence and awareness to transcend.
It is not really a difficult question, we just think it is. Therein lies the problem - we think too damned much.
Feel into it with the heart... Do we really need to hit to teach? Of course not. We hit to get our way, which is the same thing toddlers do... and we are supposed to be teaching them the way to create a better life and world...
Yeah, I could go on but I won't. At least not until I write a hub on the subject!
love to all.
Since you haven't read all responses, I can tell you that a few of us share your sentiments! Tx!
when you tried spanking you were teaching your child that there are serious consequences to their actions and they should not act out if they do not wish to suffer those specific consequences.
we don't hit to get our way we discipline to establish the knowledge of who is in control to aindividual who has very little control themselves.
If a child can not fully understand who is in control then won't they just wonder in confusion? and i am genuinely interested in your responses because there is always room for betterment as a parent. and i really enjoy your views.
how would a child know who to really respect and listen to if no one is in control?
if the world had enough intelligence to transend these behaviors than don't you feel they would be transended?
in these times we have got to prepare our children to survive while still embedding them with the love to display kindness. there must be balance. in this entire universe we have millions of opposites in order to maintain balance. sun rain hot cold love hate. if you teach a child using only one how effectively will they be at handeling the other. love can be painful look at the story of christ for those who believe do you feel that he was smiling while he recieved lashes? but he endured for the love of his people as the story goes and those of us that go through labor it does not feel great for head to come out of such a small hole but we grow through it because of the love we have for that unborn child. can you see what i am saying?
Yeah, I figured that it was likely more than a 50/50 split but I just felt like I'd share my 2 cents ;o). He he! I'm pretty passionate on the subject of violence and we can run around trying to justify it all day... the fact is that people are still killing people and this is one area where "all or nothing" truly applies. It's tough, but it's true.
"Hate cannot drive out hate, only Love can do That."
Martin Luther King Jr.
My husband and I never spanked our kids. A swat on the behind that didn't hurt it was an attention getter. There are many other ways to discipline your kids. Take away the video games. That was a big one for my kids. Raise them with love and rules. Make sure they understand. I have 2 teenage sons and rarely have I had a problem with them. They have never been in any major trouble.
I definitely believe in spanking, THE RIGHT WAY, I don't believe that extension cords or hard objects is spanking, but abuse. Abuse is only 'abnormal use', that being said, a good leather belt or a hand on the back side is just fine. I have 4 little ones and my hubby and I spank all of them only after we've told them something 2-10 times. Children often knows their parents limits, or how much they can do before getting in trouble.
Nekiwa http://hubpages.com/hub/A-How-To-Guide- … d-Tantrums
ah what a question. i am a single parent and have found myself to spank my 8 yo boy. whether its right or wrong i dont know all i know is that at the time i did spank i felt it was justified. afterwards all the jibberish about spanking introduces violence seeps back iin and i find myself wondering if i just taught him that hitting is what shows power and in order to obtain power you must hit. so you can argue that it teaches respect or it teaches a forcable way to obtain power
you sound confused about what to do... if you want to read more about discipline, I just published a hub covering different forms of discipline, it may help you. discipline and parenting techniques for young children.
parenting is not always easy, and it's helpful to be consistent and informed about your choices. whether you're single or married, you're still responsible and want to do the best for your child.
I got spanked as a child. My mother had a hairbrush with a wooden handle that she would smack across my bottom or my head or whatever part she could make contact with. That's just the way it was when I was a kid, you got spanked. I have two daughters and have never spanked either one of them. The oldest one I didn't spank, not because I didn't want to she was a holy terror and a good spanking might have done her some good, but mainly because I was too afraid she'd spank me right back...LOL just kidding. And the younger one is so sweet, she's never done anything that deserved a spanking. There is always an alternative to spanking that works, and I don't believe spanking teaches any lessons or good behavior... it just hurts is all. If you want to hurt your kids, go ahead, spank them, but if you want to teach them right from wrong and how to get along in society, find another way.
I was lucky with my kids (or maybe they were lucky with me ) as I only had to use a Scorpio Glare instead of a Scorpio Tail
I never really spanked my kids a lot. When they were in disposable diapers, I did "spank" them on the diaper and it make enough noise to startle them and get their attention. We only spanked their bottoms in major situations and then, if we were in public, we'd take them outside or to the bathroom -somewhere like that. I know sometimes parents feel like they need to spank the child, which is fine, but I hate to see it done in public where everyone can see. That's not only punishing the child but it's humiliating too, I think.
The things that were most effective for my kids were "time out". (It was like not breathing for my daughter!) or taking away a privilege. We spent a lot of time rewarding good behavior also, which I think made a difference.
We have two lovely children that are amazingly well behaved, so we must have done something right! I guess we got our bluff in on them early enough.
Sorry to ramble.
Clearly not to spank. It's not even a debate. I was spanked as a child and it doesn't work! Don't do it!
Beginning at age 1 year, I was spanked on the inner bare thighs, without being told what I'd done wrong (I was talking and understanding before 1), with a long paddle through which holes had been cut to reduce wind resistance. This was only one of many "punishments" to these body areas and by the time I was 13, I had waking visions of being buried alive, the dirt and dankness suffocating me.
One smack on the clothed posterior to interrupt unwanted behavior is not the same thing, imo.
I was spanked as a child and sometimes my father went too far as to the severity of the spanking. Sure I deserved it most times but the measure of the punishment was too much. I felt it was something that separated my father and myself as I was very afraid of him until I reached puberty. By then we both knew words hurt far more than any violence.
Since becomming an adult my father appologized to me several times for the severity and we became very close for many years before he passed on.
I raised three sons and yes the times were very trying and I spanked them as well. However I never spanked them with anything but my hand (unlike my fathers spankings with shoes and belts) and there was never more than three or four swats. I found the fear of the spanking was far more terrifying than the act. Result was that my sons have been very close to me there entire lives and we both respect each others feelings.
Sensitive maybe, but I'm not one that will just say no I won't spanking a child.
What is even more sensitive or should I say disturbing, if as a parent you can't spank your child, what gives authorities the right to lock up a child, at the age of 18 or under? (I'll love to hear your views) I have two kids, I spanked one of them once.
i don't condemn you. you do what you can now so that when you have to let them go they have a firm understanding of right and wrong that they might think twice before making that stupid life altering decision that may force them to give themselves over to another type of authority. as a parent you take the pain so prayerfully your child won't have to in the future. the saying this will hurt me more than it will hurt you is true for some. and then there are unstable people who are just crude but not all parents who spank are evil. in a world where children are holding crack for sellers at elementary schools i would prefer that my point get through LOUD AND CLEAR before other lives get destroyed and before he/she would even think about carrying ever ever ever again. a simple talk may do it but from what i've seen drug dealers, sex offenders, pornogrphers, etc. can talk a good game too. this world is not a happy go lucky place and if they have a reasonable amount of fear from you better you than joe dick and harry on the corner. the respect comes from the communication and them understanding that you are willing to sacrifice yourself for them and them knowing that even though it makes you cry to see them cry you'll do (in a loving manner) what you've got to to spare some tears in the future. Sometimes you don't even have to continue spanking you do it once and let them know that it will happen again if they don't calm down and that is actually effective. If a guy/girl walks around like they are so great and such and they try to talk to you and get together with you most of us wouldn't hesitate to chop them down to size and sometimes they have so much apprecitation and love for you so is hurt feelings the equivalent of the change you produced in that persons life? Balance.
I believe that it depends on the child and the parent. If a parent is able to stop themselves at say three taps on the buttocks or one slap on the hand and still talk with and explain to their child action and consequence i think it's alright becasue i's rather correct my child at home than have someone else try and use their own twisted methods. As parents we do what works for us and if we do it in a loving manner not borderline abuse i can't see it as wrong. i love my children and i want the best for them. i don't believe that all parents enjoy to see their children crying about anything but we can't protect them from everything and in order for some personalities to learn to protect themselves in the future they might need to cry now. you were abused when you were younger but now look at who you've become not that abuse forms a person but when it's plain discipline is it wrong? do you feel you would behave the same with a child who was not as sweet as yours? some children now a days are exposed to some extreme attitudes making it difficult for the parents to be the main
influence in their lives and then there are those who have suffered an abuse that has caused them mental problems and as much as they love their children they are not emotionally capable of providing the love in the right way does that make them bad mothers? i think we all as mothers need to share with eachother and encourage eachother that we may raise our children to be great somebodies. there is so much judgement out there that those that are feeling like they don't know what they are doing are so afraid to talk and get help because of people that judge them. balance is so important as is support. we should not make anyone feel less but try and understand why things are happening the way they are. some of our mothers too have been through things that are unimaginable. once i read that those that make others suffer are suffering themselves. bottom line here if some are spanking to destroy its wrong. if spanking occurs after attempting all other acceptable forms of discipline and in a manner teaching consequence and love then i think its alright. Blessings
Violence is violence. People can justify it all day. Until adults realize that violence in any form is not an appropriate way to teach we will always have children who display behaviors that parents think warrant violence.
It's a vicious cycle. Children can and do learn through positive, real life discipline.
Children do not have to endure physical or emotional suffering inflicted from the outside for the purpose of inflicting suffering to learn. That's archaic at best.
We have transcended and advanced greatly as a species and yet we are essentially the same as when we first walked the planet. Holding onto old patterns that encourage people of any age to feel shame, worthlessness, and guilt keeps everyone in the past.
There is no better time than now for parents and those nurturing children to realize that everyone deserves respect for their body and well being, in every moment.
Hitting someone does not display this respect, no matter how you do it.
Violence in any form creates fear. It's based in survival and can be argued, but is pointless to argue because it's a fact.
I love your profile and the way you see things rainbowrecognizer. When i read your words in my mind i know you've created a wonderful world for your children but in some of our worlds that safety is out of reach or a tight squeeze. Pimps and drug dealers are out there to steal some of our children adn they already have fear instilled in them. So in the meantime when they come home to this wonderful happy place do you honestly believe that they will feel comfortable confessing a dark secret that they are harboring because of fear from another. Should parents choose to rendure themselves inferior and defeated amongst those wishing to do their children harm? Not this one. I love my children. Violence is walking up to a child and punching them repeatedly in their face or beating them as if they were some stranger who stole money from them. Spanking is a controlled form of discipline used as a last resort in order to keep your children in line. It is defined in the dictionary and if you know the human body you know that the gluteus maximus is one of the largest muscles of the body which means it could take the lickin'. A world without spanking sounds wonderful. But maybe if the parents of children who are destroying the lives of others were spanked we would not have to be spanking our children in this time.
I only spank when everything else has not worked....which isn't often. Usually a time out is enough to calm the situation down. I know with 3 boys they get pretty wild sometimes but for the most part a spanking is unnecessary.
In American society, things have progressively gotten worse, since Law(s) restrict parents from disciplining their children, those children are going out and killing other kids.
Where someone get their facts- only needs to look outside and see what's happening. If you haven't noticed...the streets of America are a freaking mess.
The gangs have the streets, the cops do whatever they please and up hold the law, only when their forced to. This country has gone down hill, over last 20 years.
You cannot tell me I'm wrong. I lived it. I watched it happen.
Are you implying that this is the case because kids were't spanked?? Sometimes quite the opposite, because they were spanked they now handle their issues or take out their frustrations (as they have seen as children) through violence. Kids join gangs because they want to belong to something not because they say "Hey I want to be violent today" that happens to come along with the territory and because they are 'a part' of this gang they must do as everyone else.
I believe gangs are formed now-a-days because of lack of sense of belonging and fear. I'm not sure if it has to do with being or not being spanked more than it has to do with feeling as if no one is available to give a care but their street family offers them false brother and sisterhoods. Alot of the coldest people and biggest crime lords come from "privelidged" families who's parents treat their child as they can do no wrong thus teaching them to believe that they are untouchable and so they want to see what they can get away with. "my parents will always see me as this golden child. they have no idea what pain i am inflicting in the lives of others. Besides there are no serious consequences to my actions anyway"
I would spank a child for being bad, but only under certain circumstances. They'd have to be bad in a way that endangered themself or another person, I would never use anything other my bare hand, and never anywhere else but on the rear.
by Davinagirl38 years ago
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