Helpful Advice from Adoptee

Jump to Last Post 1-2 of 2 discussions (5 posts)
  1. Leaderofmany profile image61
    Leaderofmanyposted 9 years ago

    Finding the birth family can be rewarding and full of baggage at the same time. The television shows that show the happy ever after are a rare. I know this not only from my own experience but from others who have found their biological family. One has to remember there was a reason we were given up in the first place. I was given up at the age of 4. I had a personality and was fully aware of what was going on around me. It is much easier on the younger ones, but they still have the same questions and the mothers still have the same baggage. My friend gave her son up after having him and recently was reunited. It was a long awaited reuion one that I was excited for also. There is baggage along with the reunion. If a family can work through the baggage they can make it. In my case I have had to cut off the ones that carry to much baggage into my new life. It hurts to know this had to happen after waiting so many years to find out who I was but I have peace knowing who I am and where I came from.

    1. VirginiaLynne profile image96
      VirginiaLynneposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for sharing your experience.  I hope your post stirs other people to share also.  I have two daughters adopted from China and I often wonder about their birth parents and whether there will come a time when my daughters are able to find them.  I have often thought that by coming to America and starting a life outside of the cultural context in which they were abandoned, our adopted daughters from China do have a chance to escape the label they would have if they grew up in the orphanage.  Thanks for sharing

      1. Leaderofmany profile image61
        Leaderofmanyposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        I know that bringing your daughters here from the orphanage was the greatest blessing that you ever could have done for your daughters. I can't say to you that they will ever want to find their family. I have met other adoptees that have no desire to find their family and are satisfied knowing that they have just one family. This may be so with your daughters, knowing the way in which they came to you. All I can say is be honest and open with your daughters, support and stand by them no matter their choice. I didn't have that and I let all parents know this because it hurt me to know that the family that raised me couldn't be there when I needed them to be.

  2. Lisa HW profile image65
    Lisa HWposted 9 years ago

    Leaderomany, my son (now in his thirties and adopted from infancy) did what you say you did. He met the birth family and ended up distancing himself once that "family baggage" (different from any "baggage" the adoptive person may or may not have) showed up.  He was 21 at the time, and I'd always hoped he'd be good and mature and solid if/when he met the birth family.  He really wasn't, at 21, because we'd be through some serious loss in our lives (when he was 15/18), and it had all kind of knocked him for a loop.

    He had curiosity about the birth mother, but of course he didn't know her from Adam.  She thought he'd show up and just, apparently, pick up where everything left off.  She's someone with "capacity issues", and she comes from an extremely uneducated and deprived background; which is sad, of course, but which essentially amounted her to not being "bright enough" (hate to use those words, but they're easiest) to understand all the potential issues and be sensitive toward him and his perspective.

    But, now he knows who she is and who the rest of her family is, so that's good.  Meeting her and the rest of them, though, knocked him for a loop too.  It took him a good two years to be able to process everything, really.  At the time, it the relationships between him and us (me, his father, siblings, etc.); but it was hard for me to watch him go through some of what he went through.  The only reason he met the birth mother at all was that some agency contacted him after he'd just turned 21, saying the woman wanted to meet him.  He said he had no interest, but I said, "Well, maybe you could just call her (the case worker who signed the letter) and at least let her know you're OK."  I regretted suggesting that, because from there he was kind of pushed into something he wasn't mature enough for. 

    I had no problem with his meeting the person or knowing who the people were.  I'd always just hoped he'd be plenty mature when he did.  He wasn't.  When he got that letter I was just hoping he could let the woman know he's OK, but then wait another while before pursuing meeting further.  But, of course, what strangers who deal in adoption do can be assume that 21 is completely mature, believe it's "always" the best thing to reunite, and not even consider asking the adoptive mother of a 21-year-old (because "he's all grown up" and an adult).  I wish I'd had the chance to tell that social worker what my son had been through for the six or so prior years, and point out to her the things that made me know that he was far from ready for being knocked for a giant loop yet again and before he'd really even recovered from the first time.

    In the end, my son is closer to us than ever (but that can happen once kids get into mid-twenties anyway, so I don't know if meeting those people played even a small role or not in our growing closer.

    1. Leaderofmany profile image61
      Leaderofmanyposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Your story sounds so familiar and heartbreaking as a mother. I was raised in a different "culture" then what my birth family was. It was hard to find an identity once I found them. I thought I was struggling to find out who I was growing up but when the two different "cultures" came together I had to figure it out again. Luckily I had a my husband who could help at the time. I am now able to take what I have learned from both families and become who I am today.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)